Ang OA Mo!

Sabi ko nga, gusto ko na nang tahimik na Pasko hanggang Bagong Taon.
Marahil tumatanda na nga ako. At sa pagtuntong ko ng 46 ngayong taon, nakahanap ako ng katahimikan sa pamamagitan ng ganire:  simpleng oras kasama ang aking mga pinahahalagahan sa buhay.

Gusto kong manahimik nang sandali upang tandaan sila ngayong 2015 dahil sa susunod na Pasko, gagawa ako ng paraan para makapiling silang muli:

RR - buti nalang may FB messenger at gusto ko nang isang taon pang ongoing chat tayo
AJ at BL - aabangan ko ang susunod na kabanata
DM - hanggang sa muling kwentuhan tungkol sa pag-ibig at mga kinahihibangan
CC - tumatanda na talaga tayo at kay sarap malaman na may mga bago tayong mga tanong at nais    
         pang harapin sa ating buhay

Isang munting sorpresa:
FT - napaka-instant ng date natin at para bagang  ang tagal na nating magkakilala ano?

UP Rep -sige, kaya ko pa kayong ka-groupie ng 1 pang taon

At higit sa lahat, sa aking mga kapatid--tayo tayo rin naman ang mag-aalaga sa isa't isa diba.

Sa isang banda, napaka-walang kasiguruhan nang kinabukasan sa taong 2015.
At alam ko rin, muli akong bibisitahin ng pag-aalinlangan, takot, duda at mga what if's.
Subalit sana panandalian ko lamang maiisip ang mga yaon. Imbis, magdarasal nalang ako
upang patuloy na magkaroon ng lakas sa mga daraanang karanasan sa buhay.

And most of all, there will always be fun and delight in small things!
Ang OA mo...

God speaks...in Verrry Weird Ways

I started my day visiting a wake, more to touch base with UP REP folks, and also to express my condolences to Jay Santiago. I cannot imagine what he is going through right now.

I remember Jay and Myleen to be a couple very much into each other during our college days. I also knew then that Jay was really fallen. He seemed to be the kind who falls in love with the idea of love--but with Myleen, it was different because it was real love. Jay was the kind of person who will go out of his way to show  how much he cared for a loved one, also as a way to express that he needed to be cared for in return. Myleen was the perfect person to give that.

The necro, however, showed me a different side to J&M.  At least, it allowed me to understand who they are as a married couple. Seems to be a turbulent marriage but what marriage isn't?  Jay was very honest with his story of Myleen. Even the eldest daughter was honest and brave--very Myleen.
Myleen's family was clearly a message of courage to go on, of strength which can only come from God alone.

Perhaps when the time comes that I have to be the one to stand in front of others and speak  of my beloved, I will just have to be as strong...and look back to this birthday when God has spoken once again through people and experiences, and in moments when you least expect.

Here is today's message I take home with me on my 46th year on earth:

>The presence of UP Rep folks and getting reconnected at this time.
Response: Keep in touch with folks from way back. Make it significant while it lasts.

>The mother spoke of the kind of daughter Myleen is.
Response: Tipong Lord naman, sige na.
                  Okie, I will try for the nth time kahit give up na give up na ako sa chang-inang nanay ko.

>The priest's message--Be passionate, just like Myleen. Be free. Enjoy the simplest things in life.
Response: Go ahead and live life to the fullest, no regrets. You made the right choice to stay here, Aleta, and live life to the fullest at this time of your life. See the little things God is giving you.

>The BP song by LM: Ang Pupuno sa Akin, replaying as I drive home
Response:  Omgahhd, Aleta. Ang boba mo, ngayon mo lang napakinggan mabuti at nakuha ang kahulugan ng awiting iyon. Myleen may not have seen clearly everything she wanted to happen in her life or could have experienced in case she has chosen to stay with us. Her soul shall rest in peace.  As for us, the living, things will come and go, just like anything in life. God giveth and God taketh away--He took away almost everything, if that was the only way for me to see Him and Him alone.

Surrender na po ako, Panginoon.

Today is the weirdest birthday I have ever had. A mix of sadness and joy, pleasure and pain---above all these is the Lord who will find the means to reveal Himself in ways we least expect.

Happy Birthday...

Morantic Xmas Eve Moment...Oh, Really Now!

So picture this:

Vic nakapambahay na puting T shirt, bakat ang dibdib, at kita ang kanyang mapoteng leeg. Haaay....pinagmasdan ko saglit ang kagandahan niya habang namamalengke kami sa ilalim ng ulan dito sa palengke ng Cavite City. Ang theme song na tumatakbo sa utak ko, Eheads version: "Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw, damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwaaaahahahah, tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka..."

