Let's just say in my employment record, the last 2 years was the toughest job I have ever had and yet howcome letting go was easier than I thought it woud.
Id say 'toughest' by far because I find the process of 'changing culture' the most challenging to do. It calls one to define one's standards of work and ways of working, or even question it and search for somekind of middle ground. It makes you look at the half filled glass and see for yourself what one can settle with or even settle without. And yet interestingly, it gives you a sense of safety in the knowledge and comfort of your own limitations. A recognition of one's limitation hence pushes you towards contentment with what you are actually able to do and contribute and that others will surely do a better job at it. Therefore moving on means moving forward. And at this age, one is no longer hell bent on seeking validation for one's efforts because the validation always comes later on after, and in a different form altogether.
The faculty is in a much better space. I was a witness to finally see how the right people are finally occupying the right spaces. With that comes the joy of looking back at my own work experiences and how Ive made uncertain spaces right for me. Knowing that when all seems a bit right or a bit better or will be, signals you to go ahead and risk yourself in exploring unfamiliar spaces.
Then with this looking back, comes remembering people who have helped you deal with uncertainties, and moreso, people who inspire you to do better. This 2 year stint when I tried to apply the extent of what I already know (creatively) when it comes to running a school or monitoring a program is a good initiation to what I thought was a glitch but what I can now actually label as mainstream culture pervading most local schools --the culture of silence, the culture of crabs, the culture of passive aggressive communication, the culture of lack of collaboration. They say it is a Filipino trait while I insist on saying it ain't because I have been in school cultures where I was fortunate to experience quite the opposite. So that was like....ahhh ok. That only means, in the end, the choice is still mine.
The question is, have I contributed to the propagation of the mainstream culture or have I tried to illustrate an alternate culture. I would like to think I tried to contribute to the latter but in the end found it is easy to give up on it knowing that it is no longer my task and that my co-leads are in fact the right people who are better off continuing what they already are doing in the first place. And that if it will just take defining the roles others can take on sooner as add-on roles, then this is looking at second liners to occupy the front lines a few years from now. That was the neatest part of the job, btw.
Being an expensive redundancy to the process can now be an obstacle to my own growth and learning. Settling for the comfort of being expensive has never been a way to go for me especially after running a school and knowing the value of maximizing resources. Now that was the easiest to see.
Now going back to my greatest learning and realizations:
1) Kindness
It would not hurt to be kind. It is in the knowledge of one's kindness that one can go ahead and justify being a bitch if you have to cuz you tried to be kind in the first place...only because you cannot settle for anything substandard. That I am capable of playing my B side in one context and my K side in another was quite splitting only to see that I can reconcile and live with it.
And since few ones are now fine with using the B side, I need not play that role any longer.
Then recently I practised kindness recently with one parent in my small school. I hope the fruits of that will grow this year. Thanks to MR and ME=meron pala akong matututunan sa mga Atenista..hehe.
Now the limits to my K side and B side is worth testing as I go back to UPOU.
2) Sense of others
I am not alone in my efforts and never was. I am one fortunate co-academic lead to have worked closely with fellows (AA & CF). And to acknowledge from the start that coords from another dept (JL, VN & RE) are just as much as co-leads in my dept. There have been reliable folks in school who just need that space for affirmation. Or that I have always found ways to seek support from a mere exchange of fresh ideas with SL and ZG... or the mature presence of Is=PI + NI who surprisingly come from a mainstream school culture but have managed to keep themselves open-minded.
3) Humility
I am truly better off in a space where I know little than in a space where I know more because it reminds of humility--just to temper that UP arrogance in me.
And so, I will forever be grateful to MPL, who as DoF, has forever been consistent to who she was way back. And knowing how human she can truly be (funny and crazy) like the rest of us.
4) Forgiveness
Yeah, this. That in the effort of doing my job, I made my own mistakes. And before I can even ask for forgiveness, I need to forgive myself first. I am good with that already--imagine all the casualties Ive had as AA Program Chair and living with the knowledge of casualties because my graduates and all efforts going into that outweigh the casualties. So forgiveness of this kind was easy.
