Until the last minute, couldn’t be sure whether I could make it. Ahhh, my mind and my usual seesaw. I haven’t joined any discussion over at Basecamp for Mentors/ Facilitators of Collaboratoire 2020. Couldn't cuz quite fixated with my chapters which weren’t clean enough. There were major spots to work on. Taal volcano hasn’t quieted down. I was still tracking down my request letter for extended study. I haven’t been out to visit my mom and dad nor sure whether I deserved to see anybody from UPOU until I got this 1 damn thing done.
But then, the commitment to join and support a friend was done many months ago. Like, sure, why not. I can handle the distraction. Whether this was going to be another Biomodd with Angelo, King and Diego, or a chance to be with Sol, I just said yes, knowing fully aware that those days would probably be crunch time.
Crunch time it was. Top priority should always be my dissertation over everything else. Then again, I have been doing exactly that for the past 2.8 years and lately feeling miserable. I love research right? Why do I feel like breaking up with it? Like, how could I have loved you in the first place?!! While I got busy with commas and quotation marks, those APAs, I thought, why all of a sudden is my dissertation getting in the way of my learning. I already missed my personal deadline anyways. What's another week? To hell.
I chose heaven. Being in Siargao was like an ultimate release. Will this be even worth it?
Seeing Angelo at the airport brought back memories of Biomodd. I didn’t even know a thing about gaming nor art installation back then when I tried my best to understand him and the ongoing emails of Biomodd members. My goals were purely social – to be with my colleagues and see them at their best. I thought, the learning will surely sink in. The reward was witnessing ‘gifted teaching’ by Diego and seeing the caring side of AFDL finally unhidden. At one point I couldn’t exactly see whether the collaboration was working. I was feeling the tension at certain points. When I could no longer rely on cognition, I relied on pure labor...until I found a way to finally make Biomodd my own. Since then, the sight of roots, trees, leaves,vines, fishtanks -- the organic and nonmaterial -- all of a sudden takes me back to the sense of community we tried to build together. It still is a strangely warm feeling seeing all of them in one space once again.
Now this Collaboratoire 2020! What’s this yummy looking pauso ni Diego and the whomever he’s bringing in. I didn’t have time to google but ended up sensing people through their profiles and links to their websites. Such renaissance men and women of the 21st century kind. Wow, what an inter/transdisciplinary team we are. I wondered what I can bring into the group.
In moments of uncertainty, I just usually bring my jolly self. Before the jolly self surfaced, I had to talk things out with Rita, a colleague who fondly labelled me as her Angel, haha. I sorely needed her to be angelic back to me. We talked about our struggles, both coming from harmful research advising and getting into our new universities. We had this shared feeling of questioning who we are, what went wrong and now seeing that we are almost, almost getting there.
By the time we took off, I was my smiling self. Excited to be with Sol and Bobby, fellow facilitators. Looking forward to our my sandbox play mode as usual. I thought, this week is just like going with the flow like the rest of the fellows. I'll be living for the present with my unformatted chapters at the back of my mind.
It felt nice to finally meet new faces, our actual fellows in the flesh. They had real hair and teeth behind their names and backgrounds on an excel sheet. I tried to recall who and why we chose whom. Just happy to be seated with them amidst the sound of the Siargao tides hitting the riprap. I did a version of active listening and sorting their grand ideas in my brain.
I paused and wondered: is this somekind of grand plan from above? Or just a Wonderboy Diego at work who seemed to know that there must be some prior connection somehow. Why did it feel like I've met each one of them once in the past?
Kate feels like a co-parent: a staunch believer of homeschooling she is – very much into alternative education. I can imagine future projects with her.
Eric and his amusing accent still ringing in my ears: I can imagine being in his high school classroom hyper-focusing on his manner of speech cuz I'm already into his global citizenship anyways. Would love to observe his teaching presence :)
Jandy, the snowy white fairest of them all ('cuz I'm so cindered): such passion for teacher education when I was almost giving up on it. Got tired of teacher training at some point in my life. And so I admire his courage to keep at it.
