Now that was easy

Let's just say in my employment record, the last 2 years was the toughest job I have ever had and yet howcome letting go was easier than I thought it woud.

Id say 'toughest' by far because I find the process of 'changing culture' the most challenging to do. It calls one to define one's standards of work and ways of working, or even question it and search for somekind of middle ground. It makes you look at the half filled glass and see for yourself what one can settle with or even settle without.  And yet interestingly, it gives you a sense of safety in the knowledge and comfort of your own limitations. A recognition of one's limitation hence pushes you towards contentment with what you are actually able to do and contribute and that others will surely do a better job at it. Therefore moving on means moving forward. And at this age, one is no longer hell bent on seeking  validation for one's efforts because the validation always comes later on after, and in a different form altogether.

The faculty is in a much better space. I was a witness to finally see how the right people are finally occupying the right spaces. With that comes the joy of looking back at my own work experiences and how Ive made uncertain spaces right for me.  Knowing that when all seems a bit right or a bit better or will be,  signals you to go ahead and risk yourself in exploring unfamiliar spaces.

Then with this looking back, comes remembering people who have helped you deal with uncertainties, and moreso, people who inspire you to do better.  This 2 year stint when I tried to apply  the extent of what I already know  (creatively) when it comes to running a school or monitoring a program is a good initiation to what I thought was a glitch but what I can now actually label as  mainstream culture pervading most local schools --the culture of silence, the culture of crabs, the culture of passive aggressive communication, the culture of lack of collaboration. They say it is a Filipino trait while I insist on saying it ain't because I have been in school cultures where I was fortunate to experience quite the opposite.  So that was like....ahhh ok. That only means, in the end, the choice is still mine.

The question is, have I contributed to the propagation of the  mainstream culture or have I tried to illustrate an alternate culture.  I would like to think I tried to contribute to the latter but in the end found it is easy to give up on it knowing that it is no longer my task and that my co-leads are in fact the right people who are better off continuing what they already are doing in the first place. And that if it will just take defining the roles others can take on  sooner as add-on roles, then this is looking at  second liners to occupy the front lines a few years from now. That was the neatest part of the job, btw.

Being an expensive redundancy to the process can now be an obstacle to my own growth and learning. Settling for the comfort of being expensive has never been a way to go for me especially after running a school and knowing the value of maximizing resources. Now that was the easiest to see.


Now going back to my greatest learning and realizations:
1) Kindness
It would not hurt to be kind. It is in the knowledge of one's kindness that one can go ahead and justify  being a bitch if you have to cuz you tried to be kind in the first place...only because you cannot settle for anything substandard. That I am capable of playing my B side in one context and my K side in another was quite splitting only to see that  I can reconcile and live with it.
And since few ones are now fine with using the B side, I need not play that role any longer.

 Then recently I practised kindness recently with one parent in my small school. I hope the fruits of that will grow this year. Thanks to MR and ME=meron pala akong matututunan sa mga Atenista..hehe.

Now the limits to my K side and B side is worth testing as I go back to UPOU.

2) Sense of others
I am not alone in my efforts and never was. I am one fortunate co-academic lead to have worked closely with fellows (AA & CF). And to acknowledge from the start that  coords from another dept (JL, VN & RE) are just as much as co-leads in my dept. There have been reliable folks in school who just need that space for affirmation. Or that I have always found ways to  seek support from a mere exchange of fresh ideas with SL and ZG... or the mature presence of  Is=PI + NI who surprisingly come from a mainstream school culture but have managed to keep themselves open-minded.

3) Humility
I am truly better off in a space where I know little than in a space where I know more because it reminds of humility--just to temper that UP arrogance in me.

And so, I will forever be grateful to MPL, who as DoF, has forever been consistent to who she was way  back. And knowing how human she can truly be (funny and crazy) like the rest of us.

4) Forgiveness
Yeah, this. That in the effort of doing my job, I made my own mistakes. And before I can even ask for forgiveness, I need to forgive myself first. I am good with that already--imagine all the casualties Ive had as AA Program Chair and living with the knowledge of casualties because my graduates  and all efforts  going into that outweigh the casualties. So forgiveness of this kind was easy.

But the forgiveness of another kind, when the other party misjudged you in someway and no apologies are coming your way, iiiiis tough! Then  logic and empathy in me kicked in:  I did it by looking at the case/s and seeing I have no baggage to carry so what if I carry that a little for someone who just had too much of it in life, pain included.  And seeing that while I did share common views with former leads, I am just one  person with a happier/ successful experiences in the area of 'learning',  'trying' or 'experimenting' and therefore was fortunate enough to be loved and will always see the good in my experiences (or rather too ADHD to settle with unnecessary pain). This part I love best and to the core! There is triumph in forgiveness after all.

