It's Like This 3

I now have key search terms for this new study I'm interested in doing.
At the back of my mind, I'm interested in branching away from a case study design and would like to go for: phenomenology and narrative inquiry. Or maybe to even find out whether these 3 can simultaneously happen in this new study.

New search terms:

• teacher identity
• teacher beliefs
• personal epistemology
• epistemic cognition

In other words, teachers' ways of knowing and in particular -- that of learning support teachers and learning advisors (K-20)

A bit of background:
In the process of writing my auto-ethno on my PhD journey, I have had quality exchanges with key persons engage in providing research support and learning advice from my Australian university. It made me curious about the role of the HDR-LA. There is no such thing as an LA in my university. I figured perhaps, if universities in the Philippines had more LAs, library support for researchers and working with Research Supervisors, without further delay. So how does one become an LA? How do you prepare one to become an LA? And more -  what's in the 'make-up' of an existing LA expert. How can you actually engage them to un-pack what they know and what they are learning so that they can recommend ways other teachers can learn these to.

I figured, with all the online learning that's going to happen, surely we will be needing more online learning support providers K-20. Some students will certainly fall through the cracks in HS and they will hopefully land on to university work, online ones even. So how do we prepare for them to make sure they continue to learn and succeed.

Then of course, I turn to my K-12 practice. This time taking note that for the first time, my curiosities and recent HDR experiences fuelled this interest in my new-found study.  Normally, I take the route of my teacher self and my K-12 bag of tricks to further research ideas at the higher ed.  This time, it's my higher ed research experiences which make me want to reflect on my K-12 practice and translate into a research study spanning K-20.

Recent K-12 experiences: (to mean b4 leaping into my PhD v.2.0)
1) I was Learning Coordinator at BA and really had the fortunate experience of observing teachers at work. Just so happen that these observations are within the context of teacher evaluation. BUT, it was great opportunity to 'learn' from fellow teachers and 'capture' their teaching based on their CK and PK and PCK. Teacher observations are really good ways to understand how-why teachers teach the way they teach. You see varied ways teachers engage students and it brings you to that space of understanding one's strengths and limitations as a teacher.

I've been fortunate enough to interact with the LST=Amor of BA who had all the tools and tricks to provide quality learning support to students whom I can clearly relate with when it comes to language processing and written expression.  My task then was to at least support her clear initiatives and desire to help as student in need. I needed to make sure there would be communication among key persons to identify possible student cases;  diagnostics and informal ways to assess student level; documentation of work; honest to goodness 'case conferences'.

From these exchanges with different teachers, I was able to put in words "teacher pathways of growth"-- that in fact teachers continue to evolve in their functions and roles. However,  how to provide support to this evolution was not mine to decide at that time. What I realized is that a major part of my growth as a teacher was: self-learning, on the job and while interacting with teachers and teacher-leaders. And there were clear areas I will not get into -- for example Learning Support -- as this is best handled by a teacher with more methodical ways of diagnosing, addressing and teaching those students in need.


2) As co-founder of Builders School, I was the luckier teacher handling inquiry learning projects with our schoolchildren. Luckier because I had co-teachers to ensure that explicit skills instruction. We managed to install our ILS = Integrated Literacy Support Program. Instead of the usual 'clinic-mode' model of Wordlab school, I figured that the literacy support should be integrated with the everyday things they do in their language classes and within the multi-grade setting.

While my mindspace was pre-occupied on dual language, whole-language approaches, field trips, integrating ICTs amidst co-crafting project presentations/ sharing with students, and doing classroom-based research and curriculum documentation, I was assured that my schoolchildren are still able to cover content they needed to learn and acquire skills they needed to deliver in the other subject areas. These way students can safely move up to traditional HS not only with the necessary skills but with the confidence and love for learning intact + wonderful memories of their gradeschool life to continue learning how to learn.

Within this space, I was a great witness to how students loved their read -aloud sessions with Teacher Vic; how their reading and writing lessons paid off as seen in their project work in my class; how our themes were at work not only in my project class; how students are just as committed to their artwork to express their understanding of literature. Most importantly, how our once-nonreaders have become fluent and confident children.

In other words, it's clear that my co-teachers have worked their magic! And while I do acknowledge my own magic, I've always wondered about the HOW behind their magic.

Tables have turned:
I recall that one of the first few questions I asked the HDR-LA during our F2F consultation Year 2017, while preparing for my CoC was something along the lines of: have you worked with students who may have language difficulties?

Then after a few consultations, I was able to confirm MY kind of language difficulties - in the area of written expression. While I was getting all the help needed for the thinking and writing I needed for my major research at my QLD university, I've come to realize that yes, there may be common spaces learning support teachers, special educators and LAs operate or even more, common things they bring to the table.

I guess, those were my ways of figuring out what exactly HDR-LA's do and whether he is the higher ed version of Amor and Vic. And if so, what was his background? how much of his K-12 practice gets into his current practice as HDR-LA? or if in fact that background even helps.

Teacher beliefs > teacher cognition > teacher and learning experiences

And why even? Is there something about this which can be 'transmitted' to would-be teachers? and how? or what are the basics we can integrate in pre-service courses to pre-dispose teachers to consider becoming LST and LAs? Will a background of an Education degree even help? In what ways? How can we explore informal learning spaces to learn to become one?

When the PhD changes you, what remains 1

My PhD journey meant facing up to my flawed self yet trusting even more that I do have a rightful place in higher education, the space which I aim to navigate further as a late-career researcher.  I’d rather be in this space, vacillating between comfort and uncertainty with 2^nd guessing myself at certain points. This way I work harder and put my hyper-thinking to good use.  Also, because I know myself- when things become too certain and too comfortable, I become bored and arrogant that way. Not good.

Looking back, I believe what greatly helped in this journey was taking part in the PGECR symposium where I had a small and cozy audience with whom I let that part of my narrative out in the open. The process of owning my flaws and failures have been empowering after all. 

