Happy anniversary! Yeps, I would like to see it this way instead...a chance to renew vows/ commitments to myself, but this time, adding back my faith in God pair of lens which I removed for about 2-3 years. I figured, my life becomes more colorful with having more faith in His presence. And so I am here again, facing God and as always...and I mean always, the timing of things...how can such timing be perfect and how can it happen during critical points in my life?
Atheism is such a great philosophy and a selfie kind of religion but it can never ever explain 'patterns' nor 'connectedness'. Everything simply follows a logical cause effect based on one's decisions. It can never explain glitches. But then glitches and sudden turns are the ones worth capturing in life.
Here is one glitch--
I received word from QUT, quite unexpectedly. I thought I had forgotten this dream of studies abroad. But howcome I am not delighted at all and it kinda felt like this: Pambihira naman, oo, WTF is this about!!! Is this adding insult to injury! Is this some kind of reminder that I have to give up this dream, BE HERE and NOT there because anytime I can lose a loved one---my sister, my mom, my best friend or the father of my children. Like bring it on, Lord. I'm cutting a few ties anyways so why not do all these at the same time. Take EVERYthing away...and let life be just "a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes...."
It was very much like that for a day or 2 and even moments. And I guess it will continue to be every now and then when I think of life's uncertainties.
I tried to whine but then this person I cant seem to fathom says these:
So ok....OKAAAAYYYY.
I shall define and always go back to this every year if this is what it takes!!!
I am here and let my why's count:
Why I even wished for this
I was 44 then and on my 6th year at UPOU and my school. It was the time that I felt quite settled being where I am and doing what was there to do. It was a time of rest seeing that anything I can set myself to do gets done and my work benefits my children, my need to for creative and academic pursuits, and yet with 1 more thing which has become a source of obssession for 2 years running.
I wanted to finally have the chance to do my theses which had to take a backseat because my small school concerns, and my UPOU work had more pressing matters. My small school and UPOU were the sources of my research ideas anyways.
My limited brains have never worked for something THIS hard. It is difficult to start with due to how my brains work and doubly difficult because when I started my doctoral studies, it was around the same time I was into major life projects. My studies have draaaggged on until I decided to quit because again, my kind of brains cannot work with the kind of adviser I have. The only choice was to test my theses with some other university.
I said to myself, I was really just settling for PhD Curriculum Studies in my alma mater so when I already had a change of heart and was determined to pursue something more related to online education and virtual high schools, I started to look forward to the idea of just being on my own, in another university, away and detached from the cares of the world and just do research-- a space just for me and my ideas...just be selfish, right? why not?
Add to the above is the idea of a self test--how long will I be able to live my life away from my loved ones who seem to be resilient enough to live their lives without me. And to get all these done while I can still afford to do so. Can I rely on myself entirely? be accountable for my finances? be decent enough within the boundaries of decency I alone can command?
Plus, since I imagined myself growing old at UPOU, the only way to grow old and still remain actively engaged is to get into research projects with my colleagues, and not settle for the usual research pursuits of mine. If I were to stay long at UPOU, then I must be prepared to work with my colleagues who are just as committed and qualified to do things. Having an EdD to me will be my track record of sustained and focused attention, logical thinking, clarity of mind, concrete theoretical contribution --I was after proving to myself that I can make my brains work in a certain way if I am to go on at UPOU to bring more change through committee work and research projects.
It was a stark difference to what I know I am already capable of doing--creative work=life projects which I never planned getting into but simply dared do as part of my commitment to my children, and my profession. So far, I have no regrets.
Blah blah...
Why an alternate future?
Around Sept-Oct 2013, I started to think of a Plan B=an alternate future. I started getting in touch with Mailin. Later on, she asked for my CV and so I gave it more thought. My email records say these:
Timestamp 1: Tue, Nov 26, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Pag-iisipan ko yung part time. Ano ba merong mga job openings ngayon sa Beacon Acad?
Timestamp 2: Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM
Timestamp 3:Sat, Apr 5, 2014 at 11:59 PM
Re: hindi ako makahinga....
Huling huli ka, Aleta. Happy Anniversary!
The choice then is to go for Beacon Academy. It is an alternate future I have decided to delve into, with so much uncertainty, and the only certain thing about it is this: my daughter gets a chance to go for an education she chose (which I may have influenced a bit...). And so I am here to support the institution which accepted her.
Looking back, I'd have to say, Miranda, my dearest daughter, has for the 2nd time paved the way for me. She is one reason why I dared set up a small school, and also the same reason why I shall move on to another school. My Mauro, on the other hand, will always be the survivor who will adjust to his mother's needs (he was the baby I was breastfeeding in the midst of my at U.P Graduate Admission Test...kung saan si Robin ang proctor at may sumulpot na ahas sa Benitez Theatre habang nag-eeksam ako) since he is very much capable of seeking attention from different people to fill his needs.
Whatever rewards, risks and heartaches I shall embrace as part of THIS experience.
But in all honesty, why choose to be here...NOW?
It is a good time to be here with my beloveds and still make space for dearies.
I'd like to spend this time of my life, here and NOW for simple joys to save in my happy memory stick... sooo much memories to look back to when I'm 60, and perhaps it'll keep me afloat for painful truths I can never escape but can only face in the years to come.
On a gut-feel level, it does feel right to be here, anyways.
As for 2016-2017...let's see!