Now I can say, THAT WAS EASY. Moving on...

DP Hist 11 Disequilibrium v. 2.015

I really need this mode...it is kinda hard when I don't exactly know where to turn to for very specific concerns re: the Hist new guide. This is what I truly miss about my former work. I know anytime I can bounce ideas with or unload to co teachers for anything about teaching and learning--offline or online...embedded in the craziest narratives of the day or even the sickest, greenest jokes over lunch, and this still happens 24/7 having my husband as the most reliable co teacher around.

Now at my 2nd year at Beacon, I have a small groupie I know I can turn to. I have AG, RE and JG to ask about DP HL/ SL matters. I have VN and JL to check on my sanity, AA to ask about her thoughts on my views, ML and CC about teaching, kids & classes, CF for ideas in my  MYP class, GG and PI  for organizational/ faculty-as-body views, ZG for acad reading and writing...

OMG, what list was that. It only shows how cluttered my brain can be.

Lately, and specific to History I am able to sound off  ideas to  and concerns with a new (but very experienced) teacher but still in times when I get confused (and bagot with myself for being confused) and then emotional in the midst of the confusion,  I think it best to shut up and listen first to my thoughts before I do anything.  That space between stimulus and response (naxx..what I gathered from HOS, hehe)

While I do recognize I can turn to my current DP coord for concerns re: grading, assessment and TSCs, Id really like a serious conversation about IAs and how it relates to the IB Exam paper assessments etc etc etc AND the course guide itself. Im sensing, there must be a better way to work with all these--tipong we hit 2 birds (or even more) with one stone...and in the end try to lighten the load on the students or actually maximize their brain efforts toward the common goal of meaningful learning. 

Here goes:

I was thinking what if to help students in that phase when they need to think of a research area of inquiry and their research question, which upon advice of former DP coord should be related to Philippine history,  we can actually look at THAT list of World History topics outlined by IB in their New History Guide. From the list, extract those topics and even from that list, why not develop specific WH topics for Grade 12?

And if so, do I rock the boat---this way: ask a co teacher and my coord whether another WH topic can be developed for the 12s next year in of support student related IA inquiries  which touch on the Philippines-SEA context?

And if so, which  former World History topic can then be replaced by this new WH unit/topic?

And if so, can the DP coord with the Hist 12 teacher also look at this topic/ unit development alongside  the DP Socio-Anthro course development?

So instead of actually looking at the History course as a topic listing of sorts, we look at the topics as a coherent web--with the routes, prescribed courses, case study like courses and world history option courses as somehow interrelated and we see THAT common strand we can work in so that we work around the IA?( I wonder then how we can view all our DP courses.) It's as if we do not actually have to start from scratch whenever we are faced with the IA.

Suma total, it is essentially a question of (and in the light of the new Hist Guide): Do we keep the Hist course safe and keep with the courses we have comfortably developed and enriched vs Do we take this as an opportune time to do the necessary change so that the Hist course can continue to evolve or redefine itself given student demands and interest on Phil History?

OR keep it safe cuz eventually, we shall cancel out Hist course and go for Socio-Anthro, just to be pragmatic about this. We have soooo much work to do  anyways.

So AHA...there must be something good coming out of doing a self study on this New History Guide_ m2017. It requires us to realistically look into our priorities as a program...and also a chance to ask ourselves--could it be that the Phil educ system have always sidelined Socio Anthro as a social science over History which seems to have dominated the SocSci discipline since time memorial...with History historically emerging even before the Social Science was conceived. Then all the more, we carve that space for Sociology and Anthropology, the Philippine kind in IB-DP.

Glad to have this out of my brain.

What's the Big-H deal...?

If there's one thing I loved about the way we did things at TBA for this year's In service, IT is this: we got ourselves curious and  freed our minds through a great idea of the Big History Project. I said to DoF.."Funny how you manage to turn things upside down.." Every time there's a 'hard line' being drawn by the what we perceive to be as what is being asked of us by IB (when actually it isn't), she does something to turn it around. Like a driver on bus, she makes kabig, major major, just when we thought we have arrived at our destination. Slight confusion seems to me more like a brain adventure-- and watta  good brain exercise. And in Mailin's gifted way, she simply does this instinctively and smoothly, and we simply have to enjoy this ride, and just trust ourselves that we will get somewhere. After all, she wasn't named "Dyosa" by Wordlab fans for nothing. 