Sometimes, I think the PGECR, Research Support Team, English Angel, HDR-LA and my Supervisors were the answers to my question: Why USQ? Why not at QUT or my U.P.?  Perhaps, I am meant to be here to see beyond my actual thesis and embrace me, and most of all learn ‘empathy’ and concrete ways to demonstrate these to future teacher-researchers in my university.  It was God’s way of telling me, my failures are all right and it will be alright…that we all had our share in our brokenness and pitfalls, and with great effort and positivity, transcend these to become better versions of ourselves. In the process, things will fall into place, as Dr Redmond had assured me time and again.

So, these remaining months of my extended study is meant for me to suck it all up – and still rely on God for all the little things and big things.  The sad part is my daydreaming moments are no longer within the comfort zone of my small school, rather with any K-12 school willing to collaborate with UPOU for that matter.  That perhaps, I am now really saying goodbye to that space for the next few years.  This also means savoring my last few months of dressing down or getting dressed up in whatever, being thankful for my workspace at home,  pause to enjoy a good window view of our trees (compared to a cluttered govt office) and in between still have time to do online chit-chats and a share a good meal with my loved ones.

Post-PhD, I only hope to work towards contributing to the valuable role of the UPOUs Faculty of Education.  Whether that means taking on more admin work because nobody else is there to take it, redefining an office’s mandate, or supervising 2 other programs while managing to teach my favorite teacher education courses.  And perhaps my full time work environment will now be 20 hours at the UPOU main campus and hopefully with a great view of our version of the UP Oblation.

This also means trying to be a Captain Marvel so that I can still get to do research I love doing.  My curiosities still remain within the teaching and learning space but now having clearer themes and terms of reference: of being and becoming, transitioning, teacher narratives and identities, lived experiences and daydreams, teacher knowledge, transplanting of ideas and research journeys. 

In a way, my daydreams have changed but still sinking my teeth in research collaborations. The here and now remains constant - that is being in touch with my best friends to listen to each other’s woes and worries for the nth time of our lives and enjoying our aging and still evolving selves getting more in touch with our real selves separate and yet linked with our beloveds.

PhD v.2.0 extended play version: Clear and present intentions

To be consistent with the extended play versions of Taylor Swift and Lorde running through my eardrums every time I write, here goes a version for my extended study to continue with reading, thinking and writing. I just surrendered to the fact that Feb 27, 2020 was an impossibility, though on record I have written the required THIS and THAT :) Yups, did it. And just said what will be will be.

The extension was much needed, upon realizing the full extent of what 'dissertation writing' means. Credits to my adviser.  I think, in the end, it could be most beneficial to lessen my stress and misery with a very tight deadline. In that state, that would mean me committing more mistakes. Though in the past, I really do work well by cramming. But then, this IS thesis of the examinable kind, a thorough one at that. We are after academic excellence and excellence has never been my goal. My prior writings were always for the sheer joy of sandplay.  I was after experimenting with types of qualitative writing I intuitively chanced upon then just got lucky.

Getting giddy awaiting approval of funding for my extended study. Without the funds, I'll cry an ocean, swipe my card then sell my car which by the way I lent to my mom and dad. So maybe, I could mortgage our property or pawn 2 rings. Hmmm, woman, have a little more faith in the Lord.

For this extended study, I am going partly for an on-campus stint.  Best to do some self-checks of my intentions so putting these here:

Academic
> get those revisions done
> work closely with a proofreader
> protected time to work on a paper for HERDSA or maybe a PGECR sympo or AAOU2020 at Sri Lanka
> quality time to join RWriting League f2f and tame my distractions
> immerse in a session with the CoP Research Supervising Team
> chance to visit THAT school recommended by Debbie and Catherine
> participate in a workshop by Ally

Social-personal
> take part in meetings/ workshops to practice my active listening skills without getting distracted by accents and high vocabs
> a chance to be with fellow women whom I wish to support and engage with (Nicky, Catherine, Lolita, Eva)
> a slight chance to visit Kat
> have Ice cream with Xin Yan & Gu
> get to see more of the best side of my Associate Supervisor LG
> fix those hardbound thesis manuscripts on a decent shelf in THAT part of the library

> take those picshots
> give my thank you gifts to my mentors

Wellbeing
> that goes without even saying

There you go.

Collaboratoire 2020: Coming home

Until the last minute, couldn’t be sure whether I could make it. Ahhh, my mind and my usual seesaw. I haven’t joined any discussion over at Basecamp for Mentors/ Facilitators of Collaboratoire 2020. Couldn't cuz quite fixated with my chapters which weren’t clean enough. There were major spots to work on. Taal volcano hasn’t quieted down. I was still tracking down my request letter for extended study. I haven’t been out to  visit my mom and dad nor sure whether I deserved to see anybody from UPOU until I got this 1 damn thing done.

But then, the commitment to join and support a friend was done many months ago. Like, sure, why not. I can handle the distraction. Whether this was going to be another Biomodd with Angelo, King and Diego, or a chance to be with Sol, I just said yes, knowing fully aware that those days would probably be crunch time.

Crunch time it was. Top priority should always be my dissertation over everything else. Then again, I have been doing exactly that for the past 2.8 years and lately feeling miserable. I love research right? Why do I feel like breaking up with it?  Like, how could I have loved you in the first place?!! While I got busy with commas and quotation marks, those APAs, I thought, why all of a sudden is my dissertation getting in the way of my learning.  I already missed my personal deadline anyways. What's another week? To hell.

I chose heaven. Being in Siargao was like an ultimate release. Will this be even worth it?

