I finally saw him...cold dead and all.
When I first heard the news, of course I was shocked. He was so young with so much promise for himself, his wife and his children. He had brothers, parents and grandparents looking forward to see his dreams fulfilled.Then the feeling of shock turned to anger. I turned to God and asked, "Why him? Why so soon? Why not me instead of him?". These are weird questions and thoughts I had. How dare me even to feel this way! Im not even the wife nor the daughter nor the mom, but that was how I really felt.
You see, if I die now and at this age, when my kids are pretty much ok and can go on living without me cuz they really are independent beings, I know I can leave them safely with my husband who is responsible enough to go on living with or without me and take good care of my kids and even my mom.
Such as it is. I am still in this world while he no longer isn't. I still got work to do.
So I guess my anger was out of selfishness...like for the nth time-- I have always thought of myself in fact as that--too selfish and incapable of unconditional love, the one who is a source of disappointment to others, the heart breaker, the one who can move on and not care at all.
But then lately, Im kinda seeing otherwise--I can be a good mom, on the lookout for my children's welfare; a concerned teacher always looking for a student's best side; a program chair wanting to have her student graduate; a wife who can stop work and simply be with her husband; a co teacher watching someone else's back; a friend who can make time to care no matter what, and so perhaps, I cannot die yet and be up there in the heavens. Perhaps I need more time on earth to believe the goodness in me, the loving side of me. While Jerico has already proven so much to his loved ones and to himself, therefore it should be really fine for him to go.
This closest encounter with death I have ever experienced is somekind of reminder that at anytime, I can be in the place of the wife or the mother losing a husband or a child therefore I must remember to love my family while I still can. Or that I can be the one facing death...but it should be with no regrets.
My time isn't up just yet. I have enough accomplishments in life to be able to leave the earth, but not enough love given, not yet.
When I first heard the news, of course I was shocked. He was so young with so much promise for himself, his wife and his children. He had brothers, parents and grandparents looking forward to see his dreams fulfilled.Then the feeling of shock turned to anger. I turned to God and asked, "Why him? Why so soon? Why not me instead of him?". These are weird questions and thoughts I had. How dare me even to feel this way! Im not even the wife nor the daughter nor the mom, but that was how I really felt.
You see, if I die now and at this age, when my kids are pretty much ok and can go on living without me cuz they really are independent beings, I know I can leave them safely with my husband who is responsible enough to go on living with or without me and take good care of my kids and even my mom.
Such as it is. I am still in this world while he no longer isn't. I still got work to do.
So I guess my anger was out of selfishness...like for the nth time-- I have always thought of myself in fact as that--too selfish and incapable of unconditional love, the one who is a source of disappointment to others, the heart breaker, the one who can move on and not care at all.
But then lately, Im kinda seeing otherwise--I can be a good mom, on the lookout for my children's welfare; a concerned teacher always looking for a student's best side; a program chair wanting to have her student graduate; a wife who can stop work and simply be with her husband; a co teacher watching someone else's back; a friend who can make time to care no matter what, and so perhaps, I cannot die yet and be up there in the heavens. Perhaps I need more time on earth to believe the goodness in me, the loving side of me. While Jerico has already proven so much to his loved ones and to himself, therefore it should be really fine for him to go.
My time isn't up just yet. I have enough accomplishments in life to be able to leave the earth, but not enough love given, not yet.
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