'The Power of the Pen'

I've been using 'pens' lately, a lot of 'em, different kinds:
>  a bunch of highlighters to label my codes and could-be themes
> reliable black ballpens for post it notes on my charts
> broad whiteboard markers to label headings on big A5 sheets
> sweet blue ballpens on my decomposition (more of a decompression) notebook and scribble pad

Nice to know that I can still understand my handwriting when for the past months I'm always on my laptop or desktop or on my Huawei doing notes, writing my thoughts, sandwiching a 4500-word paper  and yearbook prod-work in between just by pressing on keys or abusing my mousepad, ergo my right shoulder, elbow and arm.

Soon, I hope to get back to 'letter' writing:
> a long overdue letter to my dad
> a card for my mom and Atel
> comfort postcard for Kat
> letter to Vic

All these penwork bring me back to my Pahinungod days at Tablas Island, Romblon and Cuyo Island, Palawan --lovely letters to Vic and a not so good one to some dude.

Twenty years later, I'm here at Australia. Who would have known, right?

And so, I am hoping these pens will have the power to make me connect the dots in this winding and complex path of data analysis. Quali-R now seems to be 3D puzzle I can't quite hack yet. The prior quali studies I've done were quite flat. Sure, it got me through thick descriptions and some kind of analysis I can't even remember how.

While I sat through a workshop on presentation skills, picked up a few self-help tips to help me look forward to presenting once again perhaps at AAOU or PELS (yeah, go local), an image of 'fear' got me thinking.

That fear is deeply rooted in self-doubt. I've always doubted whether I'm cut out for PhD work. But the fact that I'm still here and blogging away should be enough to assure me that I'm cut out for the work. Hellow, Aleta, got done with CoC and data gathering, what other proof are you searching for.

Then again, I am now able to put into words the very particular fear I have: that is whether my output will be good enough -- an examineable thesis of the USQ kind= having coherence,  complexity, and major contribution to the field. The other C comes from U.P. = that it is cost-effective -- will it be worth the 3.6 million bucks worth of grant in Filipino pesos-es.

The only  assurance I have is this: that all the barriers have been removed -- that there really is no reason for me to fail unless I do it on purpose.

So, I shall press on, make the most of these pens alongside NVivo-ing + focused thinking + focused reading + Chapter 4 writing...and find those words said by S. Peck (1978), “Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future.”

Me being here working until about 7.30-ish pm lately (and walking home in the cold) is the least thing I could do. Can't use my pen to cast my vote for Otso Diretso. But I'll use all the power I can muster within me to finally write this thesis, get done, graduate and publish in time for the next Philippine presidential election.

Grrrrrapes!

These grapes are kinda juicy J

So finally I had my first taste of those grapes. I didn’t realize it could be that juicy.

For one, the RedTrain Bootcamp was a bit of a slow start…the usual intros, context, essential agreements…I was hoping to get down to writing at once. I was planning to just pretend to be ‘with’ other participants just to get a chance to meet with a Learning Advisor to finally get that Chapter 3 done. Only because collaboration is nothing new to me. Ive had successes with it. Im seeing my doctoral studies as a chance to finally focus on MY OWN INDIVIDUAL research – since that has always been put aside due to other projects with colleagues and co teachers which  had to be prioritized, fruits of which have actually gotten me here – a clearer research topic to set the direction of future research and life projects for the next & last 10 years of my teaching career.

Then again, perhaps I took the first day a bit for granted.  Within a few hours of Day 2, everything just fell into place – it got the creative juice out of me, but then I know for sure, it’ll get juicier in the days to come.

Looking back, my first few published works were products of collaboration, within my informal research community. Those were attempts to reach out to other fellows because I didn’t trust my initial ideas and own writing. Co-writing those papers then was really a good way for me to get the validation I needed. But also because I actually liked writing about real life experiences as an educator who has made the rounds—from a grade school setting to an informal community based setting, public secondary ed, IBO world school, fully online teacher ed ---back and forth, sideways -- progressive vs traditional schooling,  view from the top and the bottom, etc etc etc. I finally was able to write lots about those through case studies here and there for the sheer joy of decluttering my brain and coming up with something shareable.

This second shot at a fulltime doctoral study project , however, is something bigger than the prior case studies I’ve made. It requires more focus, more skills in data gathering and analysis, a steady resolve to take more risks and to finally find comfort in my own voice. This time around, the accountability becomes greater because it will involve working with other students and teachers beyond my Builders’ School and my  open university. It requires more attention, care and responsibility to make sure trust and respect shall pervade ---pretty much sounds like another marriage….whew!!!

