Changing Terms of Engagement

I have come to know a good friend who happens to believe in being childfree or being childless in marriage. I kinda get irked with these terms, btw. Childfree connotes you are scot free of children as if children intentionally destroy one's happiness and individual freedom in marriage, and childless connotes being less of a married couple just because you choose not to have children. The terms only cause disengagements in what I think we should focus on at this day and age= engagements towards respect and tolerance for diversity.

At first, I admit, I stand guilty of finding couples who choose not to have children as strange. I could not, for the life of me understand, how a married couple can do this by choice because for me, having children seemed to be a natural choice out of the decision to get married, otherwise, why even. One can be just be BFF with a man, and live together with no legal terms nor status to bind them together because, after all, love and commitment should be enough.

Getting the marriage contract, by law, for example in the Philippines or under a church blessed-marriage, in my understanding, binds you to your pledge, your partner and to your fellowmen= your family and friends as witnesses, to be together 'forever' or least for as long as you choose to love each other BECAUSE it is a pledge to build family and care for relationships, as one's possible contribution to society. Building a family requires time and effort, and therefore the number of years together assures that the tasks of family maintenance are carried out. Or at least if divorce should happen, both are equally bound to ensure an equal share of provisions for the upkeep of the members of the family.

Add to this is a hardheld stance on  certain forms of contraception which inhibit child-bearing through invasion of female reproductive parts, whether surgical, physical or chemical. I find it an injustice to prevent childbearing by having the woman's parts undo the job and NOT the other way around such as having the man take the magic pill instead. Or at least, both should make effort to prevent conception, and not just the female body.

And so, the decision to get married, to me is a decision to raise a family and  the choice to practice fair contraception for family maintenance. And when I say a family, I mean relationships over time and not JUST having children, but caring for one's self and your fellow human beings who happen to be your loved ones=partner and offspring, as you go through life's changes and challenges.

In as much as I value my choice to have a family, I do value friendships. Therefore  finding time to know a friend, requires one to appreciate and not pass judgement on a friend's choice. This requires me to have a second look at my choices and that of a friend who chose to be at the opposite end. So, following an FB friend's feed on a certain type of marriage  is one I have taken time to read. Read I did, and finally I have something to contribute, but through a choice of words instead.

I start by suggesting a change to the terms of engagement. I would like to veer away from the 'child' factor as if it is the only thing that spells the difference between a childfree/less marriage and those with children. Also, with due respect to the child whose voice we have isolated in this argument of whether childfree/less couples are happier than those with child/ren, and why even bother to ask couples why they choose not to have children. This current state of engagement is likened to asking why a homosexual is homosexual and whether being black is happier than being white or whether one is less happier as a European than an Asian. I mean, get real! We can never learn from each others' perspectives and experiences with these kinds of categorization when we are faced with deep discussions about human-kind.

Hence, I bring to the table new terms: a couple-driven marriage  and a family-driven marriage...to mean that what we are talking about here are relationships we choose to build. One type of marriage focuses on the relationship of the couple while the other type of marriage focuses on relationships between and among members of the family. And I put both types of marriages in one category=happy and successful marriages, to include maybe those who choose to be happily married to their jobs, their dogs, or their computers, or their narcissistic selves.

Then of course, I leave out on the unhappy marriages because, really, it is no use talking about unhappy marriages and its root causes because clearly unhappiness happen in either types of marriages, and even whether you are single or not, or whether there are children or not.  And to even go down the path of asking why is futile.  People are unhappy because they choose to be and choose to stay that way, mainly because of poor decision making. Why bother to talk about their concerns when I think these are matters left with the therapist or a counselor.

Getting back to the category of happy folks, I then suggest that we go for understanding humankind over putting these types of marriages as poles apart when in fact, they are not. And so for these very happy marriages, whether couple driven or family driven, I would rather know these:

1) Given tragic incidences, such as death of a loved one in the marriage, how does the partner or how do the other family members cope and stay happy?

2) What common challenges do couples experience, in a couple driven marriage and family driven marriage?
What are their unique workarounds? or ways of problem solving? negotiating? ways of supporting? or how about  strategies for conflict resolutions?

3) How do these types of marriages define individual space? How do couples or members care for their individual selves?

4) At what point was there a breakdown or a meltdown in the relationship/s and how was the turnaround like? Or are there even breakdowns and meltdowns unique to each type of marriage?

I am quite sure differences and commonalities shall arise if we care to stop and find out, even before we pass judgement on each others' choices. But all these point to fruitful discussion with a new focus:
our unique ways of finding happiness, at ALL cost, with a partner, with partner+offspring, with one's self.

So, let's lay down our ARMED words  and questions, and instead arm ourselves with better terms of engagement, take on new perspectives and  arrive at genuine respect and understanding.

Letting THIS MUCH Go....

After 1.5 years of trying to make this doctoral studies work, I finally was able to let it go. Letting go can be likened to throwing your cares to the wind and simply saying to one's self that ALL is still well.

I realized this after meeting with my co-founders of The Builders' School. We were talking about teacher loads, and future classes. The school can afford to no longer accommodate me. This only means that I can step back and see that a major dream has been fulfilled--and that is to become useless, and carry on other tasks to do.  I have a bit of space to create something, even if it means not doing this as a doctoral student or in the academe.

Then comes the fact that my daughter, now at 7th grade will be moving on to HS. My Miranda, my loving child who has so much to offer, and  who has been one of the reasons why the Builders' School was set up, will now have a first crack at life. Yesterday, we had an early drive to visit The Beacon Academy to submit an application for scholarship.

