Thursday, February 20, 2020

A Neat Kind of Nitpicking



Two days after my full draft submission, I was a cockroach with 6 antennae. I was daydreaming= up and about thinking of 6 creative work/ paper ideas:

> TP study on learning support

> PhD journey auto-ethno Part 2 & Part 3 - HERDSA 2020

> a paper presentation based on my thesis

> website rebuild for my Scratch Paper

> 1 more blog for the Transformatives of Collab 2020

> an ethnographic study with research fellows of Collaboratoire 2020

HERDSA 2020 abstract writing  was top in my dropdown list.  But then, did that alongside other things: trying a not- the-usual chocolate cake recipe, chatting with the Transformatives, & blogging. So out came a so-so abstract.

Gaaash, Aleta. Can you be more focused and systematic?  Guess not.

Days later, I decided to sched a consultation with Dr D and try things differently. So what if, I compare my scores with the expert abstract writer-reviewer. Why not try to practice giving comments on my work, as if  I'm giving feedback to a student.  Again, compare. Neat!

As usual, things went un-recorded, tsk tsk. And why does the un-recorded leave me with mowwwhhh food for thought :)  What I witnessed is a nitpicking of the Doctor kind. Didn't realize how 'oc-oc' the process can be.

I remember saying, "Go ahead, just do the rating, no need to be nice".  I ended up quite amused with the nitpicking because he really went sentence by sentence, then for a few ones, word for word.  The automated-grammar-guru was still at work of course. He still found a few lapses despite me running that abstract through Grammarly. For a while I thought, "Is that what my examiners will do with my thesis? And if so, does that mean I should at least do that first to my own thesis? Omg, I haven't done that for some sections of my chapters!!!"

Anyways, the co-ratings for my abstract are here below:

Relevance -             a = 4     d = 3

Description -           a = 4     d = 4

Contribution 2R -    a = 3     d = 3

Clarity of writing -  a = 3    d = 4


I felt at some point, the ideas in my abstract got too 'scattered'.   Dr D noticed that I could have driven important points more directly.
And that one way to do that was to look at the wordings/ key phrases in the actual description of conference themes, then use those in the abstract. Hardly did that before!

Tried to visualize the phrases he used: 'slap their faces with it' (or was that 'drive it down their necks'? or 'ram it down their throats'?). While listening to those Englishingies, my quick translate was: saksak mo sa baga nila!  

That was almost 1 hour of a pretty neat kind of  nitpicking. But, I must say, it was quite tiring. And I'm just 1 out of the 3 or 4 more consultations for the day. Only a wizard can get those done. Glad that he's the wizard and I can just be a hobbit (for now).

So this is how it feels like to be at the receiving end of nitpicking. That was like Kuya Roger receiving explicit instructions from Teacher Aleta to hang this child's artwork this way > if that didn't work, do this > still not up to my liking, do that. Or while with Teacher Ron and reviewing his letter to parents > change this, change that. Or when Teacher Mai sets the agenda for our meeting > this goes there, this goes here > a better flow of discussion to make sure we don't overdiscuss. Gahhhd, that's funny. 

Seriously though,  now that I'm seeing the scores, I should be ready for a borderline yes. Awwwh. But hey, a No from HERDSA only means that I can relax and just enjoy the conference (in return for not entirely enjoying ASCILITE Dec 2017). Imagine getting nervous for a poster session a few days before my flight, instead of spending cozy time with E&N or A&A? That is if I can even get my study grant (extended version) approved in the first place.

Now the actual poster is another thing of course....hmmm.




Wednesday, February 12, 2020

PhD v.2.0 extended play version: Clear and present intentions


To be consistent with the extended play versions of Taylor Swift and Lorde running through my eardrums every time I write, here goes a version for my extended study to continue with reading, thinking and writing. I just surrendered to the fact that Feb 27, 2020 was an impossibility, though on record I have written the required THIS and THAT :) Yups, did it. And just said what will be will be.

The extension was much needed, upon realizing the full extent of what 'dissertation writing' means. Credits to my adviser.  I think, in the end, it could be most beneficial to lessen my stress and misery with a very tight deadline. In that state, that would mean me committing more mistakes. Though in the past, I really do work well by cramming. But then, this IS thesis of the examinable kind, a thorough one at that. We are after academic excellence and excellence has never been my goal. My prior writings were always for the sheer joy of sandplay.  I was after experimenting with types of qualitative writing I intuitively chanced upon then just got lucky.

