Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Ang OA Mo!

Sabi ko nga, gusto ko na nang tahimik na Pasko hanggang Bagong Taon.
Marahil tumatanda na nga ako. At sa pagtuntong ko ng 46 ngayong taon, nakahanap ako ng katahimikan sa pamamagitan ng ganire:  simpleng oras kasama ang aking mga pinahahalagahan sa buhay.

Gusto kong manahimik nang sandali upang tandaan sila ngayong 2015 dahil sa susunod na Pasko, gagawa ako ng paraan para makapiling silang muli:

RR - buti nalang may FB messenger at gusto ko nang isang taon pang ongoing chat tayo
AJ at BL - aabangan ko ang susunod na kabanata
DM - hanggang sa muling kwentuhan tungkol sa pag-ibig at mga kinahihibangan
CC - tumatanda na talaga tayo at kay sarap malaman na may mga bago tayong mga tanong at nais    
         pang harapin sa ating buhay

Isang munting sorpresa:
FT - napaka-instant ng date natin at para bagang  ang tagal na nating magkakilala ano?

UP Rep -sige, kaya ko pa kayong ka-groupie ng 1 pang taon

At higit sa lahat, sa aking mga kapatid--tayo tayo rin naman ang mag-aalaga sa isa't isa diba.

Sa isang banda, napaka-walang kasiguruhan nang kinabukasan sa taong 2015.
At alam ko rin, muli akong bibisitahin ng pag-aalinlangan, takot, duda at mga what if's.
Subalit sana panandalian ko lamang maiisip ang mga yaon. Imbis, magdarasal nalang ako
upang patuloy na magkaroon ng lakas sa mga daraanang karanasan sa buhay.

And most of all, there will always be fun and delight in small things!
Ang OA mo...


Friday, December 26, 2014

God speaks...in Verrry Weird Ways

I started my day visiting a wake, more to touch base with UP REP folks, and also to express my condolences to Jay Santiago. I cannot imagine what he is going through right now.

I remember Jay and Myleen to be a couple very much into each other during our college days. I also knew then that Jay was really fallen. He seemed to be the kind who falls in love with the idea of love--but with Myleen, it was different because it was real love. Jay was the kind of person who will go out of his way to show  how much he cared for a loved one, also as a way to express that he needed to be cared for in return. Myleen was the perfect person to give that.

The necro, however, showed me a different side to J&M.  At least, it allowed me to understand who they are as a married couple. Seems to be a turbulent marriage but what marriage isn't?  Jay was very honest with his story of Myleen. Even the eldest daughter was honest and brave--very Myleen.
Myleen's family was clearly a message of courage to go on, of strength which can only come from God alone.

Perhaps when the time comes that I have to be the one to stand in front of others and speak  of my beloved, I will just have to be as strong...and look back to this birthday when God has spoken once again through people and experiences, and in moments when you least expect.

Here is today's message I take home with me on my 46th year on earth:

>The presence of UP Rep folks and getting reconnected at this time.
Response: Keep in touch with folks from way back. Make it significant while it lasts.

>The mother spoke of the kind of daughter Myleen is.
Response: Tipong Lord naman, sige na.
                  Okie, I will try for the nth time kahit give up na give up na ako sa chang-inang nanay ko.

>The priest's message--Be passionate, just like Myleen. Be free. Enjoy the simplest things in life.
Response: Go ahead and live life to the fullest, no regrets. You made the right choice to stay here, Aleta, and live life to the fullest at this time of your life. See the little things God is giving you.

>The BP song by LM: Ang Pupuno sa Akin, replaying as I drive home
Response:  Omgahhd, Aleta. Ang boba mo, ngayon mo lang napakinggan mabuti at nakuha ang kahulugan ng awiting iyon. Myleen may not have seen clearly everything she wanted to happen in her life or could have experienced in case she has chosen to stay with us. Her soul shall rest in peace.  As for us, the living, things will come and go, just like anything in life. God giveth and God taketh away--He took away almost everything, if that was the only way for me to see Him and Him alone.

Surrender na po ako, Panginoon.

Today is the weirdest birthday I have ever had. A mix of sadness and joy, pleasure and pain---above all these is the Lord who will find the means to reveal Himself in ways we least expect.

Happy Birthday...

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Morantic Xmas Eve Moment...Oh, Really Now!

So picture this:

Vic nakapambahay na puting T shirt, bakat ang dibdib, at kita ang kanyang mapoteng leeg. Haaay....pinagmasdan ko saglit ang kagandahan niya habang namamalengke kami sa ilalim ng ulan dito sa palengke ng Cavite City. Ang theme song na tumatakbo sa utak ko, Eheads version: "Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw, damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwaaaahahahah, tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka..."

Soooo morantic! Mga 5 minuto din naman nagtagal yaong moment na 'yon.  May pa sulyap sulyap pa at pa ngiti ngiti ang aking butihing asawang dakilang tagapamalengke ng kanyang mag-anak. Natuwa sya marahil dahil matagal ko nang di ginagawa ang ganito--sinasamahan sya sa palengke.

'Pag matagal na kaseng kayong nagsasama, may mga bagay na sa totoo lang ay nakakasawa. Ako  din naman ay di mapagpanggap. May ilang taon na rin akong tinatamad sa pagpunta sa Cavite: pagdaos ng semana santa, visita iglesia, piyesta, prosesyon, araw ng patay---lahat na ng tradisyon ng pamilyang Villanueva. Kinailangan ko lang ng panahong gawin ang gusto kong gawin dahil gusto ko at hindi dahil gusto ng asawa ko o dahil inaasahan itong gawin ko bilang ina para sa pagbubuklod ng pamilya. Sinubukan din naman akong unawain ni Vic. Matagal ding panahon yung pagtyatyaga nya sa aking karamutan at pangangailangan ng oras sa sarili dahil di nga ako  martir na Pilipina. Unang-una, hindi talaga ako Katoliko.  Ilang taon akong soloista bago ako nag-asawa.  Di ko rin maalis ang pagiging ganun kahit nag-asawa na ako.

Subalit ngayong araw na ito, sinubukan ko lang muli ang pagiging butihing asawa. Nagkaroon ako ng saglit na morantic moment bilang munting paalala sa sarili ko na ang pagmamahal ay may katumbas na kilos na pang-araw araw=simpleng oras na samahan ang katuwang ko sa palengke. Hayun na muna.

But then after 20 minutes or so, waiting for Vicky husbandry to finish purchase of dry goods cuz obviously I got bored na doing the rounds with him in the wet goods area, my pagka-Knoller and ADHD kicked in. I had to request to stay in 1 spot cuz I could not stand the sight of slaughtered cow, raw beef and bones and all, as if I am an animal lover which I am totally not. The mozzies were enjoying my calves, and my mind was trying to find ways to entertain me while killing time.

Nasaan na ba si Vic!!! Errrr...

Nahalata nung mamang  maggugulay sa tabi ko ang aking pagka-inip kaya inalok nya akong maupo. Ang manang naman sa harap ko, sumubo ng pandesal at sinabi pang "Kain tayo." Samantalang iniisip ko: "Dont we all deserve a cleaner market in the Philippines!!!!". Umiral ang kaartehan ko na di ko man lang inisip na ganito ang buhay ng mga tao sa palengke, sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos. At marahil umaasa lang naman sila nang maayos na buhay kapalit ng trabahong ginagawa nila  araw araw dito sa maruming palengke ng CC.

Kaya hayun...saglit na saglit lang tumakbo ang theme song sa utak ko. Pambihirang maulang Xmas Eve! Nakakapanubok na Pasko!  Sana umayos kahit paano mamaya. Ilang minutong pananahimik ang hiling ko, marahil upang pag-isipan ang pagmamahal ng Panginoon at kung bakit dapat patuloy akong gumagawa ng mga munting hakbang  upang magbabalik-loob sa kanya.

