Ingress to Egress 2019

I think I'm starting to feel the stress of this thing called PhD.

Signs:
1) Having more sweets
2) Having more coffee
3) Skipping lunch
4) Non-hydrating
5) Cursing my computer screen
6) More cursing and ahaaays
7) Skipping my walk-run-yoga routine
8) Mood-swinging

All because suddenly I'm realizing I only have 4 'paid' months left.
Starting to doubt myself, and with questions popping out my brain in the midst of writing -
what if my quali methods are incorrect > what if silence from my adviser means my work is awful > what if I fail to see the bigger picture > what if there is no significant contribution at all > what if my Endnote entries need to be redone > what if the Uber driver takes me someplace else ...

All of the what if's tried to get in the way while trying to polish 3 chapters in 3 straight days & nights. Have been working until 10-ish PM. But hey, sent it and met my deadline.

Just when I thought there's nothing more to give, I find there's still something else to give. So the writing, reading and thinking goes on and on.

The thing is, I'm out of that honeymoon stage with my PhD.
I'm starting to un-romanticize my Toowoomba sojourn,
ingress turning to egress in a year's time

Hard truths:
1) Toowoomba can never be my home.
2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land.
3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb.
4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background
5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU!

And so if ALL of these shall pass, what then remains:
> words written and expressed to people who truly matter
> smiles + welcomes + goodbyes
> stories untold in my email draft folder
> home-cooked Chinese meal of cauliflower and tasty broth
> my USQ campus photofile
> E2Y2R2L-FireExit-G422
>SoE Coffee Machine
> Friend St.
> Translink screenshots
> letters, cards and postcards
> Villette & The East of Eden
> Wizard's First Rule
> The Literary Apprentice
> Cafe Valeta by Queen's Park
> daydreams & near death feelings

I feel that this PhD journey is not just about my dissertation = the written product worth my people's money.

This is really about my story of failure and moments of epiphany,
a tale of proving a point all my life as a teacher,
a story of being able to pick myself up,
to finally hug my beloveds and truly deserve them.
Most of all, it's about God's promise fulfilling,
And so in return, THIS promise to pay it forward.

Only gratitude

Today marks my first panic mode day in this dissertation joyride. The panic lasted only for 2 hours, but with 1 hour taking place verrrry early morning.  It was 1:30am and still couldn't sleep.  Something about what my adviser said stuck to my brain. So I started to check flights in case I need to move my stay at Toowoomba should worse come to worst = not completing what I came here for=waste of precious funds.

It took me about halfday to figure out the source of 'why-I-wrote-my findings-and-discussion-chapters-this-way' and finally act on  a real solution. My subheadings ergo content were inconsistent for all 3 major sections of my findings and analysis = Manifestations of the Presences. So though my chunks of qualitative writing make sense to me, I need to make sure it should make sense to the reader-examiner. I spent time to understand why the flow of my work was such. It is because I structured my findings and analysis based on what was being surfaced by the data or should I say how I am interpreting my data. I was like weaving a book chapter section without regard for somekind of predictable pattern to the next few chapters. 

Anyway, in between sorting that out, I kept on telling myself, how else can you make use of your time. So, I managed to get those graphs/ charts/ tables done. While at that, I saw all these little things I have yet to do. Then it felt like my list was getting longer -- I have 3 days left to nail that f***ing chapter. Unless I hurdle that, I won't be able to start reworking 3 chapters and composing last 2 chapters. I feel like one of those Masterchef contestants having 10 minutes left.

So I finally had to stick to my original plan because finally I ruled out the other ways to write this damn thing. The thing is, my brain can't seem to stick to 1 way unless I see for sure the other ways are NOT the ways to do it. 

At 3pm, the writing pretty much flowed. 

This is when I need to express gratitude for the little things that kept me together:

> before 9am, Maria offered me this juicy mango which gave me that energy boost in the morning 

> close to lunch time, I was having sniffles. My seatmate offered me a whole tissue box so I can keep my focus

>Aiden Yeh's Go, go, go response -- that FB reply finally came, such a wait it was.

>Mauro's sudden message, like why at this time? such a coincidence, man!

> Miley Cyrus, your song lyrics kept me in a trance to get thru those nitty gritty chart repairwork

>at around lunchtime, friendly greets from 4 faves in LBlock -  one went - 'How are you, Mahal?'. She's the cutest Dr. I've come across in that side of USQ. Yeps, aesthetics do have this strange effect on my brain.

> saw Gordon Ramsey, T-Block exit while doing my routine walk - THE Gordon Ramsey of LBlock - what a voice, ahhhaaayyy :) :) 

> by 6.30pm, my Chinese housemate offered me her usual beef noodles with  cauliflower -- it tasted supergood. It's the best home-cooked Chinese food one can have after a day's work. 

Now, APowell's PGECR session on things-to-be-grateful-for has finally sank in. If only I can remember what he said exactly. I just know this friendly neighbor of a Spiderman took some time to say his thanks after nailing his thesis.

I still have a loooong way to go. Really loooong way still.
But this is assuring myself that I will nail this! Why so?...see God's message for me and you on this very day: 

I swear, if I can help ADHD/ LD ME through THIS, 

I can help any mala- Sped adult through her/ his PhD.