Dear 18 year old

 Dear 18-year old,

I'm writing this to help you remember, that around the same time last year, on your birthday week/month, a lot has happened. And I mean a lot, from all ends, your life included.

Perhaps by this time that you are reading this, it's highly possible that:

> there are more unexpected deaths in our family and among friends

> your school is still closed for f2f classes

> your academic load hasn't eased up

> we are still doing WFH

> you are grappling with this and that in your mind

>you still have questions

>we have been finally vaccinated vs Covid19

And yet,  your sister and I would be seated together at our dinner table and recalling another year of our lives and how our experiences have turned from bad to worse. Your sister could be cracking a joke in an effort to avoid getting 'unhinged' (her words not mine). And you will be seated with us simply listening and absorbing it all. 

But since you are now 18, you know better.

A parent would always want a better world for their children and I really am sorry to see that this ain't forthcoming yet. And, I am sorry for having passed on something else to you. I guess, there's not much I can do to 'protect' you from all these, son. It is what it is. 

But this I remember well. During OUR very tough and trying times, you have kept to who you are. When I thought I was missing pieces of you, or even thought hard that if I were to lose those pieces of you, I know what I will hold dear about you in my heart, and that piece of you will forever remain, that is -  you held my hand and you pat my shoulder and you listened when I asked you to PROMISE ME that you will be well.  And yes you have become well.  In those days after, you bring to the table some fond memory :)

Then 7 weeks after that, things became bleak. I tore up and told God, eee-nough! Only because I could not imagine - gumuho ba bigla mga panaginip mo sa buhay? So paminsan, iniisip ko, paano ko ba pwedeng gawing sapat ang mga pangyayari sa buhay mo.  I'm really not the best person to even tell you what 'well' means. Cuz when I look back to my years, it's been a journey of 'unwellness' and yet I have such great memories of people, adventures and heavenly moments which have made those unwell years very much liveable... and loveable.

Now that you are 18, it really is your life to live and your world to make something out of. And that as your mother, I won't be one to promise you that life will be better. YOU KNOW life ain't a bed of roses. That life can be bad news on certain days. (And yet once in a while you will always pull out a fond memory or two...of Builders, of life at Hardin, of Java and Mikasa, of Cavite, of Lola Juliet.) And still it can be back to feeling just as worse in a span of 3-5 days or even a 2-week all time low.

But I am one who will give you that space to feel what needs to be felt, until things get numb. I will be the one to pray in those times when you believe otherwise. I will be the one to try to listen even if deep inside me, I feel I am just about to cry and fall apart, and appear not to fall apart cuz I need to pay attention and listen. I will do my best to keep quiet and see you through it, until a smile pops up. And that it is ok, if that is just for a moment or two.

I am no superwoman, nor a supermom, but I'm just here while I still CAN BE here, BE still and KNOW you are well. 

2020, the year that was

 Ahhh, the usual messages from friends to reflect on this 2020.

When Oscar the Grouch Tweet just goes "Scram 2020".  I've been wishing for  this 2020 to end, just to forget all the baaaad things which have come our way in the Philippines where people still continue to worship a populist leader, like my kababayans never learn. So many other things could have been avoided if not for lousy, un/misinformed decision-making and the failure for my people to see that. I feel 2021 will be an extended play version of 2020 not because an unstoppable God wills it, nor can he simply runneth over this leader and his kampons. It is what it is = consequences of poor choices WE must all bear for years to come.

I really just need to do this for a friend and in so doing, perhaps I can still be hopeful for 2021, for the sake of my loved ones, my UPoU students, my parents and also so as not to put my hard-earned PhD to waste in this lifetime of mine. 

Here goes....

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? I should say, the single best thing that happened would be completing this PhD so I that I was able to keep my sanity and got back to work without further delay.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? Still, the research journey amidst this pandemic.

3. What was your best decision of the year?Letting go of that phase of my life because the PhD changes you. In the letting go, I have forgiven myself and that the right time will come for me to realize that letting go was a good thing still. 