 And so I can only draw inspiration from this RedTrain experience of collaboration…which to me is simply about being naked --- a better sounding word in Filipino is ‘hubad’ or 'lumpiang hubad' (food version) = those yummy Fil-Chinese veggie rolls, unwrapped. Collaboration is like laying down your weapons, taking off your armour…to see each others’ real skin for all its moles, freckles, bumps, wrinkles and colors….because your mates are struggling as you are, and  keeping strong as you are. And in each other, we can only find an ally --- a coach, a cheering squad, an invigilator (of the thesis writing kind) or someone with another pair of eyes trying to make sense of your writing. Collaboration as I’ve shared to willing listeners in my small group, entails seeing each others’ strengths and limitations and having the willingness to engage in the process because of a shared goal to learn and contribute.  In a research writing sense, imagine Petrea and David seeing my naked brain—for all its mess, strangeness, and indecisiveness but they’ve managed to hold on, having a bit more trust in me. I know they are paid to do it, but they really do it pretty well. At my QLD university, I feel that I’m not just a student statistic so I shall continue to rely on Leoni’s words ---that they are here to help.

In between alone time, listening and thinking during Day 1, were worthwhile exchanges with Shirley and Barbara---all coming from our own causes and convictions, and that drive to make something out of those. Barbara was ahead of us and working on 4 journal articles from her dissertation while Shirley and I started just this year. Bonnie and I were working on our proposal, Susan was working on her dissertation writing and a grant proposal.  Imagine the spread in other groups??? And the varied fields we all came from ---agriculture, aviation, physics, education, engineering, economics, IP studies, music --- each having that niche in research (…and we haven’t even gotten around talking about hobbies!)

So, here’s the juice: I’ve got a pack of great feedback, quite honest and reassuring ones from Shirley, Bonnie and Nicole…and of course the more explicit rewording from Susan and Marcus---I practically had no need to see Batman (though I shall demand F2F coach time to learn the how-to's & gain skills in helping my future research advisees). Plus, that instant lift from Barbara and Billy to get my mind off the written word.

I can only feel gratitude: Christine, Marcus, Douglas and Joan (plus all the members of the team)…at the sight of grapes or the taste of grape juice….you shall be remembered.

What I need to put into words but can only say here.....

...that it has a been quite a roller coaster  journey for me to get here at USQ.

It was  4 years of decluttering my brain of what needs to be shared thru a series of writing (and getting published) on progressive schooling, inquiry learning and dual language while doing further studies under a doctoral program (curriculum studies) at UP, my university of employment.

Then 3 more years to experiment with technologies in my small school alongside adjusting to a university career in an open university.

In between are moments of doubt and joy, of getting out of my small school comfort zone to write about my newly found Open University experiences of virtual community, teaching presence and learner presence, and blended learning.

When I finally thought that I had a major thesis in mind, after completing coursework and comprehensive exams, I realized my research interests were no longer within the field of curriculum studies. The result was a series of research proposal turn downs by my panel—and more so getting lost with all the mix of advises and lack of structure, and being at my wit's end with an impossible research adviser who surely cannot work with an IMPossible me.

Then came the decision to sever ties with my alma matter, at least as a student so I can move on and not simply settle for anything less.

Another round of disappointments came, as I searched for a university to launch my research interests. I was turned down by IGNOU (Phd DE) and OUM.

It was admissions at QUT which assured me that my emerging thesis was worth looking into. That I had in fact qualifications to back me up.  I finally see there's a path I can dare discover.

But the scholarship offer was definitely out of timing. I was in the midst of adjusting to an alternate work commitment so my daughter can enjoy a scholarship benefit from an IB school in the Philippines. Can never say no to that and I'm glad I didn’t. The experience has taught me that at 46, I still have much to learn about perspective, attitude and organizational communication. And that there are in fact limits to what I can accomplish for an institution. Seeing these limitations also showed me possibilities.

Or that, getting back to my university work alongside small school work is in fact the best place for me. Staying with U.P.  and Builders’ School only means I need not give up pursuing lifelong learning if it is the only way to come back to live my last 15 years as an educator before I shall retire happily. 

The journey has brought me here @USQ:   this is me telling myself that there are no limits to what I can choose to learn, how and when. And that now, it is ok to settle and let go of unnecessary load (and learning to actually say NO because that is what it means to say YES to research).

Looking back, I really am a classic case of a student in an unusual circumstance. But don’t we all have our unusual stories to tell?

