Quilt + Coffee + Tuna Pesto Pizza = Lots of A-heart-A

One day this week was about ‘when all the roads that lead to them are winding, when all the lights that light the path are blinding' = just like staring at my computer for more than 30mins, and nothing coming out of my brain, and so ME cry like toddler....a toddler who is done with her sandplay and failing to appreciate what she has made, questioning whether what she has done so for will be good enough, then asking again why she ever chose to be in this sandbox when she was quite happy & safe in her classroom.

I almost gave up on me that Friday while awaiting feedback for my Chap 4. Been imagining my weekend at BNE for days as a well deserved reward for my chapter writing. And also bec I've been postponing it for the nth time.  But I marked it on my calendar Nov 30  = 

>Difficult Methodologies - thinking of future writing, people’s narratives I'd like to capture post-PhD 

>  imagining hitching a ride with Dr Bromdal and listening to her story 

>  imagining cozy time with Alex and Ana, my first AirBnb hosts whom I’ve come to ‘heart’, especially their Dante the Foxteria.

> a museum tour former yoga teacher

I was slowly losing sight of spending a great weekend as I was on the verge of choosing chapter writing over spending time with people I care about.  

I  thought of cancelling my meeting with Dr D. And just head home and cry myself to sleep. But I sorely needed that meeting to help me ascertain next steps in my other chapters. Can’t be crying in front of him with some mucus ballooning out of my nose, eyebags bulging and all!!! So I said woman, get your act together. Imagine a 50yr.old-toddler-in-distress? My goodness, have a bit of female pride. No can do!

I re-read my RR's vibe then. I quickly watched a Swiftie video. Thought of choosing a song I could play at  Spotify.  Oasis Wonderwall just came out of the blue. It's a song which my student had in mind one time we had dessert at Sweet Inspirations. Never really paid attention to song meanings that time. Quite fitting  for this moment. Found the piano violin version and whhhallla!

Chap 7 reworking came to be.

What this distracted mind could muster to do in an hour’s time, enabled by technology at that! Flashback:

> cry > vibe-RR > music video > spotify > websearch for song lyrics meaning > back2Spotify search for an acoustic version > back2writing :)

Sustained the writing quite a bit to polish Findings section of Chap 7.

Whewww!  A truly deserved weekend. Thanking Netta in my mind and most of all A & A.  Nice talking to you over coffee, nicer playing with your Dante,  so nicer having your handmade pizza  (it went straight to my heart), much nicer sleeping under that 1st ever AirBnb quilt at your Newtown home & laughing at Will Ferrel the Elf,  much more nicer waking up to a perfect morning view,  and nicest having blueberry + banana pancakes which reminded me of my beloveds back home. Precious moments...

This should fuel me for my last few writing days at USQ Toowoomba.

It will get stressful by the day. Like thanks for the reminder Batman, haha.  But I'll hold on to these happy memories with A-heart-A. I WILL GET THIS DONE.

That #31 on the Menu

Now that #31 on the menu just bumped off those Almon Marina chops from my list= well deserved meal at El Attar which came at the right time

Wk 2 Day 1,  I decided to forego U2. Not a good way to start my week with 2 or more things in mind. I haven't eaten white rice in days.  Been spending  extra on Uber for late nights. So I was getting grumpier aaand grumpier.

Then that question - 'Why do I complicate my life?' But since I know the reasons why I chose to go for the PGECR session over spending a few more days at  GCoast area, then the note2self goes: Kitam, sabi ko na nga ba!

Wk 2 Day 4, I decided to just focus on one thing that day = polish my presentation and corresponding notes. That was practically shrinking my tale from an almost 8000-word full paper to a 1800-word piece for the sake of a presentation fit for the cozy group of PGECR/ HDR

Good thing that  Nov 15 turned out to be the energy boost I sorely needed to just get up and GO.
Got a notebook filled with notes= those vocabulary words from a feast of Englishes that day.
Last but not the least, got a double thumbs up + big smile for my presentation, btw. A face sticky to my memory, haha. It goes with my favorite Jolly biscuits = Watta Jolly good smile! I felt like a Gr 3 child wow-ing my teacher-enabler Dr D! So that's what it feels like to be on the other side.

And btw, #31 = I passed my marshmallow test. Good things come to those who wait.
Had it 4free. Thank you, Dr PD!

Night B4 the 15th

...was the night I lay in bed and for the 2nd time this year shed silent tears for this thing called PhD.
Really just tired and hangrrry.  Had nothing to do with my emo-crying moments of auto-ethno writing. In fact the act of writing my auto-ethno and presenting it was a good distraction to a bit of self-denial I'm going through. Ok, I am ready to admit that now I'm in what I can only term as a 'writing rut'.

I have with me feedback from my advisers on chapters I worked soooo hard on. While awaiting feedback and going home for a brief 2-week famtime, I learned more about auto-ethno. Back at Toowoomba, I spent 2 straight weeks to put together Chapters 4, 5, 6, and 7. Met my deadline.
Now, I am confronted with feedback for each chapter. Generally these are the stuff I know I HAVE TO handle soon:

a) moving portions from my discussion to conclusion chapters
b) adding a few statements to explain the graphs/ figures
c) moving portions from discussion to findings
d) answer the research questions

Item d) is the problematic one. I tried 3x this week to write it out, but it feels like I am just going in circles and actually faking it. Faking it because as far as I see it, the discussion portion for each chapter was framed to respond to the research sub-questions. My adviser said it hasn't been answered yet. So I highlighted the portions which to me are my answers to the R-questions. Then of course, I did not stop there. I tried to reword selected statements. The process was strumming my angst. Yes, it's this way during crunch time of paper writing in the past.  I'd drive myself to the ground to get things done and I end up just getting angrier than angry.

