Rational Thinking @Work

Ok, so I am doing my best to go for this Jan 2014 intake, despite possible risks involved. I still am using my spiritual thinking hat...at least. I continue to hold on to the following tried and tested beliefs:

- Everything in life has a purpose.
- I do not meet people by accident.
- God has a special plan and he shall grant the desires of your heart.
- It's all connected... this circle of life.
-Let go....and let God.

With the above, I also believe that every human being is gifted with a rational mind capable of deciding on matters. We must come up with our decisions based on what is observable. And so I do these:

Plan A: January 2014 Intake
Positive+
-I will start with the higher studies I set myself to do
-This is tenure=Life At UPOU forever--which is quite ok
-I will have time to learn on my own and gain more life skills

Risks involved
-it will require me to go for loans which I am not be prepared for realistically
-that my Study Grant from UP shall be disapproved for some reason
-greater pressure on my part to handle everything at the same time

Negative_-
-I wont be able to concentrate well due to other commitments I have at UPOU (current load)

Plan B: January 2015 Intake
Positive +
-It will give me time to process funds, visa, loans and save up
-This is tenure=Life@UPOU forever which is still ok
-if Miranda passes Beacon, it is still good time for me to assist in this transition
-I have time to organize my home for Mauro's needs
-Vic can have time to apply for scholarship

Risks involved--
- bigger chance that my Study Grant from UP shall be disapproved due to age limitation

Negative-
-I may give up on UPOU entirely or maybe not necessarily

From the above, I have greater risks for Plan B, but with more positive gains.
Plan A has greater pressure on my part which I may not be able to handle.

Even the most rational mind and objective forms of thinking
should allow me to discern other matters, along with this friendly advice given by my best friend:
WHERE DOES GOD WANT US TO BE? We bloom where we are planted. If this is where you should be now, that's where you should be. If He wanted you somewhere else, the opportunity would present itself CLEARLY.

In other words if Plan A is a better plan, it should produce these in the first place:
- an acceptable visa
-an ideal flight
-700k funds
-a scenario which will allow me to handle work pressure

And funny that despite my efforts to think objectively, I still cry. I am just overwhelmed and overtaken whenever I have to make big decisions and/ or arrive at certain crossroads.

The thing is, either or, I should be ready to say hello to Life at QUT or just say Goodbye to QUT and hello new life outside UPOU.

I am settled with the fact that I know I will still be happy with caring for my children, getting involved in their education in whatever form it will take, and that Vic is always around to see these through with me. I am still loved@44, soon to be 45.



 

And so This Roller Coaster moves

At noontime of December 11, I got this in my email:

 

Dear Juliet,

 

Congratulations!  Your application to study at QUT has been approved and you have been offered a place in ED11 Doctor of Education , as detailed in the attached offer letter

Day 0 Is this for real?
            Why only now when I have started to dream new dreams.....
Day 1 Wow, I can become a credible scholar after all if I just put my
            ALL into it.
Day 2 ALL= AUD$140,000,000++=5million pesos
           Anak ng P....malaking payback ito sa U.P. kong mahal!
           Why will they even think that I'm worth it!
Day 3 Shit, sarado na ang mga opisina. May pag-asa pa kaya ito?
Day 4 Whatever cadaver! Stamped and submitted...
Day 5  Naiyak at naawa saglit sa sarili. Pagkatapos nang lahat ng
             paghahabol at pangangalampag ng mga bossing, wala akong
             paunang deposito sa pag-aaral ko.
             I feel so poor and deprived....so third world
             =having limited to nil resources to achieve my dream. 

Day 6 To the  Nike ad  Just Do It= SHOW ME THE GODDAMN MONEY AND I'LL DO IT, GAHDMIT! F***inangINA I am practically zero balance this Xmas....

So may I compute--

Pera ko=   20,000
PLoan=   250,000
FLoan=     50,000
             ========
               320,000

Still short... this sum will only afford me 3 mos study...until study grant arrives. Saaaad....unless I go for January 2015 intake.

Now that's an entirely different roller coaster ride, loop the loop, included!!!
 




        

Why I Should Think I CAN...or ELSE what then...

