One Silent Night for my VIPs v.2.019

This is 51 years spending Xmas here on earth and it truly is getting old.
I'm starting to dread going to church to SEE all the capitalist Xmas noise.

But this year should really be a good time to pause and quietly look up to thank the Lord. This is willing myself to keep memories of people cuz my tunnel vision can be hyperfocused on mere process & product.

Best wishes to this year's VIPs of my soon to be over PhD Journey v.2.0.

Let me do my greets of gratitude:

LM - I owe you for that Bukas Palad concert I attended which sealed my truerfaith in God. I understand why you had to un-friend me. But my heart can handle an overflow of pain coming from your much bigger pain. So I took it fair and square, melted it down  because I am one to get hurt & heal fast being over-loved and a keeper of little joys.  Sending over that rectangular plastic container with that  Laing dish says it all. I accept your forgiveness :)

Rachel Red - You have and will always be the bearer of my gurlish, weirdest and funniest stories of only u-know-hhhhwattdafs.  Can't believe we  have remained in touch through all these years since HS. You have listened to all my whines, grumblings and ADHD talk, confessions, misspells and pasikots included. Let's get old and stay young.

Lolita  - I forgive you and thanks for explaining. Come Christmas 2020, tell me about him. And I'll tell you - Sabi ko na nga ba, eh!

CC - We've met briefly but hit it off great. You have added color to my last few days of being at Toowoomba. Our shared stories and insights into self-doubt & our demigods, mommying and our children, giftedness and the X-men, the Guilty Feminist...need I say more? It got me thinking about femininities and masculinities and corresponding literature archetypes.
       
Anna-HEART-Alex - Yups, you are my generous and caring AirBnb hosts turned friends. Got a separate blog entry just for u2 and Dante :) Quilt+Coffee+Tuna Pesto Pizza=Lots of A-heart-A

Maria Power - Your journey and your story have been all worth it. I heart your spirit and your energy. Thanks for asking help. It's the least I could do...and I can really do mowhhh. Just holler.

Xin Yan  -  Yes, that tasty broth with cauliflower and braised beef with potatoes are the first genuinely home-cooked Chinese meals I am so thankful for. It kept me nourished through my brain-tired days & nights. Your smiles and our mix of Englishes are the only reasons I will even look up conferences in China. It should be fun to let you drive me around and see the lights.

Gu of Xin Yan - Will do my best to  treasure that beadwork ala pendant forever. Send me a pic of your dyed hair when you reach your 16th birthday.  Or better yet, let me do the dyeing for you. Then, we'll both say Happy Buthde in the Aussie accent way.

Eva - Yes, you are the only Eva I know. You have trusted me with your stories and I will keep it for a while then throw it to the wind so that my wishes will overtake it and mine will come true FOR YOU. There is a time for everything, woman. And we shall meet again someday to have that ONE smoke. Dadalhin ko mula sa Pinas para uber-mura.

Nickie - You have been a really sweet junior sis to Sigma Delta Phi Batch '87 me. I admire your loyalty, your mommy-ness, sense of fun, and sense of porma...most of all your lovely home = Shadow + children + your one and only Chef (perfume included).

Teh Dr D. - I'll take your D's anytime versus the Duterte D. Yups, my mind can afford to contain your comments found all over my chapter writing AND I WILL DO ALL the rewrites. Gahhdami and Gademet, all because I want more checks on my white paper!!! That's the least I could do in return for all the reading & fixing I put you through, not to mention the big chunk of my life drama and atypical brain I laid at your feet. You handled my work with care and I can only say 'bless you a hundredfold'.

All the above = 12 candles...HeartUAll :)

'Cycle of Pain'

I was watching the video on Writing Arguments where the speaker 'talked too much' about the following but in a good, well-meaning way:
>thinking through arguments
> the difficulties involved in communicating ideas in writing as HDR students
>main ideas and supporting ideas
>tools for brainstorming and thinking through
>coherent paragraph writing
>SEEL
>gently guiding the reader through your ideas

I'd say 'talked too much' because now I remember viewing this initially while I was doing my findings chapter but stopped short cuz I was getting distracted by his accent amidst the talk. While listening again, I couldn't help but mimick his pronunciation of:
actual - akchuwal
argument - aahgyumint
issue - issshoo
structure - strukchuh
literature - litrachuh
making - maykin
supporting - supohwting

Yups, I get distracted by accents and vocabs most especially during PGECR mtgs.  Imagine what else happens to my brain when Dr PD spills out his high vocabulary every now and then. And he does it oh so naturally, leaving me with a big question mark on my forehead. I caught lovely-looking Hanna having the same experience so I just had to blurt: "What was the word again....?"

