This CUSC

 

I rushed through an abstract submission for the CUSConference 2024 and desperately wanted to gain acceptance. I have come across this "Rage against the machine" conference title through the IDERN as my mind was also grappling with an article or two of an IDERN member. After reading the article, I felt so much envy - envy for not having the kind of English I would want to read in my own work; the great sense of limitation in not being able to put in written form the racing thoughts and feelings I have in my HEI work. It's like omygahhhd, this paragraph captured what I've been thinking about all this time and why is he able to combine high English vocab and put it all thoughtfully as written words to get across meanings which grip my heart and mind when he doesn't even know me nor was the written word intended for me in the first place. And there it goes - because he wrote it first AND published IT first, and a HE at that. While reading, I caught myself imagining how the article writing came around. HE must have did HIS writing in a week after having soulful and deep conversations with a research participant. Then a week to reflect and perhaps start with a draft. And maybe just a second draft and it turns into a journal article. How can they just write that way? And does that kind of writing invalidate me as the owner of my thoughts, feelings and experiences? Stop being so competitive Aleta and enjoy the read. This is not partriarchy nor is it HIS fault that he was born English in the first place.

I admit. I hate it sometimes that I have not outgrown my Grade 3 English. It will be with me until the day I die. And the sad fact is, I have a PhD appended to my name. How can a Gr 3 English even co-exist with a PhD? Oh yes it does, Etagirl! You are a case in point =  an academic with L2 English, therefore not the NATIVE English-speaking kind and that there is an IELTS score that rubs it on your face. Better think 2x if it is good enough for the Australian university you are gunning for, which by the way, can get between 6.0 to 6.5 to 7.0 at the minimum. So there, that 's the minimum you could prove yourself worthy of. 

For a NON-NATIVE speaker of English, the conference theme sounds scary. Scary because it feels familiar and yet quite unfamiliar at the same time. It is like seeing a familiar-looking olympic-sized swimming pool which I have crossed many times, pre-pandemic. I even have an 'invented' breast-stroke style to conquer this pool. Then again, post-pandemic, the weather has been weird. I now start from the shallow-end nearer the gutter. What if I try right in the middle as I have the pool all to myself, but no lifeguard on sight, plus I'm now 5 years older, with walking as my only form of exercise. Will be able to do the swim Id like to do? The only way to know is to try right?

CUSConf theme  hooked me in because I am in this space of questioning my HEI - why we do what we do and could we just do it differently? Are we beholden to anyone? Or are we all slaves to market-driven techologies that we find ourselves just going with techtrends without care or thought just because we are ODeL and therefore must be at the frontier of educational technologies. Are our actions dictated by the RA 9500? What if I don't agree with how we interpret the RA 9500? What if I see ourselves as primarily an HEI with a mission, not just the RA 9500 nor TEH UP mission? 

Am I being just a rebel without a cause? A Faculty brat just wanting to do what I want to do?

That means me being selfish in my research pursuits in my own terms but responsibly and within the boundaries of ethical practice, just that this is me collaborating with my outside networks, and the intertextual kind and not within UPOU.

Looking back, I think yes, this should be ok as I have undertaken this and that being the new and first-time DDLD of CODTL.  Having said that, I will just have to accept the kind of English I can muster to partake in CUSConf and for other good reasons. Just need to do more readings in relation to the theme.

If only conference organizers try to water-down their kind of English to be more inclusive to those who are trying to keep up and learn their kind of English which have dominated conferences here and there, not to say the English in articles I try so very hard to comprehend and OWN its meanings. Perhaps a way to OWN my HEI thoughts and experiences even if somebody else went ahead in writing it, is to have to write it myself, even if it means having a Grade 3 voice.

But wait, I may have a Grade 3 writing persona mode. My voice is NOT Grade 3 at all. It's more like a Grade 6 and I have a higher ed brain, btw, I can live with that then.

December 10 - wait and see, abstract acceptance. A 3/5 should do with feedback and helpful references.  In case of a REJECT, that only means = be ready to book HECU at South Africa.

Post-PhD Loneliness Plus Angst

 Call it loneliness of the POST-PhD kind - that feeling and realization that all of a sudden, it's no longer like it used to be and because nothing stays the same...

THAT loneliness of not being able to find the 'right person' to bounce ideas within my faculty and maybe that is why I ended up taking on this new role as DDLD= Deputy Director for Learning Design. It was partly for finding something new and more, for 'social reasons' and that I told myself, this change of role (more like an added admin role) will allow me to forge my social ties outside the Faculty of Education and still find time to sustain my ties with others outside my university.

The angst this time, was manageable since I've been having sessions with our dear Dr. Germar. She has helped me put things in perspective while providing concrete tips not to overthink work matters and give to give myself a pat in the back every now and then. Just that, I feel that my angst has 'grown' ever since I broke my writing routine with my RWL mates. Instead of having my usual Mondays-Tuesdays protected time to read, write and have 1-1 sessions with thesis students (as part of my PC role), my week starts with meetings here and there or instant chats which destroy my trail of thoughts for my writing. I miss those days when I have my Saturdays to do 'fun and relaxed work' then the thinking gets suspended just for a day, but the momentum comes back come Monday to there is 'protected time' to engage in research writing for two ongoing projects.

