Arroz Chicken Soup for my Soul

Dahil may tira-tirang chicken breast bones ang aking AirBnb host, nasayangan ako. Bukod sa chicken breast, may pakpak. So pinatulan ko muna yung pakpak bago kinuha ang chicken buto butong may konting laman at ni-ref.

Subalit sa dala na rin ng nais kong magsabaw, tyinaga kong gumawa ng arroz caldo.

Pinakuluan muli ang buto, inantay lumamig, at saka hinimay konti para sa naiiwang chicken laman. Nagdikdik ng bawang, naghiwa ng sibuyas at binudburan ng luya at saffron powder. Pinakuluan pang muli at inantay ang panganghalian.

Ha? Ano kamo? Naghimay ng manok? Nag arroz caldo? Ako!!!

Oo ako. Habang hinimay, dun ko naisip si Vic…ang aking butihing maybahay. Mas maybahay siya kase sa aming dalawa, mas si Vic ang talgang kaya mamalagi sa loob ng bahay para magtrabaho at magluto. Sya ang asawang may tiyagang gawin lahat ng mga iyon para siguraduhing kapag kainan na, magsasama muli kami mula sa aming mga nuknok sa bahay—si Miranda sakwarto na forever nanunuod ng KDrama, Narcos at of course, walang katapusang HW. Si Mauro na marahil nagdrorowing o nagvividyo geym o nagchachat o nagmumuni muni…at ako, nag aaral-nananaginip-nabubugnot sa pag-unawa ng mga babasahin at kung paano isulat ang mga kung anu ano.

I guess, uwing uwi na ko para makaisip na mag arroz caldo.

Subalit lulubusin ko ang mga huling araw kong ito sa Toowoomba kung saan ako dinala ni Lord. Ang timing nga naman niya oo…walang katapat! Nasa plano nya lahat ito….alam nya ang panahong magiging busy ako, magiging distracted ako, mapapariwara sa mga life priorities ko. Alam nya lahat yun. At alam din nya kung kelan nya ko bubunotin sa mga iyon para bigyan ako ng muling pagkakataon—sideline lang ang pag-aaral, paalala nya.  Ang Toowoomba memory ko ay bilang pagtanda na tumatanda na ko at ok lang magrelaks nang sa ganoon matanto ko ang katiyakan ng buhay at kamatayan, at ang paglalakbay sa katandaan…at magandang paalala na sa naiiwan kong buhay, may oras para gumawa ng arroz caldo  dahil may oras para tumigil –may oras maalala na ako ay loved---let’s stop and talk a while in the one world of Nescafe…I mean, yeah, I miss you Vic…everything about you and the meals you cook for us at our lovely Binan home….our UP squatter stint, our Teachers Village and your Mahabagin days…and see I forgot that other street name where we stayed. Only you will be able to remind me of those.

And only you who will be around as we grow old together, dearly. Id hate the idea of cooking arroz caldo alone and by myself in our Binan home. But if it has to come to that, I know I will end up doing that just to remember you, and Toowoomba, my early Phd days, God looking out for me, and having thoughts of u…arroz chicken soup for my soul.

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Grrrrrapes!

These grapes are kinda juicy J

So finally I had my first taste of those grapes. I didn’t realize it could be that juicy.

For one, the RedTrain Bootcamp was a bit of a slow start…the usual intros, context, essential agreements…I was hoping to get down to writing at once. I was planning to just pretend to be ‘with’ other participants just to get a chance to meet with a Learning Advisor to finally get that Chapter 3 done. Only because collaboration is nothing new to me. Ive had successes with it. Im seeing my doctoral studies as a chance to finally focus on MY OWN INDIVIDUAL research – since that has always been put aside due to other projects with colleagues and co teachers which  had to be prioritized, fruits of which have actually gotten me here – a clearer research topic to set the direction of future research and life projects for the next & last 10 years of my teaching career.