Marahil romantic ang sinubukang kong gawin kaninang umaga para sa aking asawa na tingin ko deserves so much more than what I am giving. Subalit ang pagbabalik-loob sa Diyos ay dehins morantic dahil unang-una di naman madalas tao=human side ang nakikita ko sa kanya. Ang dami ko nang ginawa bilang isang anak ng Diyos. Nasa punto na ko ng "Been Der, Done Dat". Di ako agad maka relate ngayon sa "He alone can complete me" kase kadalasan ngayon, ang pangangailangan ko ay makamundo=worldly and temporal. Paano ba namang si Kristo ang sagot sa lahat, hellow. Get real! Di ko naman sya mayakap sa panahong depressed ako o ngayon mismo na gusto kong malayo sa mga lamok o amoy ng karne sa palengke.

Subalit kelangan kong untugin ang sarili ko. Ang Pasko, para sa akin ay isang paraan ng Diyos upang ipakita na kaya niyang maging tao upang ipamukha sa atin na nauunawaan niya kung paano ang mabuhay sa mundong ito. Namamalas niya ang pagod, sakit, kahirapan, pang-araw araw na kayod at paghihirap ng isang nilalang. Alam niya ang kahulugan ng paghahanap ng panandaliang ligaya, o kaluwagan. At ang buhay ni Kristo ang siyang paalala sa atin na bilang tao, na may hangganan ang buhay at lakas, patuloy dapat natin siyang hahanapin sa mga munting bagay na ginagawa para sa atin ng mga ating mahal sa buhay--katulad na lamang  ng pamamalengke ng asawa ko. Karapat-dapat lamang na susubukan ko rin ang lahat upang gumawa ng ilang bagay, munti man o malaki, upang magpamalas ng pagmamahal at kabutihan kaninuman.

There is nothing...nothing really romantic about the message of Christmas at all (except the song Merry Christmas, Darling!) It's a message of TRUE love as expressed through kindness, hope and humility.

I am very much loved...therefore, give love. Let ME remember that.
Love for Vic, my children and my friends have always been my good start...so I hope it flows to my mom-- 2 days max for this season. Then ok, I'll greet my dad.




Sunday, December 21, 2014

Just 4D Record III

O heto pa..rubbing this in the nth time!

Cc: Office of Education Research <edn.research@qut.edu.au>

Dear Juliet,
Thank you for your email. We appreciate the reasons for which you have chosen to decline your scholarship offer, your daughter is very lucky to have such a caring parent!
We welcome a future application for admission and scholarship from you when you have an opportunity to try again.
With best wishes
Caitlin

Caring parent nga naman ako at gusto ko rin yun...


Saturday, December 13, 2014

Death Toll= 4 :(....

In a span of 9 months, 4 people I know have died of cancer, then there's 1 awaiting diagnosis.
We visited the remains of Lyen--a former Bible study student of mine years back.  The visit was more for his partner who is in good terms with Vic. I normally do not like visiting during wakes but the other night, I decided to do so.  My heart goes out to  his loving partner. I cannot quite imagine the sadness he is going through now.

And quite recently, I almost thought Vic was close to having a diagnosis of some sort.
Only because it is a fact that he has lost his mom to cancer this year, and 2 other aunts/ uncles + 1 cousin  in the past. This is not the first time that the body of this husbandry of mine released blood unusually. The recent one did not even have an honest to goodness diagnosis, though his tests show his parts seem ok.

During the past few weeks, for the first time in my life, it suddenly felt that death was just around the corner. That at my age, the reality of Vic's death will be something Id have to face some day.  And so I did give it some serious thought. It made me angry at God, but mostly at myself for the thoughts I harbored in my mind.

Then came total surrender, and the knowledge that I cannot fight God about such things. He alone can determine life and death. However, what we make out of our lives and our views of immortality we can determine.

Which brings me to look into my life: at this age, I have invested so much of myself to my causes, my career, my children. I have nested then  moved onto workplaces for the 7th time,  with that, I've cut connections.

We've moved apartments countless times, which was easy mostly as long as we stayed within UP area.  But this recent one is the most emotionally challenging by far.

Then of course this uncertainty of my situation with UPOU, Builders and The Academy.
I've committed myself to Beacon Academy for 2 years.

Ok diba, parang din kanser, may taning.
Parang din akong unti unting namamatayan tuwing lumilipat ako ng trabaho,
at ngayon lilipat paalis ng UP.

At parang isang matinding paalala sa kin ng Panginoon na lahat nang bagay dito sa mundo ay walang kasiguruhan. Kailangan kong pagkatandaan na sa huli, ano nga lang ba ang kaya kong panghawakan sa buhay ko o  ano nga lang ba ang maiiwan na pangmatagalan-- yao'y pagmamahal niya at pagmamahal ng kapwa.

And so, I shall pray on.

2014 is the year to come back and renew my faith in God and make His presence matter to me.
It's like when I die now, I know I can say goodbye to my career, Vic and my children, things can take care of themselves.

Except that I am sooo NOT ready to face the Lord. I need to set things right.

RIP,   Lyen. Meet your maker while your former Bible Study teacher is on her way to make peace with God.

And Tunee, all this will pass. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Timestamp: Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM

Happy anniversary! Yeps, I would like to see it this way instead...a chance to renew vows/ commitments to myself, but this time, adding back my faith in God pair of lens which I removed for about 2-3 years. I figured, my life becomes more colorful with having  more faith in His presence. And so I am here again, facing God  and as always...and I mean always, the timing of things...how can such timing be perfect and how can it happen during critical points in my life?

Atheism is such a great philosophy and a selfie kind of religion but it can never ever explain 'patterns' nor 'connectedness'. Everything  simply follows a logical cause effect  based on one's decisions. It can never explain glitches. But then glitches and sudden turns are the ones worth capturing in life.

Here is one glitch--
I received word from QUT, quite unexpectedly. I  thought I had forgotten this dream of studies abroad. But howcome I am not delighted at all and it kinda felt like this: Pambihira naman, oo, WTF is this about!!! Is this adding insult to injury!  Is this some kind of reminder that I have to give up this dream, BE HERE and NOT there because anytime I can lose a loved one---my sister, my mom, my best friend or the father of my children. Like bring it on, Lord. I'm cutting a few ties anyways so why not do all these at the same time. Take EVERYthing away...and let life be just "random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes...."

It was very much like that for a day or 2 and even moments. And I guess it  will continue to be every now and then when I think of life's uncertainties.

I tried to whine but then  this person I cant seem to fathom says these:
balikan mo ang intensyon mo: bakit gusto mong mag-aral abroad?
dream?
personal goal?
source of pride?


tapos ijuxtapose mo sa kung anong ginagawa mo ngayon
kung alin ang mas mayimbang, doon ka

take the choice that will make you whole

God does not give what one does not deserve.
And He always gives more not less.

So ok....OKAAAAYYYY.
I shall define and always go back to this every year if this is what it takes!!!

I am here and let my why's count:

Why I even wished for this
I was 44 then and on my 6th year at UPOU and my school. It was the time that I felt quite settled being where I am and doing what was there to do. It was a time of rest seeing that anything I can set myself to do gets done and my work benefits my children, my need to for creative and academic pursuits, and yet with 1 more thing which has become a source of obssession for 2 years running.
I wanted to  finally have the chance to do my theses which had to take a backseat because my small school concerns, and my UPOU work had more pressing matters. My small school and UPOU were the sources of my research ideas anyways.

My limited brains   have never worked for something THIS hard. It is difficult to start with due to how my brains work and doubly difficult because when I started my doctoral studies, it was around the same time I was into major life projects.  My studies have draaaggged on until I decided to quit because again, my kind of brains cannot work with the kind of adviser I have. The only choice was to test my theses with some other university.