After 2-3 months of irregular RWL attendance, I just let go. I can't do everything but will just have to settle with less than 2 hours a week of writing and in pockets of time which are also quite hard to manage. With less writing however, I managed to still accomplish these: 

1) 4 abstracts submissions 

2) two of those accepted = INNODEL + UKCGE, and 2 with the QPR and only because the abstract was a tweaked version coming from TEH book; 

3) MASSEd Revision Task Force Committee work - and a first for me; 

4) Review book proofs which almost made me cry and resort to unkindness: name-calling and doubting whether in fact the designated manager has the right set of skills to as attested by his LinkedIn and the STRAIVE website or his company's profile

So that's me also letting go of the 'book deadline' I originally set myself to do.

What have I learned: that the way to work with 'loneliness' post-PhD is finding new work and workmates, and that it has to be an intentional search while learning to remain grateful with current work. BUT then again, dealing with angst is takes so much more, that is assess whether it is worth my angst energy then just let go. Some things just ain't gonna happen despite all actions from my end.

Like haven't you learned all those after how many years of working?

Well, I may have but I tend to forget :(

Halo-halo 1

 Alam mo yung galing ka sa meeting at naghalo-halo na ang mga problema at nais mong gawin o kaya di bale nilang?

O yung mga halo-halong lamang ng meeting na kayhaba-haba na tila bagang walang tutuntunan?

O kaya naman mga halo-halong meeting na wala lang, chill-chill lang kung may magawa o wala?

O parang mga halo-halong meeting na nakaka-ADHD na?

Hindi ganun ang Halo-halo 1. Dahil itong Halo-halo 1 ay parang nanumbalik ang mga dating halo-halong emosyon ko sa mga panahong tanong ko lang kay Lord, bakit nga ba ganito ang role ko sa buhay sa trabaho, mula sa COLF, pa-BS, pa-Builders, pa-BA hanggang sa pa-UPOU. Tipong may maseselan na usapan na dapat may halong 'care, caution and truthfulness because that is the only way to go'. At para kanino? Alang-alang sa pakikipagkapwa-tao.

Kung nuon, maka-3 araw na masakit sa dibdib at may luha, pagtataka at pagtatanong.

Ngayon, tumanda na ko talga. Tinandaan ko ang mga panahong gayun na lamang ang kailangan gawin ang katumbas nito sa utak, dibdib at alaala. Kung kaya't ngayon natuto na si Aleta.

When the PhD changes you, you just eat and relish the Halo-halo because life is short and we just carry on. This time, the tunnel feels familiar more than ever.

I carry on these days thanks to my cats, my loved ones, Netflix, Video reels and da-Lord.

Ikaw at Ako, sa ELYU

 Mahigit kumulang, dalawampu't araw nang nakalipas magmula nung napadpad sa ELYU, ikaw at ako.

Maraming naganap na nagbabalik-luha sa aking mga mata. Subalit pilit pa rin, salamat sa dasal at sa Panginoong Maykapal, na nais kong balikan ang nakakatuwa at munting alaala ng kasiyahan kasama ka. Sabihin na nating panandalian, subalit tunay naman naganap. Praktis na rin sa kin ito bilang nanay mo na desididong gamapanan ang kanyang tungkulin sa paniniwalang may mga bagay-bagay sa buhay natin na nilalaan ng Diyos bilang pagsubok, bilang paalala ng kanyang pagmamahal, pagkalinga at tulad nga ng sabi ng sa pari kanina, isang Diyos ng sanlibo't isang pagkakataon.

Pagkatapos ng una nating f2f sa ospital, at naihatid na namin ang ate mo sa kanyang dorm, at sumaglit kami sa Sweet Inspi, di matanggal sa isip ko ang ilang mga bagay na sinabi mo. Tunay kong nauunawan ang kalagayan at pakiramdam mo subalit sa ngayon talaga, wala pa akong magawa kundi mag-antay at magtiwala na makakatawid ka at tayong lahat sa pagsubok na ito. Marami kaming napagusapan pa rin ng iyong tatay habang pauwi sa C5. At papalapit sa tollgate bago tumuloy sa SLEX, di ko pa rin napigilan ang luha ko. Mahapdi pa rin kahit anong gawin ng isipan at katawan ko. Nadarama ko ang iyong pagtataka at galit nang sinabi mong hinawakan ka sa leeg at akala mo'y kikitilin na ang buhay mo ng kung sinong humahawak sa iyo sa ospital. Ayon sa kwento mo, may nakita kang pader na humihawalay sayo at sa amin. Totoo ang naramdaman mo, dahil ganun din ang pakiramdam ko nang nahiwalay kami sa iyo. Yung wala kaming magawa kundi mag-antay sa labas kwarto mo, na hindi namin man lang nakikita anong itsura mo, anong kalagayan mo, ano nang nangyayari sayo. At bago lahat ng iyon, matagal naming pinag-isipan ng tatay mo kung ito nga ba ang karapat-dapat na mangyari. Kaya kanina binalikan ko rin lahat ng mga nasa isip ko na marahil huli ko nang babalik-balikan ang mga iyon dahil kelangan kong pilitin ang sarili ko na mag-isip ng mga bagay-bagay na higit na makakatulong sa pagbuti ko.