Moving forward, I picked up a line from Dr D which all the more resonated (aha, got to finally use that word in context...again, re(heh)sonated) >> PhD = Cycle of Pain. What a way to label your dissertation writing but then you see, that is just sooo true.

I've been through my share of pains in life and this PhD is something else.

My pains are not that much when it comes to relationships.  In fact, I chose to get that part settled once and for all so I can get on with my life.  My bigger pains have always been job related - the fact that you invest your heart and mind to be part of a school community through thick and thin. You work your butt off to achieve shared goals then you realise later on that because your perspectives change or your ideas are seemingly different and no longer fit so the painful choice of uprooting yourself. You cut ties because you have outgrown their process & and you have to confront your new questions, new daydreams and the uncertainty of whether you can make those work in a new environment. So you move on,  take a chance all over again knowing that there is a slight chance of 'hope and happening'. You simply rely on your dreams to keep you going and hope that these dreams are shared by most in your new found organisation. The challenge of problem solving keeps you going, you build new ties with the realisation that your collective imagined thingies will work.  You just don't give up despite foreseen pains cuz there is just too much work which needs to get done.

Then of course the pain of childbirth.  In one big push, the pain  disappears in your memory as you rely on the drugs to help you forget the initial pain.  Science says our bodies heal so it does.  Then you see your lovely offsprings grow up to have a go at life, and share in their joys and pains. The pain of childbirth is forgettable in other words because of the joy your loved ones bring and because you have more things to look forward to together.

Now this thing about the cycle of pain known as PhD...the thing is, the pain is a self-inflicted kind of pain in the brain and chest. It was a life choice between:
> adopting a child (which involves other people's lives I wasn't prepared to bother) or
> staying as a teacher, program coordinator in my small school
(which btw, is no longer a relevant job as the program is up & running) or
> getting out of the academe and settling for a high-paying job in some international school.
> sticking to my daydream + noble goals of professor-dom, a way to teach teachers in an organization with people I can grow old with, hence the PhD

I chose this pain because it still feels like a good fit.
I got other ideas to push for at UPOU, and being at UPOU is still very much worth my time.

The cycle of pain is 2x and the work triple in magnitude for the kind of learner I am. This Phd v.2.0 (in suspense) does not merely mean hitting it off with a new-found adviser to bounce your  research ideas with. The true test is whether your ideas are valid and worthy to be accepted as knowledge further qualified as a significant contribution to the discipline, the field, the practice, existing knowledge which have been mined by people's brains before my brain came along.

And so there goes the pain of trying to think with coherence,
to see clarity in the mess of my writing,
the pain of finding out that your sentences do not seem to make sense to others,
the pain of finding ways to think when you can't think
cuz pfffeelings get in the way,
the pain of realising that the thinking and writing required of this PhD runs against what ADHD's are so great at doing -
selective memory, perseveration, lack of executive functions, distractibility, impulsivity.

But then, the pain of dwelling in this pain is making me sick.
Sooo sick of it. I only have 75 days left.
Let me just juxtapose this with my 'cycle of joy' to be consistent with mood-swinging.

So what are my joys in this dissertation phase itself -
JOY =

- seeing that findings are mostly done
- I have actual chapter drafts
- I got check marks on my sheets
- cleaned up varied but minor messy sections
- I have my chapter intros
- I am relearning something old and learning something new
- I can still afford to understand a few more readings to fit into my RRL
- the challenge of putting down in writing my 'aahgyumints'
- seeing  grace coming from Amor and Victor, the best K-12 learning support teachers I know, moving in full circle and benefitting me = recipient of the best academic writing support there is at USQ
- I have my daydreams intact so when I get angry at me, I turn to
   future work plans post-PhD
- knowing that there are real, honest to goodness people you can rely on for help

In this cycle of joy and pain, I pay homage to Guillermo Tolentino's Oblation, the silent witness to the immense pain of it ALL and the great coper that I am who managed to jog-sprint UP Diliman's oval on several occasions. I couldn't bear for my children to see me cry endlessly, so instead, I spent more time at work (and research), and finished off with a routine of running. From the UP Theatre, I'd do a sprint to reach Oble, to see his open arms, palms upturned towards the sky = surrender/ deliverance/ offering/ freedom.