After having gone through IBO PYP, and getting out to test practices in my own school, and coming back, but this time at IBO MYP-DP, I saw how quickly I can buy into IB prescriptions, especially at the DP level where the pressure to deliver is much greater due to looming IAs and Paper formats, which though make sense, can sometimes make one's teaching and learning quite predictable, and yes, to some extent test driven for college preps. Yes, there's a side to my brain that works that way and then it sometime battles with how I think about my MYP Philo where I can practically play around, but within the boundaries of Criterion A, B, C and D. 

Teaching during my first year @TBA is  somekind of MYP vs DP battle, only to find out that if in fact I do conceptual teaching and inquiry at the MYP level, it should naturally connect to DP, and I should no longer worry whether students do in fact think conceptually because they will. And if they don't, the fallback would be the ATL's. Now for this 2nd schoolyear, I started my In service with that kept safely in my brain. Then comes this Big History Project!!! Unsettling but in an exciting way =) because now I question what I have safely arrived at ergo unsettling.  Exciting because like wowwwh, may I have a Philippine Big History project?! But then hellow Aleta, back to earth, start with small steps and you'll get somewhere somehow. It doesn't have to be here and now @TBA.

So this year will be sandbox mode for me to witness how teachers will make it happen and own it. This time, I will try to immerse differently and need not be in the thick of it, but I'll be a bystander to see how DoF, and ALL the willing teachers make something out of it.

But how did we chance upon this BIGGIE anyways. Thanks to technology--which keep us connected 24/7, 365 days a year. Mailin goes, it came to her inbox through an email sent by Mr Oshima, Alexis' dad. Mailin didn't look much into it back then. Then finally she did navigate it...then she learned Alexis was pretty excited about it (and such an interesting presence she can be, esp during health check ups). 

"This is Alexis' idea", Mai says. So, BOOM=there you go...another gifted teacher is around. This should be FUNNN. Suuuuweeet.

Being Human: 3 Lessons=1 New Formula

I remember saying to a dear co-teacher these days: God puts you in workplaces for a reason--and that is to learn something and be a better person than where you are now. It's the same thing I said to a fave colleague of mine at UPOU whenever he and I wondered about an older fellow who at his age, is still moving from one workplace to another perhaps because he is so full of himself and no longer capable of learning from others. He will always put the blame on others and never take responsibility for his actions at his age.

I do not think I am that sort nor do I even want to start to be that way and so I take time to reflect.
So what am I learning at this new workplace and why do I have to make the most of out it while Im still here?

Work has always been about seeing my experiments in education come to life--whether in a grade school, a university, online, face2face or blended. Then much later on, the challenge was to put these experiments into writing to share to the world as a solid contribution called research and publication. So, ok...I have done  all of those and proud in fact to have done things I never even thought of doing when I was an adolescent, in the midst of Ninoy Aquino's death, simply coming around to decide on becoming a teacher in order to do my part to work for better education for Filipinos.

Looking back, all my formulas succeeded and I know at anytime, I can come up with another formula, make a model out of it and make it work. It is bound to go somewhere cuz it always does. According to science, because energy is the capacity to do work, all you got to do is put your utmost energy and work gets done, beautifully even. According to math 2x2=4, double the effort, comes a precise product. According to the history, there is such a thing as pattern of events and actions, and of course, cause and effect of human decisions and behavior. All THAT was quite obvious and expected, hellow Aleta!!!

The bigger question  to ask at this time is this: how have all these made me a better person?

So, ok. My work has allowed me to explore the breadth and depth of my thought processes. It has allowed me to sustain real good conversations with my dear husband, co educator which continue to fuel my small school where children continue to learn interestingly.  It has allowed me to justify my life choices and my life projects in my home country. Pretty much learning selfishly.

So, ok. Let's try again. My life's work has allowed me to contribute great ideas to organizations, big and small. But then, dapat lang. That is what is expected of an Iskolar ng Bayan=a UP grad. All the above count from age 20-45. Pretty much learning in an altruist way.

But Im now closer to 50--about time I look for other measures of whether I have learned, or still am capable of learning. At the age of 46, this is no longer about being Iskolar ng Bayan or giving back to the country somekind of ROI, but maybe more about Being Human. A human being is not only capable of living life as a rational being forever engaged with decision making and taking responsibility for one's actions and successes, but a human being is even more capable of seeing 'the other' other than the self. The other can be some other supreme power beyond the self capable of driving other things to the same direction or another direction which could actually be better than what one perceived it to be. If that is so, then being human means capable of seeing one's limits to one's capacities--an acknowledgement of a SuperHuman out there.

