Coming Home

I was in India for 9 days or so. It felt really good to be there that I hardly missed home. There, I had  glimpses of life through story bits shared by women, experiences which are far from my own. I thought I'd come home feeling bad or wishing that I could have chosen to live my life differently--single so I could easily do what I wanted without having to think about a relationship, have the kind of fun I have always wanted and be answerable just to myself, or a life which will allow me to freely roam the earth without worry and just take care of me.

Quite the opposite happened. Coming home all the more proved to me that indeed, I have a happy life here. My children give me so much joy, and my husband keeps things light and leaves me feeling safe and secure. My school and my jobs reassure me that I have made the right choices in life.

I would not have my life any other way. It took a bit of courage and risk- taking to experience "LIFE" and embrace the kind of weird and strange woman that I am.  But it took me longer years, to snap out of the idea that I perhaps I was not meant to have kids.  Really, it was all in my mind. With a learned perspective of objectivity and rationality, plus a dose of humor I've always had, and appreciation for beauty and the possibility of God, I continue on and don't have to take myself seriously all the time.

Now, at 43, I come home to my loved ones and come home to me. I feel more together than ever. And because I am 43 and soon to be 60, that means I can never take my life and that of others for granted.

Running on empty...not yet!

This has been running for a month now so I am practically running on empty and waiting for April 11 to be over. April 11 is the day the official list of graduating students gets approved--and I've got a bunch of students in this list. I'm just not sure who gets to make it but had to be sure who were not. A month ago, I've had to coldly deal with breaking the news with one student who happens to be the son of a UPOU staff. This came after the fact that I had to email another parent to practically say we cannot accept his daughter into the program.  Then there's screening other students and I had to put my foot down on a few ones we cannot accept. An appeal came but I had to stand my ground.  I got through all those thinking like I can be so good as some kind of executioner--it's all part of the job. I played the role really well until this week, I could no longer keep myself together.  It took 8-10 students to make this happen. Just when I thought I'm seeing their final grades coming in and students getting a clean record, I could not believe that there were names and faces getting a grade of 4.0=conditional.  And of course, I had to inform them right away to schedule their removal exams. A 4.0 can become a 3.0 or a 5.0=scrapped from the list. And yes, by this time, I took this to heart.  Yes it is hard to accept that despite all our efforts at the Faculty of Education, a few one will not be able to make it come graduation time. I wonder, was there a way I could have shielded myself? Is there a better way to just behave like a robot and deliver the news as news and not feel anything at all?

One may say, feelings can be conditioned; our reactions are results of how we are trained to behave in a certain way in our social environments.  I don't know if I can buy that. At this point, I'll buy anything to keep me alive until April 11. 

Good thing, blogging is practically free as I don't really need somebody to listen and solve this. I will simply expect that everyschoolyear, the months of Feb-March=bring it on!

Seeing the SPADE

I think I've seen it vaguely last December but refused to look at it.
But now I'm seeing it again....some telltale signs of unhappiness at work.
I feel my energies are getting wasted on the ff:

1) lobbying for things I should rightfully have
2) solving problems I didn't create
3) attending meetings which do not even need to take place
4) pretending that I can do more than I really can

I waste my time on the above in return for:
1) not being able to keep to my yoga routine
2) not having time to do my studies
3) delaying other dreams
4) doing unfocused, mediocre work
5) having money in my atm

So the solution is.... find another to be able to keep #5