Seeing Angelo at the airport brought back memories of Biomodd. I didn’t even know a thing about gaming nor art installation back then when I tried my best to understand him and the ongoing emails of Biomodd members. My goals were purely social – to be with my colleagues and see them at their best. I thought, the learning will surely sink in.  The reward was witnessing ‘gifted teaching’ by Diego and seeing the caring side of AFDL finally unhidden. At one point I couldn’t exactly see whether the collaboration was working. I was feeling the tension at certain points. When I could no longer rely on cognition, I relied on pure labor...until I found a way to finally make Biomodd my own. Since then, the sight of roots, trees, leaves,vines, fishtanks -- the organic and nonmaterial -- all of a sudden takes me back to the sense of community we tried to build together. It still is a strangely warm feeling seeing all of them in one space once again.

Now this Collaboratoire 2020! What’s this yummy looking pauso ni Diego and the whomever he’s bringing in. I didn’t have time to google but ended up sensing people through their profiles and links to their websites. Such renaissance men and women of the 21st century kind. Wow, what an inter/transdisciplinary team we are.  I wondered what I can bring into the group.

In moments of uncertainty, I just usually bring my jolly self. Before the jolly self surfaced, I had to talk things out with Rita, a colleague who fondly labelled me as her Angel, haha.  I sorely needed her to be angelic back to me.  We talked about our struggles, both coming from harmful research advising and getting into our new universities. We had this shared feeling of questioning who we are, what went wrong and now seeing that we are almost, almost getting there.

By the time we took off, I was my smiling self. Excited to be with Sol and Bobby, fellow facilitators. Looking forward to our my sandbox play mode as usual. I thought, this week is just like going with the flow like the rest of the fellows.  I'll be living for the present with my unformatted chapters at the back of my mind.

It felt  nice to finally meet new faces, our actual fellows in the flesh. They had real hair and teeth behind their names and backgrounds on an excel sheet. I tried to recall who and why we chose whom. Just happy to be seated with them amidst the sound of the Siargao tides hitting the riprap. I did a version of active listening and sorting their grand ideas in my brain.

I paused and wondered: is this somekind of grand plan from above? Or just a Wonderboy Diego at work who seemed to know that there must be some prior connection somehow. Why did it feel like I've met each one of them once in the past?

Kate feels like a co-parent: a staunch believer of  homeschooling she is – very much into alternative education. I can imagine future projects with her.

Eric and his amusing accent still ringing in my ears: I can imagine being in his high school classroom hyper-focusing on his manner of speech cuz I'm already into his global citizenship anyways. Would love to observe his teaching presence :)

Jandy, the snowy white fairest of them all ('cuz I'm so cindered):  such passion for  teacher education when I was almost giving up on it. Got tired of teacher training at some point in my life. And so I admire his courage to keep at it.

Chao, and her vision of making things better for IP Ed: I see her going places, making a go for things outside the realm of her Grade 2 classroom. She's like a flashback to my beginnings as a teacher transitioning to community-based education work, post-Mt Pinatubo eruption and right at this time of post-Taal phreatic explosion.

While engaging with them, I was imagining the prospect of  how  their ideas can turn into actual research proposals, post-Siargao.  I was thinking perhaps she will be good with writing about the framework and rationale; she'll be great with outlining all the nitty-gritty tasks in writing, budget included; he will be efficient with describing the methodology and he will be perfect with editing the whole thing, adding thingies at the right places.  So this is how it feels like to be somekind of a mentor-facilitator= seeing promise and potential then getting surprised with outcomes as to what each and everyone will be able to deliver. Suweeet.

I saw bits of pieces of myself in them. And yet now with Bobby and Sol as higher ed professors, I'm confronted with the challenge of guiding them. Like how even, right? But my PhD journey has given me the chance to trust in myself and my intuition mostly.  Ahhh, now I remember! WE ARE TRANSFORMATIVE EDUCATION. We ALL aim for innovation...and based on our gut-feels, passion, frustrations and vision.

And then there was Sue.
So subtle. Observant and engaging. Listening.
At times I see her shut off. Letting us be for really good reasons. So much confidence in us. She sets group meet ups by consulting with us. Hardly imposing but setting things on record, smoothly enough for us to remember.

We both agreed to 'play'. And play we did. From the Arduinos + Microbits, to the fellows actual testing of 'play' amidst story-data-gathering and immersing with community folks, upto the role-playing session to help our fellows rehearse, and of course, until the actual presentation, we mentors/ facilitators played along.

And of course, there was ample time to play: me joining Diego in his self-care, movement workshop; me trying to provide inputs to our fellows' presentations, engaging in the other presentations; me trying to sense what Mihaela was trying to do with her group. I was secretly listening and watching Klara do her thing with the fellows moving around and about the whole space.  One time, I was trying to observe Pieter's camera parts, like wowh.  Then of course, seeing whether I can breathe in Mona's energy then found myself worried over Anna disappearing from my sight as she went on snorkelling. 

Amidst all those, I really got more done, and this time, quite gladly = finished formatting at least 4 out of 8 chapters, and did 2 online meetings/ consultations for my chapters. Then came our finale with fellow Transformatives doing this wave movement and caught on cam...just sheer fun which others took seriously, so we did, too in the end. Pat on the shoulder for me cuz I was utterly focused for 10 straight minutes!

Collab 2020 was also sweeter catch up time with Sol and Bobby to talk about how we were all doing with our research projects. It was such a relief to get a feel of our shared stories of our doctoral lives. All this time I thought I was alone in my quest to make good.  We were all in the same boat of wanting to hurdle this PhD so we can all be together again at UPOU.

Then of course, a first time for me to take in Ria and Joyce = such youth and such intellect. Yeah, I can grow old with them, too.  It's great to see how these women got it sooo right at the onset. That's me being relaxed in the idea of retiring some day knowing that these very capable colleagues are doing the right thing. And of course, the constant teasing of future Dean AFDL to downplay and ward off the idea of a future Dean JRV. Got some quality time with near-future Dean JS.  That was a steady flow of ideas on schooling coming out of me to help her try things out differently in her school.