And so, unknowingly, I have put that to test at my new work. I was in state of dilemma at my workplace when I had to choose between insisting on what I think was right (as a teacher and Learning Coordinator at that) and my right (as a parent). But then came a realization--why not choose to do otherwise since all my life, I have chosen to insist and I got my way and end up with the right results. What if I let things go, will I still get my way? Will things fall in its proper place (or a much better place) without me acting on it because there is 'the other' who will act on it at the right time? Does that make me passive, a non committal human being? Or does that even say I have in fact consistently become proactive and committed to my work  and therefore have always done my part and so let go, to let others do theirs?

And aside from letting go and believing that 'the other' will make things happen, why not also care for my thoughts instead of over caring about the results? Why not rethink the matter from the point of view of the situation and  its effect to my thoughts over what it can do to others?  Who am I even to assume that others will not care enough to take action?

And why not humility=surrendering to 'the other' by acknowledging one's limits and capacities? And with that comes tolerance of others' imperfections for isn't being human never about  being perfect but acknowledging imperfections?

So, with 2 final emails to my co-ALT members, I let go. For once and finally, I put into action a co-teacher's advice which may well  benefit him more than I because after all, my job is to provide support to a fellow teacher's growth and not to always insist on standards of action or teacher expectations= payback time for the length of time I was given in my career to grow and learn. For the record, I, Aleta, conceded and therefore for once thought, what will be, will be and that Being Human may possibly be all about caring for one's thoughts, humility and tolerance, and letting go or letting God.

3 lessons= 1 new formula....we shall see then. This is now what will become of me over and above what will happen to who cares about that. Will learning all these and at this age, make me more Human as can be? Am I even still capable of learning all these?

And if in fact I will be able to learn these from age 46-50, what else is there between 51-60? How shall I  be able to define what Being Human is at that point in time?

And what has all these got to do with the resurrection of Christ? Will I be even able to reconcile all these?

Rules of Engagement II version 2015

1. Thou shall not take more than what is given.
2. Thou shall wait.
3. Thou shall wait more.
4. Thou shall not interrupt.
5. Thou shall always try.
6. Thou shall accept delightful things.
7. Thou shall ask for help and care for thyself.
8. Thou shall accept defeat and try again.
9. Thou shall learn to move on.
10. Thou shall see God in little things.

Timestamp: Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM

Happy anniversary! Yeps, I would like to see it this way instead...a chance to renew vows/ commitments to myself, but this time, adding back my faith in God pair of lens which I removed for about 2-3 years. I figured, my life becomes more colorful with having  more faith in His presence. And so I am here again, facing God  and as always...and I mean always, the timing of things...how can such timing be perfect and how can it happen during critical points in my life?

Atheism is such a great philosophy and a selfie kind of religion but it can never ever explain 'patterns' nor 'connectedness'. Everything  simply follows a logical cause effect  based on one's decisions. It can never explain glitches. But then glitches and sudden turns are the ones worth capturing in life.

Here is one glitch--
I received word from QUT, quite unexpectedly. I  thought I had forgotten this dream of studies abroad. But howcome I am not delighted at all and it kinda felt like this: Pambihira naman, oo, WTF is this about!!! Is this adding insult to injury!  Is this some kind of reminder that I have to give up this dream, BE HERE and NOT there because anytime I can lose a loved one---my sister, my mom, my best friend or the father of my children. Like bring it on, Lord. I'm cutting a few ties anyways so why not do all these at the same time. Take EVERYthing away...and let life be just "a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes...."

It was very much like that for a day or 2 and even moments. And I guess it  will continue to be every now and then when I think of life's uncertainties.

I tried to whine but then  this person I cant seem to fathom says these:

balikan mo ang intensyon mo: bakit gusto mong mag-aral abroad?

dream?

personal goal?

source of pride?

tapos ijuxtapose mo sa kung anong ginagawa mo ngayon

kung alin ang mas mayimbang, doon ka

take the choice that will make you whole

God does not give what one does not deserve.
And He always gives more not less.

So ok....OKAAAAYYYY.
I shall define and always go back to this every year if this is what it takes!!!

I am here and let my why's count:

Why I even wished for this
I was 44 then and on my 6th year at UPOU and my school. It was the time that I felt quite settled being where I am and doing what was there to do. It was a time of rest seeing that anything I can set myself to do gets done and my work benefits my children, my need to for creative and academic pursuits, and yet with 1 more thing which has become a source of obssession for 2 years running.
I wanted to  finally have the chance to do my theses which had to take a backseat because my small school concerns, and my UPOU work had more pressing matters. My small school and UPOU were the sources of my research ideas anyways.

