Been a year or so...& 8 mos.

 It's been a year since I started with this thing called data ANALYSIS.

Around the same time last year, I was preparing to get back to Toowoomba for the final semesterS of my studies (or I thought so, haha). So I packed some stuff to bring: 

-fave childhood goodies (chocnut, curly tops and Jolly biscuits)

- a jar of ube = purple yam delicacy

- SPAM tocino + canned corned beef for pasalubong

-bottled dried fish and/or Spanish sardines

Unloaded some of those at my Gold Coast home away from home.

I finally arrive at Toowoomba.  Hopped off  Translink bus 907 at the USQ stop near Alison Dixon Theatre (reminds me of Alice Dixon the actress, haha).  The Australian air, hmmm. No smoky scent yet. Across the stop, I see familiar faces over at K-Block.

That was roughly a year ago, amidst the writing, I spent quality time, not just with fellow humans but quality time with Toowoomba. This sojourn of mine was a lot of ME time. These days, roughly 8 mos since TaalV eruption  and 6 months of being in a mix of GCQ, MECQ and ECQ = Enhanced Community Quarantine,  my forms of escape are really just my memories, daydreaming, productive googling...and still, this thing called research.

Productive googling = Sabina Murray's blog; VICE News articles; Noor gallery of photo-journalists and stories they bring to the fore

Memories = high school days with my BFFs; Davao time with my BFFs; trips to Anilao beach with my lovelies; days of being a much younger teacher and adventuring through Cuyo and Romblon while doing volunteer work; days with Wordlab teachers where I met Teacher Vic, Mimai, Lilette, Mailin, Candy, Hazelle, Mary, Nanay Conching, Kuya Sonny= that year I worked with my best friend and a former teacher idol, Teacher Dina.

I'm not exactly missing recent memories of Builders School, must be cuz it's recent memory. Then again, the very recent memories of Toowoomba always crop up:

> lazy Sunday mornings, passing the time by going to this church or that, 

> walks crossing the Japanese gardens to get to USQ -- and the scent of ducks, the feel of the frost 

>my spot at the library, that coffee machine

> late walks along that university avenue listening to Dua Lipa playing on my phone

>those convoes with myself, an imaginary friend or with God.

>my jog-walk-run routine

>TRAG

I guess, in this pandemic, one can only try to hold on to happy memories. Or convince myself that better days will come as long as I keep myself busy with K12 Journey webinars, crafting a new research project, RWLeague, doing a few firsts = like OIC for Dean Baggy, delving into epistemic cognition, collaborating with HDR-LA, UPOU ethics app, ...almost anything, anything to convince myself that THIS reality is now my reality and whether next year will be a better year, I really don't know anymore, or shall I say rather not look that far as we Filipinos need to bear this all for a few more years under this f***ing regime!!! Gohhhd, I hate him.

One day at a time...this thing called research will keep me afloat. 

This thing called Toowoomba Sojourn will make me look forward to graduating and having that #31 on the menu, for one last time before I die.

In between, I'm quite content with payback famtime or at least thankful for having the time to spend great meals with my loved ones and just seeing and smelling my mammals still. Should better days no longer arrive, then I know, for certain, I really, really, really managed to have gudt days in this time of Corona.

One Silent Night for my VIPs v.2.019

This is 51 years spending Xmas here on earth and it truly is getting old.
I'm starting to dread going to church to SEE all the capitalist Xmas noise.

But this year should really be a good time to pause and quietly look up to thank the Lord. This is willing myself to keep memories of people cuz my tunnel vision can be hyperfocused on mere process & product.

Best wishes to this year's VIPs of my soon to be over PhD Journey v.2.0.

Let me do my greets of gratitude:

LM - I owe you for that Bukas Palad concert I attended which sealed my truerfaith in God. I understand why you had to un-friend me. But my heart can handle an overflow of pain coming from your much bigger pain. So I took it fair and square, melted it down  because I am one to get hurt & heal fast being over-loved and a keeper of little joys.  Sending over that rectangular plastic container with that  Laing dish says it all. I accept your forgiveness :)

Rachel Red - You have and will always be the bearer of my gurlish, weirdest and funniest stories of only u-know-hhhhwattdafs.  Can't believe we  have remained in touch through all these years since HS. You have listened to all my whines, grumblings and ADHD talk, confessions, misspells and pasikots included. Let's get old and stay young.