So, I am towards the last leg of my research proposal, and still, I am boggled. Why did not I come across these books months ago!!!
I am now faced with these 2 verrry important works on Case Study research, the one by R. Stake (1995) and by R. Yin (2003). Guess what they both have in common...their first name which is Robert. Somehow these 2 Roberts found time to put in writing what CS research is all about. It makes both glad and confused at the same time.

Glad because they both have detailed everything there is to know about the basics of qualitative  case study methodology, both have unique ways of discussing about this. Confused because of course, I do not know now what to make out of my planned research proposal. I have to review my research questions, tweak it for one last time before I proceed to the add 2-3 crucial paragraphs.

These thoughts leave me to think that perhaps I should start thinking that I really CAN do this thing called PhD. Why is this so?

-In a span of 2 months and 2 weeks, I have seriously done a lot of reading and writing, and when I almost thought I could no longer go on, I went on.

-That all this time, I thought I would not be able to fix my proposal, but then I did, and still am.

-That at one point, I thought, let my IELTS score be the judge of that. But my IELTS turned out to be just enough to qualify me for 3 unives. Despite being discouraged for not getting the ideal score, it turns out, I would still want to save up for an IELTS retake, go through the process all over again, if, that is what it takes to get the score I want. It turns out, I am not discouraged at all and still here blogging away, and really having no need to retake the IELTS.

-That I think one of the reasons why I still keep at this is because I am still learning more about research and learning more about myself.  I have done all types of case studies in the past and only now that I am gaining  new ways of looking at it and finally appreciating it from an academic point of view.

-I have published works using the case study method and intend to do more in the future, hone my skills so as to guide other student-teachers in the future.

-That despite watching World War Z, and knowing the fact that we shall all die anyway, then what to make out of what I have and what I can still do in this life...


So I should think I can really give this a go. And if despite all of the above, no unive accepts me, then it only means 1 thing: I have to go for an alternate reality, which I always find anyway. Wondering about  how that alternate reality shall come to be,  keeps me wondering, keeps me going, and still keeps things suspended in midair--the uncertainty propels me to do what I can most certainly try to do today, if only to know better what lies ahead.

 

RP to R.I.P.

So I have spent approximately 2 weeks over the summer plus 4 weekdays to do the 4-6 page research proposal Murdoch Unive asked of me, which I shall likewise use for my IIT Bombay application.

What am I learning so far:
-to follow 1-day routines of working on portions of my RP
-to curtail on what should be curtailed during bbbreaks
-to really SEE that RP is all about posing arguments as to why this research is worth doing
-more on QR=p 85-98 of QCRM 2nd edition by Lindolf and Taylor, 2002

How about self reflections--
-that all of my self driven explorations and on-my-own research pursuits outside my PhD curriculum studies coursework--has led me to this
-that I have taken at least 2 new steps as to how RRL should be and that is to use my voice and not hide behind merely weaving prior researchers' works
-that I really need a mentor to work on my quali R methodologies--so far I can only learn it if it is done this way: show me the final product/research then let's draw out all these QR methods of data gathering and analysis
-that I have yet to see a book on QR that is instructive and done in the manner I have mentioned above
-that the reason why I am still here pursuing this proposal for a PhD is because of this state of disequilibrium--how to choose the design, instrument and method of analysis for this kind of research I would like to do

I would want to finally have a final submission of this RP so I can get a moment's R.I.P.

Still here and not giving up on me....

Research as a Purifying Act

I finally gave my IELTS a-GO, after 2-3 day review! So now I'm back on track to look at my  Rproposal=it's 1/2way done and meaning there's still a 1/2way 2go, hence a pause for a few musings.

While a few HDI's require either a Statement of Purpose  OR Research Proposal, others require BOTH. A friend looked at my draft SOP and advise against specific declarations but then a part me, wishes to claim failure as part of my process as an adult learner. A part of me wants to test whether in fact a HDI shall accept my for who I am--a kinda late bloomer, but for very good reasons, hence have arrived at this point when all bets, all that is left of me I shall gamble and lay out on the table for this thing called theses=research=pursuit of knowledge=and now, a single purifying act I must hurdle for that is the challenge placed before me. A big part of what I have hurdled is accepting who I am and how I think and work. And all I ask is one HDI to see this and take a chance on viewing me as a prospective lifelong learner.