My limited brains   have never worked for something THIS hard. It is difficult to start with due to how my brains work and doubly difficult because when I started my doctoral studies, it was around the same time I was into major life projects.  My studies have draaaggged on until I decided to quit because again, my kind of brains cannot work with the kind of adviser I have. The only choice was to test my theses with some other university.

I said to myself, I was really just settling for PhD Curriculum Studies in my alma mater so when I already had a change of heart and was determined to pursue something more related to online education and virtual high schools,  I started to look forward to the idea of just being on my own, in another university,  away and detached from the cares of the world and just do research-- a space just for me and my ideas...just be selfish, right? why not?

Add to the above is the idea of  a self test--how long  will I be able to  live my life away from my loved ones who seem to be resilient enough to live their lives without me. And to get all these done while I can still afford to do so. Can I rely on myself entirely? be accountable for my finances? be decent enough within the boundaries of decency I alone can command?

Plus, since I imagined myself growing old at UPOU, the only way to grow old and still remain actively engaged  is to get into research projects with my colleagues, and not settle for the usual research pursuits of mine. If I were to stay long at UPOU, then I must be prepared to work with my colleagues who are just as committed and qualified to do things. Having an EdD to me will be my track record of sustained and focused attention, logical thinking, clarity of mind, concrete theoretical contribution --I was after proving to myself that I can make my brains work in a certain way if I am to go on at UPOU to bring more change through committee work and research projects.

 It was a stark difference to what I know I am already capable of doing--creative work=life projects which I never planned getting into but simply dared do as part of my commitment to my children, and my profession. So far, I have no regrets.

Blah blah...

Why an alternate future?
Around Sept-Oct 2013, I started to think of a Plan B=an alternate future. I started getting in touch with Mailin. Later on,  she asked for my CV and so I gave it more thought.  My email records say these:

Timestamp 1: Tue, Nov 26, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Pag-iisipan ko yung part time.  Ano ba merong mga job openings ngayon sa Beacon Acad?

Timestamp 2:  Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM

 And now that I want Miranda in a really good high school system, I will do what it takes to afford it (if I can) and contribute to the vision and work of a HS which will take her in....

I am submitting my CV here, because doing so will contribute to the confusion I am in. Perhaps, eventually, circumstances will push me to a decision I will be happy with.

Timestamp 3:Sat, Apr 5, 2014 at 11:59 PM
Re: hindi ako makahinga....

It is a provisional YES as of the moment until I iron out matters with my Dean. 

It's an offer I cannot say 'no' to because the opportunity sounds great, for both Miranda and I.

Huling huli ka, Aleta. Happy Anniversary!

The choice then is to go for Beacon Academy. It is an alternate future I have decided to delve into, with so much uncertainty,  and the only certain thing about it is this: my daughter gets a chance to go for an education she chose (which I may have influenced a bit...). And so I am here to support the institution which accepted her.

Looking back, I'd have to say, Miranda, my dearest daughter, has for the 2nd time paved the way for me. She is one reason why I dared set up a small school, and also the same reason why I shall move on to another school. My Mauro, on the other hand, will always be the survivor who will adjust to his mother's needs (he was the baby I was breastfeeding in the midst of my  at U.P Graduate Admission Test...kung saan si Robin ang proctor at may sumulpot na ahas sa Benitez Theatre habang nag-eeksam ako) since he is very much capable of seeking attention from different people to fill his needs.

Whatever rewards, risks and heartaches I shall embrace  as part of THIS experience.

But in all honesty, why choose to be here...NOW?
It is a good time to be here with my beloveds and still make space for dearies.

I'd like to spend this time of my life, here and NOW for simple joys to save in my happy memory stick... sooo much memories to look back to when I'm 60, and perhaps it'll keep me afloat for painful truths I can never escape but can only face in the years to come. 

On a gut-feel level, it does feel right to be here, anyways.

As for 2016-2017...let's see!

Pagiging OCW sa sariling bansa

Noong kamakailan lang, napainom ako ng Pale Pilsen, pagkatapos ng ilang buwang hindi nakakainom. Humirit ang kasama ko na napaka-OCW ng dating ng Pale Pilsen. Ok lang naman talaga kase sa totoo lang, yun din naman  ang pakiramdam ko itong mga huling linggo, lalupa't sa kakabiyahe sa MRT.