Lolita  - I forgive you and thanks for explaining. Come Christmas 2020, tell me about him. And I'll tell you - Sabi ko na nga ba, eh!

CC - We've met briefly but hit it off great. You have added color to my last few days of being at Toowoomba. Our shared stories and insights into self-doubt & our demigods, mommying and our children, giftedness and the X-men, the Guilty Feminist...need I say more? It got me thinking about femininities and masculinities and corresponding literature archetypes.
       
Anna-HEART-Alex - Yups, you are my generous and caring AirBnb hosts turned friends. Got a separate blog entry just for u2 and Dante :) Quilt+Coffee+Tuna Pesto Pizza=Lots of A-heart-A

Maria Power - Your journey and your story have been all worth it. I heart your spirit and your energy. Thanks for asking help. It's the least I could do...and I can really do mowhhh. Just holler.

Xin Yan  -  Yes, that tasty broth with cauliflower and braised beef with potatoes are the first genuinely home-cooked Chinese meals I am so thankful for. It kept me nourished through my brain-tired days & nights. Your smiles and our mix of Englishes are the only reasons I will even look up conferences in China. It should be fun to let you drive me around and see the lights.

Gu of Xin Yan - Will do my best to  treasure that beadwork ala pendant forever. Send me a pic of your dyed hair when you reach your 16th birthday.  Or better yet, let me do the dyeing for you. Then, we'll both say Happy Buthde in the Aussie accent way.

Eva - Yes, you are the only Eva I know. You have trusted me with your stories and I will keep it for a while then throw it to the wind so that my wishes will overtake it and mine will come true FOR YOU. There is a time for everything, woman. And we shall meet again someday to have that ONE smoke. Dadalhin ko mula sa Pinas para uber-mura.

Nickie - You have been a really sweet junior sis to Sigma Delta Phi Batch '87 me. I admire your loyalty, your mommy-ness, sense of fun, and sense of porma...most of all your lovely home = Shadow + children + your one and only Chef (perfume included).

Teh Dr D. - I'll take your D's anytime versus the Duterte D. Yups, my mind can afford to contain your comments found all over my chapter writing AND I WILL DO ALL the rewrites. Gahhdami and Gademet, all because I want more checks on my white paper!!! That's the least I could do in return for all the reading & fixing I put you through, not to mention the big chunk of my life drama and atypical brain I laid at your feet. You handled my work with care and I can only say 'bless you a hundredfold'.

All the above = 12 candles...HeartUAll :)

Pagnananay at Pakikibaka

Nakailang beses din na tuwing tumatawid ako sa Japanese Garden ng USQ, may bumabalik na alaala ng aking pagnananay, edad 31 taong gulang.

Katulad nalang nitong umaga, may nakita akong batang babae, naka-sunhat at nakabota, hinahabol ang mga bibe at iba pang ibon. Parang si Miranda nuon na tuwang-tuwa sa katatakbo sa Prince Park ng Melbourne. At ako naman ang humahabol na sa kanya dahil bigla ko nalang napansin na sa pagpaparaya ko sa kanya ay tila napalayo na ata sya sa aking kinalalagyan. Sa ganung  layo, nakikita ko naman lumilingon sya pabalik sa akin at nakangiti pa rin.

Nakailan na itong pagbabalik tanaw sa pagnananay nung bata bata pa si Miranda.
Ngayon, sa edad 19 ni Miranda at edad 50 ko, halos pangungumusta na lamang ang pagnananay ko.
Dahil sa panahon ngayon, ang Unibersidad ng Pilipinas ang patuloy nang pumapanday sa kanyang isip at kamalayan.

It has all been worth it, ika nga.
Ang desisyon naming mamalagi sa Pilipinas ni Vic ay patuloy na sinusubukan ng panahon.
Subalit nanatili kami sa aming paniniwala na dito kami sa bayang Pilipinas karapat-dapat na mabuhay.

Minsan masakit, at tila atang dumadalas ang sakit sa puso, utak at kaluluwa.
Nariyan ang mga kaganapan sa lipunan - pagpapalusot kay Marcos, pagbubulag-bulagan sa kamatayan ni Kian, pilit na pagsasampa ng kaso laban kay Noy Aquino, pagbabale wala ng baho ng bibig at baluktot na pag-iisip ng Pangulo, kanyang hambog na kabastusan sa kababaihan, ang panunubok sa batas ni Kardema, ang posibilidad na pagpapalaya kay Sanchez -- demonyong rapist ni Aileen Sarmiento, at ang patuloy na pambubully ng bansang Tsina sa atin at ating mga katubigan.
Saan ka pa diba?