I have always followed a different track when it comes to my studies...so why should my PhD be any different? It has taken me a longer amount of time to get to the questions I really wanted to ask...and for me to delineate the tasks and processes required, so that "what is unknown may be known".
My formal studies, doctoral level at that became only instrumental to establish a school program in my basic ed life and accomplish publications and university tenure in my university life. These publications are symbolic codification of what has been my length of practice---action and reflection on educational, school and classroom ideas, largely curriculum driven: roots of curr integration, teaching Fil and teaching SS in an integrated curriculum, sample SS inquiry units, dual language programs.  My conference paper presentations represented evolving multidisciplinary connections: open schooling+ K12 learning+platforms and pedagogies for online learning=basic education curriculum+education technology +ODeL  alongside my explorations with qualitative methodology. All these took place from 2004-2010= a good six years I do not regret to reach this stage when I can say, "May I have a rightful place and space for ME to be selfish and give this PhD one last try?"

With this realization, also comes a clearer view of what I would like to study:





Next comes  2 paragraphs to justify why this is worth doing. This has to be convincing to my panel or prospective adviser. 

R-work vs C-work vs A-work

This morning I followed up my clearance application at the Reg Office. Apparently, it is ready for pick up. So finally I would have in my hand an official document formalizing my exit from my doctoral studies which I no longer intend to complete. And so driving towards UP, I felt a sense of newer possibilities ahead of me. I was thinking, I could really go for any future studies I can imagine myself doing. Then of course the other more interesting but serious courses to help me become a Yoga teacher or an Art teacher. But then, itchy brain says, I still have not given up on going for a PHDDE, MADE, PGDEL(eLearning), PGDDE(Distance Ed), PGDET(EducTech) ...anything to help me set up elearning programs,  Gr 6-8 Social Studies courses and corresponding learner support systems at the basic education level. Then there is this resounding echo  to simply become a better Social Studies teacher by taking online courses in Teaching Geography. Ergo, the ADHD/ADD in me wanted to embrace new things and possibilities. It simply felt like breaking up with an old BF or breaking free from obstacles to what I want in life.

Then this news from the Records Section that my honorable dismissal can not be finalized until official admission to a new program under a diff unive has been made official. And so for one last time, I had to email STRIDE of IGNOU for any update. In between waiting time, I was trying to reflect on why this journey has taken me only up to this point. I admit, it has been a tiring 6 month-1yr roller coaster ride trying to submit to the whims of my panel at UP College of Ed, coming up with an NIOS paper so I can time my trip to go personally at IGNOU-New Delhi  and  afterwards, struggling to work on this new research proposal on learning presence ....all these amidst rethinking my future in university life and whether I can imagine myself doing this kind of work until the age of 60. It was kinda hard to imagine, really, the idea of merely settling for a job which offers me good perks to do the teaching I would like to do. Or worse, a kind of job in where one is saddled to do major R-work=rework, retool, revise, rethink this kind of administrative side of education offered at a distance...a stark contrast to what I am really good at....happily doing C-work=create, construct, collaborate, cooperate, coursework on matters related to teaching and learning with children, teachers or both, online and offline.

So now I ask, what now? OR why this, now? OR what could have I done?  But I need to bring myself to ask, what else is there for me to do? At this age, I can only afford to ask the latter because I may not have achieved this part of my academic life, but what I have now with me are some things I truly wanted, still happy about and thankful for.  The mistakes I have made along the way, I can only own as A-work=ako, akin, at-iba-iba-pa-man-din=I ALONE can choose to embrace.

Then, email arrived from IGNOU. I was advised to try again but not for this July cycle but for next January cycle, given pointers on my research proposal. I thought I could at least get a provisional admission so I can finally work with a good mentor to help me through my research proposal writing because all this time, I have been working by myself. Ergo, with this IGNOU goal in mind,  comes still the A-work which needs to be done and I=AKO lang makakafigure out nito. I need to get this off the ground, try for the last time...and if nothing materializes out a university based degree, then I know I can happily just go for the following:

-online professional teacher development courses
-go to VSO Philippines for extension work I have always wanted
-pottery and sculpture classes
-mount my next online FLIP classes
-Yoga courses so I can teach Yoga for children

Life is short, dear Aleta!

 

Why...Oh why?

Why am I still here?