4. What was your worst decision?

The worst was still trying to book a flight so that I can get things done at USQ Toowoomba. And with this bad decision, you still feel God's protective hand and firm reminder coming from my son who said "Nanay, I think you shouldn't go."

5. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

An unexpected joy was joy I felt when I saw my parents about 2x-3x year.

I found myself crying and telling them 'a mother's wishes for her children'. I was there, on their bed and in between them. I cried and opened up. I hugged my dad and was utterly thankful that he came back to my mom.

6. Where was the majority of time and energy spent?

The majority of time and energy was spent on writing, thinking, reading, writing BUT this time, alongside my housemates who have long accepted me for who I am. And that also meant making effort to show more gratitude through breakfast, Q-time with my children and the Lazo Clan, and simply being more present in the moment.

7. What were the important skills you learned?

Stepping back and self-regulating...realizing that there is inner-strength.

8. How would you summarize or describe the year?

This is hard so I would not even try. Then again...

2020= was the year of could haves but just couldn't and so what. Life isn't measured by 'yearly thingies' rather moments in time, co-centric circles and upward-downward spirals. Just like research, life can be messy, fuzzy, crazy, and still lovely. 

Glad to have survived this...and thankful for the chance to be with family.

4....3...2..1 Earth below Me

The thought of dying is getting to be truer than ever these days. A brod and sis passed away. Anytime I know it could be my parents' time or even mine. 

A terrible headache awakened me the other morning. A strange experience it was. As Vic held my hand I started to consider what if in fact I am sick of something. Hmmm, can I be given a bit of time to say thanks and say a few wishes to come true.

I thank YOU for my Zambales, Tarlac, Cuyo, and Romblon experience.

I thank YOU for those boat trips.

I thank YOU for ALL the kids of The Builders' School.

I thank YOU for the book and the new grant and the luxury of time to engage in research. 

I thank YOU for all the travels & adventures on Earth.

I thank YOU for the fun we've had since high school.

I thank YOU for all the love and care, for holding my hand in so many ways.

I thank YOU for listening to all my woes and troubles, little joys.

I thank YOU for all the help in my dissertation, finish it for me in case I no longer can.

I thank YOU for reminding me to give you a hug and a kiss. It felt really good to stay a while on your bed and be with you both to express my wishes for my children. I thank YOU for U.P. and my education.

I wish for YOU to have some time to enjoy having a new partner for a change, have time to do your PhD & travel more. I wish for YOU to have relaxed time to read your best-loved books. Please keep your hair that way, too.

I wish for YOU to become the Guidance Counselor you want to be, and have  a happy married life you planned on having while at Grade 3.

I wish for YOU to continue taking care of your father and your brother. I still wish that you consider studying & settling abroad then come back once you are more prepared to handle the Philippines.

I wish for YOU to find the love you can live with and grow old with.

I wish for YOU to complete your thesis and see all your sons grow old.

I wish for YOU to have another child because I know your son will enjoy having a sibling.

I wish for YOU both to live longer so you can still be with my children and enjoy their jokes.

I wish for YOU to see your daughter graduate.

I wish for YOU to achieve your dreams and make your parents proud and happy.

I wish for both of YOU to keep strong.

I wish for you to live long enough to see my son's wedding.

That was ALL I could think of for a few minutes.

Yeah, I think can say goodbye if I have to.

Look2my M&Ms

Got over that 2-week all time low as far as PhD v.2.0 is concerned.

Yes, I did it. I've been a 3B@home and officially yesterday. That's like a triple whammy to my housemates.  I'm hoping the last of it was yesterday when I turned our living area into MY WORKSPACE.

Java, the spoiled pet, has taken over the house. He messes with our sofa, his hair and smell are all over the place. And his master, same same. My M makes a mess of our study table we share in his messier room that I'm forced to settle with a small table in the living area. Grrrr!

So when Divine was here for a day, we moved things. I put my son to work on a Sunday morning.
I now have W.I.W :)  But that took lashing out on Mauro and his Java. Don't care. They both lived.
We all did at least for that day when there was a Level 2-3 warning, escalating to Level 4 =
ashfall, phreatic explosion, which could lead to Level 5 = eruption.