Soooo morantic! Mga 5 minuto din naman nagtagal yaong moment na 'yon.  May pa sulyap sulyap pa at pa ngiti ngiti ang aking butihing asawang dakilang tagapamalengke ng kanyang mag-anak. Natuwa sya marahil dahil matagal ko nang di ginagawa ang ganito--sinasamahan sya sa palengke.

'Pag matagal na kaseng kayong nagsasama, may mga bagay na sa totoo lang ay nakakasawa. Ako  din naman ay di mapagpanggap. May ilang taon na rin akong tinatamad sa pagpunta sa Cavite: pagdaos ng semana santa, visita iglesia, piyesta, prosesyon, araw ng patay---lahat na ng tradisyon ng pamilyang Villanueva. Kinailangan ko lang ng panahong gawin ang gusto kong gawin dahil gusto ko at hindi dahil gusto ng asawa ko o dahil inaasahan itong gawin ko bilang ina para sa pagbubuklod ng pamilya. Sinubukan din naman akong unawain ni Vic. Matagal ding panahon yung pagtyatyaga nya sa aking karamutan at pangangailangan ng oras sa sarili dahil di nga ako  martir na Pilipina. Unang-una, hindi talaga ako Katoliko.  Ilang taon akong soloista bago ako nag-asawa.  Di ko rin maalis ang pagiging ganun kahit nag-asawa na ako.

Subalit ngayong araw na ito, sinubukan ko lang muli ang pagiging butihing asawa. Nagkaroon ako ng saglit na morantic moment bilang munting paalala sa sarili ko na ang pagmamahal ay may katumbas na kilos na pang-araw araw=simpleng oras na samahan ang katuwang ko sa palengke. Hayun na muna.

But then after 20 minutes or so, waiting for Vicky husbandry to finish purchase of dry goods cuz obviously I got bored na doing the rounds with him in the wet goods area, my pagka-Knoller and ADHD kicked in. I had to request to stay in 1 spot cuz I could not stand the sight of slaughtered cow, raw beef and bones and all, as if I am an animal lover which I am totally not. The mozzies were enjoying my calves, and my mind was trying to find ways to entertain me while killing time.

Nasaan na ba si Vic!!! Errrr...

Nahalata nung mamang  maggugulay sa tabi ko ang aking pagka-inip kaya inalok nya akong maupo. Ang manang naman sa harap ko, sumubo ng pandesal at sinabi pang "Kain tayo." Samantalang iniisip ko: "Dont we all deserve a cleaner market in the Philippines!!!!". Umiral ang kaartehan ko na di ko man lang inisip na ganito ang buhay ng mga tao sa palengke, sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos. At marahil umaasa lang naman sila nang maayos na buhay kapalit ng trabahong ginagawa nila  araw araw dito sa maruming palengke ng CC.

Kaya hayun...saglit na saglit lang tumakbo ang theme song sa utak ko. Pambihirang maulang Xmas Eve! Nakakapanubok na Pasko!  Sana umayos kahit paano mamaya. Ilang minutong pananahimik ang hiling ko, marahil upang pag-isipan ang pagmamahal ng Panginoon at kung bakit dapat patuloy akong gumagawa ng mga munting hakbang  upang magbabalik-loob sa kanya.

Marahil romantic ang sinubukang kong gawin kaninang umaga para sa aking asawa na tingin ko deserves so much more than what I am giving. Subalit ang pagbabalik-loob sa Diyos ay dehins morantic dahil unang-una di naman madalas tao=human side ang nakikita ko sa kanya. Ang dami ko nang ginawa bilang isang anak ng Diyos. Nasa punto na ko ng "Been Der, Done Dat". Di ako agad maka relate ngayon sa "He alone can complete me" kase kadalasan ngayon, ang pangangailangan ko ay makamundo=worldly and temporal. Paano ba namang si Kristo ang sagot sa lahat, hellow. Get real! Di ko naman sya mayakap sa panahong depressed ako o ngayon mismo na gusto kong malayo sa mga lamok o amoy ng karne sa palengke.