I said to myself, I was really just settling for PhD Curriculum Studies in my alma mater so when I already had a change of heart and was determined to pursue something more related to online education and virtual high schools,  I started to look forward to the idea of just being on my own, in another university,  away and detached from the cares of the world and just do research-- a space just for me and my ideas...just be selfish, right? why not?

Add to the above is the idea of  a self test--how long  will I be able to  live my life away from my loved ones who seem to be resilient enough to live their lives without me. And to get all these done while I can still afford to do so. Can I rely on myself entirely? be accountable for my finances? be decent enough within the boundaries of decency I alone can command?

Plus, since I imagined myself growing old at UPOU, the only way to grow old and still remain actively engaged  is to get into research projects with my colleagues, and not settle for the usual research pursuits of mine. If I were to stay long at UPOU, then I must be prepared to work with my colleagues who are just as committed and qualified to do things. Having an EdD to me will be my track record of sustained and focused attention, logical thinking, clarity of mind, concrete theoretical contribution --I was after proving to myself that I can make my brains work in a certain way if I am to go on at UPOU to bring more change through committee work and research projects.

 It was a stark difference to what I know I am already capable of doing--creative work=life projects which I never planned getting into but simply dared do as part of my commitment to my children, and my profession. So far, I have no regrets.

Blah blah...

Why an alternate future?
Around Sept-Oct 2013, I started to think of a Plan B=an alternate future. I started getting in touch with Mailin. Later on,  she asked for my CV and so I gave it more thought.  My email records say these:

Timestamp 1: Tue, Nov 26, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Pag-iisipan ko yung part time.  Ano ba merong mga job openings ngayon sa Beacon Acad?

Timestamp 2:  Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM

 And now that I want Miranda in a really good high school system, I will do what it takes to afford it (if I can) and contribute to the vision and work of a HS which will take her in....
I am submitting my CV here, because doing so will contribute to the confusion I am in. Perhaps, eventually, circumstances will push me to a decision I will be happy with.


Timestamp 3:Sat, Apr 5, 2014 at 11:59 PM
Re: hindi ako makahinga....
It is a provisional YES as of the moment until I iron out matters with my Dean. 
It's an offer I cannot say 'no' to because the opportunity sounds great, for both Miranda and I.

Huling huli ka, Aleta. Happy Anniversary!

The choice then is to go for Beacon Academy. It is an alternate future I have decided to delve into, with so much uncertainty,  and the only certain thing about it is this: my daughter gets a chance to go for an education she chose (which I may have influenced a bit...). And so I am here to support the institution which accepted her.

Looking back, I'd have to say, Miranda, my dearest daughter, has for the 2nd time paved the way for me. She is one reason why I dared set up a small school, and also the same reason why I shall move on to another school. My Mauro, on the other hand, will always be the survivor who will adjust to his mother's needs (he was the baby I was breastfeeding in the midst of my  at U.P Graduate Admission Test...kung saan si Robin ang proctor at may sumulpot na ahas sa Benitez Theatre habang nag-eeksam ako) since he is very much capable of seeking attention from different people to fill his needs.

Whatever rewards, risks and heartaches I shall embrace  as part of THIS experience.

But in all honesty, why choose to be here...NOW?
It is a good time to be here with my beloveds and still make space for dearies.

I'd like to spend this time of my life, here and NOW for simple joys to save in my happy memory stick... sooo much memories to look back to when I'm 60, and perhaps it'll keep me afloat for painful truths I can never escape but can only face in the years to come. 

On a gut-feel level, it does feel right to be here, anyways.

As for 2016-2017...let's see!




Sunday, December 7, 2014

RR

This BFF-wonder girl of mine is now quietly sleeping...probably to catch some rest after listening to all my travails which started late at night then continued on until about 1pm, with a part 2 at 6am when we did our morning walk together. She always assured me that I was not insane at all but totally human--a feeling, living being.

I have known Rachel since 32 years ago. That's what she remembered btw. We were together in HS.
She always had this blue canvas bag with her would approach me on several matters she wanted to know about in school given that we were both new.  I didn't like her right away cuz she seemed anxious about everything while I was what the hell devil may care...if there was an expression then such as the word chill, girl...I would have said that nth times.

Banaag club was our common thing. We had played alternate roles for a girl character as Rebecca in Our Town. 
I finally came around to believing that I was starting to like her when she wittingly played the lead role of a funny old man while I played the role of an aswang--her comedic timing was uber perfect. It was with her that I finally revealed my 2nd HS supercrush whom she fondly labelled as Puto Bumbong...tipong "andyan na ba si puto bumbong". 

Then came college days when we both decided to become teachers and we ended up seeing each other at Eduk. We finally had something more common to talk about--our BF's and educ classes. Well, we got busier with our BF's then of course.

It was during our last year in college that I finally admitted to myself that she is THE best friend of mine. I slept over at her place on few occasions, despite unapproving looks from her parents as they opened their door to this weird person in mini skirt, safety shoes and punk hairdo.

We would usually meet up at Q Plaza Cainta where we would have a taste of Tropical Hut chicken sandwich then go to the bookstore for teacher thingies...and endless talking follows. That was sticky to my memory and stickier was the time when we had to fall in line at the grocery to replace our Choco Mallows (na may uod by the ways) then a senior lady thought we were cutting in line at the cashier and so she goes bleh bleh bleh..."I am the master of my destiny." After  walking a few meters  from the cash register,  I jokingly said, "Ibig sabihin nya marahil ay ito: I am the Master of my B________". And that story will never fail to crop up in our conversations everytime we meet. It only goes to show all the things we are able to talk about under the sun, most especially our verrrry female selves.

Then of course, she will always have her fondest memories of Ilocos Sur summer she spent with my family and friends...our Maryknoll days...our before Wordlab days...our Wordlab days...my head over heels days....her Iloilo days...her L'arche days...her Jing days...her Buhay days...her LP days...our Murphy days....my Davao honeymoon days...our with-Chiqui days....our with Mailin-and-Dina days...our almost setting-up-a-school-together days...sooo many many days.

Now in our 40's, the recent talks we have are midlife stuff--that first time was when my tears never seemed to stop falling that I had to be absent from Builders' School. I have always needed her to look at my muddled self, identify my issues,  and say what she thinks about it. She asks me questions which relate to God and my relationships with my significant others. She reminds me to ask the right questions and so my mountains turn into molehills.

At our age, and even closer to 50 than 40, I still give her the usual crazy girl-talk, I still out pour and outcry myself every time.  I look up to her for all her moral steadfastness and I always leave her wondering about why I am the why I am.

And now, with my current fear of all fears, we have decided that once I get things over and done with, I shall go to her to deal with my grief. That's the plan.

Until that has not happened yet, I will still have to visit her 1x a year. 

Why not? RR...forever and always :)

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Pagiging OCW sa sariling bansa

Noong kamakailan lang, napainom ako ng Pale Pilsen, pagkatapos ng ilang buwang hindi nakakainom. Humirit ang kasama ko na napaka-OCW ng dating ng Pale Pilsen. Ok lang naman talaga kase sa totoo lang, yun din naman  ang pakiramdam ko itong mga huling linggo, lalupa't sa kakabiyahe sa MRT.

Parang kasing pakiramdam ko, hati ang pagkatao ko at may distansyang pumapagitna at lumalawak pa, bunga ng trabahong hinaharap ko ngayon. Noon naman, bagamat 2 ang hanapbuhay ko, nakakahanap ako ng paraan upang panatilihing buo, iisa o kaya'y magkarugtong ang aking mga gawain at mithiin sa buhay. At ang distansya, kumbaga nga naman ay transaksyunal na nakakayanan ko namang ipagtabi ang daang nilalakabay. Ang trabaho ko sa munti kong paaralan ay para sa aking mga anak at ilang pamilya at kabataan, at bilang pagsasakatuparan ng ilang panaginip bilang isang guro habang naman ang panahong ginugugol sa UPOU ay bilang pamumuhunan sa kinabukasan na rin ng aking mga anak.