While my husbandry was away, we shut our windows. Then my daughter and I managed to cook dinner pasta right out of the bottled veggie sauce. I go, let's have our soda, open that small can of chicken liver pate and have our last few slices of bread. I was thinking, if this were our last decent meal, then it should be good enough.

After dinner, and in 5 mins, we secured GoBags then stayed in Mauro's cleaner room. How divine, so thanks Divine ;)

For a minute, I felt > I'm glad to be back home with my teenagers who are more aware than ever. We now share a passion for being anti-DDS and pro-SNL and Korean chicken & beer then Bing-su. One is getting hairier and in-friend, in-love. His love language is getting me all the little things from a nearby Sari sari store. Another is plainly having the love of her life for the 1st time and a year oredi. She gives me good advice from her Tarot reading.  They are no longer the kids I had to protect from ME.

And then of course, our Java -- who puts up with my moodiness and inconsistencies -- it breaks his napping times. He's one to forgive me so easily and playing cute with me lately.

For a minute, all cozy together in Mausie's room, with Sprite in hand and salted eggs chips,
I felt, WE can survive this.  While my husband is out to take care of his parents like he always does, we got all his reminders covered.

This goes without saying that WE can survive ME, my PhD...and a Level 5 alert if it comes to that.

Love Letters to my M&Ms

Dearest Miranda,

Something up there in the clouds which make me thank God for wishes granted, past blessings and surprises which have yet to come. You know, He does that. This Queensland trip was one.

It was a good wait to get into a Phd and He finally made it happen.

But definitely, you Miranda, is a wish granted.

I prayed for a girl, to be different from me, so that she wouldn’t have to deal with how it is to be me (strange and all). What I got was someone strange-er – hardworking, determined, committed, in love with animated characters, with a dry sense of humor and so prettier with her lipstick on.

The thing is, I was only able to wish up to your high school. And you got that together….and soooo DONE soon. The rest of it, I trust you will create. And being the person that you are now, I know you will move forward.

But before that even happens, can we pause a while?…and just take time to thank the Lord for watching over you.

Now should be a good time for a new set of wishes. My prayers are:

1)      That He keeps you safe all through College so that you land a job to keep yourself happy and comfortable.

2)      That He gives you strength to hurdle daily challenges

3)      That you eventually learn to take care of others in the manner that your family, friends and other  loved ones have taken good care of you

4)      That you gain a thankful heart and eventually learn to rely on Him for anything small or big

The choice to give back, and how to be blessing to others is your part to figure out.

There is no harm in  having a little faith and a humble heart to ask God for your heart’s desire.

High school is to feed your mind. Learning goes on during your lifetime for as long as you have a good brain. While at that, you will feed your heart and soul…whatever and however that means.

Much love,

Nanay

Mauro, my dearest !!!

Last trip to Australia, I had wishes for Miranda dear…and it has happened.

Back then, I had no wishes for you just yet. You were just a kid with your dad in some apartment…very much a gradeschooler.

But now, you are 13!  So now, I have asked the Lord  a few things for you…and I will secretly, sincerely and fervently pray for those wishes to come true.

The thing is, I can not tell. You know in the Bible, when God revealed Himself to Mary…Mary didn’t go around proudly and loudly speaking of God’s revelations. She savored the good news in her heart.

So maybe this time, I’ll try to be more like Mary (than Jonah, Mary Magdalene or a Prodigal Son or a Good Samaritan).  My wishes for you are meant to stay first in my heart. This is because I don’t want my wishes to get in the way of what YOUR OWN WISHES will be.

Here are the present ‘likes’ that I hope you will like, too:

1)      Id like for you to really enjoy high school and having new friends.

2)      Id like for you to be a great friend to any boy and girl who needs your brand of friendship.

3)      Id like for you to keep your love for sports and drawing and painting as it is something only You in the family can manage to do

4)      Id like for you to continue helping your dad cook

5)      Id like for you to check on your sister and your lola most of all

6)      Kiss, hug and pray for your dad and Miranda every night…and ME, too.

