4....3...2..1 Earth below Me

The thought of dying is getting to be truer than ever these days. A brod and sis passed away. Anytime I know it could be my parents' time or even mine. 

A terrible headache awakened me the other morning. A strange experience it was. As Vic held my hand I started to consider what if in fact I am sick of something. Hmmm, can I be given a bit of time to say thanks and say a few wishes to come true.

I thank YOU for my Zambales, Tarlac, Cuyo, and Romblon experience.

I thank YOU for those boat trips.

I thank YOU for ALL the kids of The Builders' School.

I thank YOU for the book and the new grant and the luxury of time to engage in research. 

I thank YOU for all the travels & adventures on Earth.

I thank YOU for the fun we've had since high school.

I thank YOU for all the love and care, for holding my hand in so many ways.

I thank YOU for listening to all my woes and troubles, little joys.

I thank YOU for all the help in my dissertation, finish it for me in case I no longer can.

I thank YOU for reminding me to give you a hug and a kiss. It felt really good to stay a while on your bed and be with you both to express my wishes for my children. I thank YOU for U.P. and my education.

I wish for YOU to have some time to enjoy having a new partner for a change, have time to do your PhD & travel more. I wish for YOU to have relaxed time to read your best-loved books. Please keep your hair that way, too.

I wish for YOU to become the Guidance Counselor you want to be, and have  a happy married life you planned on having while at Grade 3.

I wish for YOU to continue taking care of your father and your brother. I still wish that you consider studying & settling abroad then come back once you are more prepared to handle the Philippines.

I wish for YOU to find the love you can live with and grow old with.

I wish for YOU to complete your thesis and see all your sons grow old.

I wish for YOU to have another child because I know your son will enjoy having a sibling.

I wish for YOU both to live longer so you can still be with my children and enjoy their jokes.

I wish for YOU to see your daughter graduate.

I wish for YOU to achieve your dreams and make your parents proud and happy.

I wish for both of YOU to keep strong.

I wish for you to live long enough to see my son's wedding.

That was ALL I could think of for a few minutes.

Yeah, I think can say goodbye if I have to.

Been a year or so...& 8 mos.

 It's been a year since I started with this thing called data ANALYSIS.

Around the same time last year, I was preparing to get back to Toowoomba for the final semesterS of my studies (or I thought so, haha). So I packed some stuff to bring: 

-fave childhood goodies (chocnut, curly tops and Jolly biscuits)

- a jar of ube = purple yam delicacy

- SPAM tocino + canned corned beef for pasalubong

-bottled dried fish and/or Spanish sardines

Unloaded some of those at my Gold Coast home away from home.

I finally arrive at Toowoomba.  Hopped off  Translink bus 907 at the USQ stop near Alison Dixon Theatre (reminds me of Alice Dixon the actress, haha).  The Australian air, hmmm. No smoky scent yet. Across the stop, I see familiar faces over at K-Block.

That was roughly a year ago, amidst the writing, I spent quality time, not just with fellow humans but quality time with Toowoomba. This sojourn of mine was a lot of ME time. These days, roughly 8 mos since TaalV eruption  and 6 months of being in a mix of GCQ, MECQ and ECQ = Enhanced Community Quarantine,  my forms of escape are really just my memories, daydreaming, productive googling...and still, this thing called research.

Productive googling = Sabina Murray's blog; VICE News articles; Noor gallery of photo-journalists and stories they bring to the fore

Memories = high school days with my BFFs; Davao time with my BFFs; trips to Anilao beach with my lovelies; days of being a much younger teacher and adventuring through Cuyo and Romblon while doing volunteer work; days with Wordlab teachers where I met Teacher Vic, Mimai, Lilette, Mailin, Candy, Hazelle, Mary, Nanay Conching, Kuya Sonny= that year I worked with my best friend and a former teacher idol, Teacher Dina.

I'm not exactly missing recent memories of Builders School, must be cuz it's recent memory. Then again, the very recent memories of Toowoomba always crop up:

> lazy Sunday mornings, passing the time by going to this church or that, 

> walks crossing the Japanese gardens to get to USQ -- and the scent of ducks, the feel of the frost 

>my spot at the library, that coffee machine

> late walks along that university avenue listening to Dua Lipa playing on my phone

>those convoes with myself, an imaginary friend or with God.

>my jog-walk-run routine

>TRAG

I guess, in this pandemic, one can only try to hold on to happy memories. Or convince myself that better days will come as long as I keep myself busy with K12 Journey webinars, crafting a new research project, RWLeague, doing a few firsts = like OIC for Dean Baggy, delving into epistemic cognition, collaborating with HDR-LA, UPOU ethics app, ...almost anything, anything to convince myself that THIS reality is now my reality and whether next year will be a better year, I really don't know anymore, or shall I say rather not look that far as we Filipinos need to bear this all for a few more years under this f***ing regime!!! Gohhhd, I hate him.

One day at a time...this thing called research will keep me afloat. 

This thing called Toowoomba Sojourn will make me look forward to graduating and having that #31 on the menu, for one last time before I die.

In between, I'm quite content with payback famtime or at least thankful for having the time to spend great meals with my loved ones and just seeing and smelling my mammals still. Should better days no longer arrive, then I know, for certain, I really, really, really managed to have gudt days in this time of Corona.

"Something Just Like This..."

Was getting a bit detached from my dissertation for sometime.  

I had to be with family end of April to mid-May.