I have pulled myself out of that cycle of depression = cycle of immense pain.

So, note2self:
Remember who you are and be kinder to yourself.
You CAN and you will have your life back.
You are loved by God from up above and so this cycle of pain
is meant to keep you stronger for the greatest pain there is to confront
as you move closer to death = your 2nd life.

You will come back to this cycle of pain over and over again, but in a different context and will find new meaning in it.

Ahhhmen to that.

Quilt + Coffee + Tuna Pesto Pizza = Lots of A-heart-A

One day this week was about ‘when all the roads that lead to them are winding, when all the lights that light the path are blinding' = just like staring at my computer for more than 30mins, and nothing coming out of my brain, and so ME cry like toddler....a toddler who is done with her sandplay and failing to appreciate what she has made, questioning whether what she has done so for will be good enough, then asking again why she ever chose to be in this sandbox when she was quite happy & safe in her classroom.

I almost gave up on me that Friday while awaiting feedback for my Chap 4. Been imagining my weekend at BNE for days as a well deserved reward for my chapter writing. And also bec I've been postponing it for the nth time.  But I marked it on my calendar Nov 30  = 

>Difficult Methodologies - thinking of future writing, people’s narratives I'd like to capture post-PhD 

>  imagining hitching a ride with Dr Bromdal and listening to her story 

>  imagining cozy time with Alex and Ana, my first AirBnb hosts whom I’ve come to ‘heart’, especially their Dante the Foxteria.

> a museum tour former yoga teacher

I was slowly losing sight of spending a great weekend as I was on the verge of choosing chapter writing over spending time with people I care about.  

I  thought of cancelling my meeting with Dr D. And just head home and cry myself to sleep. But I sorely needed that meeting to help me ascertain next steps in my other chapters. Can’t be crying in front of him with some mucus ballooning out of my nose, eyebags bulging and all!!! So I said woman, get your act together. Imagine a 50yr.old-toddler-in-distress? My goodness, have a bit of female pride. No can do!

I re-read my RR's vibe then. I quickly watched a Swiftie video. Thought of choosing a song I could play at  Spotify.  Oasis Wonderwall just came out of the blue. It's a song which my student had in mind one time we had dessert at Sweet Inspirations. Never really paid attention to song meanings that time. Quite fitting  for this moment. Found the piano violin version and whhhallla!

Chap 7 reworking came to be.

What this distracted mind could muster to do in an hour’s time, enabled by technology at that! Flashback:

> cry > vibe-RR > music video > spotify > websearch for song lyrics meaning > back2Spotify search for an acoustic version > back2writing :)

Sustained the writing quite a bit to polish Findings section of Chap 7.

Whewww!  A truly deserved weekend. Thanking Netta in my mind and most of all A & A.  Nice talking to you over coffee, nicer playing with your Dante,  so nicer having your handmade pizza  (it went straight to my heart), much nicer sleeping under that 1st ever AirBnb quilt at your Newtown home & laughing at Will Ferrel the Elf,  much more nicer waking up to a perfect morning view,  and nicest having blueberry + banana pancakes which reminded me of my beloveds back home. Precious moments...

This should fuel me for my last few writing days at USQ Toowoomba.

It will get stressful by the day. Like thanks for the reminder Batman, haha.  But I'll hold on to these happy memories with A-heart-A. I WILL GET THIS DONE.

That #31 on the Menu

Now that #31 on the menu just bumped off those Almon Marina chops from my list= well deserved meal at El Attar which came at the right time

Wk 2 Day 1,  I decided to forego U2. Not a good way to start my week with 2 or more things in mind. I haven't eaten white rice in days.  Been spending  extra on Uber for late nights. So I was getting grumpier aaand grumpier.

Then that question - 'Why do I complicate my life?' But since I know the reasons why I chose to go for the PGECR session over spending a few more days at  GCoast area, then the note2self goes: Kitam, sabi ko na nga ba!

