Wednesday, May 8, 2019

'The Power of the Pen'

I've been using 'pens' lately, a lot of 'em, different kinds:
>  a bunch of highlighters to label my codes and could-be themes
> reliable black ballpens for post it notes on my charts
> broad whiteboard markers to label headings on big A5 sheets
> sweet blue ballpens on my decomposition (more of a decompression) notebook and scribble pad

Nice to know that I can still understand my handwriting when for the past months I'm always on my laptop or desktop or on my Huawei doing notes, writing my thoughts, sandwiching a 4500-word paper  and yearbook prod-work in between just by pressing on keys or abusing my mousepad, ergo my right shoulder, elbow and arm.

Soon, I hope to get back to 'letter' writing:
> a long overdue letter to my dad
> a card for my mom and Atel
> comfort postcard for Kat
> letter to Vic

All these penwork bring me back to my Pahinungod days at Tablas Island, Romblon and Cuyo Island, Palawan --lovely letters to Vic and a not so good one to some dude.

Twenty years later, I'm here at Australia. Who would have known, right?

And so, I am hoping these pens will have the power to make me connect the dots in this winding and complex path of data analysis. Quali-R now seems to be 3D puzzle I can't quite hack yet. The prior quali studies I've done were quite flat. Sure, it got me through thick descriptions and some kind of analysis I can't even remember how.

While I sat through a workshop on presentation skills, picked up a few self-help tips to help me look forward to presenting once again perhaps at AAOU or PELS (yeah, go local), an image of 'fear' got me thinking.

That fear is deeply rooted in self-doubt. I've always doubted whether I'm cut out for PhD work. But the fact that I'm still here and blogging away should be enough to assure me that I'm cut out for the work. Hellow, Aleta, got done with CoC and data gathering, what other proof are you searching for.

Then again, I am now able to put into words the very particular fear I have: that is whether my output will be good enough -- an examineable thesis of the USQ kind= having coherence,  complexity, and major contribution to the field. The other C comes from U.P. = that it is cost-effective -- will it be worth the 3.6 million bucks worth of grant in Filipino pesos-es.

The only  assurance I have is this: that all the barriers have been removed -- that there really is no reason for me to fail unless I do it on purpose.

So, I shall press on, make the most of these pens alongside NVivo-ing + focused thinking + focused reading + Chapter 4 writing...and find those words said by S. Peck (1978), “Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future.”

Me being here working until about 7.30-ish pm lately (and walking home in the cold) is the least thing I could do. Can't use my pen to cast my vote for Otso Diretso. But I'll use all the power I can muster within me to finally write this thesis, get done, graduate and publish in time for the next Philippine presidential election.