Kaya alam at ramdam ko ang ibig mong sabihin. Siguro para sa iba, batay sa kwento mo, parang walang katututuran ang pinagsasabi mo hanggat di nila makita ang pagsisisi mo. Siguro din nais nilang makita ano pa kaya ang pagbabagong magaganap sa mga susunod na araw.

Minsan may mga araw, nakakapanghina na wala ka pa rin dito. Minsan naman, tuloy pa rin ang buhay ko sa trabaho na kaya pa naman gawin kahit di ka namin kasabay sa hapag kainan. Bumuti-buti na rin ang pagtulog ko. At higit sa lahat, tuloy ang espesyal na mensahe ng Panginoon sa kin at sa min ng tatay mo. Ang mensahe ngayon ay paalala ni Lord na kakayanin ko ito. Ang panahon nating magkahiwalay ay di lang para sa iyo kundi para rin sa kin, magiging taimtim at ganap sa paniniwalang aayos at aayos ang mga bagay-bagay. Kasama sa paniniwalang may pag-asa pa ako at tayo, ililista ko dito magagandang alaala ko:

> ang pag-asikaso mo sa baon natin, lalo na yung mga pakete ng emergency meds

> ang pag-ayos mo ng sarili mong gamit kaya tumambok nang todo ang Targus backpack na pinamana na sayo ng tatay mo (binili ko sa airport ng Malaysia, minsang nag stopover papauwi ng Pinas

> ang pag-ayos at paglipat ng mga bag at gamit natin sa bus station

> pagshare mo sa kin ng vanilla coke

> yung ginising mo ako dahil nasa SF na tayo

> nung pagbaba natin, nauna ka at inabangan mo ko pagbaba mo at inalalayan mo ako

> yung una mo nang kinausap yung Silong resto upang duon tayo mag-antay

> yung naisip mo, order tayo ng umagahan nang pagka-aga-aga

> yung excited ka at na-excite tuloy ako kahit mga 5.30 am pa tayo pinapasok sa transient home

> yung paggising ko, sinama-sama mo sa isang kanto ng kwarto yung gamit mo  

> yung nagtext para magsabi kung nasaan ka na at nagkwento saglit na marami ka nang gawa at abala ka

> nung nagyaya ka nung hapon na tumambay saglit sa beach

> nung hinanapan mo tayo ng lugar para mag-dancing

> nung pag-uwi sabi mo, 'thanks ha, nanay, thank you'

> nung kinaumagahan, binilhan mo ko ng kutsinta

> nung sabi mo kain tayo sa Turtle Beach resort dahil alam mong naghahanap ako ng gulay at naghahanap ka naman ng internet, nakatapos tuloy ako ng pag-tsek ng FMA

> yung niyaya mo ako sa Robinsons SF para makapag-pedicure ako samantalang bibisitahin mo yung gym sa Burgos St.

> nung kinausap mo ako para huminahon nang sa gayon maging maayos ang pag-uwi natin

> nung umagang maaga kang pumasok para makapunta ako sa palengke ng San Juan

> nung sinubukan mong hanapin yung Poka coffeeshop para magkita tayo pagkatapos ng araw mo sa Lorma

> nung sa gitna ng iyong pag-aalala, naisip mong protektahan tayong dalawa at sumunod ka naman sa kin para lumipat tayo ng ibang lugar

> nung nakinig ka mamang nakilala natin sa 7-11

> nung kinausap mo yung mamang lasing upang siya'y kumustahin

> nung naisip mong magbyahe pa Ospital ng Lorma

> nung tinirhan mo ako ng adobong almusal mo kinaumagahan

Ipon ko lahat yang matitinong alaala ng ikaw at ako sa ELYU dahil gustong gusto kong maniwalang di lang yan ang huling pagkakataon natin sa duon.

Sinubukan na naming planuhin ng tatay mo ang muling pagbabalik duon para sa eksam mo at graduation mo. Bibitbitin natin ang lolo't lola mo, kakain tayo sa magandang view ng Kabsat.

Siguro bago dun, mauupo muna kami sa audience habang nag-aantay sa pag-akyat mo sa entablado.

At tatayo kami kapag tawag ng pangalan mo, kasama ng malakas na palakpak at hiyaw mula sa Tata Dindin at Tatay mo. Marahil mapapangiti mo si Cleo. Sigurado akong, maiiyak ako, pero luha ng ligaya marahil na sa wakas, nakarating tayong muli, at masbuong-buo bilang ikaw at ako.

Mahal pala kitang tunay. Hindi pala basta-basta malilimutan ng ina ang kanyang anak. 

Kung si Nezuko nga grabe bantay sa mga kuting nya!