Wk 2 Day 4, I decided to just focus on one thing that day = polish my presentation and corresponding notes. That was practically shrinking my tale from an almost 8000-word full paper to a 1800-word piece for the sake of a presentation fit for the cozy group of PGECR/ HDR

Good thing that  Nov 15 turned out to be the energy boost I sorely needed to just get up and GO.
Got a notebook filled with notes= those vocabulary words from a feast of Englishes that day.
Last but not the least, got a double thumbs up + big smile for my presentation, btw. A face sticky to my memory, haha. It goes with my favorite Jolly biscuits = Watta Jolly good smile! I felt like a Gr 3 child wow-ing my teacher-enabler Dr D! So that's what it feels like to be on the other side.

And btw, #31 = I passed my marshmallow test. Good things come to those who wait.
Had it 4free. Thank you, Dr PD!

Night B4 the 15th

...was the night I lay in bed and for the 2nd time this year shed silent tears for this thing called PhD.
Really just tired and hangrrry.  Had nothing to do with my emo-crying moments of auto-ethno writing. In fact the act of writing my auto-ethno and presenting it was a good distraction to a bit of self-denial I'm going through. Ok, I am ready to admit that now I'm in what I can only term as a 'writing rut'.

I have with me feedback from my advisers on chapters I worked soooo hard on. While awaiting feedback and going home for a brief 2-week famtime, I learned more about auto-ethno. Back at Toowoomba, I spent 2 straight weeks to put together Chapters 4, 5, 6, and 7. Met my deadline.
Now, I am confronted with feedback for each chapter. Generally these are the stuff I know I HAVE TO handle soon:

a) moving portions from my discussion to conclusion chapters
b) adding a few statements to explain the graphs/ figures
c) moving portions from discussion to findings
d) answer the research questions

Item d) is the problematic one. I tried 3x this week to write it out, but it feels like I am just going in circles and actually faking it. Faking it because as far as I see it, the discussion portion for each chapter was framed to respond to the research sub-questions. My adviser said it hasn't been answered yet. So I highlighted the portions which to me are my answers to the R-questions. Then of course, I did not stop there. I tried to reword selected statements. The process was strumming my angst. Yes, it's this way during crunch time of paper writing in the past.  I'd drive myself to the ground to get things done and I end up just getting angrier than angry.

But wait, there's more.

This time around, I nipped anger level 2 in the bud.  I said to myself I will dedicate 1 day NOT to push myself to write, and instead, take my time in finalizing my slides. Just one thing for the day. So lahdida, I tested my slides at Room 414. Aha, this is going to work!  Continued on until 4pm, added more pics.

THEN overthinking Aleta kicked in. She checked here slides and found that the ppt was too heavy to send online. Overdoing Aleta did some repairs, went beyond 6pm. By this time, she's orehhhdi tired and hangry. PhD candidate Aleta said, STOP. Tomorrow will be fine. You don't have a track record of fugly presentations.

Whew!  The 15th turned out great. My PhD Journey is now considered as Spoken, in Aleta's kind of English, in Aleta's voice, with a willing, trusted audience.

Lessons learned:
- When angry, stop, get other things done.
- Overthinking = obssessing = really a waste of time.
  May as well spend this time enjoying people around you.
- Remember your record of successes -
- Be kinder to yourself.

...and because you relaxed before your presentation, you met a woman named Catherine.
Something about her, hmmm.  Looking forward to Fitzy's or wherever.

PS This is a good time to remember my housemate = Eva, thank you for just being around and seeing me THAT way. And for trying to make me feel better. Ang sarap sarap talaga ng Roo-ala Bistek Tagalog-with onion galore =ubod nang rami ng sibuyas version mo.  I look forward to the day when we can share 1 cigarette, from 1 Marlboro box of menthol we can both afford, or better yet, a freebie from your beloved.