This is me looking forward to getting back to fulltime University  work by year 2020. This time, to be at a better space to encourage, inspire and understand other research students... and set up a few things which may matter to research students, being most fortunate to experience helping myself and getting the needed student support at USQ.

YES, I still am an  ‘Iskolar ng Bayan’…I am just like any student of the UP Open University, in some pursuit, at times in limbo, but still not giving up.

YES, we will find our way.

End of story – ( I sure hell can’t dump this on my panel)

But this I can: (data analysis table...coming soon).

Why I Should Think I CAN...or ELSE what then...

So, I am towards the last leg of my research proposal, and still, I am boggled. Why did not I come across these books months ago!!!
I am now faced with these 2 verrry important works on Case Study research, the one by R. Stake (1995) and by R. Yin (2003). Guess what they both have in common...their first name which is Robert. Somehow these 2 Roberts found time to put in writing what CS research is all about. It makes both glad and confused at the same time.

Glad because they both have detailed everything there is to know about the basics of qualitative  case study methodology, both have unique ways of discussing about this. Confused because of course, I do not know now what to make out of my planned research proposal. I have to review my research questions, tweak it for one last time before I proceed to the add 2-3 crucial paragraphs.

These thoughts leave me to think that perhaps I should start thinking that I really CAN do this thing called PhD. Why is this so?

-In a span of 2 months and 2 weeks, I have seriously done a lot of reading and writing, and when I almost thought I could no longer go on, I went on.

-That all this time, I thought I would not be able to fix my proposal, but then I did, and still am.

-That at one point, I thought, let my IELTS score be the judge of that. But my IELTS turned out to be just enough to qualify me for 3 unives. Despite being discouraged for not getting the ideal score, it turns out, I would still want to save up for an IELTS retake, go through the process all over again, if, that is what it takes to get the score I want. It turns out, I am not discouraged at all and still here blogging away, and really having no need to retake the IELTS.

-That I think one of the reasons why I still keep at this is because I am still learning more about research and learning more about myself.  I have done all types of case studies in the past and only now that I am gaining  new ways of looking at it and finally appreciating it from an academic point of view.

-I have published works using the case study method and intend to do more in the future, hone my skills so as to guide other student-teachers in the future.

-That despite watching World War Z, and knowing the fact that we shall all die anyway, then what to make out of what I have and what I can still do in this life...


So I should think I can really give this a go. And if despite all of the above, no unive accepts me, then it only means 1 thing: I have to go for an alternate reality, which I always find anyway. Wondering about  how that alternate reality shall come to be,  keeps me wondering, keeps me going, and still keeps things suspended in midair--the uncertainty propels me to do what I can most certainly try to do today, if only to know better what lies ahead.

 

Aumm....

After 2 years of living without it, I am now struggling to get back to it. I've always wanted to but I guess now seems to be the right time. I sort of panicked for a week---thinking that I've wasted time in viewing the data samples---recorded classes of WizIQ. I thought my process was wrong only to realize that I was dealing with so much junk in my brain. Yeah, I tend to read and think too much hence get stuck with scheming, reading, rereading then doubting if I will ever be able to write in the same way.  And lately the thinking part is bordering in the worried kind of thinking and self doubt creeps in. I wanted to free myself of such useless worries in order to get back on track...I turn to yoga.

Finally I grabbed my former yoga teacher's number so the Aummm is back.

I can't believe how I've forgotten my basics  so noting these all over again, with great humility: 

-4 Sureya A

-4 Sureya B

-Forward bends--fingers grabbing toes then palms beneath feet

-Sideward bends--side bend, then triangle,  side angle bend knees bent then kneel w/ praying hands

-preps for bridge, then plough to shoulder stand

I'm guessing next session, my teacher will add a few more for encouragement:

-wide leg stretch and bends

-standing leg stretches

-sitting poses with leg stretches

Maybe a few inserts/faves later on:

-warrior pose 1& 2

-eagle

-kneeling back bends

And to think sometime at certain points in my mid-30's  I was into the yoga practice and reached points when I was into self practice. I need a class once again to get back into the groove.

As I try to recall and relearn, it's the breathing which I do my best to remember.

The breathing empties my brain so I come out with nothing up there---a brainrest to be able take in MORE later on.

I've gotten into more recordings of Dr Deutsch who recently emailed me an updated version of her bio.  This should be for inclusion in my paper as part of the exemplary teacher profile, also to add to my presentation at the conference.  The conference secretariat didn't ask for my bio, so how can I even manage to include more about Nellie. I managed to add a few sentences in my abstract submission about her. I should be able to introduce her well in my presentation, alongside the George and Namrata. 