As we bid goodbye, I realized that was how I wanted Collab 2020 to end...with a bit of uncertainty.  For now,  I've filled my cup with these moments of being surrounded by my colleagues and fellows -- the feeling that we are all in this together, UPOU through thick and thin. It is kinda scary, this pending responsibility of institutional growth/ evolution. Don't want to think beyond what's here and now.

Ah so much drama, Aleta. But ‘tis true. When nothing in this world seems to be sustainable enough, peaceful enough, compassionate enough, what remains is the human experience – to think, to feel, to connect, to dream, to share. That should be enough right? For the time being, at least?

As for big dreams, unpopular ones, unlikely ones, it'll just fall in place at the right time. Cuz beyond the human  experience is the human spirit that will keep on moving as long as goals are noble and true.

This was Collab 2020@Siargao, and this IS me coming home after all.

PhD v.2.0: Feels like Postpartum

Why do I feel like this thing called PhD is an American, white man's journey, with APA the 6th as the ultimate Uncle Sam = U.S. domination/ oppression of the research kind.

There's a blog out there on 'common mistakes students have'. So if it's 'common mistakes', then PhD is not for the 'commoner-mistaker'. Or if the mistakes have been there for the length of time to be common enough, have they ever tried a one-time common solution to the problem by making APA friendlier to commoners. For example, why have a normal font for the Table label and an italicized Table caption vs an italicized Figure label and normal font for the Figure caption. I don't get that!

Or why the fuss of whether the period comes first before the closing quotation mark or after if it ends in a sentence. Why even compare the American way vs the British way in a blog just to prove that APA is the American way we must all abide with. Why is there no Australian way to question the fellow-white way of doing this and make referencing and formatting be chiller than usual, as Australians are the chillest bunch?

Ahhh, I forget, my PhD is in the English-IELTS language so I just need to follow the inventors of English. And btw, there are different kinds of Englishes, too. So my spell check goes behaviour vs behavior, analyze vs analyse. How lovely! And such well spent time to do all those vs fixing my cabinet that's falling apart, or buying the right set of curtains to protect me and my asthmatic-rhinitic family from the ash or other particles coming through the window.

Before this turning-into-a-cynic mode, was the cycle of pain which has now turned to what I perfectly label as Postpartum. I was literally a b**** from January 13-25 and at home who gave birth to all my reworked but still messy chapters and not wanting to be with others nor wanting to go around. I've ignored messages from my mom and dad amidst all the cleaning up. I was saving my last week of January to fulfill a promise to be at Collaboratiore 2020. I tried to regulate the angst by joining the Research Writing League and setting consultation time with HDR-LA so I can sense that I am actually getting things done because I AM getting things done.

While getting things done, I got irritated with the sound of the ff:
- Java's nails scratching the floor while he moves to and fro
- Vic's slippers and the pots and pans when I'm finally in that zone of formatting
- the neighbor's dog barking
- the ongoing pinging sound of the neighbor's phone and Mauro's phone - they are obviously chatting

If there was a pencil to table tapping student around, I'd literally yell cuz I am not a nice K-12 teacher these days. I've been pregnant with this research project for 2.8 years. That's like being constipated for that long and now finally everything's out and I don't feel like looking beautiful all of a sudden. May I just be all sorts of emoticons :), and a cartwheeling one soon, I hope.

And so I drown with Lorde. She's my great company these days. Some day, I will raise my glass and will not get done saying this: You Transformatives, along with my top-fave colleagues snapped me out of my post-partum, like YEAH! Surf we shall, Collaboratoire 2021/2.

And yeah, I have to hand it out to the coolest Englishwoman I've met, who by the way started surfing at the age of 50. It makes APA the 6th feel like a breeze.

Ahaaaay. This is me saying, that my Postpartum was best spent at home, in the Philippines, with my full grown mammals understanding me. And that Collaboratoire 2020 was reward worth claiming (having skipped 2 major holiday get togethers).

While the Transformatives will be making their research proposals happen, I'll be breastfeeding my chapters. My adviser says it's still going to be months of fixing and fixing.  In the meantime..."when people are talking...people are talking....get still":

Happy birthday Java, Happy birthday Teacher Vic, Happy birthday fool's draft!

Zoom 332057716 in My Mind

Pre-Zoom Moments in Time

Been getting all sorts of help from Batman for quite sometime.

Like Yr 1, I got feedback on my RRL. The feedback/ comments came across as cautious - quite polite. Very helpful. Very unlike other experiences of getting feedback or having no feedback at all.

Yr 2 - an 'impression type' of feedback on a new section of my RRL on Blended Learning which resulted to a concise paper presentation at ICODEL 2018.

Then came Yr 3

What came were actual notes on my creative work as I was widowing the how-to's of an auto-ethnography. Got some APA-Grammar guru galore corrections. Niiice. Of course, that left me so glad for the auto-ethno happening through an actual sharing at the PGECR symposium and that instant #31 on the menu as a freebie.  I had to put on hold completing the whole paper to remind myself that my dissertation writing is the TOP priority.

A great part of the 1-1 consultation experience is that I now have an artifact of an actual handwritten set of comments and tips on my written expression as an HDR learner me.  That's my antennae responding to my need2learn-how2mentor future research advisees. The comments let me see the bigger picture while the nitty gritty corrections looked like decorations on my white sheets of paper.

Sandwiched in between months of being on-campus was time well spent with English Angel. She went very gently and carefully through my presentation of Findings. She reiterated that writing requires deep thought - and she showed me how to look at my own work then explained her comments. Smooooth.

Topic sentence...support with details...give examples.

That's like my husband's grade three lesson on main ideas and supporting details. 

Then there's more:

String the phrases/terms to sustain the reader's attention.                                    

Handhold your reader through your work.

Got some good stuff done :)

Back2DrD

Now came the iLibCalendar. Let me just get those slots!

