N=1

Every year, there seems to be a casualty or 2 when it comes to finalizing the list of graduating students. As AA PC, I do take this 'casualty' seriously because at times, the casualty is caused by some weird 'technical' rule. It is fine if the rule makes sense, because some really do. In the context of an OU, a rule taken from a residential campus with a bureaucratic system do not always make sense.
And the sad part is when an individual (such as I) are expected to  assert it because it goes with the job, only to realize it is not right at all. And what I hate is when we simply accept the rule as it is because that's what it means to live with a system we cannot do without.

So I was there in our Unive council meeting, trying to find ways to tell myself that 'it does not really matter' or 'leave it and move on' or 'shut up, girl, do not even make a fool of yourself'' or 'tumahimik ka na, tapusin nalang ang meeting, pwede ba?'. But I could not, obviously. I spoke too soon and what I wanted to say did not come out in the manner that it should have. Or perhaps something came out and was put on record, but who keeps track of such things anyway.

I really find it difficult to put in words justification for certain decisions which to me are but right= tama lang. In other words, I do not have the technical know how nor logical reasoning to explain my stand which is basically value based and comes from a disposition which goes this way:  'What have we got to lose to make 1 learner (and his/her family proud and happy)? And more because we are duty bound to set things right for this student because we ought to.'  We owe her this for one mistake we did.

Compared to prior casualties which caused me sleepless nights, this case seemed easy to take for I wasn't the one earning the grade.  I wasn't the one who made the actual  mistake and I was not the one dealing directly with the student nor the parents.

N=1 after all.

That one person matters because the value of 1 represents a few more others who could have graduated Term 3 and joined the May graduation ceremony only if we bothered to  define Term 3 as end of schoolyear and NOT equivalent to a summer residential term, or if we moved meetings 1 week later.

No regrets in making a fool of myself--I am quite consistent to who I am since I started working. It has caused me jobs (3 in all), but it has helped me stand up for  what I value (such I owe to my mom, Julieta and the Juniora in me is kinda hard to tame). The risks I took then was all worth it.

This one year break from UPOU makes more sense, I realized.
I just am not sure whether this break is just a break or will eventually mean to 'break free.'

What has kept me all this years and what will keep me going anyways?
This job has  allowed me to learn a lot, to prove to myself that I can do things out of sheer commitment, hard work and a chance to still raise my kids educationally. In return for my ATM, is the opportunity to do public service to a range of students who are multitaskers.  These are what kept me going, then.

I need more reasons to go on if UPOU is the job I'd like to grow old with.
And if I decide to leave, I am just N=1 anyways. I do not even know what that means, after all.

Theses 2-2B=Dragonfly Mode!

Theses 2-2B=Tutubi=and what does the dragonfly do? It flies away when you are just about to catch it. And what of my theses, I am  literally flying away from it, interestingly due to some turn of events. I gave this thesis a shot anyways.

So, for the meantime,  this flight away from my doctoral studies and theses 2B is because I'd like to land on better things life can offer. At this time, it's just really easy to blame my university and its bureaucracy. With all its bureaucracy, we cannot even get rid of any faculty member who may turn out to be a lousy research mentor, so I got rid of myself from my doctoral studies instead. With that exit came this determination to get admitted to a doctoral program abroad. I found an ally in a supervisor at a QLD unive, Dr B, who has agreed to support my research ideas, and with this comes  an  approved offer and deferred commencement (Jan 2015) from my QLD unive which has finally arrived. Money could have been on my side, but clearly because I need MORE money with me to fund  my doctoral studies, I need my university of employment, and I am willing to do the payback of a lifetime of service. But perhaps,  I don't think my unive in my home country needs me at this time. Or perhaps, it is time to move on and let my professional development take on other forms.

The dragon in me refuse to settle for anything less than a better experience up for grabs.

Yeah, I know, I could have pulled strings. But if there's one thing I was always tempted to do at my university of employment, but never came around to doing was to do that--pull strings.

The first time the string was right in front of us was when my daughter, Miranda, did not make it to the K admission test to get into a GS -where my husband, then Assistant Professor Victor Villanueva at my once-college, was one of the supervising teachers of student-teachers who do their practice teaching  (and yes, I care to spell his name out here because he was that precious to Eduk).  In other words, we could  have gotten our way and that was to get our child in by requesting, pleading, begging like all normal parents would do for their children. Teacher Vic chose to exit to go for something else. He chose the Filipino way, and that was to make our lives more complicated by setting up a school where Miranda can learn....and learn she did! And one great school was born for other children to grow and learn...and for teacher such as I to do my 'labwork' and draw inspirations  because there was no GS laboratory school for a virtual unive, while I was teaching teachers under our MA and prof cert program. From this lab, I did samples/models of Social Studies teaching and learning and published works which I brought into my teacher education classes. It was fuel I cannot do without as a teacher educator.

Then, of course,  I tried to play with another string when I inquired by direct email to the GS head whether slots are open for admissions and when these will be available, coming from a fellow faculty who is entertaining to put Miranda at the GS. The response was sort of a snub. Miranda was left with 2 choices--Community of Learners or QC Science HS. Not much strings around to work with in the first place.