A very dear aunt died.  So I decided to  spend quality Zoom time hosting novenas and rosary prayer sessions for my relatives. Weird act from a very Protestant me.  But it was really a good time to catch up with my cousins.

We ended up unloading stories, making chismis. It was like 4 nights of life disclosures within the 9 day novena until the actual Zoom memorial.  We cried lots.

Losing Tita Ely is pretty close. The first death that actually hit me was Jerico's. Christened him as the He-Devil to go with my She-Devil Associate In Arts student. We spent good times at the UPOU community site, offline included. 

Anyways, just a weird thing happened.

I was daydreaming about my auto-ethnography to fill in more discussion points. I was reading more about teacher/ academic identities, and identities of Academic Language and Learning Advisors-- such creatures and possible ways to dig into their epistemic and pedagogical beliefs. I came across an article on the use of metaphors  in narrative inquiry discourses and sensemaking.

So I was trying to reconcile whether I should still maintain using superhero metaphors and actually wondered where the superhero metaphor started.  It was like a weird idea back then to engage my new found colleagues at UPOU to see whether how game they could possibly be. I set up my Scratch Pepper at UPOU Google Sites. I was testing content in tables and I sort of imagined each of them in their future selves at UPOU. I entitled it as

"Lay your Claim". Funny that some of them took a bite :) So yeah, I think I secretly knew that I can grow old with them. But to grow old with them also meant I should be someone they can live with or even deserve to grow old with.

Fastforward, I was now getting ready to let go of the superhero metaphor and use their real names in my autoethnog cuz Im sure they would not mind.

Then came the feedback of internal reader, Dr Karen Spence. And OMGOD, I use a GOD to emphasize that she must be God-sent= a surprise superhero. Gahhd, the 'labor' on my work was obvious. Is she an alien or what?!?
Her pencilmarks, checks and corrections brought me back to my chapters -- and this time, I'm looking at my work and my life from a different light. Yes, it has been my labor of pain and joy, for three straight years. Had to cut ties because of this thing called PhD. And yes it had a way of changing me. 

So I managed to quickly get into this zone of proximal submission with that last major fix-ins & add-ons on my chapters. Why not pick a Coldplay while I'm in this zone-- first time to really get into the tune and lyrics of "Something just like this". May I drown in the beat, it kept me going. Lovely lyrics.  Was trying to relate with the superhero lines. Yeah, it seems like a good match while working on my chapters page by page.

Close to 6pm, I was overcome with emotion --  I guess this feeling that I'm close to submission and that up to the last minute, you get the help you need from this person. I searched her at the USQ website. There she was. She's this mysterious lady whose name I obviously forgot but whose face really stuck to my memory.  My first time to see her felt like the time I first met Kat at the UPOU Facrum.  They both were the quiet and reserved type. She reminded me so much of her...a dear colleague who is no longer with UPOU. It got me thinking also of Jerico, RIP., who is  no longer 'here'.  Like if he were alive today, I know I can count on him too for this thing called PhD.

Going back to OMGOD, I've wanted to make conversation with her but I just felt she wanted to spend her lunchbreak in silence.  Well I guess the conversation took a different form --  Her writing on my work= the quality time she spent reading my work AND my brain was more than what I asked for.  And I can only feel gratitude all over again.

God takes away key persons in our lives because He has other plans for them. 

Or that there are people we have to leave cuz yeah, we were meant grow, take root and outgrow.

God had plans for Kat to be in another university.  Then Jerico and my Tita Ely -- they just had to go.

I've lost some people, too as I just had to move on from one workplace to the next.

That's me outgrowing causes and with that I've lost people too.

Maybe because God has other plans for me too.

And God has this way of giving them back to me, in a different form and at times I least expect.

He filled me up with a Catherine, a Lolita, an Anna, a Barbara, a Sofia, a Karen, a Petrea, a Linda, 

a Nicky, an Earl... a Bruce Wayne to Bane (HBD btw)

In the spirit of Coldplay's  "Something just like this..."

"...Achilles...Hercules...Spiderman...Batman...Superman...
Where do you wanna go, how much you wanna risk

Am not looking for somebody with some superhuman gift

Some superhero, some fairy tale bliss

Just something I can turn to, somebody I can miss...Something just like this

doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo..."

Collaboratoire 2020: Coming home

Until the last minute, couldn’t be sure whether I could make it. Ahhh, my mind and my usual seesaw. I haven’t joined any discussion over at Basecamp for Mentors/ Facilitators of Collaboratoire 2020. Couldn't cuz quite fixated with my chapters which weren’t clean enough. There were major spots to work on. Taal volcano hasn’t quieted down. I was still tracking down my request letter for extended study. I haven’t been out to  visit my mom and dad nor sure whether I deserved to see anybody from UPOU until I got this 1 damn thing done.

But then, the commitment to join and support a friend was done many months ago. Like, sure, why not. I can handle the distraction. Whether this was going to be another Biomodd with Angelo, King and Diego, or a chance to be with Sol, I just said yes, knowing fully aware that those days would probably be crunch time.

Crunch time it was. Top priority should always be my dissertation over everything else. Then again, I have been doing exactly that for the past 2.8 years and lately feeling miserable. I love research right? Why do I feel like breaking up with it?  Like, how could I have loved you in the first place?!! While I got busy with commas and quotation marks, those APAs, I thought, why all of a sudden is my dissertation getting in the way of my learning.  I already missed my personal deadline anyways. What's another week? To hell.