Patterns + Puno't Dulo

So ako ang iyong konsensya.  Malinaw na galit ka. Galit ka sa sarili mo dahil hindi magawa ng utak mo ang dapat nitong gawin. Dahil tila ata nagkakaganun, inuna mo muna yung isang papel. May maayos naman itong kinalabasan diba. Maari bang huminto saglit at magpasalamat muna. Magpasalamat muna sa mga ito:

>maayos na presentasyon
>masarap na pagkain
>mga bagong kakilala at nakausap
>mga kasiyahan at  kagandahan ng mga tao sa paligid mo

So ok. Medyo galit ka pa rin sa sarili mo. Galit ka dahil akala mo bumabalik ka sa patterns of thinking and behavior. Ano ba yun? Ang pattern na may natatapos kang maayos at may nakikinabang subalit ang linchak mong dissertation ay ganun pa rin. Linchak na linchak pa rin ang itsura.

Sa inis mo, hindi ka man lamang magpasalamat sa nangyari sa araw na ito:
>may advise ka mula sa adviser mo
>may magandang balita mula sa yoga teacher mo
>nakita mo ang RBlock at LBlock
>may natanggap kang email tungkol sa proposal mo

Ano pa bang inspirasyon ang kelangan mo?

Ang realidad na kinakaharap mo ngayon ay pinangalanan mong writing rut. 
Sige lang, bigyan mo ng pangalan. Bigyan mo din ng solusyon.

>set realistic goals
>one step at a time
>you have tried to do something differently and it worked so
>keep the focus
>when it's getting to anger level 3, stop, do other things you can finish
>eat rice?


RESEARCH IS DIFFICULT. DOING RESEARCH IS LIKE DOING SURGERY.
YOU CHOSE TO DO THIS. SO GET UP AND GO...DO WHAT IT TAKES.
NO TIME TO DWELL ON NEGATIVE THOUGHTS BECAUSE CHRISTMAS IS NEAR.

Post-hard truths: Disclaimers

Hard truths:
1) Toowoomba can never be my home.
2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land.
3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb.
4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background
5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU!

Disclaimers...post-hard truths: (for a lack of a subheading)

1) Toowoomba can never be my home... but it's a space I can call my own. I'm adding Toowoomba to my list of sojourns (the promdi-island kind):

a.  Sitio Kalangitan, Capas, Tarlac.. .......1994
b.  Loob-Bunga, Botolan, Zambales.......1995

c.  Cuyo Is., Palawan..............................1998

d.  Tablas Is., Romblon...........................1999
e.  Brunswick, VIC.................................2001
f.   Agra, India ........................................2011
f.  SJV, Laguna .......................................2014

e.  Toowoomba, QLD.......2017...2018...2019 

Though clearly, the name has nothing to do with an island, but more of a melon or  Woomba woomba = reed in a swamp 

2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land

...but not yet in terms of food finds and Australian accents.

3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb

... which I can turn to a happy one. I must look forward to sharing my auto-ethno as a way to connect my story to the 100 and 1 stories I've heard in the PGECR meetings.

4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background

...but if I make it a point to look back and remember at least 10 significant people or less, by writing letters or saying silent prayers in the next 5 years in celebration of my graduation day, then I can at least make the process of fading stretch-span for 2 decades.

5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU! 

So let the work run its course, but let me maneuver it in my own terms and within spaces I'd like for it to happen.

Ingress to Egress 2019

I think I'm starting to feel the stress of this thing called PhD.

Signs:
1) Having more sweets
2) Having more coffee
3) Skipping lunch
4) Non-hydrating
5) Cursing my computer screen
6) More cursing and ahaaays
7) Skipping my walk-run-yoga routine
8) Mood-swinging

All because suddenly I'm realizing I only have 4 'paid' months left.
Starting to doubt myself, and with questions popping out my brain in the midst of writing -
what if my quali methods are incorrect > what if silence from my adviser means my work is awful > what if I fail to see the bigger picture > what if there is no significant contribution at all > what if my Endnote entries need to be redone > what if the Uber driver takes me someplace else ...

All of the what if's tried to get in the way while trying to polish 3 chapters in 3 straight days & nights. Have been working until 10-ish PM. But hey, sent it and met my deadline.

Just when I thought there's nothing more to give, I find there's still something else to give. So the writing, reading and thinking goes on and on.

The thing is, I'm out of that honeymoon stage with my PhD.
I'm starting to un-romanticize my Toowoomba sojourn,
ingress turning to egress in a year's time

Hard truths:
1) Toowoomba can never be my home.
2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land.
3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb.
4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background
5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU!

