I was watching the video on Writing Arguments where the speaker 'talked too much' about the following but in a good, well-meaning way:
>thinking through arguments
> the difficulties involved in communicating ideas in writing as HDR students
>main ideas and supporting ideas
>tools for brainstorming and thinking through
>coherent paragraph writing
>SEEL
>gently guiding the reader through your ideas
I'd say 'talked too much' because now I remember viewing this initially while I was doing my findings chapter but stopped short cuz I was getting distracted by his accent amidst the talk. While listening again, I couldn't help but mimick his pronunciation of:
actual - akchuwal
argument - aahgyumint
issue - issshoo
structure - strukchuh
literature - litrachuh
making - maykin
supporting - supohwting
Yups, I get distracted by accents and vocabs most especially during PGECR mtgs. Imagine what else happens to my brain when Dr PD spills out his high vocabulary every now and then. And he does it oh so naturally, leaving me with a big question mark on my forehead. I caught lovely-looking Hanna having the same experience so I just had to blurt: "What was the word again....?"
Moving forward, I picked up a line from Dr D which all the more resonated (aha, got to finally use that word in context...again, re(heh)sonated) >> PhD = Cycle of Pain. What a way to label your dissertation writing but then you see, that is just sooo true.
I've been through my share of pains in life and this PhD is something else.
My pains are not that much when it comes to relationships. In fact, I chose to get that part settled once and for all so I can get on with my life. My bigger pains have always been job related - the fact that you invest your heart and mind to be part of a school community through thick and thin. You work your butt off to achieve shared goals then you realise later on that because your perspectives change or your ideas are seemingly different and no longer fit so the painful choice of uprooting yourself. You cut ties because you have outgrown their process & and you have to confront your new questions, new daydreams and the uncertainty of whether you can make those work in a new environment. So you move on, take a chance all over again knowing that there is a slight chance of 'hope and happening'. You simply rely on your dreams to keep you going and hope that these dreams are shared by most in your new found organisation. The challenge of problem solving keeps you going, you build new ties with the realisation that your collective imagined thingies will work. You just don't give up despite foreseen pains cuz there is just too much work which needs to get done.
Then of course the pain of childbirth. In one big push, the pain disappears in your memory as you rely on the drugs to help you forget the initial pain. Science says our bodies heal so it does. Then you see your lovely offsprings grow up to have a go at life, and share in their joys and pains. The pain of childbirth is forgettable in other words because of the joy your loved ones bring and because you have more things to look forward to together.
Now this thing about the cycle of pain known as PhD...the thing is, the pain is a self-inflicted kind of pain in the brain and chest. It was a life choice between:
> adopting a child (which involves other people's lives I wasn't prepared to bother) or
> staying as a teacher, program coordinator in my small school
(which btw, is no longer a relevant job as the program is up & running) or
> getting out of the academe and settling for a high-paying job in some international school.
> sticking to my daydream + noble goals of professor-dom, a way to teach teachers in an organization with people I can grow old with, hence the PhD
I chose this pain because it still feels like a good fit.
I got other ideas to push for at UPOU, and being at UPOU is still very much worth my time.
The cycle of pain is 2x and the work triple in magnitude for the kind of learner I am. This Phd v.2.0 (in suspense) does not merely mean hitting it off with a new-found adviser to bounce your research ideas with. The true test is whether your ideas are valid and worthy to be accepted as knowledge further qualified as a significant contribution to the discipline, the field, the practice, existing knowledge which have been mined by people's brains before my brain came along.
And so there goes the pain of trying to think with coherence,
to see clarity in the mess of my writing,
the pain of finding out that your sentences do not seem to make sense to others,
the pain of finding ways to think when you can't think
cuz pfffeelings get in the way,
the pain of realising that the thinking and writing required of this PhD runs against what ADHD's are so great at doing -
selective memory, perseveration, lack of executive functions, distractibility, impulsivity.
But then, the pain of dwelling in this pain is making me sick.
Sooo sick of it. I only have 75 days left.
Let me just juxtapose this with my 'cycle of joy' to be consistent with mood-swinging.
So what are my joys in this dissertation phase itself -
JOY =
- seeing that findings are mostly done
- I have actual chapter drafts
- I got check marks on my sheets
- cleaned up varied but minor messy sections
- I have my chapter intros
- I am relearning something old and learning something new
- I can still afford to understand a few more readings to fit into my RRL
- the challenge of putting down in writing my 'aahgyumints'
- seeing grace coming from Amor and Victor, the best K-12 learning support teachers I know, moving in full circle and benefitting me = recipient of the best academic writing support there is at USQ
- I have my daydreams intact so when I get angry at me, I turn to
future work plans post-PhD
- knowing that there are real, honest to goodness people you can rely on for help
In this cycle of joy and pain, I pay homage to Guillermo Tolentino's Oblation, the silent witness to the immense pain of it ALL and the great coper that I am who managed to jog-sprint UP Diliman's oval on several occasions. I couldn't bear for my children to see me cry endlessly, so instead, I spent more time at work (and research), and finished off with a routine of running. From the UP Theatre, I'd do a sprint to reach Oble, to see his open arms, palms upturned towards the sky = surrender/ deliverance/ offering/ freedom.
I have pulled myself out of that cycle of depression = cycle of immense pain.
So, note2self:
Remember who you are and be kinder to yourself.
You CAN and you will have your life back.
You are loved by God from up above and so this cycle of pain
is meant to keep you stronger for the greatest pain there is to confront
as you move closer to death = your 2nd life.
You will come back to this cycle of pain over and over again, but in a different context and will find new meaning in it.