Subalit ngayon, kinailangang kong pumili ng 1 buhay, at parang biglang kelangan iwanan ang dating buhay.  Sinisimulan kong itaguyod ang buhay ko sa Binan-Sta Rosa, isang lugar na kahit tila bagang nagpapanggap na urban bagamat ang mga pamamaraan ay napaka-rural, ay natutunan ko na ring angkinin  dahil namamahay na ako sa isang lungga doon. Bunga ito  ng desisyon ko hinggil sa pag-aaral ng aking anak, na kinakailangan ko rin namang  panindigan dahil  pinili ko rin naman gawin ito. Subalit sa pagpiling yun, di ko naman inisip ang katumbas na magaganap pa kase ganun naman talaga kapag kinailangan mo ng kagyat na desisyon--susunggaban mo na lamang at kakayanin mo ang mga resulta nito. At gayun na nga--biglang nawalay ako sa dati kong mga minamahal--kapwa guro (kasama asawa ko dun), estudyante (kasama mga anak at inaanak ko duon) at ang pagtuturo at research.

Kaya tuwing bumabiyahe ako pauwi gayun na lamang ang paghahalo ng damdamin ko--natutuwa akong makita ang mga mahalaga sa aking buhay, may kaunting lungkot kapag sila'y kelangan iwanan, nalilito sa kung alin ang aking pamamahay  habang din naman naghahanap ng batis ng saya sa bago kong trabahong ginagawa, kahit walang katiyakan kung anong mangyayari sa kin pagkatapos ng 2 taon. May mga panahong hinahambing ko ang dati kong gawain sa ginawa ko ngayong at tinatanong ang sarili kung tama ba o sulit ang naging desisyon ko. Pilit kong kinakalimutan ang mga ganoong tanong na hindi na dapat tinatanong at imbis iniisip bakit ganito ang aking nadarama.

Sa mga biyahe sa MRT, usapang trabaho at kung anu ano rin naman ang nagiging libangan bago marating ang Trinoma. Subalit tuwing nakikita ang ibang kapwa sa MRT,  at sabay sabay kaming nagsisiksikan at nagmamadaling umuwi, bagamat may mukhang pagod o sariwa, may mga nag-iisip, tulog o may kinakausap,  iisa kaming lahat sa aming pakay sa buhay. Lahat kami sa MRT, piniling mabuhay sa Pilipinas dahil marahil wala kaming magagawa, o kaya dahil kasama yun sa desisyong manatiling subukan ang lahat nang aming makakaya na mabuhay sa sariling bansa, kung nasaan rin ang aming mga mahal sa buhay, at mga mamahalin pa hanggang kamatayan!!!

Subalit ilan kaya kaming nakadarama ng pagiging OCW sa sariling bansa. At bakit nga ba ganito ang nadarama ko. Dahil baga, heto na naman ako, iniwanan ang isang ligtas na kinalalagyan upang makipagsapalaran.  Sa edad na ito, ano pa nga ba ang maari pang mawala sa pagkatao ko sa ilang panunugal na ginawa ko. Marahil nga meron, subalit di ko na sinubukang tandaan--mga paglalaan ng oras para sa mga mahalagang pagkilos (causes and advocacies), mga kinakaibigan at biniBF para sa mga ganitong gawain, paulit ulit na pagbuhos ng utak at puso sa mga organisasyong inaasawa, at hinihiwalayan din. Parang isang OCW kung saan-saang napadpad at namamahay, nabubuhay at nagmamahal,  at kinikitil ang ilang relasyon para harapin ang kinakailangan harapin.

Pero dahil tao rin lamang ako, naghahanap din ako ng munting kapalit---nang sa gayon tuwing umuuwi ako  sakay sa MRT, maari kong isipin ang ilang maliliit na gantimpala o kasiyahan pantawid-buhay mula sa aking mga kinagisnang gawa at bagong gawain, mga dating minamahal at bagong mamahalin, mga panghabambuhay na kakilala at kikilalanin pa.

Tulad din marahil sa ilang mga biyaherong nasanay na sa byahe at naghahanap ng ilang katutuwaang magbibigay aliw sa isipan para lang maiwasan ang pagkabato o pagkainip sa byahe o pagkapikon sa lahat na pasikot-sikot na pila, pati na rin ang lahat ng uri ng amoy at usok na bumabagabag sa isip at hininga. Ang paborito kong pantawid buhay sa mga ganitong byahe ay mga tao ring buhay katulad ko subalit tila bagang sila ay mga palaisipan. Dalawa sila ngayon na sinusubukan kong maunawaan dahil iba ang naging pinili nilang buhay. Sa ilang mga kwento nung isa, napapaisip rin ako sa sarili kong mga karanasan, desisyon at pinahahalagahan bilang tao. Paminsan nilalagay ko ang sarili ko sa kanyang karanasan at sinusubukan kong gunigunihin ano kaya ang kanyang mga nararamdaman o pinag-iisipan o di kaya kung ako ang nakaluklok sa sitwasyon nya, ano kaya ang magiging kahulugan sa akin noong karanasan na iyon. Ano kaya ang aking tutunguhin at bakit nga ba nagkasama kami ngayon? At sadya lang bang narito kami pareho ngayon? Ano kaya ang kahihinatnan ng byahe namin sa panahong hinaharap namin ang aming bagong trabaho? At paano kaya pagdating sa panahong ang isa sa amin ay magbago ng daan? At dahil lahat ng byahe ay aabot sa puntong hiwalayan, ano ang silbi ng mga palaisipan at mga pagkilanlanan?

I can go on and on and on wondering why the moon waxes and wanes. Should I even ask the heavens for why's and WTF'in not's!!!

Kaya lulunukin ko itong chang-inang Pale Pilsen, kahit ilan pa. Lulunurin ko ang sarili ko sa karanasang  pagiging isang OCW sa sariling bansa kung ito lamang ang paraan upang ako'y sumisid sa kailaliman ng pag-aalinlangan upang lumangoy papataas at  muling maramdaman ang buhay. Magbabago kaya ang aking paningin sa aking kahapon at ngayon?


Makahanap nga ng maong jaket katerno ng beer na 'to!



Friday, August 29, 2014

Dehins Kwentong Kutchero

The TOK class is a classic example of how teachers can effectively employ the use of pairwork and small group discussions to elicit prior knowledge,  encourage thinking together and listening to each other,  while placing them in a learning situation where they can agree to disagree and even arrive at common understandings. I know that this may be commonplace in all types of schools but what keeps me interested are the types of questions students sort out and the meanings they arrive at after all the exchanges—to what extent the discussions turn out to be typical ‘umpukan sa kanto’, ‘kwentong kutchero', 'kwentong barbero', FacLounge exchange, I dunno whatelse or a genuine intellectual exercise.

The teacher started the class by simply jotting down a list of assumptions, top of his head kinda thing. He starts the class by laying down the goals and linking these with the essential agreements, the purposes of the day’s work as it relates to their future lives in the university, not to mention spending a few minutes to put in context today’s topic which was about dealing with ‘assumptions’. This initial teacher talk ran for about 8 minutes or so that I was about to say my "Oh no... teacher-preacher!!!". Of course, it hardly turned out to be that way.  I can see the students taking this as part of the routine, and comfortably understanding where the teacher was coming from.

For the small group activity to work, a set of questions were provided:
What are assumptions? Why do we have these? How do we get rid of them?
(And should I even say, that the key to the success of this kind of activity is the set of questions given.  Surely, this activity is not bound to fail.)