I chose heaven. Being in Siargao was like an ultimate release. Will this be even worth it?

Seeing Angelo at the airport brought back memories of Biomodd. I didn’t even know a thing about gaming nor art installation back then when I tried my best to understand him and the ongoing emails of Biomodd members. My goals were purely social – to be with my colleagues and see them at their best. I thought, the learning will surely sink in.  The reward was witnessing ‘gifted teaching’ by Diego and seeing the caring side of AFDL finally unhidden. At one point I couldn’t exactly see whether the collaboration was working. I was feeling the tension at certain points. When I could no longer rely on cognition, I relied on pure labor...until I found a way to finally make Biomodd my own. Since then, the sight of roots, trees, leaves,vines, fishtanks -- the organic and nonmaterial -- all of a sudden takes me back to the sense of community we tried to build together. It still is a strangely warm feeling seeing all of them in one space once again.

Now this Collaboratoire 2020! What’s this yummy looking pauso ni Diego and the whomever he’s bringing in. I didn’t have time to google but ended up sensing people through their profiles and links to their websites. Such renaissance men and women of the 21st century kind. Wow, what an inter/transdisciplinary team we are.  I wondered what I can bring into the group.

In moments of uncertainty, I just usually bring my jolly self. Before the jolly self surfaced, I had to talk things out with Rita, a colleague who fondly labelled me as her Angel, haha.  I sorely needed her to be angelic back to me.  We talked about our struggles, both coming from harmful research advising and getting into our new universities. We had this shared feeling of questioning who we are, what went wrong and now seeing that we are almost, almost getting there.

By the time we took off, I was my smiling self. Excited to be with Sol and Bobby, fellow facilitators. Looking forward to our my sandbox play mode as usual. I thought, this week is just like going with the flow like the rest of the fellows.  I'll be living for the present with my unformatted chapters at the back of my mind.

It felt  nice to finally meet new faces, our actual fellows in the flesh. They had real hair and teeth behind their names and backgrounds on an excel sheet. I tried to recall who and why we chose whom. Just happy to be seated with them amidst the sound of the Siargao tides hitting the riprap. I did a version of active listening and sorting their grand ideas in my brain.

I paused and wondered: is this somekind of grand plan from above? Or just a Wonderboy Diego at work who seemed to know that there must be some prior connection somehow. Why did it feel like I've met each one of them once in the past?

Kate feels like a co-parent: a staunch believer of  homeschooling she is – very much into alternative education. I can imagine future projects with her.

Eric and his amusing accent still ringing in my ears: I can imagine being in his high school classroom hyper-focusing on his manner of speech cuz I'm already into his global citizenship anyways. Would love to observe his teaching presence :)

Jandy, the snowy white fairest of them all ('cuz I'm so cindered):  such passion for  teacher education when I was almost giving up on it. Got tired of teacher training at some point in my life. And so I admire his courage to keep at it.

Chao, and her vision of making things better for IP Ed: I see her going places, making a go for things outside the realm of her Grade 2 classroom. She's like a flashback to my beginnings as a teacher transitioning to community-based education work, post-Mt Pinatubo eruption and right at this time of post-Taal phreatic explosion.

While engaging with them, I was imagining the prospect of  how  their ideas can turn into actual research proposals, post-Siargao.  I was thinking perhaps she will be good with writing about the framework and rationale; she'll be great with outlining all the nitty-gritty tasks in writing, budget included; he will be efficient with describing the methodology and he will be perfect with editing the whole thing, adding thingies at the right places.  So this is how it feels like to be somekind of a mentor-facilitator= seeing promise and potential then getting surprised with outcomes as to what each and everyone will be able to deliver. Suweeet.

I saw bits of pieces of myself in them. And yet now with Bobby and Sol as higher ed professors, I'm confronted with the challenge of guiding them. Like how even, right? But my PhD journey has given me the chance to trust in myself and my intuition mostly.  Ahhh, now I remember! WE ARE TRANSFORMATIVE EDUCATION. We ALL aim for innovation...and based on our gut-feels, passion, frustrations and vision.

And then there was Sue.
So subtle. Observant and engaging. Listening.
At times I see her shut off. Letting us be for really good reasons. So much confidence in us. She sets group meet ups by consulting with us. Hardly imposing but setting things on record, smoothly enough for us to remember.

We both agreed to 'play'. And play we did. From the Arduinos + Microbits, to the fellows actual testing of 'play' amidst story-data-gathering and immersing with community folks, upto the role-playing session to help our fellows rehearse, and of course, until the actual presentation, we mentors/ facilitators played along.

And of course, there was ample time to play: me joining Diego in his self-care, movement workshop; me trying to provide inputs to our fellows' presentations, engaging in the other presentations; me trying to sense what Mihaela was trying to do with her group. I was secretly listening and watching Klara do her thing with the fellows moving around and about the whole space.  One time, I was trying to observe Pieter's camera parts, like wowh.  Then of course, seeing whether I can breathe in Mona's energy then found myself worried over Anna disappearing from my sight as she went on snorkelling. 

Amidst all those, I really got more done, and this time, quite gladly = finished formatting at least 4 out of 8 chapters, and did 2 online meetings/ consultations for my chapters. Then came our finale with fellow Transformatives doing this wave movement and caught on cam...just sheer fun which others took seriously, so we did, too in the end. Pat on the shoulder for me cuz I was utterly focused for 10 straight minutes!