Chao, and her vision of making things better for IP Ed: I see her going places, making a go for things outside the realm of her Grade 2 classroom. She's like a flashback to my beginnings as a teacher transitioning to community-based education work, post-Mt Pinatubo eruption and right at this time of post-Taal phreatic explosion.
While engaging with them, I was imagining the prospect of how their ideas can turn into actual research proposals, post-Siargao. I was thinking perhaps she will be good with writing about the framework and rationale; she'll be great with outlining all the nitty-gritty tasks in writing, budget included; he will be efficient with describing the methodology and he will be perfect with editing the whole thing, adding thingies at the right places. So this is how it feels like to be somekind of a mentor-facilitator= seeing promise and potential then getting surprised with outcomes as to what each and everyone will be able to deliver. Suweeet.
I saw bits of pieces of myself in them. And yet now with Bobby and Sol as higher ed professors, I'm confronted with the challenge of guiding them. Like how even, right? But my PhD journey has given me the chance to trust in myself and my intuition mostly. Ahhh, now I remember! WE ARE TRANSFORMATIVE EDUCATION. We ALL aim for innovation...and based on our gut-feels, passion, frustrations and vision.
And then there was Sue.
So subtle. Observant and engaging. Listening.
At times I see her shut off. Letting us be for really good reasons. So much confidence in us. She sets group meet ups by consulting with us. Hardly imposing but setting things on record, smoothly enough for us to remember.
We both agreed to 'play'. And play we did. From the Arduinos + Microbits, to the fellows actual testing of 'play' amidst story-data-gathering and immersing with community folks, upto the role-playing session to help our fellows rehearse, and of course, until the actual presentation, we mentors/ facilitators played along.
And of course, there was ample time to play: me joining Diego in his self-care, movement workshop; me trying to provide inputs to our fellows' presentations, engaging in the other presentations; me trying to sense what Mihaela was trying to do with her group. I was secretly listening and watching Klara do her thing with the fellows moving around and about the whole space. One time, I was trying to observe Pieter's camera parts, like wowh. Then of course, seeing whether I can breathe in Mona's energy then found myself worried over Anna disappearing from my sight as she went on snorkelling.
Amidst all those, I really got more done, and this time, quite gladly = finished formatting at least 4 out of 8 chapters, and did 2 online meetings/ consultations for my chapters. Then came our finale with fellow Transformatives doing this wave movement and caught on cam...just sheer fun which others took seriously, so we did, too in the end. Pat on the shoulder for me cuz I was utterly focused for 10 straight minutes!
Collab 2020 was also sweeter catch up time with Sol and Bobby to talk about how we were all doing with our research projects. It was such a relief to get a feel of our shared stories of our doctoral lives. All this time I thought I was alone in my quest to make good. We were all in the same boat of wanting to hurdle this PhD so we can all be together again at UPOU.
Then of course, a first time for me to take in Ria and Joyce = such youth and such intellect. Yeah, I can grow old with them, too. It's great to see how these women got it sooo right at the onset. That's me being relaxed in the idea of retiring some day knowing that these very capable colleagues are doing the right thing. And of course, the constant teasing of future Dean AFDL to downplay and ward off the idea of a future Dean JRV. Got some quality time with near-future Dean JS. That was a steady flow of ideas on schooling coming out of me to help her try things out differently in her school.
As we bid goodbye, I realized that was how I wanted Collab 2020 to end...with a bit of uncertainty. For now, I've filled my cup with these moments of being surrounded by my colleagues and fellows -- the feeling that we are all in this together, UPOU through thick and thin. It is kinda scary, this pending responsibility of institutional growth/ evolution. Don't want to think beyond what's here and now.
Ah so much drama, Aleta. But ‘tis true. When nothing in this world seems to be sustainable enough, peaceful enough, compassionate enough, what remains is the human experience – to think, to feel, to connect, to dream, to share. That should be enough right? For the time being, at least?
As for big dreams, unpopular ones, unlikely ones, it'll just fall in place at the right time. Cuz beyond the human experience is the human spirit that will keep on moving as long as goals are noble and true.
This was Collab 2020@Siargao, and this IS me coming home after all.
