Call it loneliness of the POST-PhD kind - that feeling and realization that all of a sudden, it's no longer like it used to be and because nothing stays the same...
THAT loneliness of not being able to find the 'right person' to bounce ideas within my faculty and maybe that is why I ended up taking on this new role as DDLD= Deputy Director for Learning Design. It was partly for finding something new and more, for 'social reasons' and that I told myself, this change of role (more like an added admin role) will allow me to forge my social ties outside the Faculty of Education and still find time to sustain my ties with others outside my university.
The angst this time, was manageable since I've been having sessions with our dear Dr. Germar. She has helped me put things in perspective while providing concrete tips not to overthink work matters and give to give myself a pat in the back every now and then. Just that, I feel that my angst has 'grown' ever since I broke my writing routine with my RWL mates. Instead of having my usual Mondays-Tuesdays protected time to read, write and have 1-1 sessions with thesis students (as part of my PC role), my week starts with meetings here and there or instant chats which destroy my trail of thoughts for my writing. I miss those days when I have my Saturdays to do 'fun and relaxed work' then the thinking gets suspended just for a day, but the momentum comes back come Monday to there is 'protected time' to engage in research writing for two ongoing projects.
After 2-3 months of irregular RWL attendance, I just let go. I can't do everything but will just have to settle with less than 2 hours a week of writing and in pockets of time which are also quite hard to manage. With less writing however, I managed to still accomplish these:
1) 4 abstracts submissions
2) two of those accepted = INNODEL + UKCGE, and 2 with the QPR and only because the abstract was a tweaked version coming from TEH book;
3) MASSEd Revision Task Force Committee work - and a first for me;
4) Review book proofs which almost made me cry and resort to unkindness: name-calling and doubting whether in fact the designated manager has the right set of skills to as attested by his LinkedIn and the STRAIVE website or his company's profile
So that's me also letting go of the 'book deadline' I originally set myself to do.
What have I learned: that the way to work with 'loneliness' post-PhD is finding new work and workmates, and that it has to be an intentional search while learning to remain grateful with current work. BUT then again, dealing with angst is takes so much more, that is assess whether it is worth my angst energy then just let go. Some things just ain't gonna happen despite all actions from my end.
Like haven't you learned all those after how many years of working?
Well, I may have but I tend to forget :(