Collab 2020 was also sweeter catch up time with Sol and Bobby to talk about how we were all doing with our research projects. It was such a relief to get a feel of our shared stories of our doctoral lives. All this time I thought I was alone in my quest to make good.  We were all in the same boat of wanting to hurdle this PhD so we can all be together again at UPOU.

Then of course, a first time for me to take in Ria and Joyce = such youth and such intellect. Yeah, I can grow old with them, too.  It's great to see how these women got it sooo right at the onset. That's me being relaxed in the idea of retiring some day knowing that these very capable colleagues are doing the right thing. And of course, the constant teasing of future Dean AFDL to downplay and ward off the idea of a future Dean JRV. Got some quality time with near-future Dean JS.  That was a steady flow of ideas on schooling coming out of me to help her try things out differently in her school.

As we bid goodbye, I realized that was how I wanted Collab 2020 to end...with a bit of uncertainty.  For now,  I've filled my cup with these moments of being surrounded by my colleagues and fellows -- the feeling that we are all in this together, UPOU through thick and thin. It is kinda scary, this pending responsibility of institutional growth/ evolution. Don't want to think beyond what's here and now.

Ah so much drama, Aleta. But ‘tis true. When nothing in this world seems to be sustainable enough, peaceful enough, compassionate enough, what remains is the human experience – to think, to feel, to connect, to dream, to share. That should be enough right? For the time being, at least?

As for big dreams, unpopular ones, unlikely ones, it'll just fall in place at the right time. Cuz beyond the human  experience is the human spirit that will keep on moving as long as goals are noble and true.

This was Collab 2020@Siargao, and this IS me coming home after all.

One Silent Night for my VIPs v.2.019

This is 51 years spending Xmas here on earth and it truly is getting old.
I'm starting to dread going to church to SEE all the capitalist Xmas noise.

But this year should really be a good time to pause and quietly look up to thank the Lord. This is willing myself to keep memories of people cuz my tunnel vision can be hyperfocused on mere process & product.

Best wishes to this year's VIPs of my soon to be over PhD Journey v.2.0.

Let me do my greets of gratitude:

LM - I owe you for that Bukas Palad concert I attended which sealed my truerfaith in God. I understand why you had to un-friend me. But my heart can handle an overflow of pain coming from your much bigger pain. So I took it fair and square, melted it down  because I am one to get hurt & heal fast being over-loved and a keeper of little joys.  Sending over that rectangular plastic container with that  Laing dish says it all. I accept your forgiveness :)

Rachel Red - You have and will always be the bearer of my gurlish, weirdest and funniest stories of only u-know-hhhhwattdafs.  Can't believe we  have remained in touch through all these years since HS. You have listened to all my whines, grumblings and ADHD talk, confessions, misspells and pasikots included. Let's get old and stay young.

Lolita  - I forgive you and thanks for explaining. Come Christmas 2020, tell me about him. And I'll tell you - Sabi ko na nga ba, eh!

CC - We've met briefly but hit it off great. You have added color to my last few days of being at Toowoomba. Our shared stories and insights into self-doubt & our demigods, mommying and our children, giftedness and the X-men, the Guilty Feminist...need I say more? It got me thinking about femininities and masculinities and corresponding literature archetypes.
       
Anna-HEART-Alex - Yups, you are my generous and caring AirBnb hosts turned friends. Got a separate blog entry just for u2 and Dante :) Quilt+Coffee+Tuna Pesto Pizza=Lots of A-heart-A

Maria Power - Your journey and your story have been all worth it. I heart your spirit and your energy. Thanks for asking help. It's the least I could do...and I can really do mowhhh. Just holler.

Xin Yan  -  Yes, that tasty broth with cauliflower and braised beef with potatoes are the first genuinely home-cooked Chinese meals I am so thankful for. It kept me nourished through my brain-tired days & nights. Your smiles and our mix of Englishes are the only reasons I will even look up conferences in China. It should be fun to let you drive me around and see the lights.

Gu of Xin Yan - Will do my best to  treasure that beadwork ala pendant forever. Send me a pic of your dyed hair when you reach your 16th birthday.  Or better yet, let me do the dyeing for you. Then, we'll both say Happy Buthde in the Aussie accent way.

Eva - Yes, you are the only Eva I know. You have trusted me with your stories and I will keep it for a while then throw it to the wind so that my wishes will overtake it and mine will come true FOR YOU. There is a time for everything, woman. And we shall meet again someday to have that ONE smoke. Dadalhin ko mula sa Pinas para uber-mura.

Nickie - You have been a really sweet junior sis to Sigma Delta Phi Batch '87 me. I admire your loyalty, your mommy-ness, sense of fun, and sense of porma...most of all your lovely home = Shadow + children + your one and only Chef (perfume included).

Teh Dr D. - I'll take your D's anytime versus the Duterte D. Yups, my mind can afford to contain your comments found all over my chapter writing AND I WILL DO ALL the rewrites. Gahhdami and Gademet, all because I want more checks on my white paper!!! That's the least I could do in return for all the reading & fixing I put you through, not to mention the big chunk of my life drama and atypical brain I laid at your feet. You handled my work with care and I can only say 'bless you a hundredfold'.