Atheism is such a great philosophy and a selfie kind of religion but it can never ever explain 'patterns' nor 'connectedness'. Everything simply follows a logical cause effect based on one's decisions. It can never explain glitches. But then glitches and sudden turns are the ones worth capturing in life.
Here is one glitch--
I received word from QUT, quite unexpectedly. I thought I had forgotten this dream of studies abroad. But howcome I am not delighted at all and it kinda felt like this: Pambihira naman, oo, WTF is this about!!! Is this adding insult to injury! Is this some kind of reminder that I have to give up this dream, BE HERE and NOT there because anytime I can lose a loved one---my sister, my mom, my best friend or the father of my children. Like bring it on, Lord. I'm cutting a few ties anyways so why not do all these at the same time. Take EVERYthing away...and let life be just "a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes...."
It was very much like that for a day or 2 and even moments. And I guess it will continue to be every now and then when I think of life's uncertainties.
I tried to whine but then this person I cant seem to fathom says these:
balikan mo ang intensyon mo: bakit gusto mong mag-aral abroad?
dream?
personal goal?
source of pride?
tapos ijuxtapose mo sa kung anong ginagawa mo ngayon
kung alin ang mas mayimbang, doon ka
take the choice that will make you whole
God does not give what one does not deserve.
And He always gives more not less.
And He always gives more not less.
So ok....OKAAAAYYYY.
I shall define and always go back to this every year if this is what it takes!!!
I am here and let my why's count:
Why I even wished for this
I was 44 then and on my 6th year at UPOU and my school. It was the time that I felt quite settled being where I am and doing what was there to do. It was a time of rest seeing that anything I can set myself to do gets done and my work benefits my children, my need to for creative and academic pursuits, and yet with 1 more thing which has become a source of obssession for 2 years running.
I wanted to finally have the chance to do my theses which had to take a backseat because my small school concerns, and my UPOU work had more pressing matters. My small school and UPOU were the sources of my research ideas anyways.
My limited brains have never worked for something THIS hard. It is difficult to start with due to how my brains work and doubly difficult because when I started my doctoral studies, it was around the same time I was into major life projects. My studies have draaaggged on until I decided to quit because again, my kind of brains cannot work with the kind of adviser I have. The only choice was to test my theses with some other university.
I said to myself, I was really just settling for PhD Curriculum Studies in my alma mater so when I already had a change of heart and was determined to pursue something more related to online education and virtual high schools, I started to look forward to the idea of just being on my own, in another university, away and detached from the cares of the world and just do research-- a space just for me and my ideas...just be selfish, right? why not?
Add to the above is the idea of a self test--how long will I be able to live my life away from my loved ones who seem to be resilient enough to live their lives without me. And to get all these done while I can still afford to do so. Can I rely on myself entirely? be accountable for my finances? be decent enough within the boundaries of decency I alone can command?
Plus, since I imagined myself growing old at UPOU, the only way to grow old and still remain actively engaged is to get into research projects with my colleagues, and not settle for the usual research pursuits of mine. If I were to stay long at UPOU, then I must be prepared to work with my colleagues who are just as committed and qualified to do things. Having an EdD to me will be my track record of sustained and focused attention, logical thinking, clarity of mind, concrete theoretical contribution --I was after proving to myself that I can make my brains work in a certain way if I am to go on at UPOU to bring more change through committee work and research projects.
It was a stark difference to what I know I am already capable of doing--creative work=life projects which I never planned getting into but simply dared do as part of my commitment to my children, and my profession. So far, I have no regrets.
Blah blah...
Why an alternate future?
Around Sept-Oct 2013, I started to think of a Plan B=an alternate future. I started getting in touch with Mailin. Later on, she asked for my CV and so I gave it more thought. My email records say these:
Timestamp 1: Tue, Nov 26, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Pag-iisipan ko yung part time. Ano ba merong mga job openings ngayon sa Beacon Acad?
Timestamp 2: Sun, Dec 15, 2013 at 5:38 PM
And now that I want Miranda in a really good high school system, I will do what it takes to afford it (if I can) and contribute to the vision and work of a HS which will take her in....
I am submitting my CV here, because doing so will contribute to the confusion I am in. Perhaps, eventually, circumstances will push me to a decision I will be happy with.
Timestamp 3:Sat, Apr 5, 2014 at 11:59 PM
Re: hindi ako makahinga....
It is a provisional YES as of the moment until I iron out matters with my Dean.
It's an offer I cannot say 'no' to because the opportunity sounds great, for both Miranda and I.
Huling huli ka, Aleta. Happy Anniversary!
Looking back, I'd have to say, Miranda, my dearest daughter, has for the 2nd time paved the way for me. She is one reason why I dared set up a small school, and also the same reason why I shall move on to another school. My Mauro, on the other hand, will always be the survivor who will adjust to his mother's needs (he was the baby I was breastfeeding in the midst of my at U.P Graduate Admission Test...kung saan si Robin ang proctor at may sumulpot na ahas sa Benitez Theatre habang nag-eeksam ako) since he is very much capable of seeking attention from different people to fill his needs.
Whatever rewards, risks and heartaches I shall embrace as part of THIS experience.
But in all honesty, why choose to be here...NOW?
It is a good time to be here with my beloveds and still make space for dearies.
I'd like to spend this time of my life, here and NOW for simple joys to save in my happy memory stick... sooo much memories to look back to when I'm 60, and perhaps it'll keep me afloat for painful truths I can never escape but can only face in the years to come.
On a gut-feel level, it does feel right to be here, anyways.
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