But wait, there's more.

This time around, I nipped anger level 2 in the bud.  I said to myself I will dedicate 1 day NOT to push myself to write, and instead, take my time in finalizing my slides. Just one thing for the day. So lahdida, I tested my slides at Room 414. Aha, this is going to work!  Continued on until 4pm, added more pics.

THEN overthinking Aleta kicked in. She checked here slides and found that the ppt was too heavy to send online. Overdoing Aleta did some repairs, went beyond 6pm. By this time, she's orehhhdi tired and hangry. PhD candidate Aleta said, STOP. Tomorrow will be fine. You don't have a track record of fugly presentations.

Whew!  The 15th turned out great. My PhD Journey is now considered as Spoken, in Aleta's kind of English, in Aleta's voice, with a willing, trusted audience.

Lessons learned:
- When angry, stop, get other things done.
- Overthinking = obssessing = really a waste of time.
  May as well spend this time enjoying people around you.
- Remember your record of successes -
- Be kinder to yourself.

...and because you relaxed before your presentation, you met a woman named Catherine.
Something about her, hmmm.  Looking forward to Fitzy's or wherever.

PS This is a good time to remember my housemate = Eva, thank you for just being around and seeing me THAT way. And for trying to make me feel better. Ang sarap sarap talaga ng Roo-ala Bistek Tagalog-with onion galore =ubod nang rami ng sibuyas version mo.  I look forward to the day when we can share 1 cigarette, from 1 Marlboro box of menthol we can both afford, or better yet, a freebie from your beloved.

Patterns + Puno't Dulo

So ako ang iyong konsensya.  Malinaw na galit ka. Galit ka sa sarili mo dahil hindi magawa ng utak mo ang dapat nitong gawin. Dahil tila ata nagkakaganun, inuna mo muna yung isang papel. May maayos naman itong kinalabasan diba. Maari bang huminto saglit at magpasalamat muna. Magpasalamat muna sa mga ito:

>maayos na presentasyon
>masarap na pagkain
>mga bagong kakilala at nakausap
>mga kasiyahan at  kagandahan ng mga tao sa paligid mo

So ok. Medyo galit ka pa rin sa sarili mo. Galit ka dahil akala mo bumabalik ka sa patterns of thinking and behavior. Ano ba yun? Ang pattern na may natatapos kang maayos at may nakikinabang subalit ang linchak mong dissertation ay ganun pa rin. Linchak na linchak pa rin ang itsura.

Sa inis mo, hindi ka man lamang magpasalamat sa nangyari sa araw na ito:
>may advise ka mula sa adviser mo
>may magandang balita mula sa yoga teacher mo
>nakita mo ang RBlock at LBlock
>may natanggap kang email tungkol sa proposal mo

Ano pa bang inspirasyon ang kelangan mo?

Ang realidad na kinakaharap mo ngayon ay pinangalanan mong writing rut. 
Sige lang, bigyan mo ng pangalan. Bigyan mo din ng solusyon.

>set realistic goals
>one step at a time
>you have tried to do something differently and it worked so
>keep the focus
>when it's getting to anger level 3, stop, do other things you can finish
>eat rice?


RESEARCH IS DIFFICULT. DOING RESEARCH IS LIKE DOING SURGERY.
YOU CHOSE TO DO THIS. SO GET UP AND GO...DO WHAT IT TAKES.
NO TIME TO DWELL ON NEGATIVE THOUGHTS BECAUSE CHRISTMAS IS NEAR.

Post-hard truths: Disclaimers

Hard truths:
1) Toowoomba can never be my home.
2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land.
3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb.
4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background
5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU!

Disclaimers...post-hard truths: (for a lack of a subheading)

1) Toowoomba can never be my home... but it's a space I can call my own. I'm adding Toowoomba to my list of sojourns (the promdi-island kind):

a.  Sitio Kalangitan, Capas, Tarlac.. .......1994
b.  Loob-Bunga, Botolan, Zambales.......1995

c.  Cuyo Is., Palawan..............................1998

d.  Tablas Is., Romblon...........................1999
e.  Brunswick, VIC.................................2001
f.   Agra, India ........................................2011
f.  SJV, Laguna .......................................2014

e.  Toowoomba, QLD.......2017...2018...2019 

Though clearly, the name has nothing to do with an island, but more of a melon or  Woomba woomba = reed in a swamp 

2) I feel that I have already gotten what I want out of this land

...but not yet in terms of food finds and Australian accents.

3) That THIS is starting to feel like a lonely climb of what is left for me to climb

... which I can turn to a happy one. I must look forward to sharing my auto-ethno as a way to connect my story to the 100 and 1 stories I've heard in the PGECR meetings.

4) That 10 years from now, people's names and faces will start to fade in the background

...but if I make it a point to look back and remember at least 10 significant people or less, by writing letters or saying silent prayers in the next 5 years in celebration of my graduation day, then I can at least make the process of fading stretch-span for 2 decades.

5) Once done = more work 2do at UPOU because IOU! 

So let the work run its course, but let me maneuver it in my own terms and within spaces I'd like for it to happen.