And so if ALL of these shall pass, what then remains:
> words written and expressed to people who truly matter
> smiles + welcomes + goodbyes
> stories untold in my email draft folder
> home-cooked Chinese meal of cauliflower and tasty broth
> my USQ campus photofile
> E2Y2R2L-FireExit-G422
>SoE Coffee Machine
> Friend St.
> Translink screenshots
> letters, cards and postcards
> Villette & The East of Eden
> Wizard's First Rule
> The Literary Apprentice
> Cafe Valeta by Queen's Park
> daydreams & near death feelings

I feel that this PhD journey is not just about my dissertation = the written product worth my people's money.

This is really about my story of failure and moments of epiphany,
a tale of proving a point all my life as a teacher,
a story of being able to pick myself up,
to finally hug my beloveds and truly deserve them.
Most of all, it's about God's promise fulfilling,
And so in return, THIS promise to pay it forward.

Only gratitude

Today marks my first panic mode day in this dissertation joyride. The panic lasted only for 2 hours, but with 1 hour taking place verrrry early morning.  It was 1:30am and still couldn't sleep.  Something about what my adviser said stuck to my brain. So I started to check flights in case I need to move my stay at Toowoomba should worse come to worst = not completing what I came here for=waste of precious funds.

It took me about halfday to figure out the source of 'why-I-wrote-my findings-and-discussion-chapters-this-way' and finally act on  a real solution. My subheadings ergo content were inconsistent for all 3 major sections of my findings and analysis = Manifestations of the Presences. So though my chunks of qualitative writing make sense to me, I need to make sure it should make sense to the reader-examiner. I spent time to understand why the flow of my work was such. It is because I structured my findings and analysis based on what was being surfaced by the data or should I say how I am interpreting my data. I was like weaving a book chapter section without regard for somekind of predictable pattern to the next few chapters. 

Anyway, in between sorting that out, I kept on telling myself, how else can you make use of your time. So, I managed to get those graphs/ charts/ tables done. While at that, I saw all these little things I have yet to do. Then it felt like my list was getting longer -- I have 3 days left to nail that f***ing chapter. Unless I hurdle that, I won't be able to start reworking 3 chapters and composing last 2 chapters. I feel like one of those Masterchef contestants having 10 minutes left.

So I finally had to stick to my original plan because finally I ruled out the other ways to write this damn thing. The thing is, my brain can't seem to stick to 1 way unless I see for sure the other ways are NOT the ways to do it. 

At 3pm, the writing pretty much flowed. 

This is when I need to express gratitude for the little things that kept me together:

> before 9am, Maria offered me this juicy mango which gave me that energy boost in the morning 

> close to lunch time, I was having sniffles. My seatmate offered me a whole tissue box so I can keep my focus

>Aiden Yeh's Go, go, go response -- that FB reply finally came, such a wait it was.

>Mauro's sudden message, like why at this time? such a coincidence, man!

> Miley Cyrus, your song lyrics kept me in a trance to get thru those nitty gritty chart repairwork

>at around lunchtime, friendly greets from 4 faves in LBlock -  one went - 'How are you, Mahal?'. She's the cutest Dr. I've come across in that side of USQ. Yeps, aesthetics do have this strange effect on my brain.

> saw Gordon Ramsey, T-Block exit while doing my routine walk - THE Gordon Ramsey of LBlock - what a voice, ahhhaaayyy :) :) 

> by 6.30pm, my Chinese housemate offered me her usual beef noodles with  cauliflower -- it tasted supergood. It's the best home-cooked Chinese food one can have after a day's work. 

Now, APowell's PGECR session on things-to-be-grateful-for has finally sank in. If only I can remember what he said exactly. I just know this friendly neighbor of a Spiderman took some time to say his thanks after nailing his thesis.

I still have a loooong way to go. Really loooong way still.
But this is assuring myself that I will nail this! Why so?...see God's message for me and you on this very day: 

I swear, if I can help ADHD/ LD ME through THIS, 

I can help any mala- Sped adult through her/ his PhD.

Acknowledgements v.2.0

I'm getting grumpy and hangrrry. I want to sleep on my King sized bed with Vic and Java beside me. I want rice and chicken inasal.
NOT possible at this time!!!