Now, I've started reviewing  midyear 2010 recordings MORE means having these to  discuss my preliminary data about how Teaching Presence is happening at WizIQ:

• connecting with online learners-establishing rapport, setting atmosphere, harnessing interaction, sharing about one's self/ self introductions, encouragement and positive feedback,
• providing information--related to class, esl or otherwise, other online resources to learn English
• managing the virtual classroom--usage of features, troubleshooting; simultaneous use of features to share content, or give direct instruction
• use of multimedia resources--(choice reflects what of the teacher ?)
• critical language teaching moments: intentional and as result of the interaction; addressing individual student needs; explicit______ through language mediation (bridging student interactions to facilitate understanding each other); maintaining or elevating discourse---does not water down sentences or discussions; tips on learning English
•  providing for self practice and extended learning   
• metacognition--the how's or what it means to do  learning online or about learning english

A few reflections re the construct of Teaching Presence via  synchronous mode of teaching vs TP in the COI framework:

-COI framework as applied to  research in online teaching identified these elements and indicators to measure effective teaching. Data sources were mainly transcripts based on asynchronous courses. It is possible that these may not readily apply when trying to understand Teaching Presence in live synchronous classes where teaching may be partly a result of interaction and totality of teaching which one cannot observe and understand separately as  social presence, teaching presence and cognitive presence. In other words, TP is TP  Or perhaps TP is TP in another sense. 

This study then is being pursued with conscious effort not to latch on the COI framework as this was developed in the context of asynchronous classes. It only cares to mention TP of the COI because of its major following these previous years and as an initial framework to understand online teaching and research related to this.

This study is more likened to recent quali  research in understanding TP, and exemplary online teaching  which sheds light to a different way of looking at TP: works of  T Morgan 2011, A. Jezegou 2010, 

Then I still need to have a second look at  Hayes andVickers 2010, Baker 2010, Stone and Chapman 2006,  Perry and Edwards 2005, Lewis and Abdul Hammid 2006

Hmmm....

 ഓമ്മം  ಆಮ್ಮ್ಮ್ औम्म्म्म  ਔਮਮ੍ਮ  اممم   ઔમ્મ્મ  اممم 

أمم aummm



Hitting Angry Birds with One Stone of a Research

Yeah, aren't all these Angry Birds soooo cute!!! My son made his sketch of Angry Birds on his own. While he is driven and fixated with his all types of drawings, I bring myself to do the same for my research on Teaching Presence. I am now taking note of emerging themes from my observations of exemplary teachers. Thanks to Nellie, George and Namrata, plus a few hired teachers to help with the audio transcriptions, this research has more reason to go on.

For one, my questions are growing: Can 'teaching presence' be taught? Was it meant to be viewed this way? If so, what is the best way to do it for preservice online teachers? Is there some kind of teaching presence particular to synchronous live classes vs f2f? particular to each subject matter?....How is teaching presence best learned by student-teachers/would-be/ novice online teachers? Are there differences between how novice and expert F2F teachers perceive and learn about teaching presence in synchronous platforms?


Secondly, I need to remind myself why I chose to do this over other things:
-I'd like to know how to amply prepare Bachelor of Education Studies student-teachers to run synchronous classes in K-12/ Open HS;
-I'd like to see whether observing of recorded live virtual classes will influence the way they teach and if so, in what ways;
-I'd like to build on this study in order to observe online teachers of K-12 abroad and how they teach synchronously;
-I'd like to design a workshop training on how local teachers can effectively use a videoconferencing platform;
-I'd like to model good teaching practices using WizIQ to our BES/pre service teachers; and lastly,
-I'd like to get into teaching Filipino as a Second Language online via WizIQ, and do this effectively

Now as to whether I can sustain this interest and action in as much as how my son is forever into Naruto-Angry Birds-Wrestling-Manga-Anime-Megalodon-Fossil drawing+video games+cartoons, then this could really be like hitting a bit of everything in one stone of a research.

The Personal is Political....

It's one of of those sticky lines I picked up from a seminar course on Gender, Culture and Ideology while doing my Masters in Community Development at my home university.

I've always thought that my writings were personal hidden in the language of 'scholarly' research to be acceptable enough. My papers stemmed basically from that--interest in subject matter which mattered most to me: the small school I'm currently in, the previous schools I've worked with, and my classroom experiments anchored on my interests in education.