But the forgiveness of another kind, when the other party misjudged you in someway and no apologies are coming your way, iiiiis tough! Then logic and empathy in me kicked in: I did it by looking at the case/s and seeing I have no baggage to carry so what if I carry that a little for someone who just had too much of it in life, pain included. And seeing that while I did share common views with former leads, I am just one person with a happier/ successful experiences in the area of 'learning', 'trying' or 'experimenting' and therefore was fortunate enough to be loved and will always see the good in my experiences (or rather too ADHD to settle with unnecessary pain). This part I love best and to the core! There is triumph in forgiveness after all.
Now I can say, THAT WAS EASY. Moving on...
Id say 'toughest' by far because I find the process of 'changing culture' the most challenging to do. It calls one to define one's standards of work and ways of working, or even question it and search for somekind of middle ground. It makes you look at the half filled glass and see for yourself what one can settle with or even settle without. And yet interestingly, it gives you a sense of safety in the knowledge and comfort of your own limitations. A recognition of one's limitation hence pushes you towards contentment with what you are actually able to do and contribute and that others will surely do a better job at it. Therefore moving on means moving forward. And at this age, one is no longer hell bent on seeking validation for one's efforts because the validation always comes later on after, and in a different form altogether.
The faculty is in a much better space. I was a witness to finally see how the right people are finally occupying the right spaces. With that comes the joy of looking back at my own work experiences and how Ive made uncertain spaces right for me. Knowing that when all seems a bit right or a bit better or will be, signals you to go ahead and risk yourself in exploring unfamiliar spaces.
Then with this looking back, comes remembering people who have helped you deal with uncertainties, and moreso, people who inspire you to do better. This 2 year stint when I tried to apply the extent of what I already know (creatively) when it comes to running a school or monitoring a program is a good initiation to what I thought was a glitch but what I can now actually label as mainstream culture pervading most local schools --the culture of silence, the culture of crabs, the culture of passive aggressive communication, the culture of lack of collaboration. They say it is a Filipino trait while I insist on saying it ain't because I have been in school cultures where I was fortunate to experience quite the opposite. So that was like....ahhh ok. That only means, in the end, the choice is still mine.
The question is, have I contributed to the propagation of the mainstream culture or have I tried to illustrate an alternate culture. I would like to think I tried to contribute to the latter but in the end found it is easy to give up on it knowing that it is no longer my task and that my co-leads are in fact the right people who are better off continuing what they already are doing in the first place. And that if it will just take defining the roles others can take on sooner as add-on roles, then this is looking at second liners to occupy the front lines a few years from now. That was the neatest part of the job, btw.
Being an expensive redundancy to the process can now be an obstacle to my own growth and learning. Settling for the comfort of being expensive has never been a way to go for me especially after running a school and knowing the value of maximizing resources. Now that was the easiest to see.
Now going back to my greatest learning and realizations:
1) Kindness
It would not hurt to be kind. It is in the knowledge of one's kindness that one can go ahead and justify being a bitch if you have to cuz you tried to be kind in the first place...only because you cannot settle for anything substandard. That I am capable of playing my B side in one context and my K side in another was quite splitting only to see that I can reconcile and live with it.
And since few ones are now fine with using the B side, I need not play that role any longer.
Then recently I practised kindness recently with one parent in my small school. I hope the fruits of that will grow this year. Thanks to MR and ME=meron pala akong matututunan sa mga Atenista..hehe.
Now the limits to my K side and B side is worth testing as I go back to UPOU.
2) Sense of others
I am not alone in my efforts and never was. I am one fortunate co-academic lead to have worked closely with fellows (AA & CF). And to acknowledge from the start that coords from another dept (JL, VN & RE) are just as much as co-leads in my dept. There have been reliable folks in school who just need that space for affirmation. Or that I have always found ways to seek support from a mere exchange of fresh ideas with SL and ZG... or the mature presence of Is=PI + NI who surprisingly come from a mainstream school culture but have managed to keep themselves open-minded.
3) Humility
I am truly better off in a space where I know little than in a space where I know more because it reminds of humility--just to temper that UP arrogance in me.
And so, I will forever be grateful to MPL, who as DoF, has forever been consistent to who she was way back. And knowing how human she can truly be (funny and crazy) like the rest of us.
4) Forgiveness
Yeah, this. That in the effort of doing my job, I made my own mistakes. And before I can even ask for forgiveness, I need to forgive myself first. I am good with that already--imagine all the casualties Ive had as AA Program Chair and living with the knowledge of casualties because my graduates and all efforts going into that outweigh the casualties. So forgiveness of this kind was easy.
Now I can say, THAT WAS EASY. Moving on...