There…. Send me by FB messenger the exact art stuff that you said you wanted.

The thing is, if it’s Made in China, may as well get it through Lazada (for Xmas)…

I really don’t know what art stuff you can get from here.

But I promise steak dinners should be forthcoming.

There….

Just 4D Record III

O heto pa..rubbing this in the nth time!

Cc: Office of Education Research <edn.research@qut.edu.au>

Dear Juliet,

Thank you for your email. We appreciate the reasons for which you have chosen to decline your scholarship offer, your daughter is very lucky to have such a caring parent!

We welcome a future application for admission and scholarship from you when you have an opportunity to try again.

With best wishes
Caitlin

Caring parent nga naman ako at gusto ko rin yun...

Timestamp: Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM

Happy anniversary! Yeps, I would like to see it this way instead...a chance to renew vows/ commitments to myself, but this time, adding back my faith in God pair of lens which I removed for about 2-3 years. I figured, my life becomes more colorful with having  more faith in His presence. And so I am here again, facing God  and as always...and I mean always, the timing of things...how can such timing be perfect and how can it happen during critical points in my life?

Atheism is such a great philosophy and a selfie kind of religion but it can never ever explain 'patterns' nor 'connectedness'. Everything  simply follows a logical cause effect  based on one's decisions. It can never explain glitches. But then glitches and sudden turns are the ones worth capturing in life.

Here is one glitch--
I received word from QUT, quite unexpectedly. I  thought I had forgotten this dream of studies abroad. But howcome I am not delighted at all and it kinda felt like this: Pambihira naman, oo, WTF is this about!!! Is this adding insult to injury!  Is this some kind of reminder that I have to give up this dream, BE HERE and NOT there because anytime I can lose a loved one---my sister, my mom, my best friend or the father of my children. Like bring it on, Lord. I'm cutting a few ties anyways so why not do all these at the same time. Take EVERYthing away...and let life be just "a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes...."

It was very much like that for a day or 2 and even moments. And I guess it  will continue to be every now and then when I think of life's uncertainties.

I tried to whine but then  this person I cant seem to fathom says these:

balikan mo ang intensyon mo: bakit gusto mong mag-aral abroad?

dream?

personal goal?

source of pride?

tapos ijuxtapose mo sa kung anong ginagawa mo ngayon

kung alin ang mas mayimbang, doon ka

take the choice that will make you whole

God does not give what one does not deserve.
And He always gives more not less.

So ok....OKAAAAYYYY.
I shall define and always go back to this every year if this is what it takes!!!

I am here and let my why's count:

Why I even wished for this
I was 44 then and on my 6th year at UPOU and my school. It was the time that I felt quite settled being where I am and doing what was there to do. It was a time of rest seeing that anything I can set myself to do gets done and my work benefits my children, my need to for creative and academic pursuits, and yet with 1 more thing which has become a source of obssession for 2 years running.
I wanted to  finally have the chance to do my theses which had to take a backseat because my small school concerns, and my UPOU work had more pressing matters. My small school and UPOU were the sources of my research ideas anyways.

My limited brains   have never worked for something THIS hard. It is difficult to start with due to how my brains work and doubly difficult because when I started my doctoral studies, it was around the same time I was into major life projects.  My studies have draaaggged on until I decided to quit because again, my kind of brains cannot work with the kind of adviser I have. The only choice was to test my theses with some other university.

I said to myself, I was really just settling for PhD Curriculum Studies in my alma mater so when I already had a change of heart and was determined to pursue something more related to online education and virtual high schools,  I started to look forward to the idea of just being on my own, in another university,  away and detached from the cares of the world and just do research-- a space just for me and my ideas...just be selfish, right? why not?

Add to the above is the idea of  a self test--how long  will I be able to  live my life away from my loved ones who seem to be resilient enough to live their lives without me. And to get all these done while I can still afford to do so. Can I rely on myself entirely? be accountable for my finances? be decent enough within the boundaries of decency I alone can command?