Sa ilalim ni Pangulong Aquino, mabagal man ang balik ng drivers' license o pagrenew ng passport, kahit paano, nabubuhay kang may dangal. Kahit may konting hirap ang buhay, naipundar namin ang Builders School at matiwasay kaming nakakayod at naitatawid ang lahat lahat. Dahil sa panahong yun, alam namin, tumatakbo ang gubyerno sa naaayon na proseso. Kung kayat patuloy din lamang ang hanapbuhay namin bilang mga guro.

Sa saglit na panganganak at pagnananay sa Builders nakinabang si Miranda, si Mauro, si Anzo at iba pang mga bata sa naitanim naming binhi. At sigurado akong  lumalago pa ang buhay ng mga batang Builders sa iba pang mga kagurong nagnananay sa kanila ngayon.

Aking natanto, na ang pagnananay sa Pilipinas ay hindi simpleng pagnananay lamang sa mga pangangailangang ng bata ng pagmamahal, basic needs at pag-aaral.

Ang pagnananay sa Pilipinas ay maihahalintulad sa isang pakikibaka. Nariyan ang saglit kang mamamahinga at pagmamasdan ang pag-usbong ng iyong mga tinanim para lamang kumilos muli sa patuloy na pagpapanday ng kamalayan at perspektibo ng kabataan.

Hindi pa natatapos ang LABAN ni Ninoy.
Nabubuhay pa ang mga multo ng rehimeng ganid.

Subalit masbuhay pa rin sina Allan at Aileen  magpa hanggang ngayon.
Sila ang mga kabataang lumaban nuon sa kabalastugan ng may kapangyarihan sa lokal na komunidad.

Sa kanila at sa mga ISKO at ISKA ng Bayan ako nakadarama ng panibagong lakas. Kasama na diyan sina Miranda, Kimy, Andre,  Bea, Kim, Patricia, at Julia, Jed,  Zaq, Luis at Matt. Kasunod na sina Summer at Bayan...at napakarami pang iba.

Sa aking FB, nariyan ang mga batang COLF: sina May-i, Leni, Chloe, Paolo, Dinbo, at Oey.

Special mention: Senator SJ ng UPOU.

At sa mga kakilalang mag-asawang mga guro na naitatawid ang buhay ng pamilya, klasrum at eskwelahan. Bagamat kakaunti tayo, kay rami ng ating mga kaklase=estudyanteng kasama sa pakikibaka.

Sa kanila at sa aking mga anak, buhay pa rin ang aktibismo.

Alam nila na hindi sapat ang maayos na lisensya, passport o trapik o materyal na pangangailangan.
Sa aming mga guro, hindi sapat ang masayang klasrum, pinagkakasyang sweldo o permit to operate.

Kung kaya't patuloy ang pagnananay at pakikibaka.
Patuloy ang pagpapahalaga at pagbabantay ng  karapat dapat sa isang pagiging Filipino -  ang malayang pag-iisip, matalinong paghanap ng solusyon, pagtutulungan, pakikinig at pagmumuni...
upang kumilos nang may dangal.

Ergo, everything that this freakin' D****tuta doesn't stand for!

Kaya sa mga tumutuligsa sa mga rally o sa pagproprotesta ng kabataan ngayon, sa mga nang-aakusa sa aming mga aktibista sa aming mga klasrum at komunidad, marahil inggit lang kayo. Hindi kase ninyo kayang mamulat sa katotohanang kami ang patuloy na kumakayod para sa tunay na pagbabago kung saan kayo mismo ang nakikinabang. Kaysa mainggit o magalit, umunawa nalang at magpasalamat.

At oo, may karapatan akong sabihin lahat ito dahil produkto ako ng  buwis na pinagpaguran ng lahat. May RoI na ako at patuloy akong mag-aambag sa bayang ito, hindi upang maningil kundi karapat-dapat para sa Pilipinong hindi nabubuhay para sa sarili lamang.

Is that understood, children?

Meant2BMotherLand

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Every day of my life here at Newtown, I walk a few meters to catch the 907 bus at Margaret St at St Mary’s College stop. Yes, I’d have to admit, I do look forward to bus rides here at Toowoomba. It’s lazy time to get your mind off things. Imagine all the driving that I need to do at Binan and Binan-QC-Marikina. And so, I welcome having my hands off the wheel and have another citizen of this land do all the driving4me.