All the above = 12 candles...HeartUAll :)

Quilt + Coffee + Tuna Pesto Pizza = Lots of A-heart-A

One day this week was about ‘when all the roads that lead to them are winding, when all the lights that light the path are blinding' = just like staring at my computer for more than 30mins, and nothing coming out of my brain, and so ME cry like toddler....a toddler who is done with her sandplay and failing to appreciate what she has made, questioning whether what she has done so for will be good enough, then asking again why she ever chose to be in this sandbox when she was quite happy & safe in her classroom.

I almost gave up on me that Friday while awaiting feedback for my Chap 4. Been imagining my weekend at BNE for days as a well deserved reward for my chapter writing. And also bec I've been postponing it for the nth time.  But I marked it on my calendar Nov 30  = 

>Difficult Methodologies - thinking of future writing, people’s narratives I'd like to capture post-PhD 

>  imagining hitching a ride with Dr Bromdal and listening to her story 

>  imagining cozy time with Alex and Ana, my first AirBnb hosts whom I’ve come to ‘heart’, especially their Dante the Foxteria.

> a museum tour former yoga teacher

I was slowly losing sight of spending a great weekend as I was on the verge of choosing chapter writing over spending time with people I care about.  

I  thought of cancelling my meeting with Dr D. And just head home and cry myself to sleep. But I sorely needed that meeting to help me ascertain next steps in my other chapters. Can’t be crying in front of him with some mucus ballooning out of my nose, eyebags bulging and all!!! So I said woman, get your act together. Imagine a 50yr.old-toddler-in-distress? My goodness, have a bit of female pride. No can do!

I re-read my RR's vibe then. I quickly watched a Swiftie video. Thought of choosing a song I could play at  Spotify.  Oasis Wonderwall just came out of the blue. It's a song which my student had in mind one time we had dessert at Sweet Inspirations. Never really paid attention to song meanings that time. Quite fitting  for this moment. Found the piano violin version and whhhallla!

Chap 7 reworking came to be.

What this distracted mind could muster to do in an hour’s time, enabled by technology at that! Flashback:

> cry > vibe-RR > music video > spotify > websearch for song lyrics meaning > back2Spotify search for an acoustic version > back2writing :)

Sustained the writing quite a bit to polish Findings section of Chap 7.

Whewww!  A truly deserved weekend. Thanking Netta in my mind and most of all A & A.  Nice talking to you over coffee, nicer playing with your Dante,  so nicer having your handmade pizza  (it went straight to my heart), much nicer sleeping under that 1st ever AirBnb quilt at your Newtown home & laughing at Will Ferrel the Elf,  much more nicer waking up to a perfect morning view,  and nicest having blueberry + banana pancakes which reminded me of my beloveds back home. Precious moments...

This should fuel me for my last few writing days at USQ Toowoomba.

It will get stressful by the day. Like thanks for the reminder Batman, haha.  But I'll hold on to these happy memories with A-heart-A. I WILL GET THIS DONE.

That #31 on the Menu

Now that #31 on the menu just bumped off those Almon Marina chops from my list= well deserved meal at El Attar which came at the right time

Wk 2 Day 1,  I decided to forego U2. Not a good way to start my week with 2 or more things in mind. I haven't eaten white rice in days.  Been spending  extra on Uber for late nights. So I was getting grumpier aaand grumpier.

Then that question - 'Why do I complicate my life?' But since I know the reasons why I chose to go for the PGECR session over spending a few more days at  GCoast area, then the note2self goes: Kitam, sabi ko na nga ba!

Wk 2 Day 4, I decided to just focus on one thing that day = polish my presentation and corresponding notes. That was practically shrinking my tale from an almost 8000-word full paper to a 1800-word piece for the sake of a presentation fit for the cozy group of PGECR/ HDR

Good thing that  Nov 15 turned out to be the energy boost I sorely needed to just get up and GO.
Got a notebook filled with notes= those vocabulary words from a feast of Englishes that day.
Last but not the least, got a double thumbs up + big smile for my presentation, btw. A face sticky to my memory, haha. It goes with my favorite Jolly biscuits = Watta Jolly good smile! I felt like a Gr 3 child wow-ing my teacher-enabler Dr D! So that's what it feels like to be on the other side.

And btw, #31 = I passed my marshmallow test. Good things come to those who wait.
Had it 4free. Thank you, Dr PD!

Night B4 the 15th

...was the night I lay in bed and for the 2nd time this year shed silent tears for this thing called PhD.
Really just tired and hangrrry.  Had nothing to do with my emo-crying moments of auto-ethno writing. In fact the act of writing my auto-ethno and presenting it was a good distraction to a bit of self-denial I'm going through. Ok, I am ready to admit that now I'm in what I can only term as a 'writing rut'.

I have with me feedback from my advisers on chapters I worked soooo hard on. While awaiting feedback and going home for a brief 2-week famtime, I learned more about auto-ethno. Back at Toowoomba, I spent 2 straight weeks to put together Chapters 4, 5, 6, and 7. Met my deadline.
Now, I am confronted with feedback for each chapter. Generally these are the stuff I know I HAVE TO handle soon:

a) moving portions from my discussion to conclusion chapters
b) adding a few statements to explain the graphs/ figures
c) moving portions from discussion to findings
d) answer the research questions

Item d) is the problematic one. I tried 3x this week to write it out, but it feels like I am just going in circles and actually faking it. Faking it because as far as I see it, the discussion portion for each chapter was framed to respond to the research sub-questions. My adviser said it hasn't been answered yet. So I highlighted the portions which to me are my answers to the R-questions. Then of course, I did not stop there. I tried to reword selected statements. The process was strumming my angst. Yes, it's this way during crunch time of paper writing in the past.  I'd drive myself to the ground to get things done and I end up just getting angrier than angry.