Plus, since I imagined myself growing old at UPOU, the only way to grow old and still remain actively engaged  is to get into research projects with my colleagues, and not settle for the usual research pursuits of mine. If I were to stay long at UPOU, then I must be prepared to work with my colleagues who are just as committed and qualified to do things. Having an EdD to me will be my track record of sustained and focused attention, logical thinking, clarity of mind, concrete theoretical contribution --I was after proving to myself that I can make my brains work in a certain way if I am to go on at UPOU to bring more change through committee work and research projects.

 It was a stark difference to what I know I am already capable of doing--creative work=life projects which I never planned getting into but simply dared do as part of my commitment to my children, and my profession. So far, I have no regrets.

Blah blah...

Why an alternate future?
Around Sept-Oct 2013, I started to think of a Plan B=an alternate future. I started getting in touch with Mailin. Later on,  she asked for my CV and so I gave it more thought.  My email records say these:

Timestamp 1: Tue, Nov 26, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Pag-iisipan ko yung part time.  Ano ba merong mga job openings ngayon sa Beacon Acad?

Timestamp 2:  Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM

 And now that I want Miranda in a really good high school system, I will do what it takes to afford it (if I can) and contribute to the vision and work of a HS which will take her in....

I am submitting my CV here, because doing so will contribute to the confusion I am in. Perhaps, eventually, circumstances will push me to a decision I will be happy with.

Timestamp 3:Sat, Apr 5, 2014 at 11:59 PM
Re: hindi ako makahinga....

It is a provisional YES as of the moment until I iron out matters with my Dean. 

It's an offer I cannot say 'no' to because the opportunity sounds great, for both Miranda and I.

Huling huli ka, Aleta. Happy Anniversary!

The choice then is to go for Beacon Academy. It is an alternate future I have decided to delve into, with so much uncertainty,  and the only certain thing about it is this: my daughter gets a chance to go for an education she chose (which I may have influenced a bit...). And so I am here to support the institution which accepted her.

Looking back, I'd have to say, Miranda, my dearest daughter, has for the 2nd time paved the way for me. She is one reason why I dared set up a small school, and also the same reason why I shall move on to another school. My Mauro, on the other hand, will always be the survivor who will adjust to his mother's needs (he was the baby I was breastfeeding in the midst of my  at U.P Graduate Admission Test...kung saan si Robin ang proctor at may sumulpot na ahas sa Benitez Theatre habang nag-eeksam ako) since he is very much capable of seeking attention from different people to fill his needs.

Whatever rewards, risks and heartaches I shall embrace  as part of THIS experience.

But in all honesty, why choose to be here...NOW?
It is a good time to be here with my beloveds and still make space for dearies.

I'd like to spend this time of my life, here and NOW for simple joys to save in my happy memory stick... sooo much memories to look back to when I'm 60, and perhaps it'll keep me afloat for painful truths I can never escape but can only face in the years to come. 

On a gut-feel level, it does feel right to be here, anyways.

As for 2016-2017...let's see!

You Saying No to a Computer for Xmas!!!

Miranda dear, your father had this neat idea and asked you my M&M's whether you'd like a brand new desktop for Christmas. Of course Mauro asked what a desktop is because all he sees us using are laptops. But you vehemently said NO! You go, you already have a laptop and you would not want to be a computer addict. So I go, is that what Nanay is already? Of course you gave me that usual look only you can give me your Nanay. I kinda sensed why so I merely verbalized your thoughts: "So you don't like a computer because it's practically my work over the computer which takes up much of my time--and this is actually time away from you."

I assume that you daughter is quite content with having me as your teacher and you see me everyday anyways. I assume that your cousin Sam keeps you company like everything else: your books, tv time, books, video games, more books, your phone, your books, your laptop, your books, etc. I can't seem to understand your need of my company at all. Honestly, I don't even know if my company is good at all for you. You and Mauro get along at home pretty much. Your dad and you spend quality time. So what am I for?

So upon hearing me verbalize your thoughts, you kept quiet and I just had to hold you close to me....I think you tears were about to crawl out of your eyes then. It made think for a moment about my incapacities or little moments when I've failed to be just around for you and simply be.