I see my stop, and so there she is again. The old strong looking lady by the street, watching out for the pedestrian. She is one woman who must love her job dearly,  and does it pretty well I must say. She’d stay in her place to guard the kids and the traffic so they won’t get into each others’ way. Not only that…she is pretty strict about where to wait, where to cross and where cars should stop. And when it is time for her to demand a STOP by placing that stop sign in the middle of the street, she got everyone’s attention on her. It’s as if time practically STOPS for her.

One time and to my surprise, I didn’t see this uniformed lady on the street. Instead, she has donned her pastel colored top and practical slacks and shoes in place of her heavy uniform. She was seated at my usual place where I wait for the bus to arrive. She goes on to talk about her life and seemed to be  satisfied with her job. I figure she must have really found a job she can live with for the rest of her life. And at my age, which may be closer to her than my M&M’s,

I see myself in her more than the school kids she takes good care of while crossing the street

So I was thinking, would I have the guts to trade living my life in the current state of the Phils for this kind of life, her job and her bit of comfort (& discomfort) in return for the hard work she puts in. Then I thought, not. In the first place, I simply do not have the talent nor skill for such immense focus to be on the job for maybe 1.5 straight hours in the morning under whatever kind of weather. My mind is too restless to start with. I have too many inner speeches and daydreams. My emotions get the bit of me on certain days. I would not last long as for sure, I’ll get run over by a bus.

For a minute there, I stopped and thought, really thought, gee, for once, why am I even considering this at all. But I did.  For what has become of my motherland these days.

I hopped on the 907, put on my shades and tried to stop the tears from falling.  Painful tears of a kind I’ve never had b4. It started a bit last night, then again when I woke up at 6am to see the news. Everything was there—we are pretty much getting worse by the day.  No matter how I try to insulate myself from the pain and anger, I just can’t. I almost decided against going to school today. But I thought perhaps walking in the cold would help it all go away.

It didn’t. It just wouldn’t.

This must how Rizal, Bonifacio and Mabini have felt when they penned their pains in poetry – love for  motherland which I don’t even know where this damning kind of love comes from.

But this I know in my heart & trying  hard2holdon2:  I am meant2b where I am as this is the only way I intend to live with my choice to keep on being a Filipino in my homeland. When I get old as this old lady, I shall look back to these days, and THIS pain, when what I can only hold on to are my M&Ms and my PhD. This is my way of making sense of what has come upon us. I vow to live THIS life, and spend the last of my days as Filipino educator, and say to this f****** leader, IT IS YOU and your f****** kampon who shall die in vain, NOT I. I shall continue to live, older than this old lady if I have to in order to see that day…to the very end.

How about tweeting those last words in my Twitter2B profile?

Arroz Chicken Soup for my Soul

Dahil may tira-tirang chicken breast bones ang aking AirBnb host, nasayangan ako. Bukod sa chicken breast, may pakpak. So pinatulan ko muna yung pakpak bago kinuha ang chicken buto butong may konting laman at ni-ref.

Subalit sa dala na rin ng nais kong magsabaw, tyinaga kong gumawa ng arroz caldo.

Pinakuluan muli ang buto, inantay lumamig, at saka hinimay konti para sa naiiwang chicken laman. Nagdikdik ng bawang, naghiwa ng sibuyas at binudburan ng luya at saffron powder. Pinakuluan pang muli at inantay ang panganghalian.

Ha? Ano kamo? Naghimay ng manok? Nag arroz caldo? Ako!!!

Oo ako. Habang hinimay, dun ko naisip si Vic…ang aking butihing maybahay. Mas maybahay siya kase sa aming dalawa, mas si Vic ang talgang kaya mamalagi sa loob ng bahay para magtrabaho at magluto. Sya ang asawang may tiyagang gawin lahat ng mga iyon para siguraduhing kapag kainan na, magsasama muli kami mula sa aming mga nuknok sa bahay—si Miranda sakwarto na forever nanunuod ng KDrama, Narcos at of course, walang katapusang HW. Si Mauro na marahil nagdrorowing o nagvividyo geym o nagchachat o nagmumuni muni…at ako, nag aaral-nananaginip-nabubugnot sa pag-unawa ng mga babasahin at kung paano isulat ang mga kung anu ano.

I guess, uwing uwi na ko para makaisip na mag arroz caldo.