Subalit kelangan kong untugin ang sarili ko. Ang Pasko, para sa akin ay isang paraan ng Diyos upang ipakita na kaya niyang maging tao upang ipamukha sa atin na nauunawaan niya kung paano ang mabuhay sa mundong ito. Namamalas niya ang pagod, sakit, kahirapan, pang-araw araw na kayod at paghihirap ng isang nilalang. Alam niya ang kahulugan ng paghahanap ng panandaliang ligaya, o kaluwagan. At ang buhay ni Kristo ang siyang paalala sa atin na bilang tao, na may hangganan ang buhay at lakas, patuloy dapat natin siyang hahanapin sa mga munting bagay na ginagawa para sa atin ng mga ating mahal sa buhay--katulad na lamang  ng pamamalengke ng asawa ko. Karapat-dapat lamang na susubukan ko rin ang lahat upang gumawa ng ilang bagay, munti man o malaki, upang magpamalas ng pagmamahal at kabutihan kaninuman.

There is nothing...nothing really romantic about the message of Christmas at all (except the song Merry Christmas, Darling!) It's a message of TRUE love as expressed through kindness, hope and humility.

I am very much loved...therefore, give love. Let ME remember that.
Love for Vic, my children and my friends have always been my good start...so I hope it flows to my mom-- 2 days max for this season. Then ok, I'll greet my dad.

Just 4D Record III

O heto pa..rubbing this in the nth time!

Cc: Office of Education Research <edn.research@qut.edu.au>

Dear Juliet,

Thank you for your email. We appreciate the reasons for which you have chosen to decline your scholarship offer, your daughter is very lucky to have such a caring parent!

We welcome a future application for admission and scholarship from you when you have an opportunity to try again.

With best wishes
Caitlin

Caring parent nga naman ako at gusto ko rin yun...

Death Toll= 4 :(....

In a span of 9 months, 4 people I know have died of cancer, then there's 1 awaiting diagnosis.
We visited the remains of Lyen--a former Bible study student of mine years back.  The visit was more for his partner who is in good terms with Vic. I normally do not like visiting during wakes but the other night, I decided to do so.  My heart goes out to  his loving partner. I cannot quite imagine the sadness he is going through now.

And quite recently, I almost thought Vic was close to having a diagnosis of some sort.
Only because it is a fact that he has lost his mom to cancer this year, and 2 other aunts/ uncles + 1 cousin  in the past. This is not the first time that the body of this husbandry of mine released blood unusually. The recent one did not even have an honest to goodness diagnosis, though his tests show his parts seem ok.

During the past few weeks, for the first time in my life, it suddenly felt that death was just around the corner. That at my age, the reality of Vic's death will be something Id have to face some day.  And so I did give it some serious thought. It made me angry at God, but mostly at myself for the thoughts I harbored in my mind.

Then came total surrender, and the knowledge that I cannot fight God about such things. He alone can determine life and death. However, what we make out of our lives and our views of immortality we can determine.

Which brings me to look into my life: at this age, I have invested so much of myself to my causes, my career, my children. I have nested then  moved onto workplaces for the 7th time,  with that, I've cut connections.

We've moved apartments countless times, which was easy mostly as long as we stayed within UP area.  But this recent one is the most emotionally challenging by far.

Then of course this uncertainty of my situation with UPOU, Builders and The Academy.
I've committed myself to Beacon Academy for 2 years.

Ok diba, parang din kanser, may taning.
Parang din akong unti unting namamatayan tuwing lumilipat ako ng trabaho,
at ngayon lilipat paalis ng UP.

At parang isang matinding paalala sa kin ng Panginoon na lahat nang bagay dito sa mundo ay walang kasiguruhan. Kailangan kong pagkatandaan na sa huli, ano nga lang ba ang kaya kong panghawakan sa buhay ko o  ano nga lang ba ang maiiwan na pangmatagalan-- yao'y pagmamahal niya at pagmamahal ng kapwa.

And so, I shall pray on.

2014 is the year to come back and renew my faith in God and make His presence matter to me.
It's like when I die now, I know I can say goodbye to my career, Vic and my children, things can take care of themselves.

Except that I am sooo NOT ready to face the Lord. I need to set things right.

RIP,   Lyen. Meet your maker while your former Bible Study teacher is on her way to make peace with God.

And Tunee, all this will pass. 

Just 4DRecord II

Ahemmm..... ego feeding muna, lol.

Timestamp Mon, Dec 1, 2014 at 10:10 PM

Dear Juliet, Congratulations!  Further to the offer of admission that was issued to you on 27 June 2014 you have also been awarded a QUT Postgraduate Research Award and and QUT HDR Tuition Fee Sponsorship.  

Timestamp: Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM

Happy anniversary! Yeps, I would like to see it this way instead...a chance to renew vows/ commitments to myself, but this time, adding back my faith in God pair of lens which I removed for about 2-3 years. I figured, my life becomes more colorful with having  more faith in His presence. And so I am here again, facing God  and as always...and I mean always, the timing of things...how can such timing be perfect and how can it happen during critical points in my life?