Looking now at this spacious school, and looking back at the early years I set up my small school, I have come to appreciate ALL other schools I have been involved with.  If I can draw an image of a full rainbow, but on the ground I am stepping on, then that's how I see all of it. These schools were products of hard work, commitment, and most of all, love... and it's all alive and working, in the Philippines where everything seems doubly difficult to effect change.

The school is such a lovely place to be and I felt proud to be a Filipino....sans my UP inspired shitty class consciousness. Though I know very well that The Beacon Academy comes across as the school for the rich, seeing familiar faces in their work spaces only tells me...that WE ARE ALL in this together. The middle class staff only deserve the best pay so they can send their children to other good schools of their choice. Because even upper class Filipinos and foreign students deserve the love of teachers and school leaders who have equally sacrificed their time and effort to just make quality education available.  It has a school  office system which insists on paying the right taxes so it can support services for the lower class. And true enough, this education must come at  a price. Truer, that I cannot, for the life of me, afford that price. But even that reality, I have managed to let go....for there is no harm in trying and achieving a noble goal.  The dream seems to be quite  lofty my daughter and I, and there is this risk that I may take it hard in case my daughter does not get in, but so what. Everyone deserves a chance to try.

I am very nervous since this is my daughter's first attempt at going for her dreams, and so  I hold her hand, and cross my fingers just the same. I almost cried after reading her essay. There is so much purity in her thoughts...how can I have such a daughter!

In the same breath, I release all cares for myself. I have held my breath far too long waiting for a response from QUT. It did come, and still at a price I  cannot afford. Only a doctoral scholarship from UP will pull me through.

With all these, I choose not to hate the world, blame poverty, nor curse the imperialists...or perhaps not yet, HAH!  I will do what it takes, keep calm, and carry on. Such is life...and when you're getting older, why waste time on negativity. There is still something out there to live for.

So this is me, falling in line, up there and saying, thanks for all these opportunities, and sorry for the times when I chose to drown in the pleasures of the world and not look your way, pretending that you do not care nor have the eye to do so in the first place.

Murang Panaginip

Sa mga panahon ngayon,  ang pinakamurang pwedeng gawin ay ang managinip nalang muna. May dalang lungkot ito, dahil, kahit gaano kamura, kung sa huli ay wala kang pambayad para mabuhay ang panaginip mo, saan ka pa, diba?

Isa't kalahating taon ko din binuno ang isang panaginip.  Bago duon, halos bitawan ko ang PhD dahil hindi ito kasama sa aking mga panaginip. Subalit dala ng trabaho, inangkin ko na rin ito.  Tinakwil ko na ang pagpapatuloy nito sa Eduk dahil sabi ko sa sarili ko, minsan ko lang gagawin ito sa buhay ko. Gusto kong gawin sa paraang nararapat sa paningin ko. Kaya isang taon kong binuo ang isang proposal para sa isang pag-aaral na talagang akin at gusto ko. Inangkin at iniyakan pa kamo! Sa pag-aantay ng sagot mula sa iba't ibang unibersidad, sumubok akong magtagni ng bagong panaginip. Ito ang pagbitaw sa isang trabaho upang maging bukas sa ilang posibilidad, na bumuo ng bagong panaginip sa ibang institusyon kung saan maari akong magturo at tumanda nang maluwalhati dahil ilalaan ko ang oras, talino at pagod alang alang sa anak ko, at alang alang sa patuloy na paglikha ng kaalaman sa larangan ng edukasyon.

Sa puntong sinimulan ko ang bagong pananaginip, may dumating na balita mula sa QUT. Tanggap ako, subalit kelangan may salapi akong pambayad sa unang semestre dahil hindi pa naaprubahan ang aking scholarship na hindi ko alam kung may kasiguruhan dahil sa edad ko. Sabay pa noon, nalaman ko na nailimbag ang isang aklat sa India kung saan may kontribusyon ako.

Sa ilang sandali, naisip ko, may pag-asa pa pala ang PhD ko. Subalit, matapos alamin ang ilang detalye at bagay bagay, di aabot ang pera ko para man lang sa unang deposito.

Biglang napaisip ako tungkol sa mga estudyanteng ISKO at ISKA,  ilang libo lang ang halaga ng kanilang panaginip at halos di magkandaugaga upang matupad ang pag-enrol sa ilang kurso, at halos magkumahog pa para sa miscellaneous fees. At naalala ko noon, sabi ko: College Ed comes at a price--there's no such thing as free tuition in universities. Aray ko....napakatotoo!  Heto ako, 5.5 milyong piso ang halaga ng isang panaginip.

Nakakapikon ang kahirapan. Ang daling sabihin: TO HELL WITH PHD....TO HELL with HIGHER ED!!!

Kaso hindi lang kasi ito PHD, kundi isang hamon at pagsubok para sa akin---isang ordinaryo at medyokrrrreng UP grad (masmalutong sa Pinoy kaysa mediocre) na marahil may bahid pa ng LD; isang hambag na gurong nagpaka- trying hard magturo sa kolehiyo; isang taong walang pasensya kaya rin walang ipon. Ang gusto ko lang naman ipahiwatig ay ito: kakayanin ko ito dahil kapag ako bilang ako ay nakaya ito, eh lalo pa ibang mga tagaUP na di hamak na masmatalino pa sa kin o ibang public school teacher na malamang baka mas may pera pa sa kin. Gusto ko, balang araw, masasabi ko, kung ako nakaya ko, kakayanin rin ninyo.

O maari rin naman talagang ganito----TO HELL WITH PHD!  Marami pang ibang bagong panaginip sa buhay ko.