The teacher comes across as a person very relaxed with his students because he seems to have established a steady work relationship with them. Also, having been with the Grade 12’s myself as a sub teacher,  I can say that being with this class was like simply dealing with a bunch of adults who equally know when to relax, when to get on with business and when things have to go faster than usual because an output has to be turned in.  They are the type to naturally transition from one activity to the next without much cheering on in the way preschoolers and grade schoolers would be cued by their teachers.

I can say that perhaps the  Grade 12’s are pretty much prepared to be booted out of HS, into a university and finally get on with their lives having real jobs.  Perhaps the next few months are about bidding time and while at that, may as well give them a hard time through IB Diploma prescriptions, lol. The only reason you would want to delay this eventuality is the feeling that you know at one point in their lives as adults, when they feel utterly tired and exhausted, they would wish to be back in HS, away from the cares of the world!!!

Moving on….

I easily got to move around and engage. The students went on with their business of  thinking and responding to the questions but at the same time, they comfortably let me into their small group exchange. One pair started with their ideas of religion and how it influenced one’s ways of looking at things. The other  discussed about  the individual in relation to their spheres, that they even had a diagram in their notes while their peer discussion went on.  I finally came around to reaching the third pair who were almost done, arriving at this: assumptions are stuff they cannot do without, hence there is value in acknowledging these assumptions and being careful about how it may or may not influence the way you see things in life…(and perhaps arrive at certain choices they need to make).

At one point, the teacher briefly called the attention of the students to clarify the meaning of the word assumption…and it came just in time when I found myself asking how assumptions differ from premises, arguments, theories, beliefs, opinions and biases, prejudices…..and all the other stuff TOK students are learning which I wished I have learned during my time and perhaps teaching Philosophy now would be a breeze!!!

It was a wholesome exchange of ideas that I witnessed among the Gr 12’s.
I wished I stayed a bit longer to see how the teacher shall take off from the students’ ideas.

My thoughts bring me back to how our Gr 10’s and 9’s are: the 9’s who are still much into their cliques, and the 10’s who are a class of their own, half serious, half getting there and funny mostly, and fully absorbed once the right buttons are pushed.


Will I be able to stay long enough to be like Joseph with them once they reach Gr 12?

With that Bleh Out of the Way, Now This!!!

I laugh now...with that major BLEH out of the way, I now would like to see what I am learning to do these days, besides the teaching part in my new school.

When I was with my university work, I was one of those resisting bureaucracy---you know, those channels of communication,  clear processes to get things done, delineation of work,  meetings galore.
Only to find myself trying to put a bit of this and that into this new work place. Down the drain goes all my research ideas, and shitty theoretical underpinnings of this and that, and though I admit I DO MISS RESEARCH, I realized because it's the best escape from doing the nitty gritty--changing culture=paglabag sa mga bagay na kinagisnan tungo sa kaunlaran.

So this job of LC is really about that--trying to find new ways of doing things by recycling or even transplanting ideas from there to here, or here to there. And I need to start thinking about the teachers as my class of students whom I need to support without them knowing that. It's great to be doing that in ways which are not entirely obvious. I'm glad to be in an obscure office because that means I have to be the one to move about and approach whomever I can manage to. I need not prove to be on top of things because my fellows in the acad team are seeing to that.

Id like to say here that the ultimate measure of my success for this year is just this:
-a sound and coherent teacher appraisal borne out of collaboration from fellow teachers

Just that....I'll have to do my Hist and Philo just the same anyways. So ok, Ill add one---
-a teacher who will be able to comfortably say: YES, I KNOW my students.


It's been a while....

Yeps, it's been a while. And really a long while. A former Beacon School teacher, Ms Isah Caguicla, will surely understand me and we'll just give this a laugh.

Well, these days, I do not entirely feel like laughing. For one, I think I'm feeling old...you know, OLD=pretty much set with particular ways of doing things.  It's not that the challenges no longer surprise me. It's just that when you finally get over what you thought was the greatest challenge of your life (and in my context that was setting up a school, keeping it alive alongside, doing fulltime university work, amidst doctoral studies), here I am with a new challenge being LC (and what the heck is this about) and of adjusting to a new work setting.

Setting up a school was largely different. There was so much ownership involved--blood, sweat and tears of joy. It was not like some job at all. It was doing the daily grind and seeing the purpose of it everyday because I see my children everyday, and I see them grow with other children who are just as lovable.

When I first came to visit this new school, I found myself amazed at Mailin and Mariles. How can they last this long? And both their children who have grown to be young adults, are now in some other school. Why even bother to be here.

But then I HAVE to be here. This is my daughter's education and the only way I can contribute to her schooling since admittedly, I cannot homeschool her to deprive her of other adults who are worthier to guide her through all the other subject areas.

One time, as I was driving home, what if I waited just a bit more for that scholarship to be awarded...perhaps I will be in my own cubicle working on the research I have always wanted to do....or thought so. But then I know, it still won't be enough, right?

Now, it really has been more than a month, I wonder,  what other things in my life have changed? Im feeling more of a mom lately...as in the domesticated kinda mom--making things fine at home. But then there's a limit to that right? Once you get the routine going, it's pretty much there.

Blah blah.  Come to think of it, it has been I a while since I felt bleh. So I guess, Im still good!


Sunday, April 20, 2014

N=1

Every year, there seems to be a casualty or 2 when it comes to finalizing the list of graduating students. As AA PC, I do take this 'casualty' seriously because at times, the casualty is caused by some weird 'technical' rule. It is fine if the rule makes sense, because some really do. In the context of an OU, a rule taken from a residential campus with a bureaucratic system do not always make sense.
And the sad part is when an individual (such as I) are expected to  assert it because it goes with the job, only to realize it is not right at all. And what I hate is when we simply accept the rule as it is because that's what it means to live with a system we cannot do without.

So I was there in our Unive council meeting, trying to find ways to tell myself that 'it does not really matter' or 'leave it and move on' or 'shut up, girl, do not even make a fool of yourself'' or 'tumahimik ka na, tapusin nalang ang meeting, pwede ba?'. But I could not, obviously. I spoke too soon and what I wanted to say did not come out in the manner that it should have. Or perhaps something came out and was put on record, but who keeps track of such things anyway.

I really find it difficult to put in words justification for certain decisions which to me are but right= tama lang. In other words, I do not have the technical know how nor logical reasoning to explain my stand which is basically value based and comes from a disposition which goes this way:  'What have we got to lose to make 1 learner (and his/her family proud and happy)? And more because we are duty bound to set things right for this student because we ought to.'  We owe her this for one mistake we did.

Compared to prior casualties which caused me sleepless nights, this case seemed easy to take for I wasn't the one earning the grade.  I wasn't the one who made the actual  mistake and I was not the one dealing directly with the student nor the parents.

N=1 after all.

That one person matters because the value of 1 represents a few more others who could have graduated Term 3 and joined the May graduation ceremony only if we bothered to  define Term 3 as end of schoolyear and NOT equivalent to a summer residential term, or if we moved meetings 1 week later.

No regrets in making a fool of myself--I am quite consistent to who I am since I started working. It has caused me jobs (3 in all), but it has helped me stand up for  what I value (such I owe to my mom, Julieta and the Juniora in me is kinda hard to tame). The risks I took then was all worth it.

This one year break from UPOU makes more sense, I realized.
I just am not sure whether this break is just a break or will eventually mean to 'break free.'

What has kept me all this years and what will keep me going anyways?
This job has  allowed me to learn a lot, to prove to myself that I can do things out of sheer commitment, hard work and a chance to still raise my kids educationally. In return for my ATM, is the opportunity to do public service to a range of students who are multitaskers.  These are what kept me going, then.

I need more reasons to go on if UPOU is the job I'd like to grow old with.
And if I decide to leave, I am just N=1 anyways. I do not even know what that means, after all.





Thursday, April 10, 2014

Theses 2-2B=Dragonfly Mode!

Theses 2-2B=Tutubi=and what does the dragonfly do? It flies away when you are just about to catch it. And what of my theses, I am  literally flying away from it, interestingly due to some turn of events. I gave this thesis a shot anyways.