Now, this next string--but a string of strings- a chance at a doctoral study fund, and perhaps a way to bring my daughter to Aussie and study with me! My bro advised me to come up with a letter and state my request, to sort of justify that I am worth my unive's money (5 million plus pesos) because I am a scholar ng bayan, the faculty kind who, will study abroad, and come back to be a ball of string, to be woven and ingrained in the fabric of  my open university. But I just could not go for my dreams in this manner.

It's not even that I do not like the fact that this study abroad will allow me to stay longer at my open university.  In fact, I have for once decided that I can actually have what it takes to stay longer with an  institution, and one which I have learned to like.  I have so much respect for my open university community--of elders, leaders, followers and footsoldiers, that I can practically imagine myself growing old in this institution. I have so much respect for it that if ever I decide to choose to stay, it is because I have earned my keep as much as others ahead of me already did.  Earning my keep, to my mind, is fulfilling this  responsibility  to get that PhD--the right to get into more research to gain proof that I do posses this  habit of mind to think theoretically to solve life's problems, to be part of  a community of scholars committed to the excellent pursuit of knowledge!  (like some complicated framework grounded on research to see through anything-- the depth and breadth of a problem such as a missing comma in the minutes of our meetings!!!!)  By my own standards, I want to have that rightful place in our committee meetings, bearing with me proof=PhD, that I can make anything  just as complicated as refusing to put a comma in that sentence, and have a reasoned rationale and justification of why it should not be there. And to end up loving the way we complicate our lives for we refuse to be as lay as a layman when we approach things in life.

Honestly, and funny  as it may seem, I am mostly in awe of my PhD colleagues and how intricate their perspectives can be whenever we discuss matters of importance, and how I also manage to put my 2 cents in, because I clearly operate on instinct or use my practical brains mostly and even if sometimes I simply give up on the process of engaging since somebody more brilliant will most likely come around to solving matters anyways.  Yet, bringing my 2 cents in comes with the job so I take pains to understand as much as I can how people at my open university arrive at certain decisions.  I want to continue being part of this decision making, life complicating process. And so, I believe,  my doctoral degree experience is a chance of lifetime to do just that-- prune my brains and discipline my mind (which behaves like a dragonfly mostly), in order to put my tumataginting na dollar=100 cents in for all that we need to do and accomplish as a university.

It's not that this dragonfly did not see all these coming, though. I do remember last year, I was getting restless. IGNOU and IIT Bombay seem to be an impossibility due to a bureaucratic admissions which I find unsupportive of international students. Murdoch had friendly admissions but had no expert ready to supervise my research . Melbourne Unive applications was certainly frozen in waiting for academic references from hard to find/ email Dr M and Dr H. Special thanks to Dr G who came to the rescue and yet 1 doctor ain't enough as reference. My QLD unive was  my last recourse. I said to myself, I did ALL of it already,  including swallowing my pride with my IELTS score, and therefore aaallll I could do was hhhwwwwhhhait.

AND SO IT CAME. My QLD unive offer arrived just in time for a birthday present--but a gift which I could not keep because to have it means I needed a greater gift from my university--financial support from the doctoral study fund to finally get my student visa going.

So this dragonfly spent some time to use her peripheral vision to entertain a Plan B.  And I said to myself, if I can find a Plan B, then I may as well make the most of where I am. I have one more dream to achieve--and that was to attend a real F2F Moodle Workshop and Conference=MOODLEMOOT. I said to myself, if this will be my last RDG and conference to attend as a UP Fac, wishing still for a Plan A, I may as well go for this MoodleMoot. With this was a strategy to place all  my bets, 97% of it on my Plan A and leave a minor 3% for Plan B which has yet to be cracked. The MoodleMoot conference came with an Aussie visa application with the intent to build my reputation as a Filipino educator,  not itching to migrate to Aussie but investing on a Aussie future.  Through my open university overload pay, the only savings I have on my head plus RDG  to invest on a very expensive conference fee, I wanted to prove to Aussie immigration that I am just after the MOOT=professional education and I have no plans of misusing my visa.  Getting back home will be good record that I am a Filipino local contract worker who have no plans of jumping ship so this may increase my chances of being granted my future student visa once QLD unive results are out.  And so, with this Moot, I pledged to bring back home with me stuff I can weave as a government worker...with a self acclaimed title of being the first person from my open university to participate in a MoodleMOOT. In case my QLD unive ain't gonna happen, I would want to continue my work but having more creative work (rather than research) a magic shot.

Lo and behold...I found myself at a K12 conference in Sydney. I was a key witness to how Moodle Moots were being organized. I became one with a K12 audience of active seer-listeners to how technologies and elearning pedagogies are creatively finding its way in the K12 system. I was a live participant, the only foreign one,  in a Moodle Masterclass |Advanced workshop with Julian, the Moodleman, Lindhy and Vince of the very efficient Pukunui Technology. I was in the midst of a workshop, Moodle 2.5-2.6,  which I knew I would not be able to apply at my open university, (which by the way is still at Moodle 2.2), and also because due to priority work at UPOU, there simply was no time and space for me to do all these.