Atheism is such a great philosophy and a selfie kind of religion but it can never ever explain 'patterns' nor 'connectedness'. Everything  simply follows a logical cause effect  based on one's decisions. It can never explain glitches. But then glitches and sudden turns are the ones worth capturing in life.

Here is one glitch--
I received word from QUT, quite unexpectedly. I  thought I had forgotten this dream of studies abroad. But howcome I am not delighted at all and it kinda felt like this: Pambihira naman, oo, WTF is this about!!! Is this adding insult to injury!  Is this some kind of reminder that I have to give up this dream, BE HERE and NOT there because anytime I can lose a loved one---my sister, my mom, my best friend or the father of my children. Like bring it on, Lord. I'm cutting a few ties anyways so why not do all these at the same time. Take EVERYthing away...and let life be just "a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes...."

It was very much like that for a day or 2 and even moments. And I guess it  will continue to be every now and then when I think of life's uncertainties.

I tried to whine but then  this person I cant seem to fathom says these:

balikan mo ang intensyon mo: bakit gusto mong mag-aral abroad?

dream?

personal goal?

source of pride?

tapos ijuxtapose mo sa kung anong ginagawa mo ngayon

kung alin ang mas mayimbang, doon ka

take the choice that will make you whole

God does not give what one does not deserve.
And He always gives more not less.

So ok....OKAAAAYYYY.
I shall define and always go back to this every year if this is what it takes!!!

I am here and let my why's count:

Why I even wished for this
I was 44 then and on my 6th year at UPOU and my school. It was the time that I felt quite settled being where I am and doing what was there to do. It was a time of rest seeing that anything I can set myself to do gets done and my work benefits my children, my need to for creative and academic pursuits, and yet with 1 more thing which has become a source of obssession for 2 years running.
I wanted to  finally have the chance to do my theses which had to take a backseat because my small school concerns, and my UPOU work had more pressing matters. My small school and UPOU were the sources of my research ideas anyways.

My limited brains   have never worked for something THIS hard. It is difficult to start with due to how my brains work and doubly difficult because when I started my doctoral studies, it was around the same time I was into major life projects.  My studies have draaaggged on until I decided to quit because again, my kind of brains cannot work with the kind of adviser I have. The only choice was to test my theses with some other university.

I said to myself, I was really just settling for PhD Curriculum Studies in my alma mater so when I already had a change of heart and was determined to pursue something more related to online education and virtual high schools,  I started to look forward to the idea of just being on my own, in another university,  away and detached from the cares of the world and just do research-- a space just for me and my ideas...just be selfish, right? why not?

Add to the above is the idea of  a self test--how long  will I be able to  live my life away from my loved ones who seem to be resilient enough to live their lives without me. And to get all these done while I can still afford to do so. Can I rely on myself entirely? be accountable for my finances? be decent enough within the boundaries of decency I alone can command?

Plus, since I imagined myself growing old at UPOU, the only way to grow old and still remain actively engaged  is to get into research projects with my colleagues, and not settle for the usual research pursuits of mine. If I were to stay long at UPOU, then I must be prepared to work with my colleagues who are just as committed and qualified to do things. Having an EdD to me will be my track record of sustained and focused attention, logical thinking, clarity of mind, concrete theoretical contribution --I was after proving to myself that I can make my brains work in a certain way if I am to go on at UPOU to bring more change through committee work and research projects.

 It was a stark difference to what I know I am already capable of doing--creative work=life projects which I never planned getting into but simply dared do as part of my commitment to my children, and my profession. So far, I have no regrets.

Blah blah...

Why an alternate future?
Around Sept-Oct 2013, I started to think of a Plan B=an alternate future. I started getting in touch with Mailin. Later on,  she asked for my CV and so I gave it more thought.  My email records say these:

Timestamp 1: Tue, Nov 26, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Pag-iisipan ko yung part time.  Ano ba merong mga job openings ngayon sa Beacon Acad?

Timestamp 2:  Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM

 And now that I want Miranda in a really good high school system, I will do what it takes to afford it (if I can) and contribute to the vision and work of a HS which will take her in....

I am submitting my CV here, because doing so will contribute to the confusion I am in. Perhaps, eventually, circumstances will push me to a decision I will be happy with.

Timestamp 3:Sat, Apr 5, 2014 at 11:59 PM
Re: hindi ako makahinga....

It is a provisional YES as of the moment until I iron out matters with my Dean. 

It's an offer I cannot say 'no' to because the opportunity sounds great, for both Miranda and I.