So, for the meantime,  this flight away from my doctoral studies and theses 2B is because I'd like to land on better things life can offer. At this time, it's just really easy to blame my university and its bureaucracy. With all its bureaucracy, we cannot even get rid of any faculty member who may turn out to be a lousy research mentor, so I got rid of myself from my doctoral studies instead. With that exit came this determination to get admitted to a doctoral program abroad. I found an ally in a supervisor at a QLD unive, Dr B, who has agreed to support my research ideas, and with this comes  an  approved offer and deferred commencement (Jan 2015) from my QLD unive which has finally arrived. Money could have been on my side, but clearly because I need MORE money with me to fund  my doctoral studies, I need my university of employment, and I am willing to do the payback of a lifetime of service. But perhaps,  I don't think my unive in my home country needs me at this time. Or perhaps, it is time to move on and let my professional development take on other forms.

The dragon in me refuse to settle for anything less than a better experience up for grabs.

Yeah, I know, I could have pulled strings. But if there's one thing I was always tempted to do at my university of employment, but never came around to doing was to do that--pull strings.

The first time the string was right in front of us was when my daughter, Miranda, did not make it to the K admission test to get into a GS -where my husband, then Assistant Professor Victor Villanueva at my once-college, was one of the supervising teachers of student-teachers who do their practice teaching  (and yes, I care to spell his name out here because he was that precious to Eduk).  In other words, we could  have gotten our way and that was to get our child in by requesting, pleading, begging like all normal parents would do for their children. Teacher Vic chose to exit to go for something else. He chose the Filipino way, and that was to make our lives more complicated by setting up a school where Miranda can learn....and learn she did! And one great school was born for other children to grow and learn...and for teacher such as I to do my 'labwork' and draw inspirations  because there was no GS laboratory school for a virtual unive, while I was teaching teachers under our MA and prof cert program. From this lab, I did samples/models of Social Studies teaching and learning and published works which I brought into my teacher education classes. It was fuel I cannot do without as a teacher educator.

Then, of course,  I tried to play with another string when I inquired by direct email to the GS head whether slots are open for admissions and when these will be available, coming from a fellow faculty who is entertaining to put Miranda at the GS. The response was sort of a snub. Miranda was left with 2 choices--Community of Learners or QC Science HS. Not much strings around to work with in the first place.

Now, this next string--but a string of strings- a chance at a doctoral study fund, and perhaps a way to bring my daughter to Aussie and study with me! My bro advised me to come up with a letter and state my request, to sort of justify that I am worth my unive's money (5 million plus pesos) because I am a scholar ng bayan, the faculty kind who, will study abroad, and come back to be a ball of string, to be woven and ingrained in the fabric of  my open university. But I just could not go for my dreams in this manner.

It's not even that I do not like the fact that this study abroad will allow me to stay longer at my open university.  In fact, I have for once decided that I can actually have what it takes to stay longer with an  institution, and one which I have learned to like.  I have so much respect for my open university community--of elders, leaders, followers and footsoldiers, that I can practically imagine myself growing old in this institution. I have so much respect for it that if ever I decide to choose to stay, it is because I have earned my keep as much as others ahead of me already did.  Earning my keep, to my mind, is fulfilling this  responsibility  to get that PhD--the right to get into more research to gain proof that I do posses this  habit of mind to think theoretically to solve life's problems, to be part of  a community of scholars committed to the excellent pursuit of knowledge!  (like some complicated framework grounded on research to see through anything-- the depth and breadth of a problem such as a missing comma in the minutes of our meetings!!!!)  By my own standards, I want to have that rightful place in our committee meetings, bearing with me proof=PhD, that I can make anything  just as complicated as refusing to put a comma in that sentence, and have a reasoned rationale and justification of why it should not be there. And to end up loving the way we complicate our lives for we refuse to be as lay as a layman when we approach things in life.

Honestly, and funny  as it may seem, I am mostly in awe of my PhD colleagues and how intricate their perspectives can be whenever we discuss matters of importance, and how I also manage to put my 2 cents in, because I clearly operate on instinct or use my practical brains mostly and even if sometimes I simply give up on the process of engaging since somebody more brilliant will most likely come around to solving matters anyways.  Yet, bringing my 2 cents in comes with the job so I take pains to understand as much as I can how people at my open university arrive at certain decisions.  I want to continue being part of this decision making, life complicating process. And so, I believe,  my doctoral degree experience is a chance of lifetime to do just that-- prune my brains and discipline my mind (which behaves like a dragonfly mostly), in order to put my tumataginting na dollar=100 cents in for all that we need to do and accomplish as a university.

It's not that this dragonfly did not see all these coming, though. I do remember last year, I was getting restless. IGNOU and IIT Bombay seem to be an impossibility due to a bureaucratic admissions which I find unsupportive of international students. Murdoch had friendly admissions but had no expert ready to supervise my research . Melbourne Unive applications was certainly frozen in waiting for academic references from hard to find/ email Dr M and Dr H. Special thanks to Dr G who came to the rescue and yet 1 doctor ain't enough as reference. My QLD unive was  my last recourse. I said to myself, I did ALL of it already,  including swallowing my pride with my IELTS score, and therefore aaallll I could do was hhhwwwwhhhait.

AND SO IT CAME. My QLD unive offer arrived just in time for a birthday present--but a gift which I could not keep because to have it means I needed a greater gift from my university--financial support from the doctoral study fund to finally get my student visa going.

So this dragonfly spent some time to use her peripheral vision to entertain a Plan B.  And I said to myself, if I can find a Plan B, then I may as well make the most of where I am. I have one more dream to achieve--and that was to attend a real F2F Moodle Workshop and Conference=MOODLEMOOT. I said to myself, if this will be my last RDG and conference to attend as a UP Fac, wishing still for a Plan A, I may as well go for this MoodleMoot. With this was a strategy to place all  my bets, 97% of it on my Plan A and leave a minor 3% for Plan B which has yet to be cracked. The MoodleMoot conference came with an Aussie visa application with the intent to build my reputation as a Filipino educator,  not itching to migrate to Aussie but investing on a Aussie future.  Through my open university overload pay, the only savings I have on my head plus RDG  to invest on a very expensive conference fee, I wanted to prove to Aussie immigration that I am just after the MOOT=professional education and I have no plans of misusing my visa.  Getting back home will be good record that I am a Filipino local contract worker who have no plans of jumping ship so this may increase my chances of being granted my future student visa once QLD unive results are out.  And so, with this Moot, I pledged to bring back home with me stuff I can weave as a government worker...with a self acclaimed title of being the first person from my open university to participate in a MoodleMOOT. In case my QLD unive ain't gonna happen, I would want to continue my work but having more creative work (rather than research) a magic shot.

Lo and behold...I found myself at a K12 conference in Sydney. I was a key witness to how Moodle Moots were being organized. I became one with a K12 audience of active seer-listeners to how technologies and elearning pedagogies are creatively finding its way in the K12 system. I was a live participant, the only foreign one,  in a Moodle Masterclass |Advanced workshop with Julian, the Moodleman, Lindhy and Vince of the very efficient Pukunui Technology. I was in the midst of a workshop, Moodle 2.5-2.6,  which I knew I would not be able to apply at my open university, (which by the way is still at Moodle 2.2), and also because due to priority work at UPOU, there simply was no time and space for me to do all these.