In return, were kind & encouraging words about the whole process of doing a PhD.   Perhaps it was to cushion what else  was there to come. A bunch of pressing questions. I'm getting repeated reminders to be explicit with my thesis arguments, and tougher questions to make me think beyond my chapter Discussion. This is to make sure I hit those WIIFM = so what's in it for me.  That felt like an 'Oh my, did I even learn anything!!!' Perhaps I was but there's too much writing to do for me to even stop & notice. Movin' on.

The rewriting of my discussion sections were brain demanding. So the writing was an act of decluttering before the holidays to give space to rethink and rewrite.

Tried those links to Learning Object Repository. There were 2 videos: one on Writing Arguments and another on Original and Significant Contribution. Tried to do those on my own. But...hmmm, the big BUT...I can't get my linear thinking to work. I  beat my brain cuz I find it hard to think with graphic organizers or box-type tables to enumerate: Main Idea 1...Supporting idea 1.1....1.2. ahhhgain.

A part of me was wanting of an actual demo of how-to-actually-do-that graphic organizer but in reverse. Can somebody just extract it from my thoughts and currently muddled written expression and then show me how to actually rearrange it, delete it or whatever it takes to clean it up! My brain is a mess. But hey, just kept at it.

What I did was work on a different table to thresh out my significant contributions. Did 60 percent of those.  At least I found a way to do my Chapter 8 = Conclusion.  For the other rewrites, I switched back to my usual winding road of writing, rewriting, chopping, moving, rewriting, trimming.

One time, I remembered printing my written work. Cut them up to resort it so I ended with this strip getting to this paragraph/ section and that strip getting into another paragraph. Just like how it was like helping  a few grade schoolers sort out their story parts back in the days when I was doing writer's workshop with  Grade 2 -3 children. And those sentence strip sorting/ comprehension activity to help LD kids make sense of story events.  So I guess this is me, helping me.

Then came Zoom near-end of Year 3 

I say Oh-EM-GEEE. It was like a daydream unfolding and somekind of flashback ala cassette tape recorder.

> A flashback

Me doing my research on Teaching Presence (TP) of live synchronous ESL classes of the best teacher at WizIQ. I reviewed and analyzed transcribed recordings of  Dr. Nellie Deutsch @work, all the way from Canada and online with ESL students from different parts of the world.

> A daydream

I was wondering whether I can record the scheduled Zoom session so I can remember what I needed to do for that section of my Chapter 8. But my daydream led to a set of questions and a drop-down list of teachers I can study on TP, but this time on learning support, the academic writing kind. Imagine that: from Teacher Tin of the Integrated Literacy Support  (ILS) program of Builders, to Amor and Victor, learning support teachers of the Beacon Academy then to higher ed  QLD university Research Support Team, mainly Dr AT the LA & Dr D the HDR-LA.

Wooops. That had to STOP. Back to dissertation writing.

Done with a few chapter clean-ups. So now let me be.

>The OMG

I forgot to request to record the session. I crammed my work for Dr D's review, hadn't had breakfast and just had to turn on my PC from my daughter's work table cuz living room was getting too 'ashy' from the Taal Volcano's phreatic eruption. Ashfall baga = Alert Level 4.

Here goes...

- I'm seeing a page of my work with a  portion ready for comment. so thanks for the screenshare feature

-  the cursor moves up and down -  as if checking for consistencies from my chapter overview and that section

-  the first feedback is now taking me through my own written words...first few ideas in my paragraph then midway then last -- as if checking for the flow of thoughts and ideas, and whether my words capture those and deliver a coherent message

-then comes the routine of   good points.  here comes the segue...points which need more thought.  that's the formula for all teachers esp. among K-12s.  but wait, there's more...

-he focuses on points to work on and HOW 

-he is getting beyond  my stringing of words and gets inside  MY ACTUAL THOUGHTS = a seesaw of ideas, he goes. I smile at myself because of the play of words and because I got caught in action (omyged, I do that seesaw, and still at this time,...I vacillate, hesitate...can't be doing that on Chapter 8, right? I have to be surer than sure)

- then comes explicit instructions: possible solutions in 3 ways - MUST think and choose in other words.

- then it gets invasive - like yeah, go for it. The moment I've been waiting for!!!

I use invasive in a very good way because since November, I'm feeling like a doctor doing surgery on my own writing. That was how I described my dissertation writing to Dr. L of LBlock.

It's getting bloody, the blood is spurting ala Kill Bill, not from an enemy's neck, but from my work onto my pair of googles. CAN SOMEONE ELSE JUST TAKE OVER.

...Someone does, again and again. Whether it was for my Endnotes, my APA, my grammar, my LimeSurvey, my graphs, my concerns, my questions. Walang puknat, walang tigil.

The help feels like a bottomless pit, and this time, while seeing my work flashed on the screen, I see a small step forward -  I am actually seeing somekind of flow and good closing sentences with my paragraphs which go with comments = Good = gudt.

Post-Zoom Thoughts

The Zoom experience was quite different from the other consultations.

• must be the aid of technology -videoconferencing tool which makes the experience a bit more multisensorial (minus the olfactory); or
• could be the timing of explicit skills instruction unfolding before my eyes
• triggering thoughts on Iteration 2 of a teaching presence study, academic writing support kind but thinking of a different methodology this time.

In my mind, I'm trying to 'profile' what could be common among these 'gifted teachers':  their backgrounds, their givens, their values and mindsets which they bring to the table, their metacognitive awareness,  how they've managed to self-learn and how knowledge or expertise are passed on/ imbibed by fellow teachers.

Let these gifted teachers do what they do best then have their auto-narrative while I do mine = Part 3.  This can be based on actual experiences of being mentored = the what and how I'm learning how to mentor my future students' academic writing that is if in fact all the advises and feedback are translating to concrete improvements in my academic writing.

