I think I'm starting to feel the stress of this thing called PhD.
Signs:
1) Having more sweets
2) Having more coffee
3) Skipping lunch
4) Non-hydrating
5) Cursing my computer screen
6) More cursing and ahaaays
7) Skipping my walk-run-yoga routine
8) Mood-swinging
All because suddenly I'm realizing I only have 4 'paid' months left.
Starting to doubt myself, and with questions popping out my brain in the midst of writing -
what if my quali methods are incorrect > what if silence from my adviser means my work is awful > what if I fail to see the bigger picture > what if there is no significant contribution at all > what if my Endnote entries need to be redone > what if the Uber driver takes me someplace else ...
All of the what if's tried to get in the way while trying to polish 3 chapters in 3 straight days & nights. Have been working until 10-ish PM. But hey, sent it and met my deadline.
Just when I thought there's nothing more to give, I find there's still something else to give. So the writing, reading and thinking goes on and on.
The thing is, I'm out of that honeymoon stage with my PhD.
I'm starting to un-romanticize my Toowoomba sojourn,
ingress turning to egress in a year's time
Hard truths:
1) Toowoomba can never be my home.
2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land.
3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb.
4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background
5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU!
And so if ALL of these shall pass, what then remains:
> words written and expressed to people who truly matter
> smiles + welcomes + goodbyes
> stories untold in my email draft folder
> home-cooked Chinese meal of cauliflower and tasty broth
> my USQ campus photofile
> E2Y2R2L-FireExit-G422
>SoE Coffee Machine
> Friend St.
> Translink screenshots
> letters, cards and postcards
> Villette & The East of Eden
> Wizard's First Rule
> The Literary Apprentice
> Cafe Valeta by Queen's Park
> daydreams & near death feelings
I feel that this PhD journey is not just about my dissertation = the written product worth my people's money.
This is really about my story of failure and moments of epiphany,
a tale of proving a point all my life as a teacher,
a story of being able to pick myself up,
to finally hug my beloveds and truly deserve them.
Most of all, it's about God's promise fulfilling,
And so in return, THIS promise to pay it forward.
Signs:
1) Having more sweets
2) Having more coffee
3) Skipping lunch
4) Non-hydrating
5) Cursing my computer screen
6) More cursing and ahaaays
7) Skipping my walk-run-yoga routine
8) Mood-swinging
All because suddenly I'm realizing I only have 4 'paid' months left.
Starting to doubt myself, and with questions popping out my brain in the midst of writing -
what if my quali methods are incorrect > what if silence from my adviser means my work is awful > what if I fail to see the bigger picture > what if there is no significant contribution at all > what if my Endnote entries need to be redone > what if the Uber driver takes me someplace else ...
All of the what if's tried to get in the way while trying to polish 3 chapters in 3 straight days & nights. Have been working until 10-ish PM. But hey, sent it and met my deadline.
Just when I thought there's nothing more to give, I find there's still something else to give. So the writing, reading and thinking goes on and on.
The thing is, I'm out of that honeymoon stage with my PhD.
I'm starting to un-romanticize my Toowoomba sojourn,
ingress turning to egress in a year's time
Hard truths:
1) Toowoomba can never be my home.
2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land.
3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb.
4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background
5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU!
And so if ALL of these shall pass, what then remains:
> words written and expressed to people who truly matter
> smiles + welcomes + goodbyes
> stories untold in my email draft folder
> home-cooked Chinese meal of cauliflower and tasty broth
> my USQ campus photofile
> E2Y2R2L-FireExit-G422
>SoE Coffee Machine
> Friend St.
> Translink screenshots
> letters, cards and postcards
> Villette & The East of Eden
> Wizard's First Rule
> The Literary Apprentice
> Cafe Valeta by Queen's Park
> daydreams & near death feelings
I feel that this PhD journey is not just about my dissertation = the written product worth my people's money.
This is really about my story of failure and moments of epiphany,
a tale of proving a point all my life as a teacher,
a story of being able to pick myself up,
to finally hug my beloveds and truly deserve them.
Most of all, it's about God's promise fulfilling,
And so in return, THIS promise to pay it forward.
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