When I say there was no time and space for me to do experiments at my open university, it means I cannot make labrats of my unive students (as they were already willing labrats for my WizIQ stints) who are primarily adult learners who do not need (or maybe are not ready for) a gamified Moodle 2.6.  At the same time, I was also sensing that  education faculty is moving towards standardizing course development, through highly prescriptive course guides and a list of MUST DO's or MUST BE's which I was not ready to take all in, because this path anyway, is the easiest to do--stick to a template, which ensures success for the learner. But a bigger part of me wants to learn things in another way.  I sometimes feel that  all these templates for teaching and learning get in the way of genuine teaching and learning--it leaves no space for a hidden curriculum at all. True, these templates are formula for success, a way to keep learners satisfied and seemingly get their hard earned money's way to earn their degree. While I sometimes want my online learners to break away from this mode of thinking--simply getting the degree, earning the grade, pleasing the prof, I am inclined to simply  go with the flow because it's my job as a faculty in charge.  Sometimes the teaching we are expected or prescribed to do goes against what I think learning is all about!!!. I do not want my FMA's to be fixed and everything laid out. I want  to do some kind of project based learning through my courses but my attempts simply can not be, especially  when faced with a big class such as EDS 111 running on a tight 12-week term. I have managed to do FMA options and flexibility with my SSE (MAEd/DSSE) and yet, adults as they are, a few ones still lift ideas or create outputs to primarily get the grade and NOT go through the learning process for the sake of learning, or draw pleasure from learning what they chose to learn despite the grade they received. If I had to do it my way, I would go to the extent of changing the grading system to have only 2 types of marks=  a P/C=passed or completed or FFSUR2DO=For-Further Study/Completion-when Ur Ready 2 do so! But I do not think the university guidelines will even allow me to do so :(

Here I go again with me= Miss Guided, Miss Placed. It ain't a perfect world after all. But my work at my open university, was proof that I can tango with a system given hard work and a bright mind. I, however, would like to breathe new air and see more of what is out there.

All these higher ed experiences I now have in my sack was a stark difference to what  I have in my bigger bag of tricks=how K12 learners learn in environments truly supportive of learning, self direction, and creativity. I want time to enjoy this bag of tricks to be able to translate it into action--and only then can I come back to higher ed as a teacher educator with genuine learnings to share with my fellow students who happen to be teachers. Clearly, I am itching to find something new to experience. But then if that experience will not happen for me, either through further studies abroad, then I may as well make it happen for my child.

And since the Moodle MOOT happened    in SCEGGS, https://www.sceggs.nsw.edu.au/, with a few fellows coming from highly 'organic schools'. I came home  weaving an imagined future. I told myself, if my studies are not happening, despite all my efforts to focus and come up with a very decent research proposal, then at least I want my daughter to have the kind of learning she wants to happen for herself.  I knew that the only way this could happen was to expose her to the possibility of going for a school, quite similar to these organic schools in Aussieland.

I came home from the MoodleMoot, determined to roll the dice! So I played this game- while going for a Plan A and practising for a Plan B. In the end,  I won! My daughter got accepted in  The Beacon Academy, with a 100% scholarship grant=AHA, but only  if I come in as part of Learner Support. The Learner Support is literally a ball of string I can weave in a space which will allow me to do so...with no shitty old unive guidelines and trapping templates to success which to me are hindrances to creativity, development and divergent thinking.

(So did I pull strings just there or did I create a ball of string to weave, lol...I cannot seem to connect the dragonfly metaphor to this ball of string...never mind that!)

I am  nervous and excited, of course.  With this ball of string, I shall look into my sack (=learner support initiatives as AA Program PC) and my big bag of tricks (The Builders' School know-how's and dealings with all kinds of minds) then with  a great resolve to do my payback  (in order to pay it forward), I shall weave somekind of something. Thanks to ALL students (adults=parents and makukulit na AA's and K12 learners at Builders)  who have given me a hard time and may have prepared me for this= the greatest  challenge so finally I can sit down with a small group of learners in support of learning, THEIR way, and of course with nudgings and well placed negotiations from my end. Then perhaps a framework or model shall arise from this out of Phd school experience.

And maybe, if in case my unive needs me back, then I shall try to, but this around I should be even more capable of setting up a learner support for all these adult online learners who practically do not fit the mold, and are openly accessing education the open unive way, who may surely need just as much help to earn what they go for! And despite the label going around that my open unive may be diploma mills, then let it be a diploma mill for all types of learners which traditional settings fail to deal with because they cannot be simply weeded out! Or how about a model of a MOOC for K12 learners, somekind of MOOC-learner support for Gr 11-12's to bridge students to the associate degree and other BDegrees of open unive. Or what if a virtual Gr 6-8, finally which will be a seedbed for prospective blended or fully online learners!

With any of the above happening, there is no way of weeding out...including myself!

Come to think of it, some learners  are not weeds in the first place, but could have been  dragons, all along, and so  fly.  For now, may I just be a dragonfly (AHA...there I go!).



Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Changing Terms of Engagement

I have come to know a good friend who happens to believe in being childfree or being childless in marriage. I kinda get irked with these terms, btw. Childfree connotes you are scot free of children as if children intentionally destroy one's happiness and individual freedom in marriage, and childless connotes being less of a married couple just because you choose not to have children. The terms only cause disengagements in what I think we should focus on at this day and age= engagements towards respect and tolerance for diversity.

At first, I admit, I stand guilty of finding couples who choose not to have children as strange. I could not, for the life of me understand, how a married couple can do this by choice because for me, having children seemed to be a natural choice out of the decision to get married, otherwise, why even. One can be just be BFF with a man, and live together with no legal terms nor status to bind them together because, after all, love and commitment should be enough.

Getting the marriage contract, by law, for example in the Philippines or under a church blessed-marriage, in my understanding, binds you to your pledge, your partner and to your fellowmen= your family and friends as witnesses, to be together 'forever' or least for as long as you choose to love each other BECAUSE it is a pledge to build family and care for relationships, as one's possible contribution to society. Building a family requires time and effort, and therefore the number of years together assures that the tasks of family maintenance are carried out. Or at least if divorce should happen, both are equally bound to ensure an equal share of provisions for the upkeep of the members of the family.

Add to this is a hardheld stance on  certain forms of contraception which inhibit child-bearing through invasion of female reproductive parts, whether surgical, physical or chemical. I find it an injustice to prevent childbearing by having the woman's parts undo the job and NOT the other way around such as having the man take the magic pill instead. Or at least, both should make effort to prevent conception, and not just the female body.

And so, the decision to get married, to me is a decision to raise a family and  the choice to practice fair contraception for family maintenance. And when I say a family, I mean relationships over time and not JUST having children, but caring for one's self and your fellow human beings who happen to be your loved ones=partner and offspring, as you go through life's changes and challenges.

In as much as I value my choice to have a family, I do value friendships. Therefore  finding time to know a friend, requires one to appreciate and not pass judgement on a friend's choice. This requires me to have a second look at my choices and that of a friend who chose to be at the opposite end. So, following an FB friend's feed on a certain type of marriage  is one I have taken time to read. Read I did, and finally I have something to contribute, but through a choice of words instead.

I start by suggesting a change to the terms of engagement. I would like to veer away from the 'child' factor as if it is the only thing that spells the difference between a childfree/less marriage and those with children. Also, with due respect to the child whose voice we have isolated in this argument of whether childfree/less couples are happier than those with child/ren, and why even bother to ask couples why they choose not to have children. This current state of engagement is likened to asking why a homosexual is homosexual and whether being black is happier than being white or whether one is less happier as a European than an Asian. I mean, get real! We can never learn from each others' perspectives and experiences with these kinds of categorization when we are faced with deep discussions about human-kind.

Hence, I bring to the table new terms: a couple-driven marriage  and a family-driven marriage...to mean that what we are talking about here are relationships we choose to build. One type of marriage focuses on the relationship of the couple while the other type of marriage focuses on relationships between and among members of the family. And I put both types of marriages in one category=happy and successful marriages, to include maybe those who choose to be happily married to their jobs, their dogs, or their computers, or their narcissistic selves.