Getting giddy awaiting approval of funding for my extended study. Without the funds, I'll cry an ocean, swipe my card then sell my car which by the way I lent to my mom and dad. So maybe, I could mortgage our property or pawn 2 rings. Hmmm, woman, have a little more faith in the Lord.

For this extended study, I am going partly for an on-campus stint.  Best to do some self-checks of my intentions so putting these here:

Academic
> get those revisions done
> work closely with a proofreader
> protected time to work on a paper for HERDSA or maybe a PGECR sympo or AAOU2020 at Sri Lanka
> quality time to join RWriting League f2f and tame my distractions
> immerse in a session with the CoP Research Supervising Team
> chance to visit THAT school recommended by Debbie and Catherine
> participate in a workshop by Ally

Social-personal
> take part in meetings/ workshops to practice my active listening skills without getting distracted by accents and high vocabs
> a chance to be with fellow women whom I wish to support and engage with (Nicky, Catherine, Lolita, Eva)
> a slight chance to visit Kat
> have Ice cream with Xin Yan & Gu
> get to see more of the best side of my Associate Supervisor LG
> fix those hardbound thesis manuscripts on a decent shelf in THAT part of the library
> take those picshots
> give my thank you gifts to my mentors

Wellbeing
> that goes without even saying

There you go.


Monday, February 10, 2020

Collaboratoire 2020: Coming home


Until the last minute, couldn’t be sure whether I could make it. Ahhh, my mind and my usual seesaw. I haven’t joined any discussion over at Basecamp for Mentors/ Facilitators of Collaboratoire 2020. Couldn't cuz quite fixated with my chapters which weren’t clean enough. There were major spots to work on. Taal volcano hasn’t quieted down. I was still tracking down my request letter for extended study. I haven’t been out to  visit my mom and dad nor sure whether I deserved to see anybody from UPOU until I got this 1 damn thing done.

But then, the commitment to join and support a friend was done many months ago. Like, sure, why not. I can handle the distraction. Whether this was going to be another Biomodd with Angelo, King and Diego, or a chance to be with Sol, I just said yes, knowing fully aware that those days would probably be crunch time.

Crunch time it was. Top priority should always be my dissertation over everything else. Then again, I have been doing exactly that for the past 2.8 years and lately feeling miserable. I love research right? Why do I feel like breaking up with it?  Like, how could I have loved you in the first place?!! While I got busy with commas and quotation marks, those APAs, I thought, why all of a sudden is my dissertation getting in the way of my learning.  I already missed my personal deadline anyways. What's another week? To hell.

I chose heaven. Being in Siargao was like an ultimate release. Will this be even worth it?

Seeing Angelo at the airport brought back memories of Biomodd. I didn’t even know a thing about gaming nor art installation back then when I tried my best to understand him and the ongoing emails of Biomodd members. My goals were purely social – to be with my colleagues and see them at their best. I thought, the learning will surely sink in.  The reward was witnessing ‘gifted teaching’ by Diego and seeing the caring side of AFDL finally unhidden. At one point I couldn’t exactly see whether the collaboration was working. I was feeling the tension at certain points. When I could no longer rely on cognition, I relied on pure labor...until I found a way to finally make Biomodd my own. Since then, the sight of roots, trees, leaves,vines, fishtanks -- the organic and nonmaterial -- all of a sudden takes me back to the sense of community we tried to build together. It still is a strangely warm feeling seeing all of them in one space once again.

Now this Collaboratoire 2020! What’s this yummy looking pauso ni Diego and the whomever he’s bringing in. I didn’t have time to google but ended up sensing people through their profiles and links to their websites. Such renaissance men and women of the 21st century kind. Wow, what an inter/transdisciplinary team we are.  I wondered what I can bring into the group.

In moments of uncertainty, I just usually bring my jolly self. Before the jolly self surfaced, I had to talk things out with Rita, a colleague who fondly labelled me as her Angel, haha.  I sorely needed her to be angelic back to me.  We talked about our struggles, both coming from harmful research advising and getting into our new universities. We had this shared feeling of questioning who we are, what went wrong and now seeing that we are almost, almost getting there.

By the time we took off, I was my smiling self. Excited to be with Sol and Bobby, fellow facilitators. Looking forward to our my sandbox play mode as usual. I thought, this week is just like going with the flow like the rest of the fellows.  I'll be living for the present with my unformatted chapters at the back of my mind.