Then again, perhaps I took the first day a bit for granted.  Within a few hours of Day 2, everything just fell into place – it got the creative juice out of me, but then I know for sure, it’ll get juicier in the days to come.

Looking back, my first few published works were products of collaboration, within my informal research community. Those were attempts to reach out to other fellows because I didn’t trust my initial ideas and own writing. Co-writing those papers then was really a good way for me to get the validation I needed. But also because I actually liked writing about real life experiences as an educator who has made the rounds—from a grade school setting to an informal community based setting, public secondary ed, IBO world school, fully online teacher ed ---back and forth, sideways -- progressive vs traditional schooling,  view from the top and the bottom, etc etc etc. I finally was able to write lots about those through case studies here and there for the sheer joy of decluttering my brain and coming up with something shareable.

This second shot at a fulltime doctoral study project , however, is something bigger than the prior case studies I’ve made. It requires more focus, more skills in data gathering and analysis, a steady resolve to take more risks and to finally find comfort in my own voice. This time around, the accountability becomes greater because it will involve working with other students and teachers beyond my Builders’ School and my  open university. It requires more attention, care and responsibility to make sure trust and respect shall pervade ---pretty much sounds like another marriage….whew!!!

 And so I can only draw inspiration from this RedTrain experience of collaboration…which to me is simply about being naked --- a better sounding word in Filipino is ‘hubad’ or 'lumpiang hubad' (food version) = those yummy Fil-Chinese veggie rolls, unwrapped. Collaboration is like laying down your weapons, taking off your armour…to see each others’ real skin for all its moles, freckles, bumps, wrinkles and colors….because your mates are struggling as you are, and  keeping strong as you are. And in each other, we can only find an ally --- a coach, a cheering squad, an invigilator (of the thesis writing kind) or someone with another pair of eyes trying to make sense of your writing. Collaboration as I’ve shared to willing listeners in my small group, entails seeing each others’ strengths and limitations and having the willingness to engage in the process because of a shared goal to learn and contribute.  In a research writing sense, imagine Petrea and David seeing my naked brain—for all its mess, strangeness, and indecisiveness but they’ve managed to hold on, having a bit more trust in me. I know they are paid to do it, but they really do it pretty well. At my QLD university, I feel that I’m not just a student statistic so I shall continue to rely on Leoni’s words ---that they are here to help.

In between alone time, listening and thinking during Day 1, were worthwhile exchanges with Shirley and Barbara---all coming from our own causes and convictions, and that drive to make something out of those. Barbara was ahead of us and working on 4 journal articles from her dissertation while Shirley and I started just this year. Bonnie and I were working on our proposal, Susan was working on her dissertation writing and a grant proposal.  Imagine the spread in other groups??? And the varied fields we all came from ---agriculture, aviation, physics, education, engineering, economics, IP studies, music --- each having that niche in research (…and we haven’t even gotten around talking about hobbies!)

So, here’s the juice: I’ve got a pack of great feedback, quite honest and reassuring ones from Shirley, Bonnie and Nicole…and of course the more explicit rewording from Susan and Marcus---I practically had no need to see Batman (though I shall demand F2F coach time to learn the how-to's & gain skills in helping my future research advisees). Plus, that instant lift from Barbara and Billy to get my mind off the written word.

I can only feel gratitude: Christine, Marcus, Douglas and Joan (plus all the members of the team)…at the sight of grapes or the taste of grape juice….you shall be remembered.

Love Letters to my M&Ms

Dearest Miranda,

Something up there in the clouds which make me thank God for wishes granted, past blessings and surprises which have yet to come. You know, He does that. This Queensland trip was one.

It was a good wait to get into a Phd and He finally made it happen.

But definitely, you Miranda, is a wish granted.

I prayed for a girl, to be different from me, so that she wouldn’t have to deal with how it is to be me (strange and all). What I got was someone strange-er – hardworking, determined, committed, in love with animated characters, with a dry sense of humor and so prettier with her lipstick on.