Parang kasing pakiramdam ko, hati ang pagkatao ko at may distansyang pumapagitna at lumalawak pa, bunga ng trabahong hinaharap ko ngayon. Noon naman, bagamat 2 ang hanapbuhay ko, nakakahanap ako ng paraan upang panatilihing buo, iisa o kaya'y magkarugtong ang aking mga gawain at mithiin sa buhay. At ang distansya, kumbaga nga naman ay transaksyunal na nakakayanan ko namang ipagtabi ang daang nilalakabay. Ang trabaho ko sa munti kong paaralan ay para sa aking mga anak at ilang pamilya at kabataan, at bilang pagsasakatuparan ng ilang panaginip bilang isang guro habang naman ang panahong ginugugol sa UPOU ay bilang pamumuhunan sa kinabukasan na rin ng aking mga anak.

Subalit ngayon, kinailangang kong pumili ng 1 buhay, at parang biglang kelangan iwanan ang dating buhay.  Sinisimulan kong itaguyod ang buhay ko sa Binan-Sta Rosa, isang lugar na kahit tila bagang nagpapanggap na urban bagamat ang mga pamamaraan ay napaka-rural, ay natutunan ko na ring angkinin  dahil namamahay na ako sa isang lungga doon. Bunga ito  ng desisyon ko hinggil sa pag-aaral ng aking anak, na kinakailangan ko rin namang  panindigan dahil  pinili ko rin naman gawin ito. Subalit sa pagpiling yun, di ko naman inisip ang katumbas na magaganap pa kase ganun naman talaga kapag kinailangan mo ng kagyat na desisyon--susunggaban mo na lamang at kakayanin mo ang mga resulta nito. At gayun na nga--biglang nawalay ako sa dati kong mga minamahal--kapwa guro (kasama asawa ko dun), estudyante (kasama mga anak at inaanak ko duon) at ang pagtuturo at research.

Kaya tuwing bumabiyahe ako pauwi gayun na lamang ang paghahalo ng damdamin ko--natutuwa akong makita ang mga mahalaga sa aking buhay, may kaunting lungkot kapag sila'y kelangan iwanan, nalilito sa kung alin ang aking pamamahay  habang din naman naghahanap ng batis ng saya sa bago kong trabahong ginagawa, kahit walang katiyakan kung anong mangyayari sa kin pagkatapos ng 2 taon. May mga panahong hinahambing ko ang dati kong gawain sa ginawa ko ngayong at tinatanong ang sarili kung tama ba o sulit ang naging desisyon ko. Pilit kong kinakalimutan ang mga ganoong tanong na hindi na dapat tinatanong at imbis iniisip bakit ganito ang aking nadarama.

Sa mga biyahe sa MRT, usapang trabaho at kung anu ano rin naman ang nagiging libangan bago marating ang Trinoma. Subalit tuwing nakikita ang ibang kapwa sa MRT,  at sabay sabay kaming nagsisiksikan at nagmamadaling umuwi, bagamat may mukhang pagod o sariwa, may mga nag-iisip, tulog o may kinakausap,  iisa kaming lahat sa aming pakay sa buhay. Lahat kami sa MRT, piniling mabuhay sa Pilipinas dahil marahil wala kaming magagawa, o kaya dahil kasama yun sa desisyong manatiling subukan ang lahat nang aming makakaya na mabuhay sa sariling bansa, kung nasaan rin ang aming mga mahal sa buhay, at mga mamahalin pa hanggang kamatayan!!!

Subalit ilan kaya kaming nakadarama ng pagiging OCW sa sariling bansa. At bakit nga ba ganito ang nadarama ko. Dahil baga, heto na naman ako, iniwanan ang isang ligtas na kinalalagyan upang makipagsapalaran.  Sa edad na ito, ano pa nga ba ang maari pang mawala sa pagkatao ko sa ilang panunugal na ginawa ko. Marahil nga meron, subalit di ko na sinubukang tandaan--mga paglalaan ng oras para sa mga mahalagang pagkilos (causes and advocacies), mga kinakaibigan at biniBF para sa mga ganitong gawain, paulit ulit na pagbuhos ng utak at puso sa mga organisasyong inaasawa, at hinihiwalayan din. Parang isang OCW kung saan-saang napadpad at namamahay, nabubuhay at nagmamahal,  at kinikitil ang ilang relasyon para harapin ang kinakailangan harapin.