It felt  nice to finally meet new faces, our actual fellows in the flesh. They had real hair and teeth behind their names and backgrounds on an excel sheet. I tried to recall who and why we chose whom. Just happy to be seated with them amidst the sound of the Siargao tides hitting the riprap. I did a version of active listening and sorting their grand ideas in my brain.

I paused and wondered: is this somekind of grand plan from above? Or just a Wonderboy Diego at work who seemed to know that there must be some prior connection somehow. Why did it feel like I've met each one of them once in the past?

Kate feels like a co-parent: a staunch believer of  homeschooling she is – very much into alternative education. I can imagine future projects with her.

Eric and his amusing accent still ringing in my ears: I can imagine being in his high school classroom hyper-focusing on his manner of speech cuz I'm already into his global citizenship anyways. Would love to observe his teaching presence :)

Jandy, the snowy white fairest of them all ('cuz I'm so cindered):  such passion for  teacher education when I was almost giving up on it. Got tired of teacher training at some point in my life. And so I admire his courage to keep at it.

Chao, and her vision of making things better for IP Ed: I see her going places, making a go for things outside the realm of her Grade 2 classroom. She's like a flashback to my beginnings as a teacher transitioning to community-based education work, post-Mt Pinatubo eruption and right at this time of post-Taal phreatic explosion.

While engaging with them, I was imagining the prospect of  how  their ideas can turn into actual research proposals, post-Siargao.  I was thinking perhaps she will be good with writing about the framework and rationale; she'll be great with outlining all the nitty-gritty tasks in writing, budget included; he will be efficient with describing the methodology and he will be perfect with editing the whole thing, adding thingies at the right places.  So this is how it feels like to be somekind of a mentor-facilitator= seeing promise and potential then getting surprised with outcomes as to what each and everyone will be able to deliver. Suweeet.

I saw bits of pieces of myself in them. And yet now with Bobby and Sol as higher ed professors, I'm confronted with the challenge of guiding them. Like how even, right? But my PhD journey has given me the chance to trust in myself and my intuition mostly.  Ahhh, now I remember! WE ARE TRANSFORMATIVE EDUCATION. We ALL aim for innovation...and based on our gut-feels, passion, frustrations and vision.

And then there was Sue.
So subtle. Observant and engaging. Listening.
At times I see her shut off. Letting us be for really good reasons. So much confidence in us. She sets group meet ups by consulting with us. Hardly imposing but setting things on record, smoothly enough for us to remember.

We both agreed to 'play'. And play we did. From the Arduinos + Microbits, to the fellows actual testing of 'play' amidst story-data-gathering and immersing with community folks, upto the role-playing session to help our fellows rehearse, and of course, until the actual presentation, we mentors/ facilitators played along.

And of course, there was ample time to play: me joining Diego in his self-care, movement workshop; me trying to provide inputs to our fellows' presentations, engaging in the other presentations; me trying to sense what Mihaela was trying to do with her group. I was secretly listening and watching Klara do her thing with the fellows moving around and about the whole space.  One time, I was trying to observe Pieter's camera parts, like wowh.  Then of course, seeing whether I can breathe in Mona's energy then found myself worried over Anna disappearing from my sight as she went on snorkelling. 

Amidst all those, I really got more done, and this time, quite gladly = finished formatting at least 4 out of 8 chapters, and did 2 online meetings/ consultations for my chapters. Then came our finale with fellow Transformatives doing this wave movement and caught on cam...just sheer fun which others took seriously, so we did, too in the end. Pat on the shoulder for me cuz I was utterly focused for 10 straight minutes!

Collab 2020 was also sweeter catch up time with Sol and Bobby to talk about how we were all doing with our research projects. It was such a relief to get a feel of our shared stories of our doctoral lives. All this time I thought I was alone in my quest to make good.  We were all in the same boat of wanting to hurdle this PhD so we can all be together again at UPOU.

Then of course, a first time for me to take in Ria and Joyce = such youth and such intellect. Yeah, I can grow old with them, too.  It's great to see how these women got it sooo right at the onset. That's me being relaxed in the idea of retiring some day knowing that these very capable colleagues are doing the right thing. And of course, the constant teasing of future Dean AFDL to downplay and ward off the idea of a future Dean JRV. Got some quality time with near-future Dean JS.  That was a steady flow of ideas on schooling coming out of me to help her try things out differently in her school.