Huling huli ka, Aleta. Happy Anniversary!

The choice then is to go for Beacon Academy. It is an alternate future I have decided to delve into, with so much uncertainty,  and the only certain thing about it is this: my daughter gets a chance to go for an education she chose (which I may have influenced a bit...). And so I am here to support the institution which accepted her.

Looking back, I'd have to say, Miranda, my dearest daughter, has for the 2nd time paved the way for me. She is one reason why I dared set up a small school, and also the same reason why I shall move on to another school. My Mauro, on the other hand, will always be the survivor who will adjust to his mother's needs (he was the baby I was breastfeeding in the midst of my  at U.P Graduate Admission Test...kung saan si Robin ang proctor at may sumulpot na ahas sa Benitez Theatre habang nag-eeksam ako) since he is very much capable of seeking attention from different people to fill his needs.

Whatever rewards, risks and heartaches I shall embrace  as part of THIS experience.

But in all honesty, why choose to be here...NOW?
It is a good time to be here with my beloveds and still make space for dearies.

I'd like to spend this time of my life, here and NOW for simple joys to save in my happy memory stick... sooo much memories to look back to when I'm 60, and perhaps it'll keep me afloat for painful truths I can never escape but can only face in the years to come. 

On a gut-feel level, it does feel right to be here, anyways.

As for 2016-2017...let's see!

RR

This BFF-wonder girl of mine is now quietly sleeping...probably to catch some rest after listening to all my travails which started late at night then continued on until about 1pm, with a part 2 at 6am when we did our morning walk together. She always assured me that I was not insane at all but totally human--a feeling, living being.

I have known Rachel since 32 years ago. That's what she remembered btw. We were together in HS.

She always had this blue canvas bag with her would approach me on several matters she wanted to know about in school given that we were both new.  I didn't like her right away cuz she seemed anxious about everything while I was what the hell devil may care...if there was an expression then such as the word chill, girl...I would have said that nth times.

Banaag club was our common thing. We had played alternate roles for a girl character as Rebecca in Our Town. 

I finally came around to believing that I was starting to like her when she wittingly played the lead role of a funny old man while I played the role of an aswang--her comedic timing was uber perfect. It was with her that I finally revealed my 2nd HS supercrush whom she fondly labelled as Puto Bumbong...tipong "andyan na ba si puto bumbong". 

Then came college days when we both decided to become teachers and we ended up seeing each other at Eduk. We finally had something more common to talk about--our BF's and educ classes. Well, we got busier with our BF's then of course.

It was during our last year in college that I finally admitted to myself that she is THE best friend of mine. I slept over at her place on few occasions, despite unapproving looks from her parents as they opened their door to this weird person in mini skirt, safety shoes and punk hairdo.

We would usually meet up at Q Plaza Cainta where we would have a taste of Tropical Hut chicken sandwich then go to the bookstore for teacher thingies...and endless talking follows. That was sticky to my memory and stickier was the time when we had to fall in line at the grocery to replace our Choco Mallows (na may uod by the ways) then a senior lady thought we were cutting in line at the cashier and so she goes bleh bleh bleh..."I am the master of my destiny." After  walking a few meters  from the cash register,  I jokingly said, "Ibig sabihin nya marahil ay ito: I am the Master of my B________". And that story will never fail to crop up in our conversations everytime we meet. It only goes to show all the things we are able to talk about under the sun, most especially our verrrry female selves.

Then of course, she will always have her fondest memories of Ilocos Sur summer she spent with my family and friends...our Maryknoll days...our before Wordlab days...our Wordlab days...my head over heels days....her Iloilo days...her L'arche days...her Jing days...her Buhay days...her LP days...our Murphy days....my Davao honeymoon days...our with-Chiqui days....our with Mailin-and-Dina days...our almost setting-up-a-school-together days...sooo many many days.

Now in our 40's, the recent talks we have are midlife stuff--that first time was when my tears never seemed to stop falling that I had to be absent from Builders' School. I have always needed her to look at my muddled self, identify my issues,  and say what she thinks about it. She asks me questions which relate to God and my relationships with my significant others. She reminds me to ask the right questions and so my mountains turn into molehills.

At our age, and even closer to 50 than 40, I still give her the usual crazy girl-talk, I still out pour and outcry myself every time.  I look up to her for all her moral steadfastness and I always leave her wondering about why I am the why I am.

And now, with my current fear of all fears, we have decided that once I get things over and done with, I shall go to her to deal with my grief. That's the plan.

Until that has not happened yet, I will still have to visit her 1x a year. 

Why not? RR...forever and always :)