But wait, there's more.

This time around, I nipped anger level 2 in the bud.  I said to myself I will dedicate 1 day NOT to push myself to write, and instead, take my time in finalizing my slides. Just one thing for the day. So lahdida, I tested my slides at Room 414. Aha, this is going to work!  Continued on until 4pm, added more pics.

THEN overthinking Aleta kicked in. She checked here slides and found that the ppt was too heavy to send online. Overdoing Aleta did some repairs, went beyond 6pm. By this time, she's orehhhdi tired and hangry. PhD candidate Aleta said, STOP. Tomorrow will be fine. You don't have a track record of fugly presentations.

Whew!  The 15th turned out great. My PhD Journey is now considered as Spoken, in Aleta's kind of English, in Aleta's voice, with a willing, trusted audience.

Lessons learned:
- When angry, stop, get other things done.
- Overthinking = obssessing = really a waste of time.
  May as well spend this time enjoying people around you.
- Remember your record of successes -
- Be kinder to yourself.

...and because you relaxed before your presentation, you met a woman named Catherine.
Something about her, hmmm.  Looking forward to Fitzy's or wherever.

PS This is a good time to remember my housemate = Eva, thank you for just being around and seeing me THAT way. And for trying to make me feel better. Ang sarap sarap talaga ng Roo-ala Bistek Tagalog-with onion galore =ubod nang rami ng sibuyas version mo.  I look forward to the day when we can share 1 cigarette, from 1 Marlboro box of menthol we can both afford, or better yet, a freebie from your beloved.

Ingress to Egress 2019

I think I'm starting to feel the stress of this thing called PhD.

Signs:
1) Having more sweets
2) Having more coffee
3) Skipping lunch
4) Non-hydrating
5) Cursing my computer screen
6) More cursing and ahaaays
7) Skipping my walk-run-yoga routine
8) Mood-swinging

All because suddenly I'm realizing I only have 4 'paid' months left.
Starting to doubt myself, and with questions popping out my brain in the midst of writing -
what if my quali methods are incorrect > what if silence from my adviser means my work is awful > what if I fail to see the bigger picture > what if there is no significant contribution at all > what if my Endnote entries need to be redone > what if the Uber driver takes me someplace else ...

All of the what if's tried to get in the way while trying to polish 3 chapters in 3 straight days & nights. Have been working until 10-ish PM. But hey, sent it and met my deadline.

Just when I thought there's nothing more to give, I find there's still something else to give. So the writing, reading and thinking goes on and on.

The thing is, I'm out of that honeymoon stage with my PhD.
I'm starting to un-romanticize my Toowoomba sojourn,
ingress turning to egress in a year's time

Hard truths:
1) Toowoomba can never be my home.
2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land.
3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb.
4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background
5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU!

And so if ALL of these shall pass, what then remains:
> words written and expressed to people who truly matter
> smiles + welcomes + goodbyes
> stories untold in my email draft folder
> home-cooked Chinese meal of cauliflower and tasty broth
> my USQ campus photofile
> E2Y2R2L-FireExit-G422
>SoE Coffee Machine
> Friend St.
> Translink screenshots
> letters, cards and postcards
> Villette & The East of Eden
> Wizard's First Rule
> The Literary Apprentice
> Cafe Valeta by Queen's Park
> daydreams & near death feelings

I feel that this PhD journey is not just about my dissertation = the written product worth my people's money.

This is really about my story of failure and moments of epiphany,
a tale of proving a point all my life as a teacher,
a story of being able to pick myself up,
to finally hug my beloveds and truly deserve them.
Most of all, it's about God's promise fulfilling,
And so in return, THIS promise to pay it forward.

Only gratitude

Today marks my first panic mode day in this dissertation joyride. The panic lasted only for 2 hours, but with 1 hour taking place verrrry early morning.  It was 1:30am and still couldn't sleep.  Something about what my adviser said stuck to my brain. So I started to check flights in case I need to move my stay at Toowoomba should worse come to worst = not completing what I came here for=waste of precious funds.

It took me about halfday to figure out the source of 'why-I-wrote-my findings-and-discussion-chapters-this-way' and finally act on  a real solution. My subheadings ergo content were inconsistent for all 3 major sections of my findings and analysis = Manifestations of the Presences. So though my chunks of qualitative writing make sense to me, I need to make sure it should make sense to the reader-examiner. I spent time to understand why the flow of my work was such. It is because I structured my findings and analysis based on what was being surfaced by the data or should I say how I am interpreting my data. I was like weaving a book chapter section without regard for somekind of predictable pattern to the next few chapters. 

Anyway, in between sorting that out, I kept on telling myself, how else can you make use of your time. So, I managed to get those graphs/ charts/ tables done. While at that, I saw all these little things I have yet to do. Then it felt like my list was getting longer -- I have 3 days left to nail that f***ing chapter. Unless I hurdle that, I won't be able to start reworking 3 chapters and composing last 2 chapters. I feel like one of those Masterchef contestants having 10 minutes left.

So I finally had to stick to my original plan because finally I ruled out the other ways to write this damn thing. The thing is, my brain can't seem to stick to 1 way unless I see for sure the other ways are NOT the ways to do it. 

At 3pm, the writing pretty much flowed. 