As we bid goodbye, I realized that was how I wanted Collab 2020 to end...with a bit of uncertainty.  For now,  I've filled my cup with these moments of being surrounded by my colleagues and fellows -- the feeling that we are all in this together, UPOU through thick and thin. It is kinda scary, this pending responsibility of institutional growth/ evolution. Don't want to think beyond what's here and now.

Ah so much drama, Aleta. But ‘tis true. When nothing in this world seems to be sustainable enough, peaceful enough, compassionate enough, what remains is the human experience – to think, to feel, to connect, to dream, to share. That should be enough right? For the time being, at least?

As for big dreams, unpopular ones, unlikely ones, it'll just fall in place at the right time. Cuz beyond the human  experience is the human spirit that will keep on moving as long as goals are noble and true.

This was Collab 2020@Siargao, and this IS me coming home after all.

Monday, February 3, 2020

PhD v.2.0: Feels like Postpartum

Why do I feel like this thing called PhD is an American, white man's journey, with APA the 6th as the ultimate Uncle Sam = U.S. domination/ oppression of the research kind.

There's a blog out there on 'common mistakes students have'. So if it's 'common mistakes', then PhD is not for the 'commoner-mistaker'. Or if the mistakes have been there for the length of time to be common enough, have they ever tried a one-time common solution to the problem by making APA friendlier to commoners. For example, why have a normal font for the Table label and an italicized Table caption vs an italicized Figure label and normal font for the Figure caption. I don't get that!

Or why the fuss of whether the period comes first before the closing quotation mark or after if it ends in a sentence. Why even compare the American way vs the British way in a blog just to prove that APA is the American way we must all abide with. Why is there no Australian way to question the fellow-white way of doing this and make referencing and formatting be chiller than usual, as Australians are the chillest bunch?

Ahhh, I forget, my PhD is in the English-IELTS language so I just need to follow the inventors of English. And btw, there are different kinds of Englishes, too. So my spell check goes behaviour vs behavior, analyze vs analyse. How lovely! And such well spent time to do all those vs fixing my cabinet that's falling apart, or buying the right set of curtains to protect me and my asthmatic-rhinitic family from the ash or other particles coming through the window.

Before this turning-into-a-cynic mode, was the cycle of pain which has now turned to what I perfectly label as Postpartum. I was literally a b**** from January 13-25 and at home who gave birth to all my reworked but still messy chapters and not wanting to be with others nor wanting to go around. I've ignored messages from my mom and dad amidst all the cleaning up. I was saving my last week of January to fulfill a promise to be at Collaboratiore 2020. I tried to regulate the angst by joining the Research Writing League and setting consultation time with HDR-LA so I can sense that I am actually getting things done because I AM getting things done.

While getting things done, I got irritated with the sound of the ff:
- Java's nails scratching the floor while he moves to and fro
- Vic's slippers and the pots and pans when I'm finally in that zone of formatting
- the neighbor's dog barking
- the ongoing pinging sound of the neighbor's phone and Mauro's phone - they are obviously chatting

If there was a pencil to table tapping student around, I'd literally yell cuz I am not a nice K-12 teacher these days. I've been pregnant with this research project for 2.8 years. That's like being constipated for that long and now finally everything's out and I don't feel like looking beautiful all of a sudden. May I just be all sorts of emoticons :), and a cartwheeling one soon, I hope.

And so I drown with Lorde. She's my great company these days. Some day, I will raise my glass and will not get done saying this: You Transformatives, along with my top-fave colleagues snapped me out of my post-partum, like YEAH! Surf we shall, Collaboratoire 2021/2.

And yeah, I have to hand it out to the coolest Englishwoman I've met, who by the way started surfing at the age of 50. It makes APA the 6th feel like a breeze.

Ahaaaay. This is me saying, that my Postpartum was best spent at home, in the Philippines, with my full grown mammals understanding me. And that Collaboratoire 2020 was reward worth claiming (having skipped 2 major holiday get togethers).

While the Transformatives will be making their research proposals happen, I'll be breastfeeding my chapters. My adviser says it's still going to be months of fixing and fixing.  In the meantime..."when people are talking...people are talking....get still":

Happy birthday Java, Happy birthday Teacher Vic, Happy birthday fool's draft!