This CUSC

 

I rushed through an abstract submission for the CUSConference 2024 and desperately wanted to gain acceptance. I have come across this "Rage against the machine" conference title through the IDERN as my mind was also grappling with an article or two of an IDERN member. After reading the article, I felt so much envy - envy for not having the kind of English I would want to read in my own work; the great sense of limitation in not being able to put in written form the racing thoughts and feelings I have in my HEI work. It's like omygahhhd, this paragraph captured what I've been thinking about all this time and why is he able to combine high English vocab and put it all thoughtfully as written words to get across meanings which grip my heart and mind when he doesn't even know me nor was the written word intended for me in the first place. And there it goes - because he wrote it first AND published IT first, and a HE at that. While reading, I caught myself imagining how the article writing came around. HE must have did HIS writing in a week after having soulful and deep conversations with a research participant. Then a week to reflect and perhaps start with a draft. And maybe just a second draft and it turns into a journal article. How can they just write that way? And does that kind of writing invalidate me as the owner of my thoughts, feelings and experiences? Stop being so competitive Aleta and enjoy the read. This is not partriarchy nor is it HIS fault that he was born English in the first place.

I admit. I hate it sometimes that I have not outgrown my Grade 3 English. It will be with me until the day I die. And the sad fact is, I have a PhD appended to my name. How can a Gr 3 English even co-exist with a PhD? Oh yes it does, Etagirl! You are a case in point =  an academic with L2 English, therefore not the NATIVE English-speaking kind and that there is an IELTS score that rubs it on your face. Better think 2x if it is good enough for the Australian university you are gunning for, which by the way, can get between 6.0 to 6.5 to 7.0 at the minimum. So there, that 's the minimum you could prove yourself worthy of. 

For a NON-NATIVE speaker of English, the conference theme sounds scary. Scary because it feels familiar and yet quite unfamiliar at the same time. It is like seeing a familiar-looking olympic-sized swimming pool which I have crossed many times, pre-pandemic. I even have an 'invented' breast-stroke style to conquer this pool. Then again, post-pandemic, the weather has been weird. I now start from the shallow-end nearer the gutter. What if I try right in the middle as I have the pool all to myself, but no lifeguard on sight, plus I'm now 5 years older, with walking as my only form of exercise. Will be able to do the swim Id like to do? The only way to know is to try right?

CUSConf theme  hooked me in because I am in this space of questioning my HEI - why we do what we do and could we just do it differently? Are we beholden to anyone? Or are we all slaves to market-driven techologies that we find ourselves just going with techtrends without care or thought just because we are ODeL and therefore must be at the frontier of educational technologies. Are our actions dictated by the RA 9500? What if I don't agree with how we interpret the RA 9500? What if I see ourselves as primarily an HEI with a mission, not just the RA 9500 nor TEH UP mission? 

Am I being just a rebel without a cause? A Faculty brat just wanting to do what I want to do?

That means me being selfish in my research pursuits in my own terms but responsibly and within the boundaries of ethical practice, just that this is me collaborating with my outside networks, and the intertextual kind and not within UPOU.

Looking back, I think yes, this should be ok as I have undertaken this and that being the new and first-time DDLD of CODTL.  Having said that, I will just have to accept the kind of English I can muster to partake in CUSConf and for other good reasons. Just need to do more readings in relation to the theme.

If only conference organizers try to water-down their kind of English to be more inclusive to those who are trying to keep up and learn their kind of English which have dominated conferences here and there, not to say the English in articles I try so very hard to comprehend and OWN its meanings. Perhaps a way to OWN my HEI thoughts and experiences even if somebody else went ahead in writing it, is to have to write it myself, even if it means having a Grade 3 voice.

But wait, I may have a Grade 3 writing persona mode. My voice is NOT Grade 3 at all. It's more like a Grade 6 and I have a higher ed brain, btw, I can live with that then.

December 10 - wait and see, abstract acceptance. A 3/5 should do with feedback and helpful references.  In case of a REJECT, that only means = be ready to book HECU at South Africa.