This is when I need to express gratitude for the little things that kept me together:

> before 9am, Maria offered me this juicy mango which gave me that energy boost in the morning 

> close to lunch time, I was having sniffles. My seatmate offered me a whole tissue box so I can keep my focus

>Aiden Yeh's Go, go, go response -- that FB reply finally came, such a wait it was.

>Mauro's sudden message, like why at this time? such a coincidence, man!

> Miley Cyrus, your song lyrics kept me in a trance to get thru those nitty gritty chart repairwork

>at around lunchtime, friendly greets from 4 faves in LBlock -  one went - 'How are you, Mahal?'. She's the cutest Dr. I've come across in that side of USQ. Yeps, aesthetics do have this strange effect on my brain.

> saw Gordon Ramsey, T-Block exit while doing my routine walk - THE Gordon Ramsey of LBlock - what a voice, ahhhaaayyy :) :) 

> by 6.30pm, my Chinese housemate offered me her usual beef noodles with  cauliflower -- it tasted supergood. It's the best home-cooked Chinese food one can have after a day's work. 

Now, APowell's PGECR session on things-to-be-grateful-for has finally sank in. If only I can remember what he said exactly. I just know this friendly neighbor of a Spiderman took some time to say his thanks after nailing his thesis.

I still have a loooong way to go. Really loooong way still.
But this is assuring myself that I will nail this! Why so?...see God's message for me and you on this very day: 

I swear, if I can help ADHD/ LD ME through THIS, 

I can help any mala- Sped adult through her/ his PhD.

PhD Journey mid-2019: Taking this in SlowMow

2019 is my last year as a PhD candidate. Now working on my Chap 4 and somehow having this urge to feel than think. Being ‘home’ just for a month was a good reminder of how it means to be human and 50 at that.  

For a while back at Toowoomba, my brain has been generating THIS and THAT. My life was about making sure I survive the cold, get comfy in my room in some house where I am mostly by myself and that I get some sort of nutrition to keep me going. All those to fuel this Chap 4. No excuse to get a few things done and so I did.

The rewards:

> a brief night of nonstop dancing at  Cube Hotel with Maria

> meeting Maria

> a short but sweet weekend with A<3a risbane="" span=""><3a o:p="" risbane="">

> a week’s stay at Springfield = chancing upon Bronte’s Villette at the USQ Springfield Lib + Merlot's coffee + touching base with my native tongue – literally tasting chocnut, ube, sinigang (and any version close to it) at pananagalog nang todo todo kasama si kaisa-isang Jon Cagas, former yoga teacher & now a colleague + USQ batchmate.... post-PGECR symposium...

And of course that PGECR symposium where my  mind continued to open up and learn from all those kinds of minds

Now back in MMLA and of course could not put my mind to work. Took time to do/ have these:

Wk 1 July Family break

Wk 2 July Medical exams/ immunization, visa application, School Site visits A & B

Wk 3 July 1 week required break -NO TV NO GADGET NO WORK NO DRIVE

Wk 4 Sending survey results to Schools, drop by Builders, being with Agustin family of Butch 87 and ever loving Queenie 87.

Wk 5 last weekend with my lovey doves to briefly enjoy Virgin beach, that Chinese birthday noodles, and of course being at FED shortly to congratulate and brainstorm the new UPOU Pahinungod Director; chitchatting with Kitchie and see possible re-entry points at UPOU.

Feeling a bit swell=coming home 2019 has been all worth my time and energy just to literally be with the Agustin family, that hug of Queenie and Atel, feeding Java some jerky , short time with CAJ, and home cooked meal by my one and only Vic

Then I receive an email from my supervisor who is hoping to see some movement in this Chap 4 which generally feels like life at 50, being midway through life but actually closer to death than life.  I see my son at 15 getting through HS and his new found drama club and seeing him take more things seriously. I see my daughter finally in love at the age of 19 and seeing a totally different side of her and how fast she is getting into a sense of social justice – all because she is dorming, commuting MM, and being with all kinds of minds, the Iskolar ng Bayan kind in our one and only alma mater -  U.P. Naming Minamahal...magpa-hanggang ngayown at kaylan man!

Along with my Chap 4 came wake up calls coming from friends losing loved ones, friends having family/ life emergencies, of deaths, near deaths and pending deaths from cancer, old age or HIV.  And reality bite moments of feeling that still sorry sight of EDSA-AYALA underpass, and now the spreading stench of mall waste behind Vista Mall Sta Rosa.

Decay is inevitable...but while I haven't reached that stage yet, let me take this in slowmow...

I captured Builders kids of Luzon only this time together again as THE Visayas  class. How time flies – they are now learning to cook – hands on real knives!!! With a former student now having his go of teaching students. That’s like a replay of all the fun cooking activities during my mid-career teaching years.  Then that feeling of ‘been really there and really, really done with lots & lots of those.

Whew....!

Me human after all and finally seeing that this PhD is not the be all and end all of me. That it is happening soon and fast and knowing that when I turn 60, I'll be re-reading this…precisely why may I just press rewind, pause and read and relish these snapshots of my real life in the Phils, again, in slowmow....

We will never pass this way again.