So, let's do this na = a small but important portion of my dissertation
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This research project is my renewal of vows to the Philippines.
At the most testing time when almost everyone in my FB are either hurting, hopeless or angry, I dug deep to find the reasons for getting into Education in the first place. I believed in it then during Ninoy Aquino's assassination, and I still believe in it now.  Education is still a great weapon against underdevelopment, indifference and hopelessness. 

This journey to educate myself further has  brought me humility, gratitude and rekindled faith in the goodness of people and the love of God. I truly appreciate the greater minds out there who have widened my perspectives, mentored me through qualitative research, listened and challenged me through my academic writing. Through your time and efforts, I have regained trust in myself in order to tread on the last leg of my career as educator-researcher, daydreamer-magic bean-buyer. I'm in this for the long haul.

This research was made possible through the support, resources, inspiration and unselfish knowledge of the following: 

Doctors, amazing and gifted: Dr Arnon Rivera, Dr Teret de Villa, Dr Nemah Hermosa, Dr Lex Librero, Dr Virgilio Manzano, Dr Angelito Manalili, Dr Pat Arinto, Dr Primo Garcia, Dr David Jones, Dr Patrick Danaher, Dr Rachel King, Dr Sophia Imran, Dr Barbara Harmes, Dr Douglas Eacersall, Dr Linda Galligan,  Dr Petrea Redmond and the PGECR group of Doctors and Doctors-to-be - your time and talents are truly appreciated;

Universities and their people: the Research Support Team of USQ,  the University of the Philippines-System, particularly the Office of the Vice President of Academic Affairs and the University of the Philippines Open University - your time and efforts are greatly appreciated.  I shall pay it forward to our studentry.

Teachers, parents, students, school leaders and staff of the Marikina City schools and The  Builders’ School: you have held on through thick and thin for the sake of innovative and progressive education in the Philippines. Press on!

Earl and Nicky and the rest of the Pantillano family: you are my home away from home. There is nothing like our sisterly-brotherly bond in the name of Sigma Delta Phi and Upsilon Sigma Phi.

Rivera, Lazo and Villanueva Clan: my utmost thanks for keeping the love alive over our FB Bonfire and Viber.

Truest friends who go by the name of Rachel, Atel, Queenie, Sol, Nefer, Kat, Diego, and Al-Francis: you have kept in touch with my hyper thoughts and feelings. Please hang in there to keep my heart and mind in place.

Espada and Inocentes family, Anna and Alex: you have kept me warm, well-fed and safe at Queensland. Health and happiness to all of you.

To the couple Julieta '57 and Manuel '57: you still are the sweet and spice of my life. Your love has conquered all. 

U.P. Oblation by Guillermo Tolentino: you have been a silent witness to all my running rage and moments of peace. I lay at your feet compassion and academic excellence. 

Taylor Swift, Dua Lipa, Lorde,  Ennio Maricone, Sting, The Cure,  CMBYN soundtrack, Oasis, Batman, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Villette, East of Eden, The Literary Apprentice, L422 and G422.10: such great company you are all throughout my writing.

And most of all, to the worshipable Teacher Vic, Miranda and Mauro,  you truly are God's likeness here on Earth. Your love is the greatest of all.

ICON 79724 to Student ID 61094432

Woops, where did this come from. Pulled it out of my USQ app folder.
There you go aLeTa.
A reminder for your Implications and Significance portion -

SUMMARY OF RESEARCH INTERESTS and EXPERIENCES
My initial research interests are in the areas of inquiry learning , integrated curriculum and progressive education. These are borne out my rich classroom-based experiences at the K12 levels and being a co-founder of a small, multi grade progressive school (builderschool.org) The small school serves as venue for my classroom practice and have naturally become a source of research ideas to capture program models and pedagogies through case studies in the context of curriculum as lived experience. Graduate level coursework provided me with the tools to critically examine and analyze school practices in curriculum development and supervision. Four (4) published works and a few conference paper presentations are evidences of these sustained research pursuits throughout the years.

With my movement towards teacher education through open university work, I have found new meaning, but still through qualitative research in these areas: virtual communities, platforms and frameworks for blended and online learning, virtual schooling at the K12, and more recently, the communities of inquiry , particularly teaching presence and learning presence. The frames of analysis have widened a bit, but with more focus as seen through three (3) published works and a series of conference presentations, all of which have been made possible through one faculty research grant and research dissemination grant.