The thing is, I was only able to wish up to your high school. And you got that together….and soooo DONE soon. The rest of it, I trust you will create. And being the person that you are now, I know you will move forward.

But before that even happens, can we pause a while?…and just take time to thank the Lord for watching over you.

Now should be a good time for a new set of wishes. My prayers are:

1)      That He keeps you safe all through College so that you land a job to keep yourself happy and comfortable.

2)      That He gives you strength to hurdle daily challenges

3)      That you eventually learn to take care of others in the manner that your family, friends and other  loved ones have taken good care of you

4)      That you gain a thankful heart and eventually learn to rely on Him for anything small or big

The choice to give back, and how to be blessing to others is your part to figure out.

There is no harm in  having a little faith and a humble heart to ask God for your heart’s desire.

High school is to feed your mind. Learning goes on during your lifetime for as long as you have a good brain. While at that, you will feed your heart and soul…whatever and however that means.

Much love,

Nanay

Mauro, my dearest !!!

Last trip to Australia, I had wishes for Miranda dear…and it has happened.

Back then, I had no wishes for you just yet. You were just a kid with your dad in some apartment…very much a gradeschooler.

But now, you are 13!  So now, I have asked the Lord  a few things for you…and I will secretly, sincerely and fervently pray for those wishes to come true.

The thing is, I can not tell. You know in the Bible, when God revealed Himself to Mary…Mary didn’t go around proudly and loudly speaking of God’s revelations. She savored the good news in her heart.

So maybe this time, I’ll try to be more like Mary (than Jonah, Mary Magdalene or a Prodigal Son or a Good Samaritan).  My wishes for you are meant to stay first in my heart. This is because I don’t want my wishes to get in the way of what YOUR OWN WISHES will be.

Here are the present ‘likes’ that I hope you will like, too:

1)      Id like for you to really enjoy high school and having new friends.

2)      Id like for you to be a great friend to any boy and girl who needs your brand of friendship.

3)      Id like for you to keep your love for sports and drawing and painting as it is something only You in the family can manage to do

4)      Id like for you to continue helping your dad cook

5)      Id like for you to check on your sister and your lola most of all

6)      Kiss, hug and pray for your dad and Miranda every night…and ME, too.

There…. Send me by FB messenger the exact art stuff that you said you wanted.

The thing is, if it’s Made in China, may as well get it through Lazada (for Xmas)…

I really don’t know what art stuff you can get from here.

But I promise steak dinners should be forthcoming.

There….

When the going gets tough, the Underwoods get going!

When the going gets tough…the Underwoods get going.

Id like to say, I do, too, though not in a Claire and Francis manner.

 

It can be tough to really know it in your face!!!

 

Ive been going round in circles  and just when I thought I have moved forward, Im back to the same comments and questions my advisers have raised about my research questions since April to June = Sem 1 at my QLD university.

 

So this is what Ive accomplished so far:

 

      1)      Ive learned a lot about DBR…but had to set it aside for now.

2)      My focus is not the teacher training BUT the exploration of the COI

3)      Im really just aiming to  understand LC through the presences of the COI as a first step

4)      Im relearning how to do a case study research, the right way. I can make use of qualitative and quantitative methods, haha!

5)      That this time around, I am not just about to give up.

 

I need to consciously lay these out to remind myself that yes, I am getting somewhere, and yes I have no other choice but to carry on.

 

In the midst of learning are also points of reaching frustration levels…almost 3 times this Sem 2.

You know that feeling when you’re trying your damn best and yet it feels like your head I banging against the wall. I’m trying to shake the sense out of it but nothing comes out. You know that feeling that instead of thinking deeply, I think in circles trying hit but then I just always keep missing the point of the feedback. It feels like a guessing game –am I getting what my adviser is trying to point out??? Am I finally getting it??? Oh no, I’m not getting it. Or that feeling when things are just about clear, I still see an alternate area and go for it so I end up wasting time because if I don’t cover it that way, I may not be able to zero in on just one. Everything seems to be tentative, fussy or messy.