Pero dahil tao rin lamang ako, naghahanap din ako ng munting kapalit---nang sa gayon tuwing umuuwi ako  sakay sa MRT, maari kong isipin ang ilang maliliit na gantimpala o kasiyahan pantawid-buhay mula sa aking mga kinagisnang gawa at bagong gawain, mga dating minamahal at bagong mamahalin, mga panghabambuhay na kakilala at kikilalanin pa.

Tulad din marahil sa ilang mga biyaherong nasanay na sa byahe at naghahanap ng ilang katutuwaang magbibigay aliw sa isipan para lang maiwasan ang pagkabato o pagkainip sa byahe o pagkapikon sa lahat na pasikot-sikot na pila, pati na rin ang lahat ng uri ng amoy at usok na bumabagabag sa isip at hininga. Ang paborito kong pantawid buhay sa mga ganitong byahe ay mga tao ring buhay katulad ko subalit tila bagang sila ay mga palaisipan. Dalawa sila ngayon na sinusubukan kong maunawaan dahil iba ang naging pinili nilang buhay. Sa ilang mga kwento nung isa, napapaisip rin ako sa sarili kong mga karanasan, desisyon at pinahahalagahan bilang tao. Paminsan nilalagay ko ang sarili ko sa kanyang karanasan at sinusubukan kong gunigunihin ano kaya ang kanyang mga nararamdaman o pinag-iisipan o di kaya kung ako ang nakaluklok sa sitwasyon nya, ano kaya ang magiging kahulugan sa akin noong karanasan na iyon. Ano kaya ang aking tutunguhin at bakit nga ba nagkasama kami ngayon? At sadya lang bang narito kami pareho ngayon? Ano kaya ang kahihinatnan ng byahe namin sa panahong hinaharap namin ang aming bagong trabaho? At paano kaya pagdating sa panahong ang isa sa amin ay magbago ng daan? At dahil lahat ng byahe ay aabot sa puntong hiwalayan, ano ang silbi ng mga palaisipan at mga pagkilanlanan?

I can go on and on and on wondering why the moon waxes and wanes. Should I even ask the heavens for why's and WTF'in not's!!!

Kaya lulunukin ko itong chang-inang Pale Pilsen, kahit ilan pa. Lulunurin ko ang sarili ko sa karanasang  pagiging isang OCW sa sariling bansa kung ito lamang ang paraan upang ako'y sumisid sa kailaliman ng pag-aalinlangan upang lumangoy papataas at  muling maramdaman ang buhay. Magbabago kaya ang aking paningin sa aking kahapon at ngayon?


Makahanap nga ng maong jaket katerno ng beer na 'to!

Dehins Kwentong Kutchero

The TOK class is a classic example of how teachers can effectively employ the use of pairwork and small group discussions to elicit prior knowledge,  encourage thinking together and listening to each other,  while placing them in a learning situation where they can agree to disagree and even arrive at common understandings. I know that this may be commonplace in all types of schools but what keeps me interested are the types of questions students sort out and the meanings they arrive at after all the exchanges—to what extent the discussions turn out to be typical ‘umpukan sa kanto’, ‘kwentong kutchero', 'kwentong barbero', FacLounge exchange, I dunno whatelse or a genuine intellectual exercise.

The teacher started the class by simply jotting down a list of assumptions, top of his head kinda thing. He starts the class by laying down the goals and linking these with the essential agreements, the purposes of the day’s work as it relates to their future lives in the university, not to mention spending a few minutes to put in context today’s topic which was about dealing with ‘assumptions’. This initial teacher talk ran for about 8 minutes or so that I was about to say my "Oh no... teacher-preacher!!!". Of course, it hardly turned out to be that way.  I can see the students taking this as part of the routine, and comfortably understanding where the teacher was coming from.

For the small group activity to work, a set of questions were provided:

What are assumptions? Why do we have these? How do we get rid of them?

(And should I even say, that the key to the success of this kind of activity is the set of questions given.  Surely, this activity is not bound to fail.)

The teacher comes across as a person very relaxed with his students because he seems to have established a steady work relationship with them. Also, having been with the Grade 12’s myself as a sub teacher,  I can say that being with this class was like simply dealing with a bunch of adults who equally know when to relax, when to get on with business and when things have to go faster than usual because an output has to be turned in.  They are the type to naturally transition from one activity to the next without much cheering on in the way preschoolers and grade schoolers would be cued by their teachers.

I can say that perhaps the  Grade 12’s are pretty much prepared to be booted out of HS, into a university and finally get on with their lives having real jobs.  Perhaps the next few months are about bidding time and while at that, may as well give them a hard time through IB Diploma prescriptions, lol. The only reason you would want to delay this eventuality is the feeling that you know at one point in their lives as adults, when they feel utterly tired and exhausted, they would wish to be back in HS, away from the cares of the world!!!