My proposed research is about the elements of the Communities of Inquiry Framework, namely teaching and learning presence in the Philippine Open High School programs. My current experiences as a teacher of teachers in an open university has provided me with the theoretical lens to examine blended and online teaching and learning. I foresee fruitful application of this study in the areas of teacher training and professional development related to blended and online course design/delivery among K12/ high school learners, postsecondary learners in alternative and open learning systems. This thesis shall provide the space for prospective linkages towards the development of continuing education short courses for K12 blended and online instructors, quality blended programs at the basic education level and possible Yr 11-12 partner institutional offerings .

Therefore this research shall continue to fuel my humble contribution to the Philippine educational system in the area of educational innovations, improvements and reform which will benefit a select but marginalized group of teachers and learners who have made their choice to get into flexible modes, open schooling or alternative learning systems.

Green Button: Yoohoo, your male brain please

This is like Bilbo Baggins' There and Back again.
Our version isn't so terrible at least.
I can see myself as any of the hobbits while he, a Gandalf.
Must be his hair and height.

Back in Year 2009, we were both junior facs at UPOU. I think he was a year ahead me working on a research project with a senior faculty. Glad that we ended up doing our first stint into co-writing. This is all because of our shared experience of the ONE and ONLY UPOU Community Site, YEAH!!!

Thanks to green chat buttons, email exchanges and shared google sheets. We didn't even have to be together all the time to keep our brains working. Such is the salience > immediacy > social presence - cognitive presence > connectedness afforded by technology. Like a recent finding in my thesis.

After 2-4 years of business as usual with our careers, families, with brief Xmas and birthday greets or FB posts in between, I've come to know that  green button is on full study leave, just like me. Though really, he deserves it more than I do having toiled the toil while about 3 of us went on temporary leave and 1 out of UPOU, now @ANU, Canberra.

AFDL has coursework on auto-ethnography at University of Lancaster while I don't have any while at USQ.  So I'm a bit envious.  I dabbled with auto-ethno back then as AA Program Chair working on "Making Sense of Student Support at a Distance"...eklavoos.  I pulled a paper presentation all the way at Pune. Thanks to JZarate, Hum Prof of my AA's, who gave me great feedback. 

Now, I'm self-studying how to go about this paper for the foreseen PGECR sympo.  It helped that Green Button=AFDL is ON. Need some feedback from him. Here goes:

JRV 
to AFDL

Hi.

I'm submitting this for presentation here at USQ.

Can you pls review-- since you really have clearer, male kind of brain:

PhD Journey:  A Tale from the Backend of v.1.0 – v.2.0

Super salamat!

:)

--> Aleta

AFDL

to JRV

Hmmm.. refer to yourself in the first person instead?

Not sure what to look for, exactly. But that might be a potential issue. Hard to pinpoint the outcomes you were after. Or is the ambiguity deliberate?

JRV 
to AFDL

Good point.

Though I'm trying to avoid referring to I kase baka umiyak ako sa audience. Or sige, let's see ha.

Outcomes - can it be just contribution to ongoing practice? I haven't read so much pa on auto-ethno -- maybe I can find it there.

You have any reading or handout on auto-ethno? Baka dun ko mahanap yung ano ba contribution. Something on how to avoid self serving interests.

Salamat ha.

AFDL to JRV

Autoethnography e. This is about you... only pro wrestlers and egomaniacs refer to themselves in the third person. Hehe. Pinili mo yan kaya kasalanan mo kung iiyak ka in front of an audience. Hahaha.

It still has to be treated like any quali research. I called autoethnography that line between a well-written blog and scientific research, which some of my classmates liked. 

Autoethnography as Method by Chang was really helpful to me a few months ago. Malamang meron niyan sa library niyo, online or otherwise.

JRV 
to AFDL

Humahalakhak ako todo! See, that is why I need your male brains.

Thanks for tolerating the crazy in me.

I just don't know with the person who will  end up reviewing my submission.

I'll edit then resubmit, haha.

AFDL is in my circle of fave colleagues at UPOU. Ever reliable.

He is very intuitive in a different way and yet still scientific.

Must be his music-art brain mixing with knowledge on information systems and environmental science background = gifted child.

Looking forward to an honest to goodness collab work and again, with OUR students/ future mentees, post-PhD...which btw starts here:  ColLaboratoire 2020