> A fastforward
From Prof V to Doc J = me THIS 2020, not as an Ethyl Alcohol branded product on a grocery shelf, but as a research supervisor to a former student with a Hollywood sounding screen name =  Angel America who is now re-entering under my open university's MA Social Studies Education program. I wonder what stuff I'll be able to deliver, using my own bag of tricks, a more positive mindset and thingies I've picked up from here and there at my Australian university.

Now we'll see whether I truly gained something more worthwhile from my educational experiences at my Australian university.

                       

Look2God

This is my record of all-time low.

Just to be clear, I'm not depressed. And if so, I've learned to just give myself a day and I'll be ok.
I have strategy to deal with it.

I think the toughest still is dealing with self-anger. So this week has been my all time low for the following. Let me count thy ways:

Dec 27 -  I forgot my bag of files and charger so I couldn't do what I set myself to do on that day
                while I was my fam, celebrating my brother's wedding annive

Dec 29 -  My MacBook acted weirdly -  black screen, not really of death cuz the keyboards lit up.
               Then, I reset, restart, the screen lits up then it goes black again.


Dec 30 -  Just had to get  a new laptop. That's like savings meant for something else, now spent on
                something else. Arggggh.

Jan 2 -   I could not find a way to repair template of my DoIs at Endnote. The library was not able to                 offer a concrete solution then.

Jan 3 -   I was being advised to consider an application for extension as Plan B.

Jan 4 -  Grrrr. This chapter is taking too long to get done. And Grrrr more for swallowing my pride to get that app for extension done.


Upon reading my list above, I get angry at myself more. So many other things to feel for in life.
I don't have a dying family member, nor terminal cancer. I'm not in the midst of Syrians, Lebanese, Iranians and Iraqi's mourning the death of a leader. I'm well fed and well loved. I'm not even stuck in Manila traffic so WATDAHELL Aleta.

Please, please, uber-please, count your blessings, think of people who can help, hold on to happy memories and look up, look to God. Don't ever, ever forget him.

And btw, YOU GOT THIS:

Jan 6 -  A solution to EndNote DoI's

Chapter 1 Check

Chapter 3 Check

Chapter 4 BL Check - insert BL survey SUNDAY

Chapter 5 TP Check

Chapter 6 SP - Check -

Chapter 7 CP - Check insert Proposed Changes


TO follow

Chap 2  BY SUNDAY
Chap 8  BY MONDAY

FULL DRAFT BY TUESDAY - but oops, my Endnotes still need a whole lot of fixing

Please please be thankful for that. :) and remember people who have helped you and will continue to do so. Communicate!

Lastly, CHICKENJOY :) and ColLaboratiore 2020.

'Cycle of Pain'

I was watching the video on Writing Arguments where the speaker 'talked too much' about the following but in a good, well-meaning way:
>thinking through arguments
> the difficulties involved in communicating ideas in writing as HDR students
>main ideas and supporting ideas
>tools for brainstorming and thinking through
>coherent paragraph writing
>SEEL
>gently guiding the reader through your ideas

I'd say 'talked too much' because now I remember viewing this initially while I was doing my findings chapter but stopped short cuz I was getting distracted by his accent amidst the talk. While listening again, I couldn't help but mimick his pronunciation of:
actual - akchuwal
argument - aahgyumint
issue - issshoo
structure - strukchuh
literature - litrachuh
making - maykin
supporting - supohwting

Yups, I get distracted by accents and vocabs most especially during PGECR mtgs.  Imagine what else happens to my brain when Dr PD spills out his high vocabulary every now and then. And he does it oh so naturally, leaving me with a big question mark on my forehead. I caught lovely-looking Hanna having the same experience so I just had to blurt: "What was the word again....?"

Moving forward, I picked up a line from Dr D which all the more resonated (aha, got to finally use that word in context...again, re(heh)sonated) >> PhD = Cycle of Pain. What a way to label your dissertation writing but then you see, that is just sooo true.

I've been through my share of pains in life and this PhD is something else.

My pains are not that much when it comes to relationships.  In fact, I chose to get that part settled once and for all so I can get on with my life.  My bigger pains have always been job related - the fact that you invest your heart and mind to be part of a school community through thick and thin. You work your butt off to achieve shared goals then you realise later on that because your perspectives change or your ideas are seemingly different and no longer fit so the painful choice of uprooting yourself. You cut ties because you have outgrown their process & and you have to confront your new questions, new daydreams and the uncertainty of whether you can make those work in a new environment. So you move on,  take a chance all over again knowing that there is a slight chance of 'hope and happening'. You simply rely on your dreams to keep you going and hope that these dreams are shared by most in your new found organisation. The challenge of problem solving keeps you going, you build new ties with the realisation that your collective imagined thingies will work.  You just don't give up despite foreseen pains cuz there is just too much work which needs to get done.

Then of course the pain of childbirth.  In one big push, the pain  disappears in your memory as you rely on the drugs to help you forget the initial pain.  Science says our bodies heal so it does.  Then you see your lovely offsprings grow up to have a go at life, and share in their joys and pains. The pain of childbirth is forgettable in other words because of the joy your loved ones bring and because you have more things to look forward to together.

Now this thing about the cycle of pain known as PhD...the thing is, the pain is a self-inflicted kind of pain in the brain and chest. It was a life choice between:
> adopting a child (which involves other people's lives I wasn't prepared to bother) or
> staying as a teacher, program coordinator in my small school
(which btw, is no longer a relevant job as the program is up & running) or
> getting out of the academe and settling for a high-paying job in some international school.
> sticking to my daydream + noble goals of professor-dom, a way to teach teachers in an organization with people I can grow old with, hence the PhD

I chose this pain because it still feels like a good fit.
I got other ideas to push for at UPOU, and being at UPOU is still very much worth my time.