 

I ask myself: Isn’t this was how it was when I was doing doctoral work at my university in the Philippines.?

 

I beg to say it is NOT similar because this time, after banging my head and going around in circles, and yes, ok with a bit of crying out of self-frustration, I say to myself I can do this and will keep on doing this.

My advisers thankfully have held on…as dutifully and as interestingly as they can. I say interestingly because I am amazed with their professionalism, capability and kindness= the quality of mentoring I need at this time. I know I am doing my best and whether it shall take an interim report or whether I get into an Academic Intervention Strategy to  help me get through this, then I will get through. This is me acknowledging that I need all the help I can get and YES,  I can help myself.

What does university education, the Australian kind mean to me now? It means my flaws are real as can be and I can face up to these. In helping myself, I know that in the future, I will be able to help another fellowman in need.

In the midst of political turmoil, social decay, frustrating leadership in my home country under D'Tardism which I have no control over, all I can do is solve ME so I can solve what there is to be.

…there is no other way, no other time but NOW…and with much prayer, God will help me prevail.

 

 

 

 

When the Sandbox Gets Too Dirty….

Time to step out....

Ive spent about 5 months in the sandbox, looking at different tools, some familiar some unfamiliar. The unfamiliar got me a bit excited and nervous.

It’s this thing called Design Based Research. So I got down to reading…more reading, writing and writing, trying to make it fit. I became eager to learn about something new to try. But I still find the territory unfamiliar. Will reading more about it and writing more about it do the thing? Not quite sure.

 While I was trying to make it fit though, I saw that my Chapter 3 is still general mix of sorts – DBR, Mixed Methods and Case Study – it was practically like everything of everything. It only goes to show what Im capable of taking in or understanding…but I need time to step back a bit, reflect and foresee the exact contribution my research will be doing, then work back from there.

I was worried that going for a DBR is too big a risk to go for, but I still managed to understand what it’s about and look forward to the day that I can say to myself Im ready to go for it.

So....the verdict is this: 

I think I may have the skills and the energy to learn DBR  BUT it is not yet the time to go for it as far as this HDR is concerned. 

And this is when I say, time to get out of the sandbox because it is time to set priorities straight, before I  get my brains too mixed up.

That being a wake up call, here are my new goals:

1)    I want to use this time during my  doctoral studies to master data analysis techniques in qualitative research. It is an area which has been purely guesswork from my end.

2)    Then Id like to get into a study where I can have different unique cases.

I still feel positive, not disheartened, given the idea that I will still be working with different cases as a way to determine which among the cases can be a potential school to partner with. And by that time, I will be able to do a DBR. What can be more interesting is if I could finally be able to do a DBR with actual collaborators: research students, public school teachers and student teachers doing practice teaching.

IN OTHER WORDS….

Option A: Go take a risk on DBR – be clear about the intervention and iteration portion

1)    Read a sample DBR Theses. Go back to revise my research questions.

2)    Revise Chapter 3:  remove non essentials, to make it into a solid DBR.

3)    Magnify portion on Intervention and Iteration

4)    Follow suggested structure of a DBR Proposal—based on Herrington et al

5)    Then revise Chapter 3.

        Option B: Simplify your life.

1)    Find time to read more intently on Qualitative research.

2)    Beef up missing portions of your Chapter 3

3)    Go reflect on end contribution and work back.

4)    Review salient points which panel might ask: ex Why COI, constructivist if in case your cases are still in transition or instructivist---hence Im looking into SP and TP intersection= as a means to support transition to constructivist;  Why COI—because frameworks have been used grounded on it but they seem to be missing out the point on looking at intersections and doing it integratively.

5)    Capitalize on what you have accomplished= there are clear research gaps your study would like to address. Go for the Significance once and for all.

Again, you have done things to rule out so that you can rule in what should matter at this time in your HDR study.

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Breathing in....aaaand out.