While undertaking my doctoral studies, I wrote a paper in the first person for a class under my research adviser. She cautioned against the use of 'I'. I find that troubling as most of the articles I connected with were written in first person. I wondered: howcome they can and I can't?

Towards the tailend of my doctoral coursework, I took a Quali-R methodology course with Ma'am Jean Gray, a colleague at my university of employment.  I chanced upon this article which captured what I really meant. It came from a group of women doing a collaborative auto-ethnography.....yes, there is such a thing!

Ngunjiri, F. W., Hernandez, K. C., & Chang, H. (2010). Living autoethnography: Connecting life and research [Editorial]. Journal of Research Practice, 6(1), Article E1. Retrieved [date of access], from http://jrp.icaap.org/index.php/jrp/article/view/241/186

"Research is an extension of researchers’ lives. Although most social scientists have been trained to guard against subjectivity (self-driven perspectives) and to separate self from research activities, it is an impossible task. Scholarship is inextricably connected to self--personal interest, experience, and familiarity. Working together on this special issue provided an opportunity for us to candidly reflect on and dialogue about the motivations behind our scholarship. Not surprisingly, at the very onset our dissertation studies were anchored in our personal interests. Ngunjiri (2007, 2010), a Kenyan woman, studied African women leaders; Hernandez (2005, 2006 ), a Trinidadian who lived and taught in the British Virgin Islands (BVI) prior to coming to the US, studied high school students in the BVI and the US; Chang (1992), a secondary educator, explored the culture of adolescents in a US high school. In spite of this intimate connection with our work, we followed traditional scientific paradigms in conducting and reporting our work." (p.2)

Abstract Draft 2

Making Sense of Student Support at a Distance: A Program Chair's Explorations and Self Analysis
Are my thoughts and actions facilitative of student support or spoonfeeding? Are my explorations genuinely addressing student concerns or not? How am I making sense of providing student support at a distance? In my first year as a fulltime faculty member of pioneer distance institution in the Philippines, I was given the task to manage the Associate in Arts Degree, an undergraduate program with the biggest and most diverse student population of the UP Open University. Three years after, I see the need to reflect on my practices in fulfillment of my responsibilities. This study narrates my journey into understanding my role as program chair alongside exploring varied ICT platforms in order to address student concerns. Using an autoethnographic research methodology, I shall attempt to analyze and examine my actions through a careful analysis of student queries, email correspondence, bloglike narratives, virtual community forum posts, and letters to staff and direct supervisors. In doing so, I hope to critically examine my experiences and evolving disposition in program management and contribution to student support initiatives. This qualitative study constitutes my ongoing struggles and journey as a junior faculty member in an academic organization equally determined to address student concerns at all levels. It hopes to contribute to the university's community of practice by giving voice to a program chair's struggles, evolving identity and understanding of what it truly means to support students.

Left of Center

Finally, I've heard honest feedback from Mam Jean re my EDDE 206 work.
But I wasn't even expecting to get words of advice for my theses.
Just when I was about to give up on my cause (Progressive Schools+Social Studies+ Curriculum Design/Dev't)and get into a different topic....

It seems like all the support systems are in place for me to be able to do this--
I have collegeaues who believe that this is worth it and I know I can count on them anytime for research advice. I have children who are self supporting alongside a free range mother hen such as I who seems to be up and about. I have a Teacher Vic who does more than his share of parenting and has tolerated me all this time and given me the space to be caught up in all these. I am lucky enough to afford a UP education. I have students and co teachers who are self propelling. I have a job that can allow me to do all these. There is no standing obstacle except I, MYSELF, ME=JULIET! Self doubt has been my mortal sin-mortal enemy all this time.

It took an EDDE 206+ Jean + Primo to do make me see that.

Noting down here points to remember and perhaps to live by:
-start from where you are
-get the side of my advisers
-consider their view
-let my contribution to the field be the research methodology
and theoretical frame through which I can achieve this research


In the midst of my exchanges with Jean, and overhearing Primo saying this and that, I go (trying to recall my exact words...) "bakit sa tingin mo magagawa ko yan"?
Primo goes "kase left of center ka e". How can he have captured that side of me I've taken for granted. All this time, I've never exactly did what most usually do.
I've always been a step away from the path or shall I say veered away from the common path to explore a trail that's nowhere to be found.

I am meant to be here, at this time for a reason and I've simply failed to see that God's hand has been there. And maybe if Dave were here, he would say "causes and conditions". My attachment=self doubt=self at the center of the self doubt!!!

So Aleta, just keep at it...carry on.