The cycle of pain is 2x and the work triple in magnitude for the kind of learner I am. This Phd v.2.0 (in suspense) does not merely mean hitting it off with a new-found adviser to bounce your  research ideas with. The true test is whether your ideas are valid and worthy to be accepted as knowledge further qualified as a significant contribution to the discipline, the field, the practice, existing knowledge which have been mined by people's brains before my brain came along.

And so there goes the pain of trying to think with coherence,
to see clarity in the mess of my writing,
the pain of finding out that your sentences do not seem to make sense to others,
the pain of finding ways to think when you can't think
cuz pfffeelings get in the way,
the pain of realising that the thinking and writing required of this PhD runs against what ADHD's are so great at doing -
selective memory, perseveration, lack of executive functions, distractibility, impulsivity.

But then, the pain of dwelling in this pain is making me sick.
Sooo sick of it. I only have 75 days left.
Let me just juxtapose this with my 'cycle of joy' to be consistent with mood-swinging.

So what are my joys in this dissertation phase itself -
JOY =

- seeing that findings are mostly done
- I have actual chapter drafts
- I got check marks on my sheets
- cleaned up varied but minor messy sections
- I have my chapter intros
- I am relearning something old and learning something new
- I can still afford to understand a few more readings to fit into my RRL
- the challenge of putting down in writing my 'aahgyumints'
- seeing  grace coming from Amor and Victor, the best K-12 learning support teachers I know, moving in full circle and benefitting me = recipient of the best academic writing support there is at USQ
- I have my daydreams intact so when I get angry at me, I turn to
   future work plans post-PhD
- knowing that there are real, honest to goodness people you can rely on for help

In this cycle of joy and pain, I pay homage to Guillermo Tolentino's Oblation, the silent witness to the immense pain of it ALL and the great coper that I am who managed to jog-sprint UP Diliman's oval on several occasions. I couldn't bear for my children to see me cry endlessly, so instead, I spent more time at work (and research), and finished off with a routine of running. From the UP Theatre, I'd do a sprint to reach Oble, to see his open arms, palms upturned towards the sky = surrender/ deliverance/ offering/ freedom.

I have pulled myself out of that cycle of depression = cycle of immense pain.

So, note2self:
Remember who you are and be kinder to yourself.
You CAN and you will have your life back.
You are loved by God from up above and so this cycle of pain
is meant to keep you stronger for the greatest pain there is to confront
as you move closer to death = your 2nd life.

You will come back to this cycle of pain over and over again, but in a different context and will find new meaning in it.

Ahhhmen to that.

Quilt + Coffee + Tuna Pesto Pizza = Lots of A-heart-A

One day this week was about ‘when all the roads that lead to them are winding, when all the lights that light the path are blinding' = just like staring at my computer for more than 30mins, and nothing coming out of my brain, and so ME cry like toddler....a toddler who is done with her sandplay and failing to appreciate what she has made, questioning whether what she has done so for will be good enough, then asking again why she ever chose to be in this sandbox when she was quite happy & safe in her classroom.

I almost gave up on me that Friday while awaiting feedback for my Chap 4. Been imagining my weekend at BNE for days as a well deserved reward for my chapter writing. And also bec I've been postponing it for the nth time.  But I marked it on my calendar Nov 30  = 

>Difficult Methodologies - thinking of future writing, people’s narratives I'd like to capture post-PhD 

>  imagining hitching a ride with Dr Bromdal and listening to her story 

>  imagining cozy time with Alex and Ana, my first AirBnb hosts whom I’ve come to ‘heart’, especially their Dante the Foxteria.

> a museum tour former yoga teacher

I was slowly losing sight of spending a great weekend as I was on the verge of choosing chapter writing over spending time with people I care about.  

I  thought of cancelling my meeting with Dr D. And just head home and cry myself to sleep. But I sorely needed that meeting to help me ascertain next steps in my other chapters. Can’t be crying in front of him with some mucus ballooning out of my nose, eyebags bulging and all!!! So I said woman, get your act together. Imagine a 50yr.old-toddler-in-distress? My goodness, have a bit of female pride. No can do!

I re-read my RR's vibe then. I quickly watched a Swiftie video. Thought of choosing a song I could play at  Spotify.  Oasis Wonderwall just came out of the blue. It's a song which my student had in mind one time we had dessert at Sweet Inspirations. Never really paid attention to song meanings that time. Quite fitting  for this moment. Found the piano violin version and whhhallla!

Chap 7 reworking came to be.

What this distracted mind could muster to do in an hour’s time, enabled by technology at that! Flashback:

> cry > vibe-RR > music video > spotify > websearch for song lyrics meaning > back2Spotify search for an acoustic version > back2writing :)

Sustained the writing quite a bit to polish Findings section of Chap 7.

Whewww!  A truly deserved weekend. Thanking Netta in my mind and most of all A & A.  Nice talking to you over coffee, nicer playing with your Dante,  so nicer having your handmade pizza  (it went straight to my heart), much nicer sleeping under that 1st ever AirBnb quilt at your Newtown home & laughing at Will Ferrel the Elf,  much more nicer waking up to a perfect morning view,  and nicest having blueberry + banana pancakes which reminded me of my beloveds back home. Precious moments...

This should fuel me for my last few writing days at USQ Toowoomba.

It will get stressful by the day. Like thanks for the reminder Batman, haha.  But I'll hold on to these happy memories with A-heart-A. I WILL GET THIS DONE.

Night B4 the 15th

...was the night I lay in bed and for the 2nd time this year shed silent tears for this thing called PhD.
Really just tired and hangrrry.  Had nothing to do with my emo-crying moments of auto-ethno writing. In fact the act of writing my auto-ethno and presenting it was a good distraction to a bit of self-denial I'm going through. Ok, I am ready to admit that now I'm in what I can only term as a 'writing rut'.