Then of course, I leave out on the unhappy marriages because, really, it is no use talking about unhappy marriages and its root causes because clearly unhappiness happen in either types of marriages, and even whether you are single or not, or whether there are children or not.  And to even go down the path of asking why is futile.  People are unhappy because they choose to be and choose to stay that way, mainly because of poor decision making. Why bother to talk about their concerns when I think these are matters left with the therapist or a counselor.

Getting back to the category of happy folks, I then suggest that we go for understanding humankind over putting these types of marriages as poles apart when in fact, they are not. And so for these very happy marriages, whether couple driven or family driven, I would rather know these:

1) Given tragic incidences, such as death of a loved one in the marriage, how does the partner or how do the other family members cope and stay happy?

2) What common challenges do couples experience, in a couple driven marriage and family driven marriage?
What are their unique workarounds? or ways of problem solving? negotiating? ways of supporting? or how about  strategies for conflict resolutions?

3) How do these types of marriages define individual space? How do couples or members care for their individual selves?

4) At what point was there a breakdown or a meltdown in the relationship/s and how was the turnaround like? Or are there even breakdowns and meltdowns unique to each type of marriage?

I am quite sure differences and commonalities shall arise if we care to stop and find out, even before we pass judgement on each others' choices. But all these point to fruitful discussion with a new focus:
our unique ways of finding happiness, at ALL cost, with a partner, with partner+offspring, with one's self.

So, let's lay down our ARMED words  and questions, and instead arm ourselves with better terms of engagement, take on new perspectives and  arrive at genuine respect and understanding.


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Letting THIS MUCH Go....

After 1.5 years of trying to make this doctoral studies work, I finally was able to let it go. Letting go can be likened to throwing your cares to the wind and simply saying to one's self that ALL is still well.

I realized this after meeting with my co-founders of The Builders' School. We were talking about teacher loads, and future classes. The school can afford to no longer accommodate me. This only means that I can step back and see that a major dream has been fulfilled--and that is to become useless, and carry on other tasks to do.  I have a bit of space to create something, even if it means not doing this as a doctoral student or in the academe.

Then comes the fact that my daughter, now at 7th grade will be moving on to HS. My Miranda, my loving child who has so much to offer, and  who has been one of the reasons why the Builders' School was set up, will now have a first crack at life. Yesterday, we had an early drive to visit The Beacon Academy to submit an application for scholarship.

Looking now at this spacious school, and looking back at the early years I set up my small school, I have come to appreciate ALL other schools I have been involved with.  If I can draw an image of a full rainbow, but on the ground I am stepping on, then that's how I see all of it. These schools were products of hard work, commitment, and most of all, love... and it's all alive and working, in the Philippines where everything seems doubly difficult to effect change.

The school is such a lovely place to be and I felt proud to be a Filipino....sans my UP inspired shitty class consciousness. Though I know very well that The Beacon Academy comes across as the school for the rich, seeing familiar faces in their work spaces only tells me...that WE ARE ALL in this together. The middle class staff only deserve the best pay so they can send their children to other good schools of their choice. Because even upper class Filipinos and foreign students deserve the love of teachers and school leaders who have equally sacrificed their time and effort to just make quality education available.  It has a school  office system which insists on paying the right taxes so it can support services for the lower class. And true enough, this education must come at  a price. Truer, that I cannot, for the life of me, afford that price. But even that reality, I have managed to let go....for there is no harm in trying and achieving a noble goal.  The dream seems to be quite  lofty my daughter and I, and there is this risk that I may take it hard in case my daughter does not get in, but so what. Everyone deserves a chance to try.

I am very nervous since this is my daughter's first attempt at going for her dreams, and so  I hold her hand, and cross my fingers just the same. I almost cried after reading her essay. There is so much purity in her thoughts...how can I have such a daughter!

In the same breath, I release all cares for myself. I have held my breath far too long waiting for a response from QUT. It did come, and still at a price I  cannot afford. Only a doctoral scholarship from UP will pull me through.

With all these, I choose not to hate the world, blame poverty, nor curse the imperialists...or perhaps not yet, HAH!  I will do what it takes, keep calm, and carry on. Such is life...and when you're getting older, why waste time on negativity. There is still something out there to live for.

So this is me, falling in line, up there and saying, thanks for all these opportunities, and sorry for the times when I chose to drown in the pleasures of the world and not look your way, pretending that you do not care nor have the eye to do so in the first place.


Friday, January 3, 2014

Murang Panaginip

Sa mga panahon ngayon,  ang pinakamurang pwedeng gawin ay ang managinip nalang muna. May dalang lungkot ito, dahil, kahit gaano kamura, kung sa huli ay wala kang pambayad para mabuhay ang panaginip mo, saan ka pa, diba?

Isa't kalahating taon ko din binuno ang isang panaginip.  Bago duon, halos bitawan ko ang PhD dahil hindi ito kasama sa aking mga panaginip. Subalit dala ng trabaho, inangkin ko na rin ito.  Tinakwil ko na ang pagpapatuloy nito sa Eduk dahil sabi ko sa sarili ko, minsan ko lang gagawin ito sa buhay ko. Gusto kong gawin sa paraang nararapat sa paningin ko. Kaya isang taon kong binuo ang isang proposal para sa isang pag-aaral na talagang akin at gusto ko. Inangkin at iniyakan pa kamo! Sa pag-aantay ng sagot mula sa iba't ibang unibersidad, sumubok akong magtagni ng bagong panaginip. Ito ang pagbitaw sa isang trabaho upang maging bukas sa ilang posibilidad, na bumuo ng bagong panaginip sa ibang institusyon kung saan maari akong magturo at tumanda nang maluwalhati dahil ilalaan ko ang oras, talino at pagod alang alang sa anak ko, at alang alang sa patuloy na paglikha ng kaalaman sa larangan ng edukasyon.

Sa puntong sinimulan ko ang bagong pananaginip, may dumating na balita mula sa QUT. Tanggap ako, subalit kelangan may salapi akong pambayad sa unang semestre dahil hindi pa naaprubahan ang aking scholarship na hindi ko alam kung may kasiguruhan dahil sa edad ko. Sabay pa noon, nalaman ko na nailimbag ang isang aklat sa India kung saan may kontribusyon ako.

Sa ilang sandali, naisip ko, may pag-asa pa pala ang PhD ko. Subalit, matapos alamin ang ilang detalye at bagay bagay, di aabot ang pera ko para man lang sa unang deposito.

Biglang napaisip ako tungkol sa mga estudyanteng ISKO at ISKA,  ilang libo lang ang halaga ng kanilang panaginip at halos di magkandaugaga upang matupad ang pag-enrol sa ilang kurso, at halos magkumahog pa para sa miscellaneous fees. At naalala ko noon, sabi ko: College Ed comes at a price--there's no such thing as free tuition in universities. Aray ko....napakatotoo!  Heto ako, 5.5 milyong piso ang halaga ng isang panaginip.

Nakakapikon ang kahirapan. Ang daling sabihin: TO HELL WITH PHD....TO HELL with HIGHER ED!!!

Kaso hindi lang kasi ito PHD, kundi isang hamon at pagsubok para sa akin---isang ordinaryo at medyokrrrreng UP grad (masmalutong sa Pinoy kaysa mediocre) na marahil may bahid pa ng LD; isang hambag na gurong nagpaka- trying hard magturo sa kolehiyo; isang taong walang pasensya kaya rin walang ipon. Ang gusto ko lang naman ipahiwatig ay ito: kakayanin ko ito dahil kapag ako bilang ako ay nakaya ito, eh lalo pa ibang mga tagaUP na di hamak na masmatalino pa sa kin o ibang public school teacher na malamang baka mas may pera pa sa kin. Gusto ko, balang araw, masasabi ko, kung ako nakaya ko, kakayanin rin ninyo.

O maari rin naman talagang ganito----TO HELL WITH PHD!  Marami pang ibang bagong panaginip sa buhay ko.