My PhD
journey meant facing up to my flawed self yet trusting even more that I do have
a rightful place in higher education, the space which I aim to navigate further
as a late-career researcher. I’d rather
be in this space, vacillating between comfort and uncertainty with 2nd
guessing myself at certain points. This way I work harder and put my hyper-thinking
to good use. Also, because I know
myself- when things become too certain and too comfortable, I become bored and
arrogant that way. Not good.
Looking
back, I believe what greatly helped in this journey was taking part in the PGECR
symposium where I had a small and cozy audience with whom I let that part of my narrative
out in the open. The process of owning
my flaws and failures have been empowering after all.
Sometimes, I think the PGECR, Research Support
Team, English Angel, HDR-LA and my Supervisors were the answers to my question: Why USQ? Why not at QUT or my U.P.? Perhaps, I am
meant to be here to see beyond my actual thesis and embrace me, and most of all learn ‘empathy’
and concrete ways to demonstrate these to future teacher-researchers in my
university. It was God’s way of telling
me, my failures are all right and it will be alright…that we all had our share in our
brokenness and pitfalls, and with great effort and positivity, transcend these to become better versions of
ourselves. In the process, things will
fall into place, as Dr Redmond had assured me time and again.
So, these
remaining months of my extended study is meant for me to suck it all up – and
still rely on God for all the little things and big things. The sad part is my daydreaming moments are no
longer within the comfort zone of my small school, rather with any K-12 school willing
to collaborate with UPOU for that matter. That perhaps, I am now really saying goodbye
to that space for the next few years. This also means savoring my last few months of
dressing down or getting dressed up in whatever, being thankful for my
workspace at home, pause to enjoy a good
window view of our trees (compared to a cluttered govt office) and in between
still have time to do online chit-chats and a share a good meal with my loved
ones.
Post-PhD, I
only hope to work towards contributing to the valuable role of the UPOUs
Faculty of Education. Whether that means
taking on more admin work because nobody else is there to take it, redefining
an office’s mandate, or supervising 2 other programs while managing to teach my
favorite teacher education courses. And
perhaps my full time work environment will now be 20 hours at the UPOU main
campus and hopefully with a great view of our version of the UP Oblation.
This also
means trying to be a Captain Marvel so that I can still get to do research I
love doing. My curiosities still remain
within the teaching and learning space but now having clearer themes and terms
of reference: of being and becoming, transitioning, teacher narratives and
identities, lived experiences and daydreams, teacher knowledge, transplanting
of ideas and research journeys.
In a way, my
daydreams have changed but still sinking my teeth in research collaborations.
The here and now remains constant - that is being in touch with my best friend
to listening to each other’s woes and worries for the nth time of our lives and
enjoying our aging and still evolving selves getting more in touch with our
real selves separate and yet linked with our beloveds.
No comments:
Post a Comment