Just the same, I went back to work. Perhaps you won't be able to understand me now and perhaps you may never will.  I rest in the idea that you are who you are and I'm glad enough I have not seen myself in you yet. It gives me a sense that you will grow up to be you, maybe a better mom to your kids in case you choose to have your own.

Now, I just tucked you in for the night. And the mood seems to be lighter so I ask, what do miss about us being together---you go ice cream---yeah our ice cream moments afterschool whenever I drive you back home and we pass by Ministop for a snack.  Then you say "Starbucks"--I treat you to a high end snack after seeing Dr Jamie. Then you say.."Japanese Food"...yups that's like Teriyaki Boy every payday.

Hmmm, makes me look back a bit....
I thought caring for you as a fulltime mom while in Aussie land when you were 3 yrs old was enough. I thought  a year of breastfeeding was good enough. I thought baking your bday cakes for the first 6 yrs of your life was quite alright.  Or driving you to Hawaiian dance lessons one summer was already fine. I should stop now as mommyhood is in fact a lifetime committment I need to remember while I still can!

These  little things you ask for shouldn't be hard to do after all. No worries then. Nanay hasn't given up on herself in becoming a better Nanay for you me love.

M&M's 2011

So what have we been up to lately?

My Mauro
You just turned 7 this year and now worthy of becoming Grade 1. For a year, we've been harping on your inconsistent handwriting while marvel at your thoughts, questions and sense of humor. Last summer, you were into swimming, now you're into soccer. You've been spending worthy time with your cousin Jaco and have been clapping your palms on your knees for 2 weeks to get that sound you're after. I still wonder if you finally got that sound you were aiming for. You lost 1 tooth and about to lose another one. From time to time your emotional you surface and Nanay has to be around to help you think. Allow me to describe our latest incident...

You just started with your dance lessons with Lucas. But then, you were also spending time with Jaco. You want to spend more time with Jaco and see your dance lessons as an obstacle to what you want. You feel helpless because you want to argue your way through it. You come up with all kinds of excuses but you know very well that these reasons were unacceptable. As usual, you want to have your way but Nanay is insistent that you cannot simply back off from your dance lesson committment to be with Jaco since not even Jaco can be with you everyday. So you tearfully explain things to me--making problems out of nothing is what I see. From my view, I want you to see clearly why things cannot be the way you want them to be. So I had to make this text of days spread throughout the week to show you Jaco's busy days and your busy days. It was obvious that you can't be together everyday. You saw that of course but you needed time to sort out your feelings. As your nanay I was torn between taking you in my arms and letting you cry OR letting you simply take it for what it is. I chose the latter. I told you that you still have time to sort out your feelings but at 10am, we just have to go and get your dance lessons over with. True enough, by 10am you were ready to go. Ate Josie had to take you cuz Nanay needed to work on some grades as she has her won targets to meet for that day. That cheered you up a bit. You are now looking forward to spending time with Jaco the next day, as that was one thing you saw from the schedule. Such as it is, anak!

My Miranda
You give me these sad, bored. disinterested look these days especially in the mornings once you wake up and have break-musal (=breakfast=almusal). This is like half of you being pre-teen. At times, you just go right ahead and give me a cuddle and a hug just like how you were when you were once my baby. Yeah, I sometimes forget that you still crave for warmth. I always assume that you hardly have any need for a nanay cuz you have grown to be the Miranda that you are. You still bury yourself in books. Your taste has widened and your growing vocab attest to that. In one sitting, you can artfully come up with a good paragraph. Your retelling of jokes and stories shows your memory for details. Now, you are committed to doing your guitar lessons and spending fun times with your cousin Samantha.Sometimes I just sit in amazement with what you are able to do and clearly you have always been your own self.

And you are still very much a child, still seeking my company and requesting for a tucking in at night before you go to bed. You ask about which clothes go together. You are still fond of clay, painting, and plant vs zombies. One time, you amused yourself by listing all the names and characters of this video game. You remembered around 60 or more names. You were saddened by the fact that your Easter egg broke :(

My first born....yes, you have made a mother out of me. I know that I am not a perfect mom, and never will be. No matter how I try to think that perhaps I've let go of that role due to other things I am busy with in my life, you still see me as that..out of need or out of love perhaps? I guess that should be fine, right?