Post-PhD Loneliness Plus Angst

 Call it loneliness of the POST-PhD kind - that feeling and realization that all of a sudden, it's no longer like it used to be and because nothing stays the same...

THAT loneliness of not being able to find the 'right person' to bounce ideas within my faculty and maybe that is why I ended up taking on this new role as DDLD= Deputy Director for Learning Design. It was partly for finding something new and more, for 'social reasons' and that I told myself, this change of role (more like an added admin role) will allow me to forge my social ties outside the Faculty of Education and still find time to sustain my ties with others outside my university.

The angst this time, was manageable since I've been having sessions with our dear Dr. Germar. She has helped me put things in perspective while providing concrete tips not to overthink work matters and give to give myself a pat in the back every now and then. Just that, I feel that my angst has 'grown' ever since I broke my writing routine with my RWL mates. Instead of having my usual Mondays-Tuesdays protected time to read, write and have 1-1 sessions with thesis students (as part of my PC role), my week starts with meetings here and there or instant chats which destroy my trail of thoughts for my writing. I miss those days when I have my Saturdays to do 'fun and relaxed work' then the thinking gets suspended just for a day, but the momentum comes back come Monday to there is 'protected time' to engage in research writing for two ongoing projects.

After 2-3 months of irregular RWL attendance, I just let go. I can't do everything but will just have to settle with less than 2 hours a week of writing and in pockets of time which are also quite hard to manage. With less writing however, I managed to still accomplish these: 

1) 4 abstracts submissions 

2) two of those accepted = INNODEL + UKCGE, and 2 with the QPR and only because the abstract was a tweaked version coming from TEH book; 

3) MASSEd Revision Task Force Committee work - and a first for me; 

4) Review book proofs which almost made me cry and resort to unkindness: name-calling and doubting whether in fact the designated manager has the right set of skills to as attested by his LinkedIn and the STRAIVE website or his company's profile

So that's me also letting go of the 'book deadline' I originally set myself to do.

What have I learned: that the way to work with 'loneliness' post-PhD is finding new work and workmates, and that it has to be an intentional search while learning to remain grateful with current work. BUT then again, dealing with angst is takes so much more, that is assess whether it is worth my angst energy then just let go. Some things just ain't gonna happen despite all actions from my end.

Like haven't you learned all those after how many years of working?

Well, I may have but I tend to forget :(

Halo-halo 1

 Alam mo yung galing ka sa meeting at naghalo-halo na ang mga problema at nais mong gawin o kaya di bale nilang?

O yung mga halo-halong lamang ng meeting na kayhaba-haba na tila bagang walang tutuntunan?

O kaya naman mga halo-halong meeting na wala lang, chill-chill lang kung may magawa o wala?

O parang mga halo-halong meeting na nakaka-ADHD na?

Hindi ganun ang Halo-halo 1. Dahil itong Halo-halo 1 ay parang nanumbalik ang mga dating halo-halong emosyon ko sa mga panahong tanong ko lang kay Lord, bakit nga ba ganito ang role ko sa buhay sa trabaho, mula sa COLF, pa-BS, pa-Builders, pa-BA hanggang sa pa-UPOU. Tipong may maseselan na usapan na dapat may halong 'care, caution and truthfulness because that is the only way to go'. At para kanino? Alang-alang sa pakikipagkapwa-tao.

Kung nuon, maka-3 araw na masakit sa dibdib at may luha, pagtataka at pagtatanong.

Ngayon, tumanda na ko talga. Tinandaan ko ang mga panahong gayun na lamang ang kailangan gawin ang katumbas nito sa utak, dibdib at alaala. Kung kaya't ngayon natuto na si Aleta.

When the PhD changes you, you just eat and relish the Halo-halo because life is short and we just carry on. This time, the tunnel feels familiar more than ever.

I carry on these days thanks to my cats, my loved ones, Netflix, Video reels and da-Lord.