Subalit lulubusin ko ang mga huling araw kong ito sa Toowoomba kung saan ako dinala ni Lord. Ang timing nga naman niya oo…walang katapat! Nasa plano nya lahat ito….alam nya ang panahong magiging busy ako, magiging distracted ako, mapapariwara sa mga life priorities ko. Alam nya lahat yun. At alam din nya kung kelan nya ko bubunotin sa mga iyon para bigyan ako ng muling pagkakataon—sideline lang ang pag-aaral, paalala nya.  Ang Toowoomba memory ko ay bilang pagtanda na tumatanda na ko at ok lang magrelaks nang sa ganoon matanto ko ang katiyakan ng buhay at kamatayan, at ang paglalakbay sa katandaan…at magandang paalala na sa naiiwan kong buhay, may oras para gumawa ng arroz caldo  dahil may oras para tumigil –may oras maalala na ako ay loved---let’s stop and talk a while in the one world of Nescafe…I mean, yeah, I miss you Vic…everything about you and the meals you cook for us at our lovely Binan home….our UP squatter stint, our Teachers Village and your Mahabagin days…and see I forgot that other street name where we stayed. Only you will be able to remind me of those.

And only you who will be around as we grow old together, dearly. Id hate the idea of cooking arroz caldo alone and by myself in our Binan home. But if it has to come to that, I know I will end up doing that just to remember you, and Toowoomba, my early Phd days, God looking out for me, and having thoughts of u…arroz chicken soup for my soul.

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Love Letters to my M&Ms

Dearest Miranda,

Something up there in the clouds which make me thank God for wishes granted, past blessings and surprises which have yet to come. You know, He does that. This Queensland trip was one.

It was a good wait to get into a Phd and He finally made it happen.

But definitely, you Miranda, is a wish granted.

I prayed for a girl, to be different from me, so that she wouldn’t have to deal with how it is to be me (strange and all). What I got was someone strange-er – hardworking, determined, committed, in love with animated characters, with a dry sense of humor and so prettier with her lipstick on.

The thing is, I was only able to wish up to your high school. And you got that together….and soooo DONE soon. The rest of it, I trust you will create. And being the person that you are now, I know you will move forward.

But before that even happens, can we pause a while?…and just take time to thank the Lord for watching over you.

Now should be a good time for a new set of wishes. My prayers are:

1)      That He keeps you safe all through College so that you land a job to keep yourself happy and comfortable.

2)      That He gives you strength to hurdle daily challenges

3)      That you eventually learn to take care of others in the manner that your family, friends and other  loved ones have taken good care of you

4)      That you gain a thankful heart and eventually learn to rely on Him for anything small or big

The choice to give back, and how to be blessing to others is your part to figure out.

There is no harm in  having a little faith and a humble heart to ask God for your heart’s desire.

High school is to feed your mind. Learning goes on during your lifetime for as long as you have a good brain. While at that, you will feed your heart and soul…whatever and however that means.

Much love,

Nanay

Mauro, my dearest !!!

Last trip to Australia, I had wishes for Miranda dear…and it has happened.

Back then, I had no wishes for you just yet. You were just a kid with your dad in some apartment…very much a gradeschooler.

But now, you are 13!  So now, I have asked the Lord  a few things for you…and I will secretly, sincerely and fervently pray for those wishes to come true.

The thing is, I can not tell. You know in the Bible, when God revealed Himself to Mary…Mary didn’t go around proudly and loudly speaking of God’s revelations. She savored the good news in her heart.

So maybe this time, I’ll try to be more like Mary (than Jonah, Mary Magdalene or a Prodigal Son or a Good Samaritan).  My wishes for you are meant to stay first in my heart. This is because I don’t want my wishes to get in the way of what YOUR OWN WISHES will be.

Here are the present ‘likes’ that I hope you will like, too:

1)      Id like for you to really enjoy high school and having new friends.

2)      Id like for you to be a great friend to any boy and girl who needs your brand of friendship.

3)      Id like for you to keep your love for sports and drawing and painting as it is something only You in the family can manage to do

4)      Id like for you to continue helping your dad cook

5)      Id like for you to check on your sister and your lola most of all

6)      Kiss, hug and pray for your dad and Miranda every night…and ME, too.

There…. Send me by FB messenger the exact art stuff that you said you wanted.

The thing is, if it’s Made in China, may as well get it through Lazada (for Xmas)…

I really don’t know what art stuff you can get from here.

But I promise steak dinners should be forthcoming.

There….