I look forward to the day when I hope that you will see me as a friend or as any other person who makes you think, wonder and question life or even fight battles with.

First battle this year, is your hair. Sooo proud that you've won it! Love you, dearly.

Did I give birth to a Donkey? or hwhaat?

Around the same time last month, we had our LOTR rerun. This time you were paying attention. Ate Da, Tatay and I totally get the movie since we've seen this for the nth time. So we just watch in silence. But you, Mauro boy, now at 6.9 yrs old, have all these questions for every scene. You throw a question then end it consistently this way: "....ha? ha? ha Tatay? ha?" At first, it's kinda amusing, but it's getting quite irritating cuz now I'm wondering whether I gave birth to a mouse or to a donkey cuz I'm feeling like a Shrek with all your questions.

Then again, you never cease to amuse me. Even with your mood swings, I still feel like the luckiest nanay alive cuz I get to hug you anytime, tease you anytime, smell you anytime, make gigil you anytime. I see how you make Annika smile with your jokes in class. I see how you get excited over school. I see how you can be driven to make things and how you seek Ate Da's help when frustrated. I see you get your way with this and that. I witness how you instantly call the attention of older children, teachers and parents over at Tatay's reading clinic. You do engage them in good conversation. Your latest fan is a 6'4 hunk of a Teacher Andrew. You got him to give you his basketball jersey and he's been saving your pics in his cellphone. You've been entertaining each other by playing 'monsters' on a sheet of paper. You've charmed him enough to make him stay fulltime with us. He's a good teacher find, as good as Teacher Chella and I really am hoping they stick around. Because if so, this tells me that I can give a fews things a GO, no more excuses. It's either I take things slow or I'm in for a major decision next year.

I can let go of other stuff I simply do not have the energy for so I can get to do what I've been postponing to do for the nth time--decluttering, letting go, cleaning up. There's a pile of stuff in one room I need to fix. Bags of toys and clothes to be sorted out, etc etc etc. I need to get back to stuff-ies I've postponed for 2 years since I broke a plate. I thought I'd throw it all away just like that. But then I found the pieces and glued it all up.

I can now live with myself again..... only because you, Ate Da and Tatay are the way you are. In case you'd turn out to be a donkey and not a mouse, or become an illustrator-dentist-diver-soccer player (that's according to your proclamations since the age of 4), I sure hope you can live with yourself as well. If not, I'll try to return the favor.

Paper Trail

So last week, here's a trail of your paper creations...Wolverine claws, Spiderman figures, penguin patterns, a supercool dinosaur drawing, your handprints just the way we did it in school. One night you worked till about 10.30PM on these tiny drawings and you seriously wanted to do your handwriting exercises in your efforts to prove that you deserve to be at Grade 1. You're just too young, anak! Hmmmm, let's see?
Prove your worth, perhaps or if you can do something about your milk teeth, by all means join the class picture of Grade 1 Bungi's. Now isn't that a neat class name, like the rest of these: Grade 2 Bungal Pa Rin, Grade 3 Amoy Araw, Grade 4 Maasim, Grade 5 Malapit na, Grade 6 Anghit, Grade 7 Anghit at Iba Pa...Okie stopping here for your own sake.

If you Give a Mouse a Piece of Paper...

...you'll never see the end of it. There's paper on my bed, paper under your bed, paper-cut ups on my antique dresser, more paper on our sala, paper scraps on the sofa, paper on the dinner table. Then you got upset when I told you to clean up your mess. Mostly, you were utterly delighted with your paper creations. This week's neat finds: 2 swords, paper planes and fans with doodles, a mustache you taped right below your nose, a plastic food container you stuffed with paper and tape, then labelled it with words only you can understand. I almost forgot, your paper avatar cards. Sooooo much paper around the house. May ents haunt you in your dreams... may you meet a mousegirl who's messier than your nanay so you'd clean up after her. In the meantime, may I nibble your ears. It's looking like cheese these days.