Finally my university clearance is in process and filing for honorable dismissal is up soon. It's a good feeling to finally say goodbye and move on to doing what I set myself out to do. I have tried before but have not tried enough. Tried enough means=stepping back to look at prior mistakes, setting new goals, clarifying what I really would want to do, becoming open to what others have already said so, rethinking possible directions, forming more connections, reviewing former questions, revising until a perfect fit is reached,  coming up with a solid argument and justification why this is still worth doing.

I have to remind myself that I have to try even harder, because there really is no reason not to.

1.0...2.0...3.0...4.0...5.0

At the recent UPOU Unive Council, the decision was to uphold the status quo of what is written in the University policy on academic excellence awards which states that blah blah blah blah, ergo the practice of not giving an award to a student with a grade of 5.0 in any of his/her courses is in fact just a practice and not a policy. Ergo, we stick to what is written on the policy.

But, I say here, isn't it a sound practice? Isn't that the whole point to the ACADEMIC EXCELLENCE award?

I already have said enough during my battle to push for keeping the practice, especially in the context of UPOU. For one, as faculty member of UPOU,  I do not want to just stick to the status quo simply because all other autonomous units and the BOR have ruled on/agree to the matter. If  UPOU was the kind to always stick to the status quo, we would not be here in the first place.  It is not in our identity to always uphold  age-old traditions, UP system policies included, in a culturally transmissionist manner.  UPOU is an evolution of its kind, a recreation in itself. Even our website is reflective of our everchanging selves, kinda messy but so what?.  A lot of what we do may be hand me downs, but we have done a lot of things bottom up, and quite a few as afterthoughts, even photofinish at that. That is how beautifully dynamic and  equally TIRING it is to sustain who we are as an institution (nakakapagod maging maganda talaga!)

Therefore,  after a tiring week of having our Term 3 set of grads approved, I still can not let this matter go. I still want to have the chance to say my piece.

Good thing is, MY ONE and ONLY UPOU unive council, where I can stand and make a fool of myself, live and webstreamed because it is the only floor where I care to be one,  has said that we can go on with the discussion. So, I go on this way because it's a brain itch I really need to let go off so I can move on.

Just for the record, I have said this:

MAJOR BLAH BLAH BLAH, tipong ramdam na ramdam ko sa ugat ko, see minutes of 41st UPOU university council minutes.






Despite another round of UC execom meeting and this recent UC meeting,  I still can not change my mind on this matter. Part of my brain says, "C'mon Aleta, let this go..so many more battles to fight for,  so many more meetings to do, let this matter go." PTI, dami mo pang kelangan tapusin sa buhay mo! Well, I just couldn't cuz obviously, I'm here blogging my thoughts away...saying it to the wind, so the wind can blow it away forever,  just like how it happened to   Wanda the witch  on a windy Wednesday.

I can only blog because I know whatever I will say here is a very layman's point of view. It's quite a commonsensical and practical view which to my mind will not hold water nor be a compelling argument enough to turn the tide. Though I would like to give credit to a social scientist colleague of mine who reminded me about being a Social Studies teacher or any teacher for that matter. To arrive at something, one needs to define the terms. Only then can we bring in perspectives and lay out criteria so that what it is, becomes or perhaps what has already BECOME, is in fact as IS and it is just a matter of writing these down for all UP units to see and the BOR to simply respect.

I think faculty members of UPOU already  have a common view of academic excellence, or what it means to deserve such an award. So I need not get into defining academic excellence. Instead, I go on to raise this, for my second speech:

The only symbolic representation/ objective  measure of this thing called academic excellence, in UP, that is, (cuz you better check out other unives as well) is our grading system. My practical brain says I see a number line, from 1 to 5, with several points in between. Every student has the right to education:  complete a course and to earn a grade. Now whether it is 1.0, 1.5, 1.75, etc until 3.0 is both a student and teacher's responsibility. A student does his/her part to earn the grade, while  the teacher provides the structure/ terms so there will be basis for the grade. The only objective/standard measure the unive has is the grading system.    However, whether it is going to be a 4.0 or 5.0, EXT or DRP is solely the student's responsibility. 

In other words, our grading point system already shows the length of chances or palugits for a student to prove that he/she may be considered for an academic award because you have 1.0......up to 3.0.   Below 3.0 is already the space where a student shall prove himself/herself to be a 3.0 or 5.0. EXT or DRP are still actions to go for. Therefore gaining a 1.0=excellent,  is out of the picture, not unless course, EXT is completed.