Moving on….

I easily got to move around and engage. The students went on with their business of  thinking and responding to the questions but at the same time, they comfortably let me into their small group exchange. One pair started with their ideas of religion and how it influenced one’s ways of looking at things. The other  discussed about  the individual in relation to their spheres, that they even had a diagram in their notes while their peer discussion went on.  I finally came around to reaching the third pair who were almost done, arriving at this: assumptions are stuff they cannot do without, hence there is value in acknowledging these assumptions and being careful about how it may or may not influence the way you see things in life…(and perhaps arrive at certain choices they need to make).

At one point, the teacher briefly called the attention of the students to clarify the meaning of the word assumption…and it came just in time when I found myself asking how assumptions differ from premises, arguments, theories, beliefs, opinions and biases, prejudices…..and all the other stuff TOK students are learning which I wished I have learned during my time and perhaps teaching Philosophy now would be a breeze!!!

It was a wholesome exchange of ideas that I witnessed among the Gr 12’s.

I wished I stayed a bit longer to see how the teacher shall take off from the students’ ideas.

My thoughts bring me back to how our Gr 10’s and 9’s are: the 9’s who are still much into their cliques, and the 10’s who are a class of their own, half serious, half getting there and funny mostly, and fully absorbed once the right buttons are pushed.

Will I be able to stay long enough to be like Joseph with them once they reach Gr 12?

With that Bleh Out of the Way, Now This!!!

I laugh now...with that major BLEH out of the way, I now would like to see what I am learning to do these days, besides the teaching part in my new school.

When I was with my university work, I was one of those resisting bureaucracy---you know, those channels of communication,  clear processes to get things done, delineation of work,  meetings galore.
Only to find myself trying to put a bit of this and that into this new work place. Down the drain goes all my research ideas, and shitty theoretical underpinnings of this and that, and though I admit I DO MISS RESEARCH, I realized because it's the best escape from doing the nitty gritty--changing culture=paglabag sa mga bagay na kinagisnan tungo sa kaunlaran.

So this job of LC is really about that--trying to find new ways of doing things by recycling or even transplanting ideas from there to here, or here to there. And I need to start thinking about the teachers as my class of students whom I need to support without them knowing that. It's great to be doing that in ways which are not entirely obvious. I'm glad to be in an obscure office because that means I have to be the one to move about and approach whomever I can manage to. I need not prove to be on top of things because my fellows in the acad team are seeing to that.

Id like to say here that the ultimate measure of my success for this year is just this:
-a sound and coherent teacher appraisal borne out of collaboration from fellow teachers

Just that....I'll have to do my Hist and Philo just the same anyways. So ok, Ill add one---
-a teacher who will be able to comfortably say: YES, I KNOW my students.

It's been a while....

Yeps, it's been a while. And really a long while. A former Beacon School teacher, Ms Isah Caguicla, will surely understand me and we'll just give this a laugh.

Well, these days, I do not entirely feel like laughing. For one, I think I'm feeling old...you know, OLD=pretty much set with particular ways of doing things.  It's not that the challenges no longer surprise me. It's just that when you finally get over what you thought was the greatest challenge of your life (and in my context that was setting up a school, keeping it alive alongside, doing fulltime university work, amidst doctoral studies), here I am with a new challenge being LC (and what the heck is this about) and of adjusting to a new work setting.

Setting up a school was largely different. There was so much ownership involved--blood, sweat and tears of joy. It was not like some job at all. It was doing the daily grind and seeing the purpose of it everyday because I see my children everyday, and I see them grow with other children who are just as lovable.

When I first came to visit this new school, I found myself amazed at Mailin and Mariles. How can they last this long? And both their children who have grown to be young adults, are now in some other school. Why even bother to be here.

But then I HAVE to be here. This is my daughter's education and the only way I can contribute to her schooling since admittedly, I cannot homeschool her to deprive her of other adults who are worthier to guide her through all the other subject areas.

One time, as I was driving home, what if I waited just a bit more for that scholarship to be awarded...perhaps I will be in my own cubicle working on the research I have always wanted to do....or thought so. But then I know, it still won't be enough, right?

Now, it really has been more than a month, I wonder,  what other things in my life have changed? Im feeling more of a mom lately...as in the domesticated kinda mom--making things fine at home. But then there's a limit to that right? Once you get the routine going, it's pretty much there.

Blah blah.  Come to think of it, it has been I a while since I felt bleh. So I guess, Im still good!