When I say there was no time and space for me to do experiments at my open university, it means I cannot make labrats of my unive students (as they were already willing labrats for my WizIQ stints) who are primarily adult learners who do not need (or maybe are not ready for) a gamified Moodle 2.6.  At the same time, I was also sensing that  education faculty is moving towards standardizing course development, through highly prescriptive course guides and a list of MUST DO's or MUST BE's which I was not ready to take all in, because this path anyway, is the easiest to do--stick to a template, which ensures success for the learner. But a bigger part of me wants to learn things in another way.  I sometimes feel that  all these templates for teaching and learning get in the way of genuine teaching and learning--it leaves no space for a hidden curriculum at all. True, these templates are formula for success, a way to keep learners satisfied and seemingly get their hard earned money's way to earn their degree. While I sometimes want my online learners to break away from this mode of thinking--simply getting the degree, earning the grade, pleasing the prof, I am inclined to simply  go with the flow because it's my job as a faculty in charge.  Sometimes the teaching we are expected or prescribed to do goes against what I think learning is all about!!!. I do not want my FMA's to be fixed and everything laid out. I want  to do some kind of project based learning through my courses but my attempts simply can not be, especially  when faced with a big class such as EDS 111 running on a tight 12-week term. I have managed to do FMA options and flexibility with my SSE (MAEd/DSSE) and yet, adults as they are, a few ones still lift ideas or create outputs to primarily get the grade and NOT go through the learning process for the sake of learning, or draw pleasure from learning what they chose to learn despite the grade they received. If I had to do it my way, I would go to the extent of changing the grading system to have only 2 types of marks=  a P/C=passed or completed or FFSUR2DO=For-Further Study/Completion-when Ur Ready 2 do so! But I do not think the university guidelines will even allow me to do so :(

Here I go again with me= Miss Guided, Miss Placed. It ain't a perfect world after all. But my work at my open university, was proof that I can tango with a system given hard work and a bright mind. I, however, would like to breathe new air and see more of what is out there.

All these higher ed experiences I now have in my sack was a stark difference to what  I have in my bigger bag of tricks=how K12 learners learn in environments truly supportive of learning, self direction, and creativity. I want time to enjoy this bag of tricks to be able to translate it into action--and only then can I come back to higher ed as a teacher educator with genuine learnings to share with my fellow students who happen to be teachers. Clearly, I am itching to find something new to experience. But then if that experience will not happen for me, either through further studies abroad, then I may as well make it happen for my child.

And since the Moodle MOOT happened    in SCEGGS, https://www.sceggs.nsw.edu.au/, with a few fellows coming from highly 'organic schools'. I came home  weaving an imagined future. I told myself, if my studies are not happening, despite all my efforts to focus and come up with a very decent research proposal, then at least I want my daughter to have the kind of learning she wants to happen for herself.  I knew that the only way this could happen was to expose her to the possibility of going for a school, quite similar to these organic schools in Aussieland.

I came home from the MoodleMoot, determined to roll the dice! So I played this game- while going for a Plan A and practising for a Plan B. In the end,  I won! My daughter got accepted in  The Beacon Academy, with a 100% scholarship grant=AHA, but only  if I come in as part of Learner Support. The Learner Support is literally a ball of string I can weave in a space which will allow me to do so...with no shitty old unive guidelines and trapping templates to success which to me are hindrances to creativity, development and divergent thinking.

(So did I pull strings just there or did I create a ball of string to weave, lol...I cannot seem to connect the dragonfly metaphor to this ball of string...never mind that!)

I am  nervous and excited, of course.  With this ball of string, I shall look into my sack (=learner support initiatives as AA Program PC) and my big bag of tricks (The Builders' School know-how's and dealings with all kinds of minds) then with  a great resolve to do my payback  (in order to pay it forward), I shall weave somekind of something. Thanks to ALL students (adults=parents and makukulit na AA's and K12 learners at Builders)  who have given me a hard time and may have prepared me for this= the greatest  challenge so finally I can sit down with a small group of learners in support of learning, THEIR way, and of course with nudgings and well placed negotiations from my end. Then perhaps a framework or model shall arise from this out of Phd school experience.

And maybe, if in case my unive needs me back, then I shall try to, but this around I should be even more capable of setting up a learner support for all these adult online learners who practically do not fit the mold, and are openly accessing education the open unive way, who may surely need just as much help to earn what they go for! And despite the label going around that my open unive may be diploma mills, then let it be a diploma mill for all types of learners which traditional settings fail to deal with because they cannot be simply weeded out! Or how about a model of a MOOC for K12 learners, somekind of MOOC-learner support for Gr 11-12's to bridge students to the associate degree and other BDegrees of open unive. Or what if a virtual Gr 6-8, finally which will be a seedbed for prospective blended or fully online learners!

With any of the above happening, there is no way of weeding out...including myself!

Come to think of it, some learners  are not weeds in the first place, but could have been  dragons, all along, and so  fly.  For now, may I just be a dragonfly (AHA...there I go!).