In the end, academic excellence is a combination of  the grade that a student earns based on work, performance and completion of requirements and the criteria set by the faculty, the grading system asserted by the university.  Whatever happens in the classroom nor between the teacher and student is something the award (nor policy) does look into. Whether the teacher intends to be good or nice or unfair, is a matter the award (nor policy) does not look into either.  The grading system all the more does not say all these.

The grading system we have all chosen to abide with only say these:
1.0=....1.25=......1.5=....1.75=....2.0=.....2.25=....2.5=.....2.75....=....3.0=.........5.0=Failed

And therefore to me, clear as mud (sinlinis ng putek), a 5.0=Failed. The student does not make the cut nor qualify a 1.0=excellent nor a 3.0 passing.  A 5.0  is not even = to bobo, =bolero, =pabaya, =nagkasakit, =namatayan, =nanganak, =nabungian, =nangopya....=victim of poor teaching...=refuses to give in to sexual harassment

But then the standing policy is this: GWA, the sum total of its parts.  I am for keeping this. However, I am adding (not changing) a stricter measure because I want to change another criteria because we are UPOU, PERIOD:

a) GWA is a criteria we choose to keep and respect.
b)  I propose to add a second criteria: no grade lesser than 5.0, a stricter criteria because...
c) I propose to change one criteria, which is on academic loading. A student who has a load of  3-9 units is not considered as underload, but a part time load. A 12.0 is a full time load.  A part time student and fulltime student should have equal chances of being considered for academic excellence awards, whether he/she is working, non working, a student in special circumstances therefore advised to take a part time load, a student who chooses to be overload/cross register
d) a record of EXT or DRP should not bar a student from being considered for an academic excellence award
e) Final criteria, is the student has no record of MRR

Because I am proposing c) to open the gates for all types of learners, learning circumstances and multiple intelligences to be considered/screened for  academic excellence awards, the only passport I can verify will be the record of grades. Therefore no grade lower than 5.0 is the only strictest measure I can afford to have.  Items D and E are still debatable.

Now given the above, I realize, I do not need theory nor research to look and argue for what I think is a sound practice. I argue using the same set of rules in place which I want amended. In the same way, that while I look at all the rules/policies of UP residential campuses, and find these not applicable, I always find ways to go for practices which I think is in the best interest of my AA students. IF you agree that it is in fact a sound practice, then why not make a move for these to serve as guidelines which are truly reflective of our practices. Like always, let's do this bottom up! Who cares if we end up in the same island? I just want to sail out and paddle  this boat I have chosen to ride, no matter where the tide brings us anyway.

But to propose all of these in some kind of resolution formatted in a legal fashion, I really don't know. If it will be another semester's work to be argued, dis/approved, implemented in 2 years' time, then what does this say about U.P. in general...lol!







 

Hell could be beautiful...but heaven on earth even more

Hell is often described to be a fiery place and so when somebody says to you burn in hell, you can just only imagine what that feels like.

But then yesterday, I thought in fact that hell can be quite a beautiful state of mind. That state of mind when you feel that you have the power to do anything you please and have anything you want. Hell could this lust for life, as if no one can stop you from seeking all of life's pleasures and be so satisified, it leaves you with wanting more.

Then you stop to rethink, is this what life has to offer?

I did some thinking after yesterday's dose of stories---overwhelming, it brought me to tears. One story  is about 2 women, and seeing them in their  state of pain and turmoil as if their world is crumbling.  In the midst of their tears, I feel their pain, but  in their eyes  and faces, I see strength--strength to go on despite all odds. I see them with so much hope in my heart--and that experience is even more beautiful. Heaven on earth is this semblance of seeing life in all its colors--shades of chaos and triumph, painted on a canvass of truths, and owning all these as part of what makes you a living and breathing human being. And so I honor these two women who love their children so dearly.

Just when I thought that story was over...comes another one--
A woman fighting for her life, with her husband by her side. I would not want to be in such a state of panic and uncertainty; of being out of control and powerless before the idea of death; that fear of not knowing what else to do but to confront death in its eye. My sister did, but came out alive and breathing through her lungs.

And so I can only cry and feel life in all its beauty.

I could not even stop and thank God for what I have and not being in that state. How dare me? How dare, ME. Instead I humble myself and bow down and know that there is God.

Whew!