I decided to join the kids and my hubby today in celebration of what Catholics and other Christians label as Palm Sunday. True, I can't relate with it but I decided to go to spend a few hours with my kids since it's been a week of work for everything else except them. The image of waving palm leaves I find pagan. Pagan to mean it seems like one is worshipping an image/idol or having some animistic tendency to do rituals in order to please the gods or face eternal damnation. I cannot understand why this ritual is even celebrated when in fact in a Bible-based story given to life in one of my fave musicales, JCSS, this palm waving incident was about the Jews welcoming Jesus to Jerusalem as if he was some kind of Savior to snatch them out of misery from Rome. The Jews then were not even relating with Jesus as person--but an image of a special prophet-warrior sent by God to save them from desperation. Then in the end, they crucify him because he no longer fit that image they held on to.
So there they were, my loved ones with the rest of the Christian community. They seem to be happy enough so let them be. If they find reason in such things, let them be safe with it. It keeps them together and gives them a sense of belonging. I would rather have my children do all these while they are young. It is nice to be a child and believe in God or recreate him in one's mind for there is safety in that. It is not for me to bring them to where I am --in this state of molting.
Ever since I turned 39 some 3 years back, I have been molting=shedding dead skin. I have stopped trying hard to be a mother, a parent, a wife, a daughter, and a child of God. I used to be all those as a basic necessity to live the married-family life I have chosen. But since my parents' separation, I questioned almost everything I've held on to. This molting brought me so much guilt and it's not something I am perfectly proud of. But I am saying that I needed it to discover a new space. In this space, I was able to resolve pressing matters on my own, particularly reflect on what my marriage+partner means to me now, what I've always been and tried to do with my children (more a teacher than their mom) and concrete actions I have to take in the next 3 years. To think that was the last of it was a short relief only to find this. I am confronted with the greatest challenge which is understanding my belief in God.
Funny that last year, in a virtual forum with UPOU students, I was quite certain with who God is and my experience of him. I professed that I hang on to God who reasoned with me when I was going through depression. My prayers to some Almighty held me together and kept me sane. In that forum thread, I witnessed students' expressions of sincere convictions as Christians and who Christ was to them. Though I find their revelations very one-sided and grounded on Bible fundamentals over real life experiences, I was certain with my idea of God.
Now a year later, I come across Ayn Rand through a recommendation of person I met in India. He is admirable in his own right for being the atheist he is. Clearly we were poles apart and he was one to test my threshold at all sides, unintentionally though. I find this person pretty much self-made and clear with his boundaries while I was in my usual 'floating', open minded trance. Naturally his ideas caught me off guard. It was a good imbalance, by the way, because these moments bring one to search for equilibrium. And so the quest is on...
After reading Rand's Anthem and now portions of Treatise of Selfishness, I have come to this resolve to do things differently during this supposedly Holy Week. My usual practice is to be with my children + in laws and be present through the motions of their rituals. Then of course, I'd be there for my mom and my kids for Easter Sunrise Service at church. In between, what I relish is the chance to just watch Jesus Christ Superstar for its amazing musical score and the idea of seeing how human Jesus was with Mary Magdalene.
And so this week of all weeks, I'll put my thoughts and perspectives to the test with Ayn Rand's and my goal is to see things differently from the view of Objectivism. In my quest for knowledge, though, part me of finds the process luxurious--everytime I face the computer to blog, tinker with IT toyls (tools + toys + toil), you tube, skype, email, conceptualize curriculum, googlenth, chat with students+friends--there is always somebody else to make my coffee, do the laundry, spend time with my kids, prepare good dinner, pay for gas or yearn for my company.
This is me pushing my limits--to what extent will I behave like a brute to satisfy ME...and will I even snap out of this phase to be a reasonable ME.
IF this molting has allowed me to let go of pieces of myself in order to find new skin, then what I am seeing now are these:
-me as an online teacher
-me and my poetry + blogs
-me as a practitioner-researcher
-me as a learner in different online communities (except FB!)
From my romantic reveries with Coehlo and Murakami, fantastic adventures with Terry Goodkind, I now turn to Ayn Rand for a change. To have this during Holy Week seems to be the perfect timing. Will I stick to my own pole and or go to the other end this time? Will I even come face to face with God and see him?
All this shall pass and looking forward to being 60 and simply LOL at myself.
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