I have with me feedback from my advisers on chapters I worked soooo hard on. While awaiting feedback and going home for a brief 2-week famtime, I learned more about auto-ethno. Back at Toowoomba, I spent 2 straight weeks to put together Chapters 4, 5, 6, and 7. Met my deadline.
Now, I am confronted with feedback for each chapter. Generally these are the stuff I know I HAVE TO handle soon:

a) moving portions from my discussion to conclusion chapters
b) adding a few statements to explain the graphs/ figures
c) moving portions from discussion to findings
d) answer the research questions

Item d) is the problematic one. I tried 3x this week to write it out, but it feels like I am just going in circles and actually faking it. Faking it because as far as I see it, the discussion portion for each chapter was framed to respond to the research sub-questions. My adviser said it hasn't been answered yet. So I highlighted the portions which to me are my answers to the R-questions. Then of course, I did not stop there. I tried to reword selected statements. The process was strumming my angst. Yes, it's this way during crunch time of paper writing in the past.  I'd drive myself to the ground to get things done and I end up just getting angrier than angry.

But wait, there's more.

This time around, I nipped anger level 2 in the bud.  I said to myself I will dedicate 1 day NOT to push myself to write, and instead, take my time in finalizing my slides. Just one thing for the day. So lahdida, I tested my slides at Room 414. Aha, this is going to work!  Continued on until 4pm, added more pics.

THEN overthinking Aleta kicked in. She checked here slides and found that the ppt was too heavy to send online. Overdoing Aleta did some repairs, went beyond 6pm. By this time, she's orehhhdi tired and hangry. PhD candidate Aleta said, STOP. Tomorrow will be fine. You don't have a track record of fugly presentations.

Whew!  The 15th turned out great. My PhD Journey is now considered as Spoken, in Aleta's kind of English, in Aleta's voice, with a willing, trusted audience.

Lessons learned:
- When angry, stop, get other things done.
- Overthinking = obssessing = really a waste of time.
  May as well spend this time enjoying people around you.
- Remember your record of successes -
- Be kinder to yourself.

...and because you relaxed before your presentation, you met a woman named Catherine.
Something about her, hmmm.  Looking forward to Fitzy's or wherever.

PS This is a good time to remember my housemate = Eva, thank you for just being around and seeing me THAT way. And for trying to make me feel better. Ang sarap sarap talaga ng Roo-ala Bistek Tagalog-with onion galore =ubod nang rami ng sibuyas version mo.  I look forward to the day when we can share 1 cigarette, from 1 Marlboro box of menthol we can both afford, or better yet, a freebie from your beloved.

Acknowledgements v.2.0

I'm getting grumpy and hangrrry. I want to sleep on my King sized bed with Vic and Java beside me. I want rice and chicken inasal.
NOT possible at this time!!!

So, let's do this na = a small but important portion of my dissertation
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This research project is my renewal of vows to the Philippines.
At the most testing time when almost everyone in my FB are either hurting, hopeless or angry, I dug deep to find the reasons for getting into Education in the first place. I believed in it then during Ninoy Aquino's assassination, and I still believe in it now.  Education is still a great weapon against underdevelopment, indifference and hopelessness. 

This journey to educate myself further has  brought me humility, gratitude and rekindled faith in the goodness of people and the love of God. I truly appreciate the greater minds out there who have widened my perspectives, mentored me through qualitative research, listened and challenged me through my academic writing. Through your time and efforts, I have regained trust in myself in order to tread on the last leg of my career as educator-researcher, daydreamer-magic bean-buyer. I'm in this for the long haul.

This research was made possible through the support, resources, inspiration and unselfish knowledge of the following: 

Doctors, amazing and gifted: Dr Arnon Rivera, Dr Teret de Villa, Dr Nemah Hermosa, Dr Lex Librero, Dr Virgilio Manzano, Dr Angelito Manalili, Dr Pat Arinto, Dr Primo Garcia, Dr David Jones, Dr Patrick Danaher, Dr Rachel King, Dr Sophia Imran, Dr Barbara Harmes, Dr Douglas Eacersall, Dr Linda Galligan,  Dr Petrea Redmond and the PGECR group of Doctors and Doctors-to-be - your time and talents are truly appreciated;

Universities and their people: the Research Support Team of USQ,  the University of the Philippines-System, particularly the Office of the Vice President of Academic Affairs and the University of the Philippines Open University - your time and efforts are greatly appreciated.  I shall pay it forward to our studentry.

Teachers, parents, students, school leaders and staff of the Marikina City schools and The  Builders’ School: you have held on through thick and thin for the sake of innovative and progressive education in the Philippines. Press on!

Earl and Nicky and the rest of the Pantillano family: you are my home away from home. There is nothing like our sisterly-brotherly bond in the name of Sigma Delta Phi and Upsilon Sigma Phi.

Rivera, Lazo and Villanueva Clan: my utmost thanks for keeping the love alive over our FB Bonfire and Viber.

Truest friends who go by the name of Rachel, Atel, Queenie, Sol, Nefer, Kat, Diego, and Al-Francis: you have kept in touch with my hyper thoughts and feelings. Please hang in there to keep my heart and mind in place.

Espada and Inocentes family, Anna and Alex: you have kept me warm, well-fed and safe at Queensland. Health and happiness to all of you.

To the couple Julieta '57 and Manuel '57: you still are the sweet and spice of my life. Your love has conquered all. 

U.P. Oblation by Guillermo Tolentino: you have been a silent witness to all my running rage and moments of peace. I lay at your feet compassion and academic excellence. 

Taylor Swift, Dua Lipa, Lorde,  Ennio Maricone, Sting, The Cure,  CMBYN soundtrack, Oasis, Batman, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Villette, East of Eden, The Literary Apprentice, L422 and G422.10: such great company you are all throughout my writing.

And most of all, to the worshipable Teacher Vic, Miranda and Mauro,  you truly are God's likeness here on Earth. Your love is the greatest of all.