Ahhhmen to that.
>thinking through arguments
> the difficulties involved in communicating ideas in writing as HDR students
>main ideas and supporting ideas
>tools for brainstorming and thinking through
>coherent paragraph writing
>SEEL
>gently guiding the reader through your ideas
I'd say 'talked too much' because now I remember viewing this initially while I was doing my findings chapter but stopped short cuz I was getting distracted by his accent amidst the talk. While listening again, I couldn't help but mimick his pronunciation of:
actual - akchuwal
argument - aahgyumint
issue - issshoo
structure - strukchuh
literature - litrachuh
making - maykin
supporting - supohwting
Yups, I get distracted by accents and vocabs most especially during PGECR mtgs. Imagine what else happens to my brain when Dr PD spills out his high vocabulary every now and then. And he does it oh so naturally, leaving me with a big question mark on my forehead. I caught lovely-looking Hanna having the same experience so I just had to blurt: "What was the word again....?"
Moving forward, I picked up a line from Dr D which all the more resonated (aha, got to finally use that word in context...again, re(heh)sonated) >> PhD = Cycle of Pain. What a way to label your dissertation writing but then you see, that is just sooo true.
I've been through my share of pains in life and this PhD is something else.
My pains are not that much when it comes to relationships. In fact, I chose to get that part settled once and for all so I can get on with my life. My bigger pains have always been job related - the fact that you invest your heart and mind to be part of a school community through thick and thin. You work your butt off to achieve shared goals then you realise later on that because your perspectives change or your ideas are seemingly different and no longer fit so the painful choice of uprooting yourself. You cut ties because you have outgrown their process & and you have to confront your new questions, new daydreams and the uncertainty of whether you can make those work in a new environment. So you move on, take a chance all over again knowing that there is a slight chance of 'hope and happening'. You simply rely on your dreams to keep you going and hope that these dreams are shared by most in your new found organisation. The challenge of problem solving keeps you going, you build new ties with the realisation that your collective imagined thingies will work. You just don't give up despite foreseen pains cuz there is just too much work which needs to get done.
Then of course the pain of childbirth. In one big push, the pain disappears in your memory as you rely on the drugs to help you forget the initial pain. Science says our bodies heal so it does. Then you see your lovely offsprings grow up to have a go at life, and share in their joys and pains. The pain of childbirth is forgettable in other words because of the joy your loved ones bring and because you have more things to look forward to together.
Now this thing about the cycle of pain known as PhD...the thing is, the pain is a self-inflicted kind of pain in the brain and chest. It was a life choice between:
> adopting a child (which involves other people's lives I wasn't prepared to bother) or
> staying as a teacher, program coordinator in my small school
(which btw, is no longer a relevant job as the program is up & running) or
> getting out of the academe and settling for a high-paying job in some international school.
> sticking to my daydream + noble goals of professor-dom, a way to teach teachers in an organization with people I can grow old with, hence the PhD
I chose this pain because it still feels like a good fit.
I got other ideas to push for at UPOU, and being at UPOU is still very much worth my time.
The cycle of pain is 2x and the work triple in magnitude for the kind of learner I am. This Phd v.2.0 (in suspense) does not merely mean hitting it off with a new-found adviser to bounce your research ideas with. The true test is whether your ideas are valid and worthy to be accepted as knowledge further qualified as a significant contribution to the discipline, the field, the practice, existing knowledge which have been mined by people's brains before my brain came along.
And so there goes the pain of trying to think with coherence,
to see clarity in the mess of my writing,
the pain of finding out that your sentences do not seem to make sense to others,
the pain of finding ways to think when you can't think
cuz pfffeelings get in the way,
the pain of realising that the thinking and writing required of this PhD runs against what ADHD's are so great at doing -
selective memory, perseveration, lack of executive functions, distractibility, impulsivity.
But then, the pain of dwelling in this pain is making me sick.
Sooo sick of it. I only have 75 days left.
Let me just juxtapose this with my 'cycle of joy' to be consistent with mood-swinging.
So what are my joys in this dissertation phase itself -
JOY =
- seeing that findings are mostly done
- I have actual chapter drafts
- I got check marks on my sheets
- cleaned up varied but minor messy sections
- I have my chapter intros
- I am relearning something old and learning something new
- I can still afford to understand a few more readings to fit into my RRL
- the challenge of putting down in writing my 'aahgyumints'
- seeing grace coming from Amor and Victor, the best K-12 learning support teachers I know, moving in full circle and benefitting me = recipient of the best academic writing support there is at USQ
- I have my daydreams intact so when I get angry at me, I turn to
future work plans post-PhD
- knowing that there are real, honest to goodness people you can rely on for help
In this cycle of joy and pain, I pay homage to Guillermo Tolentino's Oblation, the silent witness to the immense pain of it ALL and the great coper that I am who managed to jog-sprint UP Diliman's oval on several occasions. I couldn't bear for my children to see me cry endlessly, so instead, I spent more time at work (and research), and finished off with a routine of running. From the UP Theatre, I'd do a sprint to reach Oble, to see his open arms, palms upturned towards the sky = surrender/ deliverance/ offering/ freedom.
I have pulled myself out of that cycle of depression = cycle of immense pain.
So, note2self:
Remember who you are and be kinder to yourself.
You CAN and you will have your life back.
You are loved by God from up above and so this cycle of pain
is meant to keep you stronger for the greatest pain there is to confront
as you move closer to death = your 2nd life.
You will come back to this cycle of pain over and over again, but in a different context and will find new meaning in it.
Ahhhmen to that.
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