Reposted from ePortfolio at Mahara, Article by aLeTa on 13 August 2019, 9:19 PM 

Call it ULAN

ULAN= Rain = outpouring of love and blessings

My KT ka-batch had her own share of fire, Feb 7 (my husbandry’s araw ng kapanganakan), while I had my own share of fires 2x in my lifetime of 50 years. In those times, I hadn’t had the chance to do the dirty work. Can’t count on my memory stick to remember what went on, perhaps it was a bit traumatic. What I can remember though is that in a few days, my apartment was fine….my husband’s reading clinic was fine. I thanked God we were all fine.

So I just moved on with my life as usual as if nothing happened.

My small school life and university life went on as usual.

In between these fires, I had my own struggles and trials in life as usual, without me calling for help from my ka-batches nor anyone. I just had my BFF Rachel Red and 3 counsellor friends. I lived. Don’t we all?

Day 3: And so, witnessing the site of 32 Kalinga jolted me a bit. This was THE 32 Kalinga, our Batch 87 HQ, the memorable sleepover home of my son who was classmates with KT’s daughter & son. There are hardly traces left of the room where we stayed for more than a week Year 1987. The large dining room still looks familiar though, and yes, the chandelier in the living room was still there, the same one which stayed put up there while my ka-bunches and I practiced our dance number of Hip 2BSquare (Huey Lewis). No time to reminisce more as I had to save the precious plates and rows of wine glasses. Best to start early cuz there seems to be lots to do pa.

Day 2 - Discourse analysis of MU’s messages reposted by ALF and QA are telling of urgency and immense work at hand…I can only think of a raising minimum funds among ka-batches as I really don’t know how KT is when it comes to getting ‘financial’ help. I at least felt safe that MU was there for her or that QA was in touch. Glad that ka-batches have been pledging.

Moreso, I really didn’t know whether in fact KT will welcome my presence (borne out of prior miscoms).  I asked myself: Have I even earned my right to be there in the first place? I am aware of her struggles being a co-parent in my school but KT really is the type to decide and handle everything on her own= Supermom, Superdaughter.

And that even made me think about the way we are as women – we seem to be built to  carry a lot, and  no matter how burdensome things can become, we bear it, bear it all, that we sometimes forget that we still  have a need for each other. We bury that need, keep ourselves together cuz there is so much to do.

Day 4: On my way home, I thought of my ka-batches now, especially the quiet, hardly chatty ones…how many times have we chatted away and in those chats are our hidden selves -- someone could have easily been in pain, caring for a loved one in pain...someone in a tough marriage, in depression, healing from a lost love or a miscarriage, grieving a loved one’s death, battling demons, battling cancer or even living in poverty (hayan na, I admit I am in poverty cuz middle class is the new poor in the Philippines…couldn’t afford that Sigma Delta souvenir watch…tipong saan ako bubunot ng 15k nang ganun ganun lang)

And how many times wasn’t I even there for my ka-batches even before the onslaught of social media. These days, our narratives come to us in trickles or hearsay…instagram, tweets, screenshots or even thru FB but not even as purely or as honestly as we want it to be.

Day 3: Bahala na… basta I’ll go. Buti nalang dehins trapik kapag Linggo.

I felt it’s my turn to pay it forward for those times others lent a helping hand to my family, even without me asking for help.

Finally, I see KT… a tight hug, konting teardrops, but KT is KT – her usual self = outpouring of stories and anecdotes that she hardly notices the time. I felt she was glad to see us. 

Alongside the packing it was heartwarming to see outpouring of help and offers in various, special ways since Day 2 when I contacted fellow Knollers.  It also felt like a test to my online classroom/ discourse management skills when chats, texts and calls go on and on in 2 big groups (MCHS + Batch 87) and 3 small groups (a few kabatches, a few students-former classmates of PT plus PMs with other co-parents & former classmates).

These sms-based & online exchanges = genuine concern, outpouring of love, call it Ulan kahit  mag-tatag-init na.

Perhaps it’ll take some time for the outpouring to sink into KT. She must be preoccupied --  the one and only KT ka-batch (yes, reclaiming, MY ka-batch) who takes care of her loving mom, her 3 children, her ancestral home, her La Union, their family business, her marriage for as long as she could. She is really built to manage all these, or perhaps have learned to bear it all on her own… that was obvious based on her helper’s story, the sight of crates, bubble wraps, and boxes with labels lined up by Day 3 morning.  (Day Zero): Not to mention’s KT’s story of waking up around 7am in the morning to the scent of something kinda smelling weird. (Iisa lang ang tawag dun = Super Woman / Wonder Woman/ Bionic woman o di kaya X-(Wo)MEN. Ang superhero ang tagapanguna sa pagbigay ng tulong at pinakahuling hihingi ng tulong. Hayun, diba?!)

Day 6: So, a shout out to Knollers – for keeping calm, serious, focused that by Day 4-5 you were instantly ready to make good use of your energies and resources to be there for a fellow Knoller from wherever in the Philippines or the world you are…

Of course, shout out to all ‘87 ka-batches: It’s been comforting to know we can count on each others’ time and resources, and in varied ways, mula sa pledges, bubble wrapping, inventory hanggang fragile tape…. Kahit viber hearts-hearts at palms praying symbols, mahalaga lahat…especially at our age and these days when it’s impossible to be there for each other (as warm bodies) due to our own busyness of being superwomen ourselves (plus dealing with our own life struggles), and despite the technology to connect us all.  

Hugs 2ALL.

From this Day onwards:

Someday, I know I will count on you. And I will call for help. And you will let it rain.

For now, I need a grammar guru for this blog and someone to remind me what went on Day 1.